February 10th, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: Takedown

Star Trek The Next Generation: Takedown by John Jackson Miller
Admiral Riker embarks on a melodramatic, grand, self-deluding rampage full of selfishness and egomania but why? Picard, who should be having a nice nap, tries various crude ways to stop his former XO who seems so perfectly lucid, rational and with a Balzacian attention to detail. This was full of mischaracterisation, clunky prose, baying and is in steady decline from Chapter 1. Riker has to account for himself and be attudinally assessed.

I felt utter boredom reading this. It’s liked a rejected novel from 1996. I don’t care about Riker’s reticence and inner angst. Treat this novel with indifference and discard this tale of capricious aliens, mean spirited moral insanity, passionate outrage and a denouement that belongs in the substratum of Treklit.

Best Lines:
“Had found mediocrity too high a bar.”

“That thing wasn’t on any chart we’ve ever seen.”

“What did it take to be invited into a secret cabal?”

“Didn’t you notice the Red Alerts? Or the fact that we were in combat?”

“Unnecessary disturbance!”

“Impertinence intolerable.”

“Big heads things.”

“Something done.”

“We have put her out on the street.”

“They made you talk funny.”
Scary Books

Gotham 1x03 Reviewed

The Balloonman
A vigilante balloon killer lurks. Selina tells Gordon she saw the Wayne murders and then runs away. Fish overacts and throws Gordon under the bus with MCU. Penguin lurks and murders. Bruce whines and is unwilling to be normal. There is massive foreshadowing. Barbara gets high and Renee plays her. This was unconvincing and full of boringness.

Best Lines:
“The villagers are here with pitchforks.”

“You’re a disgrace to drug dealers.”

“Oh he’s guilty. Leave me in a room with him and he’ll be guilty.”

“She’s going to have an accident.”

“Crazy is bad for business.”
Scary Books

18 Movie Reviews

A Simple Plan (1999)
Brothers discover millions in case. Greed causes an eager abandonment of the social contract. Dull.

Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
A broad parody that is just self-perpetuating.

The New Guy (2002)
A nerd (DJ Qualls) wants to be cool at a new school. Ungenerous.

Joy Ride (2001)
Ok but forgettable.

The Crow (1993)
Not so hot.

Four Wedding And A Funeral (1994)
A friendship group of deriding sexual oversupply.

Witness (1984)

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Loved Me (1999)
Evidence of back-breeding.

Addams Family Values (1993)
Most notable for the unfunny Amy Fisher joke.

Three Men And A Baby (1987)
Not epoch-defining grandeur.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Overblown reductive twocking.

Titanic (1997)
Inaccuracies and problematic expository sludge

Mission Impossible (1996)

Zoolander (2001)
Ben Stiller blue steels. Okay.

Disturbia (2007)
No moral consensus in this gut wrenchingly awful crap.

Mrs Doubtfire (1993)
Hyperbolic and wearisome.

Anaconda (1997)
Perfunctory and Jon Voight gets vomited up by a CGI snake.

The Contender (2000)
This roaringly naff drama sees the Vice President dead. The food obsessed POTUS wants to appoint Lane (Joan Allen) as the new VP instead of a national hero (Gil from ‘CSI’). Lane is nonchalant about her chances but a miserable little holy joe (Gary Oldman) lurks as does Christian Slater to scuttle her.

Lane’s contemporaries don’t like her and negative ramifications ensue. This was not languid or engaging or captivating. There are Thatcher jokes, sexism, Ted Kennedy jokes, bad haircuts and prostitution claims. This was devastating, disastrous, remote and mumbling. Give me ‘House of Cards’ any day.  Photos of Lane engaged in a gang bang surface and an FBI agent (the lead from ‘Cold Case‘) flitters around. I’d rather have watched ‘Raising Cain’. This was not an emotional ordeal.

Consistent unhappiness ensues but no wit, panache or style. This was just scabrous and unsparingly scruffy with nebbing, confidence undermining as Lane’s virtuous circle and her infinitely positive loop are breached. Lane is false promise and is shown to be an untrustworthy liar. Chilling cultural ramifications are hinted at but Lane’s narcissism is a persistent problem. TPTB’s attempt to drum up sympathy for her fails absolutely.

There is deliberate manipulation, ingrained misogyny, bad manners, cheap one liners and fundamentally rude people demeaning high status women. Calculated insults fly and this film is fundamentally incompatible with enjoyment. Lane is a husband snatcher. Pointless clichés abound in this meaningless film that is not delicate or creative. This was unimaginative and people have growing concern that Lane is a bad woman. This was not meticulously vibrant as it is ascertained that Lane has her limitations. The POTUS is a lizard. There is a failure to communicate and intolerance. Everyone against Lane is prejudicial and there are no well modulated voices, articulacy, elocution or punctuation of delivery.

Predictably unfortunate consequences take place. There is no brevity just crudeness and dismissive attitudes toward emotion. Events turn out to have been susceptible to misinterpretation. This was tremulous. People have half hostile looks in their eyes over erotic vagrancy. There are uncomfortable conflicting opinions about the precise degree of badness. This was a deterrence to being involved in politics. There is no respect or discipline just sheer tawdriness and Lane the blunted martyr. Yawn.

Best Lines:
“Nefarious and sleazy innuendos.”

“Trading my dreams so that we could live yours.”

“You’ll go down as a 2nd rate Joe McCarthy.”

“She’s no good.”

“Everything you have ever achieved will be eliminated.”

“Filthy and degenerate pornography.”

“Her face in someone’s crotch.”

“Disgusting behaviour.”

“We have to gut the bitch.”

“We’ve going to obliterate a life.”

“I don’t want him as an enemy.”

“Find some way to call you a baby killer.”

“The image of a vice president with a mouth full of cock.”

“I want something embarrassing! Something sexual! Little boys, midgets, that sort of thing! Cows! I don’t give a goddam!”

“I don’t eat meat.”

“Deviant sex.”

“Shark steak sandwich.”

“Not guilty but responsible.”

“What I say, the American people will believe.”

“It’s not possible to hate you.”

“It was not done out of malice.”

“Sex crazed home wrecking machine.”

“Something out of a bad soap opera.”


“Keep it that way.”

“Capacity for disloyalty.”

“POTUS is secure.”

“I do not need God to tell me what are my moral absolutes.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Loft’ promo

‘I Live With Models’ promo
WTF is with this insupportable crap?

Best Lines:
“The pervert you moved in yesterday.”

“Bigger nuts on show.”

‘Gotham’ promo

The Casual Vacancy’ promo
Go away BBC1.

How To Get Away With Murder’ promo

I will review ‘The Ocean of Time; ‘Uncertain Logic’, ‘To The High Redoubt’, ‘Impulse’ and ‘Wastelands 2’.

The Jimmy Fallon ‘Saved By The Bell’ reunion was good - Slater’s leotard, the Jesse becoming a stripper joke, Kelly’s knocked up, Mr Belding has aged badly and no Tori, Lisa or Screech.

WTF is ‘The Dark Artifices’?

WTF is Californian Tan Panstick?

The Arnolfini Portrait by Jan Van Eyck exists as a tea towel.

The cover of 'Dark Ascension' is bad.

Dark chocolate with mint - nice.
Nougat - okay.
Violet garlic - lovely, shame the houseguests stole it all.

Bitter misanthropic houseguests drive me mad with their tawdry delusions of intellectualism and class. They have a nihilistic ambivalence to their sins: nearly ripping the toilet off the wall, lying in bed all day, drinking to excess, making mess, messing up the dishwasher, piling up laundry, screeching about how it’s cold, whining, buying too many newspapers, breaking plates, nearly causing an accident with bleach and being seemingly incapable of existing off-line or buying printer ink cartridges.

‘Inside Amy Schumer’ Quotes:
“Wet nut contest!”

“Fear-hiding techniques.”

“That’s not a complement.”

“That’s a never say.”

“Patience. So much patience.”

“Do you teach art to cats?”

“Don’t forget your duck mouth.”

“I look like a whore locked out of her apartment.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I hate not being heard or validated.”

“Her ‘Notebook’ moment.”

“Crazy pathetic bitch.”

“Quit being so paranoid.”

“Gee golly darn.”

“I’m not allowed to say anything.”

“Socially acceptable answer.”

“Warning the world about her.”

“Astoundingly unbecoming.”

Gone Girl’ Quote:
“You see some of the homeless guys wandering around town in packs, looking real, real pissed?”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
“Tart themselves around the neighbourhood and will latch on to the anyone fool enough to open the door.”

“Feels the heat.”

“Years of spills in the hunting field have left her with a permanently painful back.”

“Well-maintained matron she has become.”

“Enjoys the luxurious lifestyle her status affords.”

“Never begrudges her any extravagance.”

“She has her own dresser.”

“Punched in the face by a drunken gorilla.”

“That school “wasn’t for her”.”

“We portray characters.”

“Equally disgusted.”

“Culpable embezzlement.”

“Magical forest mushroom complex.”

“Profoundly unfair.”

“Ancient woodland.”

“Blatant form of intimidation.”

“Arrogant, dismissive and shambolic.”

“The foul weather in my head.”

“Why does Fry exist?”

“Pretty aware early on that I wasn’t interested, and I did think he felt it was something lacking in me.”

“Spends a lot of time on things that aren’t worthy of him.”

“Lip-curling derision.”

“Exercises his “singular tastes” upon her.”

“Really not normal people.”

“Eat your fruit and veg, don’t drink it.”

“Form a gel in your intestine.”

“It looked like one of those packet sauces people used to eat in the 1980s, which were glossy with cornstarch.”

“Bland to the point of being horrid.”

“A flaccid core taste.”

“Tawdry dilution.”

“Jaded and moribund.”

“Dreary offerings such as the car ferry serial Triangle.”

“Loudmouth dim-bulb.”

“Her ghastly dog Willie.”


“Den and Angie, who ran the Queen Vic when not launching crockery at each other.”

“Greasy wrong ‘un Nick Cotton who got the first cliffhanger (smashing his fist through the Queen Vic window).”

“A very obvious and over-lit studio set.”

“Everything looked peeling, shabby and brown.”

“Arthur Fowler’s theft of the Christmas club money.”

“Dated gangland stories.”

“Endlessly threatening lovable wide boy Alfie Moon.”

“Ceaselessly discussed.”

“Incendiary moment of symbolism.”

“About as thrilling as a dishwasher manual.”


“Three drinks and you’re back at her place, trussed up like a turkey.”

“Glaring glamorisation of violence.”

“Begins to manage her behaviour to keep peace in the relationship.”

“Being prised out - sometimes with great force.”

“Never plausibly explained.”

“No apology or explanation was forthcoming.”

‘The Sunday Business Post’ Quotes:
“What society are we building here?”

“Worst excesses of contemporary art’s superficiality.”

“Adages and anecdotes.”

“Contemporary indignities.”

“Gleefully disrespectful depiction.”


“Jingoistic barricade-calling.”

“Deliberately dumb.”

“Tied to a tree in a re-education camp on the Chinese border.”

‘Sunday Independent’ Quotes:
“Having awful eyebrows.”

“The clip-in-hair.”

“All a bit self-indulgent.”

“Zipper problem.”

“Out-of-control appetites.”

“Carnage with a heap of mattresses on the floor.”

“Fat, naked, 60 something stranger.”

“Rackety sex-lives.”

“Seemingly endless woes.”

“A victim of victor’s justice.”

“Unable to reconcile himself.”

“Really intrusive questions.”

“Severe emotional disturbance.”

“Woefully, inadequate and uncaring response.”

“Disingenuous intentions.”

‘Countryfile’ Quotes:
“What did they do?”

“They’re a complete mystery.”

“Dull little brown job.”

“Little brown jobs that flit around.”


“Regulate their emotions.”


‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Became an obnoxious punk.”

“Voted by her school friends the girl most likely to get arrested.”

“She was a grouchy waster, ill-disciplined and nihilistic.”

“Scully and her three piece suit and her awkward hair.”

“I’d come home at 3am and paint walls because that’s the time I’d allotted to painting walls.”

“The skinhead bastard at the end of the road.”

“The whole community had been stigmatised.”

“Illegal drinking dens.”

Lady Killer #2 Reviewed

Josie is undercover at a titty bar and has an ideological certainty about murdering some perfunctory dude-bro utilising a slew of techniques. Peck her boss and Stenholm his boss want a word. They’re all illiberal falsity. Josie is no neophyte and has a cover of doing volunteer work at a hospice to cover up her murdering. Josie has no qualms over her job or does she? There are sinister implications. This is good and Josie’s job prospects may be finite.

Best Lines:
“If you think you’re going to be sick, pal, just shove your face into that hat of yours.”

“I don’t want to have to look up at you while I’m eating. I’ll get indigestion.”

“I’m content.”
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