January 22nd, 2015

Scary Books

Book Review: My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine by Jo Gibson
From the author of ‘The Crush’, ‘The Crush II’ and ‘Slay Bells’ comes this sadly inept 1995 novel. At Hamilton High a dance is planed so a random nutter passes disapproving moral judgement on various female students who he doesn’t deem worthy of being crowned Queen Of Hearts. Multiple deaths should be potentially disruptive but oddly aren’t to the non-socially reserved students. This was a boring and dated tale of cardboard characters, cardboard murders, oddly chaste teenagers, random personality changes and a lame reveal of the mad murderer.

Best Lines:
“Roses are red, and crowns are gold. A Valentine queen has values to uphold.”

“Even the Sheriff admitted that something strange was happening in Clearwater. Four girls had died,”
Scary Books

9 Movie Reviews

Footloose (1984)
Kevin Bacon, Lori Singer, Chris Penn and Sarah Jessica Parker star in this culture curtailing mess. A tractor fight?!?

Big Business (1988)
Fractious mis-matched twins comedy.

The Ring (2002)
The original J-horror is better.

The Flight Of The Phoenix (1965)

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer (2007)
Ioan Gruffudd can’t act.

Eragon (2006)

A Few Good Man (1992)
Jack Nicholson shouts.

New York Stories (1989)
A portmanteau of three short films. First is a Martin Scorsese tale of a tortured artiste (Nick Nolte) and his brooding. Then comes a Francis Ford Coppola tale of a young girl who lives in a hotel and reads French Vogue. Finally there is a Woody Allen tale of a nebbish man and his mother. Yawn.

Hollow Man (2000)

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Revenge’ 4x14 promo
French chick vows revenge against Emily. Oh get lost French chick. This show is just an overwhelming failure and full of a toxic dynamic now.

‘Spy’ (2015) trailer
Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne, Jason Statham, Jude Law, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale, Peter Serafinowicz, Allison Janney and Morena Baccarin star in this spy comedy. Law has an awful American accent; McCarthy is a CIA analyst and looks funny.

Best Lines:
“Dial it way back with the T word.”

“Thanks lunch lady.”

“You’re delightful.”

“Limp dick unicorn!”

‘Scorpion’ promo

‘How To Get Away With Murder’ promo

Best Line:
“Bury the evidence.”

‘Kingsman: The Secret Service’ TV spot

‘Supernatural’ 9x03 promo
Sam monotones and falls over a lot. Yawn.

'Big Hero 6' TV spot

'The Flash' 1x11 promo
Pied Piper snarks, Wells is creepy and Cisco is a moron.

S.Pellegrino water - good.
Moinillons Menthe - ok.

‘Gotham’ is renewed. Yay?

The new ‘1636’ novel ‘The Cardinal Virtues’ actually sounds good.

Chad Michael Murray has married, again.

Simon Pegg is co-writing 'Star Trek 3'?

Wasn't 'Powers' supposed to star Jason Patric? And it is on the PlayStation Network?

'World War Z 2' info sounds interesting.

Interesting 'Hannibal' info.

The 90s Jo Gibson novels 'The Dead Girl' and 'Dance of Death' had such 90s covers and taglines: 'She's pretty, she's popular, she's dead' and 'Shoes to die for'.

‘The Shipkiller’ Quotes:
“It was probably still sinking, with a mile or two yet to fall before it touched the cold, muddy floor.”

“You’re in no condition for shouting.”

“It was easy to dislike the man. He talked in a loud voice.”

“A real creep joint.”

‘Evening Standard’ Quote:
“He saw mothers with Munchhausen Syndrome By Proxy wherever he looked.”

‘Raising Hope’ Quotes:
“You smell like toilet bowl cleaner.”

“You can’t unsmell that.”

“Your fly’s open.”
“Can’t sell if you don’t advertise.”

“You can stop.”

“I refuse to make a scene.”

“Cross dressing skinhead.”

“Banned German pornography.”

“They make me feel virile.”

“You’re a rich girl who married into all this. Something went pretty wrong.”

“Champion cart wrangler.”

“Turnip vodka.”

“That’s my internet girlfriend.”

“Cultural differences rose to a level not seen since ‘Rocky IV’.”

“We would feed this to ox.”

“An allergic reaction to the Russian cologne: Chernobyl Breeze.”

“We’re busy doping.”

“Left their hopes as shrivelled as their testicles.”

“I want my glory whole!”

“Set to up tempo music.”

“A heavy diet of processed lunch meat.”

“Beer was easy to steal.”

“You’re like a deli slicer with boobs.”

“This is America. Home of the moral victory.”

“I ain’t got no coupons.”

‘A Knight’s Tale’ Quote:
“You manky git.”

‘Friends’ Quote:
“A who’s who of human crap.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I sent my bedroom furniture to Ghana, along with a 2007 Ford Focus.”

“Wound up sinking off the coast of Belgium. I hate it when that happens.”

“All for a photoshoped person.”

‘The Big Bang Theory’ Quotes:
“My sharply worded comments on yelpdotcom recently took down a local muffin store.”

“Ducks have neither a need for nor the ability to use umbrellas.”

“Is that my arm?”
“It doesn’t feel like an arm.”
“Then maybe you should let it go.”

On ‘Fringe’ was Peter was supposed to be happy with his abductor father who was his forever family? Boy did TPTB screw up that intriguing First People hint they dropped in 2x21. The whole crossing between universes method and consequences was wildly inconsistent. Poor Walternate had his son stolen and no one cared. The other universe had comics like Red Lantern and Red Arrow: “Things that might have been in our world but weren’t.” Where is Anna Torv these days?

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Ste and John-Paul have to go for HIV tests due to Ste’s infidelity. Dodger is gone from the opening credits. Why does John-Paul have such existential hopelessness and why is so servile to Ste’s creepy bj magic? Ste has HIV and is a narcissistic self-referenced personality. Sienna’s been sectioned again. Ste is as rough as the inside of a coal scuttle. Will’s comatose. The evidence that Freddie killed Mercedes continues to pile up.

Special Unit 2 (2001 - 2002) 1x01 +Devious Maids 2x01 +The 100 2x03 +Wolf Hall (2015) 1x01 Reviewed

The Brothers
Darwin was half right. This is another forgotten UPN series like ‘All Souls’, ‘Freedom’, ‘The Burning Zone’, ‘Jake 2.0’, ‘Legend’, ‘Level 9’, ‘The Love Boat: The Next Wave’, ‘Marker’, ‘Moesha’, ‘Nowhere Man’, ‘The Sentinel’, ‘Seven Days’, ‘Shasta McNasty’, ‘The Strip’, ‘Sweet Valley High’ and the 2002 ‘Twilight Zone’. O’Malley (Michael Landes) works for a Division of the Chicago police and Benson (the utterly untalented Alexondra Lee) finds out about it. This had bad acting, exposition, extremely 90s opening credits and mumblings about Links.

Benson doesn’t act like a cop. This predates ‘Grimm’ and ‘Torchwood’. Links are the missing links and are monsters. A gnome named Carl is a police snitch. Gargoyles are descended from dinosaurs and like to eat humans. There is forced conflict and all the characters are horrible, callous, unscrupulous, emotionally abusive people. SU2 wield silly weapons and this was not a decisive triumph. It was bad and destructive full of challenging behaviour and who cares about the nasty, unpleasant and rude people?

Best Lines:
“There’s nothing outside the window.”

“Guns don’t kill people, gargoyles do.”

“Who are you?”
“Nothing and nobody. If I were you, I’d make up something real quick.”

“You’re under arrest!”

“They’re all real. Cept vampires.”

“We’d be looking for pieces of you in its stool.”

“Thanks for the six months of ridicule.”

“You’re an ass face!”

“Strangely unsatisfying.”

An Ideal Husband
It’s 3 months later and everyone has new hairstyles. Marisol is engaged to a man whose wife Dahlia went off a bridge in 1999 in mysterious circumstances. His maid Opal wants Marisol gone. Rosie has a sob story. Peri is still awful. The Powells are still weird. This was all surface relationships and incoherence. Carmen is trash and won’t defuse confrontations with Odessa. Carmen is adversarial and Odessa is aggeratedly grim. Valentina is sick of Zoila’s narcissistic crap.  The Powells are robbed. Everyone is a pain in the b. I didn’t care for this at all. Marisol’s plot rips off ‘Psycho’ and ‘Rebecca’. Marisol’s son has pissed off after all the effort she went to. Mrs Powell fancies her bodyguard Tony. The Westmores ignore their son. Zoila is awful. This was a homogenous mass. Mrs Perry plots and a Robin Hood gang plot.

Best Lines:
“Chunk of sludge.”

“I had aspirin for breakfast.”

“The lepers are whining.”

“Try to seem annoyed.”

“I’m not ready to forgive her.”

“Mr Powell, that’s a tree.”

“If course you can. Do this.”

“I am not downstairs anymore. I am upstairs.”

“You’ll just annoy me.”

“He’s so evil.”

“Just try to wear a shirt.”

Clarke discovers one of the horrifying secrets of Mount Weather. Finn has had a carefree abandon to violence. Clarke and Anya escape Mount Weather. There are bodies, Reapers and Abbie is agitated. Murphy and co stomp around the woods. Octavia joins the Grounders and she is unafraid. Darkness and death are everywhere. Abbie’s heated exchanges earn her a shock-lashing. Anya has a bone to pick with Clarke’s impetus ass.

Clarke is a ninny. She gets it from her mother. Abbie is a perpetrator who is shocked that the rules apply to her. Finn is crazier than a woman who has fallen for a catfish on ChristianMingle. This episode was not sustainable. Is Maya complicit in Mount Weather’s evil? Lincoln is a prisoner in Mount Weather. Kane heads off to find the Grounder commander and make peace. Abbie is to run Camp Jaha. Abbie?!? Clarke is not going to get away with killing 300 Grounders. A Mount Weather goon mutters about the Cerberus Project and it is strongly suggested that Mount Weather created the Reapers.

Best Lines:
“Are we really back to this?”

“She’s the bait.”

“I’m not afraid.”
“You will be.”

“The harvest chamber.”

“Octavia of the Sky People.”

Three Card Trick
This is based on Mantel’s novels ‘Wolf Hall’ and ‘Bring Up The Bodies’. It is 1529 and Henry VIII is not a forgiving man. Cardinal Wolsey (Jonathan Pryce of ‘Evita’ and ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’) is dismissed as Lord Chancellor. There are flashbacks and not very erudite dialogue. Thomas Cromwell (Mark Rylance) had a mass culture upbringing and is not emotive. Enemies like Gardiner (Mark Gatiss) lurk in shadows.

Wolsey has not facilitated an annulment so Anne Boleyn instigates mischief. Cromwell has a family and a household and is a follower of Luther. Thomas More and Chapuys lurk in malevolent fashion. This is not told in linear fashion. Cromwell’s family die of the sweating sickness and he visits his awful father. Anne Boleyn (Claire Foy of ‘Going Postal’ and ‘White Heat’) won’t say Cromwell’s name right. The lute player Mark strums his lute. Mary Boleyn is saucy.

Anne Boleyn is a greedy immoral seductress in a creased dress. Cromwell riles, needles and goads. Katherine of Aragon (Joanne Whalley of ‘Kill Me Again’ and ‘The Virgin Queen’) looks too young. Henry VIII (Damian Lewis of ‘The Sweeney’ and ‘Homeland’) shows up just before the episode ends. There is a WW2 homage and this was dull.

Best Lines:
“This is to be Anne Boleyn’s.”

“Connived in dark corners with him and I won’t have that.”

“He’s the man who’ll have to hold the North for us one day.”

“Butcher’s boy! Butcher’s dog!”

“You are looking at your herring as if you hate it.”

“Why are you such a person?”

“The mistake was making an enemy of Anne Boleyn. But then who knew how far she’d rise?”

“Her flat chested sister.”

“My sister likes a good fight. Come again.”

“Wrong side lad.”
“I noticed.”

“How’s your fat priest?”

“Which you called...”
“A dog hole Majesty.”
“How could you say so?”
“Uh, I’d been there.”

“Your reputation is bad.”