January 4th, 2015

Scary Books

The Musketeers 2x01 Reviewed

Keep Your Friends Close
This new series opens with Richelieu’s funeral. Louis XIII misses him but the musketeers are relieved and mocking. Richelieu’s man Rochefort escapes from a Spanish jail. Anne gives birth to the future Sun King. Athos is fugly and an ill chosen camera angle shows us his nostrils. Rochefort (Marc Warren) has an agenda. The musketeers are arrogant, castigating, weaselly and full of inadequacies. Complications come in legions. Anne is a prig. Louis XIII bemoans and is increasingly fraught.

There are hints about Porthos’ paternity and Aramis learns that the late Cardinal knew all his secrets. The musketeers have to rescue a French general from a Spanish prison. Constance has verbosity even as she gets a job working for the Queen. This was all oily hype designed to narrow intellectual scope. A Spanish ambassador vivifies. Peter Capaldi’s exit has had a negative effect and the show and this episode could hardly be more boring.

D’Artagnan and Constance’s ‘romance’ is drained of feeling and thought. Constance drones on and on, essentially saying she has to keep her legs closed. Aramis’ plotline (which is a total rip-off of the 1998 ‘Man In The Iron Mask’) is tense and stunted. The musketeers’ uniforms are a plot point but they don’t have uniforms. The concept of infection is brought up. The Woody Harrelson look-alike Rochefort broods with his unwashed hair. Treville has assumptions, pre-existing prejudices and spews incentive.

Richelieu is dead years too early and Louis XIV birth has been brought forward. D’Artagnan is a man-whoring twat. D’Artagnan does ‘heroics’ and climbs up a well. The captive general’s dim bint sister Lucy is shoe-horned into the plot. There is nudity, action, no moral standards and metal railings. Where's Mazarin? What game is Rochefort playing?

Best Lines:
“So answer the question. Politely.”

“A troop of performing monkeys.”

“Praise and glory are two of my favourite things.”

“A musketeer flunky.”

“I’d be nothing more than your whore.”

“I’d die on the streets.”

“Should have nailed down the coffin lid myself.”

“Your plan failed, in so many respects.”

“They have no love for a Spanish Queen.”

“He questioned our parentage.”
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Trailers, Quotes and a 2005 Tape Tale

‘The Flash’ 1x10 promo
Wells likes the name The Reverse-Flash. Snart’s back. Mmmm.

‘Wild’ TV spot

‘The Musketeers’ 1x02 promo
Louis XIII has an adventure, Milady Di Winter shows up and the King may miss the christening of his son. Yawn.

Best Lines:
“Kill the king?”
“Why not?”

RIP Edward Hermann

So Dr Wells of ‘The Flash’ can heal fast like Barry.

Saw a bit of ‘King Arthur’ on TV and saw the future ‘Hannibal’ actors who would play Will and Hannibal as two of King Arthur’s knights.

Peter Pan Live’ was terrible.

I am reading ‘Zombie Apocalypse! Endgame’.

Annie Proulx is whining, again.

Lir Twists - ugh.
Honeycomb - yum.
Butter brittle milk choc - ok.
Cranberry cream dark choc - ugh.
Praline milk choc - divine.
Applewood cheese - yum.

Anyone else recall Biarritz bars?

‘Teen Titans Go!’ Quote:
“Pretty Pretty Pegasus.”

‘Cuckoo’ Quotes:
“I’d rather lick the turkeys arse till it’s cooked by friction.”

“What are you doing in my room you freak?”

“Would be our alien-bride.”

“Nobody actually believes that story Dylan.”

“You were caught stealing at a funeral?”

“Didn’t you also once show up to a kid’s party high on E?”

“Anyone else?”

“Get over it ‘Dawson’s Creek’!”

‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ Quote:
“I hear the insurance company is refusing to pay the claim on that car you crashed. Something about intentional 100-metre drops not being covered.”

‘Django Unchained’ Quote:
“You mean you wanna dress like that?”

‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ Quotes:
“First I’ll take your life my lord and then I’ll take your throne.”

“Yet another kingdom falls to your glory.”

“You would kill your Queen?”

“I seem to have drunk it all. But you’re welcome to it when it comes out again.”

“I will never stop, never.”

‘The Gloss’ Quotes:
“I’d have dragged the woman who took my seat out by the hair.”

“Clinging to the mast like a preternatural mollusc.”

“The kids are mounting a rebellion about the ongoing lack of biscuits. The dog has attacked the pile of mouldering vegetables and strewn a bag of spinach all over the kitchen - even he doesn’t want to eat it.”

“Grouchier than usual.”

‘Amazon Women On The Moon’ Quote:
“First Lady Of The Evening...in easy to read type with no big words.”

‘A Candle For d’Artagnan’ Quotes:
“His father died for the shame of it, and his wife threw herself into the ocean.”

“She, who for so long has lived in obscurity and neglect, has now some position in the court for the sake of the Heir, and she uses it well, for she has few illusions. The years she spent in virtual exile in her own apartments taught her not to trust the favour of the court.”

‘Second Contact’ Quotes:
“Behavior-vectored diseases.”

“We don’t run naval vessels by closure and consensus.”

“Majestic Corporation has identified their star origins and has hypothesized that their biological shortcomings were caused by radiation damage from a supernova in their region.”

“Dislike the sloppy appearance, sloppy dress, and sloppy discipline of news media people.”

‘The Domination’ Quotes:
“The things you new-caught get upset about, it beyond me.”

“Tryin’ to keep us off until their atomics got going.”

“We used too many of the atomics breakin’ through into Spain. I considered settlin’ in Rosillon, down near the Pyrenees, but on second thoughts, no. Not that I doubt Tech Sec’s infallible judgment ‘bout it bein’ safe, but I wanted to stay as far upwind of the hell garbage as possible.”

“Bourgeois slut.”

“Blowsy, overblown gutter tart.”

“That such education as there was in the Domination was in English only; writing in other tongues was forbidden on pain of death.”

“They are an abominable people.”

“Serious. Citizen casualties, mobs of ‘em nearly burst out of their compounds into the free zones, turned them back with vehicle-mounted flamethrowers.”

“Close only counts with fragmentation weapons.”

“Gray faces of the Belgian farmers as they prepared to drive their tractors out over the minefields.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Robbie plots against Joe. Teegan obsesses over her ‘real baby’. I feel naught but irritation.

Cleared out a 2005 tape. It began with a ‘Point Pleasant’ ep ‘Missing’ which was about as enjoyable as having a surf board rammed into your face. Jesse accepts that he was born and bred to fight Christina the antichrist. Christina is disgruntled that everyone abandons her. Boyd is luxuriant in his merciless awfulness. Marauding antichrist fighters run around accomplishing nothing. Paula is face-plamingly stupid. Judy is not so amiable. While not glaringly prestigious, this show had the seed of a good idea. Jesse acts like a certifiable lunatic as supernaturalism surrounds him. Christina wants an examination of issues but is rebuffed. Jesse is discouraged from objective inquiry and has about as much emotion as a tableau vivant. Jerk Ben has his wife Meg dragged off to the nut house.

Best Lines:
“I’ll put you through that wall, I’m serious.”

“Point Pleasant will burn.”

“By the way my dad is Satan.”

Then came another ‘Point Pleasant’ ep ‘Mother’s Day’ in which dramatic organ chords play. The awful townsfolk need to be held accountable for their actions. Jesse is antithetical to acting. Christina who hitherto denied her destiny gives in due to intimacy being ruined by distrust. Christina’s social situation is made worse by this particular place, mindset and morality. Christina meets her mommy who wants to undo her and snap her neck. Boyd walks off being shot in the face. This was not atmospheric and has no profound contemplation. All Christina’s good identity is eliminated so understandably she goes full on Damien Thorne. None of the goodies’ are venerable and have no qualms over ritual murder. This was overstretched.

Best Lines:
“You remember me? The one who’s still alive.”

“You left a long time ago.”

“This is a family thing!”

“You do understand you’re the antichrist don’t you? The guy mom’s got you praying to? Not a fan.”

“I just had the most interesting conversation with one of your colleagues. When he wasn’t screaming, he was telling me all about your little plan.”

“I’m here to kill the child of the beast.”

Finally there was the 2002 movie ‘Star Trek: Nemesis’ in which Tom Hardy plays Shinzon a clone of Picard’s. This trend proof flop nearly killed the Trek franchise. Shinzon leads a coup on Romulus. Troi and Riker wed. Data and Picard get way too much screen time. Data sings Irving Berlin songs and Picard drives a dune buggy. B4 (yet another Data like android) shows up. Admiral Janeway has a cameo to show off her rotten acting and her implacable annoyingness. Picard makes war jokes. The reboot was needed to reinvigorate the franchise. This film is proof positive of Patrick Stewart’s marauding ego. There are Remans and Shinzon needed pastoral care service and impartial advice. Riker gets command of the Titan, Ron Perlman is in this, there are dodgy sexual politics and the petulant Shinzon wears a fetish outfit that almost makes you overlook his rotten teeth and terrible acting.

Best Line:
“Heavy weapons construction.”
Scary Books

5 Movie Reviews

C.H.U.D II: Bud The Chud (1988)

Dial M For Murder (1954)
A gold-digging tennis bum decides to rid himself of his meal ticket wife (a bored looking Grace Kelly). It doesn’t work out. This lacked interest, talent or nuance.

L.A. Confidential (1997)
Based on the James Ellroy novel. In 50s LA, sleazy cop Vincennes (Kevin Spacey) is an advisor to ‘Badge of Honor’ star (Matt McCoy) while working with Hush-Hush reporter (Danny Devito) to bust hopheads like some dude (Simon Baker). Meanwhile snotty self righteous trend-shifter Exley (Guy Pearce) wants to clean up the LAPD and he dislikes the fearsome White (Russell Crowe) who is protected by the Irish captain (James Cromwell). White likes the ho (Kim Basinger) and mafia type Cohen (Paul Guilfoyle) lurks. This was all booze, grit ostensible noir. Exley has self-determination; White has a piercing stare and sweats in a vest. Hardboiled dialogue is uttered, Vincennes overdoes the hair oil, there is a diner massacre and Exley earns notoriety for being a smug git. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He kills dozens of people a year.”

“Hopheads prowl for marijuana.”

“White’s a mindless thug.”

“Your adherence to violence.”

“In desperate needs of re-education in the ways of polite society.”

“The great jerk off case of 1953.”

“Whatever you desire.”

“I’ve got a hot date.”
“Yeah? Who is she and what did you arrest her for?”

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)
This urine coloured collection of random scenes strung together was dross. There’s a transformer on the moon, humans are formulating a response to transformers running around and there is a laid-back aura of gay jokes, sexism and racism. This was un-productive and unfulfilling. No wonder the actor who played Sam had a violent psychological meltdown and went off to wallow in ennui and isolation.

Bay is a cancer on Hollywood and the horrible truth is, he’ll keep on getting away with his malignity. Various ‘stars’ take part in this non-compelling torpor which is full of clamminess as all dignity falls away. This was insufferable self-absorbed movie making in which robots are either yak yak yaking or humans are ranting irrationality. This was ramshackle, soulless crap in which women are treated as meat. It’s all emblematic of a larger structural problem - this movie makes no sense. The male characters are all horrible while female characters dress and are treated like whores and the acting is equally terrible. Yet they made a 4th one. Sigh.

Best Lines:
“I feel safer when I sleep with a hand grenade.”

“Ambush journalism.”

That’s My Boy (2012)
In 1984 gawky tween Donny is abused by his teacher who conceives a son. Everyone thinks this is awesome and makes Donny a sex god. Years pass and Donny (Adam Sandler - who else?) is a loser who drinks, screws, parties and suffers no consequences for anything. His son Han Solo (Andy Samburg) wants to get married and be respectable. But his dad shows up to party, hang out with Vanilla Ice and act like the 80s never ended. Cue sexism, Peter from ‘Heroes’ running around naked and horrendous sexual politics. This was just wrong on every level.

Best Lines:
“Are you back on drugs?”

“You haven’t paid taxes since 94.”

“A show on 80s train wrecks.”

“I gave you a snake!”
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Book Review: Two Hundred And Twenty-One Baker Streets, part 3 + Tainted Blood

Two Hundred And Twenty-One Baker Streets edited by David Thomas Moore, part 3

The Innocent Icarus
In an AU Victorian London, Holmes is an audacious success despite being differentiated in this world by being absolutely normal apart from his methodology. Okay.

Best Line:
“Has done nothing to make good on the threat other than to instruct his lawyers to issue menacing letters and denounce my husband in public forums whenever the opportunity arises.”

Half There/All There
In 1970s New York, Holmes and Watson are into Andy Warhol’s Factory scene as well as each other. But their shared ambition is disrupted by an encroaching storm brought about by the hell beast Irene Adler. Excellent.

All The Single Ladies
John Watson is a doctor on a campus where a lunatic is on the loose and a reality show is filming. A female Sherlock Holmes shows up to overshare, be evasive and enumerate everything everyone else has missed. Okay.

The Patchwork Killer
In modern day America, a descendant of Watson accidentally clones Holmes (or something) and together they fight crime. I hate read this non-innovative ridiculous tale that makes no sense.

This is an AU tale about Holmes and Watson as teenage girls who like AU ’Sherlock’ fanfic. This is a wonderful meta-story about how Watson and Holmes belong together in whatever iteration they are. This was excellent.

Tainted Blood by M.L. Brenna
The 3rd in ‘Generation V’ series. A power shift will soon take place within the Scott family. The matriarch is dying and Fort’s transformation into a full vampire is speeding up layer by increasingly ugly lawyer. Fort looks into goings on in the werebear community, avoids thinking about his mother’s impending death and realises that for too long his thoughts on his future have been blissfully anaesthetised. He has to make a reconsideration of his relationship with his siblings and the victims he will one day have to lure. This was okay as a sense of change permeates everything and it is clear that some of Fort’s beliefs have been misplaced. I enjoyed this and look forward to Book 4. Where is Matt?

Best Lines:
“The gray clouds in the sky seemed uncertain about whether they would wholly commit to a full rainstorm or just continue looking atmospheric.”

“Suze had punched a seal in the face.”

“Enough to make me look seriously drugged-up and creepy.”

“Listen, some bears might come and try murder us in the night,”

“Now get with the not trusting.”
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    We Belong - Pat Benetar
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