December 26th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 1998 Tape Tale

‘Exodus: God & Kings’ TV spot
No.

‘The Musketeers’ season 2 promo
Milady de Winter, the birth of the Sun King, action and the Cardinal is ‘gone’. We’ll see.

The 100’ season 2 promo
SHUT UP Finn.

The Rendlesham UFO Incident’ trailer
UFO hunters wander around Suffolk waving metal detectors. Bad things happen to the incompetent oafs.

Best Lines:
“MOD land!”
“Not particularly clever.”

‘It Follows’ trailer
A slasher with creepy sexual politics, a curse and something is watching. No.

‘Educating Marmalade’ opening credits
Classic 80s kids TV.

‘Sinbad/Tarzan’ promo
Those 90s action shows are advertised via gurning, silly fights, bad dialogue and this was ridiculous. And it was all set to the theme of ‘So Macho’.

‘Kindred: The Embraced’ promo
Mmmm.

Best Line:
There are no serial killers amongst the Kindred.”

Profit’ promo
Lying, cheating, stealing, even murder. For Jim Profit - it’s just another day at the office. Excellent ad.

Best Line:
“You are some piece of business.”

Roquefort cheese - divine.
Milk & Dark chocolate bar with a hazelnut praline centre and roasted almonds - yum.
Petit Carves au beurre, pointe de sel et chocolat noir - yum.
Candyfloss lollipop - mediocre.
Ricola original Swiss herbal sweets - ugh.

Read a good review of ‘The Children Of Old Leech’, I hope it is better than ‘The Croning’.

I am reading ‘Empire of Dust’.

Review of ‘Argo’ delayed.

RIP Billi Whitelaw.

Justin Lin is to direct ’Star Trek 3’?

‘Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends’ Quotes:
“What’s the sticky stuff all over the street?”

“You’re too poor to play with me.”

“I don’t like you! Go away!”

“My dollhouse is melting!”

“I’ll never like her.”

“Don’t talk to me like that or you’re not a cheerleader anymore.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“Her farts can be smelled the entire length of the table.”

“Bagging the comfiest chair.”

“It isn’t Ego’s fault - nothing ever is.”

“To further polarise an already polarised debate.”

“With no regard for narrative resolution.”

“Had plaudits pissed all over it.”

“TV mumbling scandals.”

“Cold voids.”

“Screen a programme you couldn’t understand even though it was in English.”

“The problem was the script, because you couldn’t hear it.”

“Made himself 10,000 times less popular than he already wasn’t.”

“The biggest career fail in history.”

“A whole swathe of British nostalgia collapsing into oblivion.”

“Maybe someone just accidentally shredded it with sweating, shaking hands and one foot up against the door.”

“All politicians are less popular than Stalin-flavoured crisps.”

“Increasingly petty series of complaints.”

“Emotion-flavoured dialogue that sounds as if it should spring from real feelings but doesn’t. Everyone looked embarrassed.”

“Less of a tin ear for sentiment.”

“Criminally underused.”

“Joked about shooting people from Chigwell in a “peasant hunt”.”

“Mock the vulgar lower orders.”

“Plastic social history.”

“Implanting of falsely comforting memories of a better bygone era.”

“Less obvious and more insidious.”

“Darkest recesses of our consumerist desires.”

“Despair leaks around the edges.”

“Which is how you get sacked in modern corporatese.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Dial down the activity of the spleen.”

“I’m not assuming, I’m asking.”

“After stabbing himself multiple times.”

“He’s turned a missile base into a refuge for millionaires.”

“Pitbull VX.”

“The days after society’s collapse.”

“Looters will come marauding.

“You’re showing authority.”

“Keep coming.”

“Amassed a private armoury.”

“Good for home defence.”

“Should Armageddon or whatever come to my doorstep.”

“A person dressed up as a cow.”

“Preppers have their own cuisine and cookery shows.”

“Each survival condominium.”

“America has a bunch of spoiled people in it.”

“We have strongholds.”

“A bad event.”

‘The Gate To Women’s Country’ Quotes:
“I didn’t like it the last time.”
“Good! That’s a very appropriate reaction.”

‘Cuckoo’ Quotes:
“The hole of shame.”

“He would eat the baby monkeys when they fell from the trees.”

“A proper car. With doors on it.”

“Not judging you. Or at least trying not to.”

“A drug crazed maniac with a knife. Or god forbid, two knives.”

“There’s a tree in the garden Ken, why don’t you go and hug it?”

“What’s not fun about a three bedroom semi with a south facing carport?”

~
Cleared out a 1998 tape. It began with a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Death in Chains’ in which Hades’ sister Celesta is taken prisoner. So Hades and his pleather asks Xena for help. Hades is hot. Xena and her nude lipstick is starchy. There are silly fights, urban theorising, discontent and this was not so grim.

Best Lines:
“God of the Underworld, at your service.”

“My compassion brought death to my door.”

Then came a ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘Epiphanies’ in which Bester and others mumble their dialogue. Garibaldi acts oddly, no-one cares. Sheridan the ‘great man of history’ clenches his jaw and has discontent. There is bad acting and ugly costumes. Lyta has a scathing critique of the way she’s treated. This was slatternly and doesn’t hold you rapt. Also the final scene is weird. Then came a ‘The Pretender’ ep ‘Bazooka Jarod’ in which he’s in the navy and chews gum. Characters mumble, a teen wants REM tickets and Miss Parker and Sidney want to drag Jarod back to the feudal yesteryear of the Centre. This was highly disorganised and overlit.

Finally there was an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose’ in which a killer kills psychics. A celebrity psychic makes various wild predictions like a romance between superstar Madonna and super witness Kato Kaelin. An unwilling seer of doom (Peter Boyle) whines. There is lots of yapping and this ep is not as exemplary as it thinks it is.

Best Lines:
“First victim’s body has been dumped somewhere. Then we find it in a dumpster.”

“How could I see the future if it didn’t already exist?”

~
On ’Hollyoaks’: Ste learns Sinead’s baby is his. Ste and John-Paul wed. Sienna wants to have a wedding to Mark who she’s stuffed into a Christmas sweater and handcuffed to a radiator next to her dollhouse in the basement. Sienna is full on ’Flowers in the Attic’. There are ridic flashbacks to kid Sienna. Cindy is suddenly better and agrees to marry Dirk. Sinead publicly reveals her foetus’ paternity and runs off on her hooker shoes and is the victim of a hit and run. She and her sprog live.
Cat

Movie Review: Rare Exports

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
This Finnish horror film sees archaeologists dig up a massive grave mound in Lapland which contains the original Santa. This leads to reindeer carnage, idiot kids in peril, poverty stricken locals wielding guns, much chomping of gingerbread, creepy elves and Santa is an ancient supernatural being who is rather more sinister than present day Christmas celebrations would have you believe. This has an advent calendar, deadpan humour and the threatened, maligned and powerful get all the petty power in the end. This was good.

Best Lines:
“What the hell did they dig up?”

“Centuries to build this mound, you have 24 hours to open it.”
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Scary Books

The Flash 1x09 + Doctor Who: Last Christmas Reviewed

The Man In The Yellow Suit
Barry is mortifying and plays the victim because Iris owes him sex in his view. Barry has internalised rage and does incessant forlorn staring. Iris isn’t psychologically sharp. There is bad acting. The man in the yellow suit attacks. There is no psychological drama realism as the humanoid abomination shows what a brutally calculating sociopath it is.

Mercury Labs is robbed and Dr Christina McGee (Amanda Pays of ‘The Kindred’ and ‘Leviathan’) is slippery. Snow has layers of grief deep and bleeding over Ronnie (Robbie Amell) who she learns isn’t dead. Carlos has no deceit or guilt. Barry has anodyne quaintly cosy flashbacks.

The unbearable Barry is a gaping imbecile. Barry chases not so mellow yellow with resentment and gets beat down via highly threatening behaviour. Iris is easily deceived. Not so mellow yellow’s sartorial choice is questionable. Barry is not a nice guy everyman, he is perturbing. Eddie has dangerously original thinking and sees through some of Joe’s misdeeds and lies.

Ronnie aka Firestorm lurks. Barry is wrong headed and is an inexplicably clunky thing. There is trouble up at t’lab and more terrible consequences thanks to Wells’ pathology of power. This was good. Carlos acts like everyone’s least favourite sibling, Henry tells Barry to give up having his life dominated by his mother‘s loss. Either Henry is utterly broken behind the stubble or he is remarkably content in jail.

Barry ruffles the social fabric by telling Iris he loves her in an unspeakably horrible attempt at manipulation. It is exploitative drama and dishonest. Wells has mythologisation, grandiose slippery despicableness and the vicious and dastardly man in the yellow suit causes more gloominess. The man in the yellow suit gives nuthole Wells a beat down.

Who is the man in the yellow suit? Why does Firestorm and his ferocious fire show up depressingly conventionally to save the day? What is Iris’ reaction to Barry’s love confession and how he lied to her with his every attitude, manner and behaviour? Does she drink and cry on the stairs or ignore it? Joe’s challenge direct trundles along and he has no vitality and makes a miscalculation. There is brutality and brutishness thanks to the man in the yellow suit. Eddie is let in on some secrets.

The events in this episode should cause ructions. Barry and Joe are egregious and crass. Joe bigs up Barry and his mocking, sneering and complaining. There is no gritty realism. Carlos makes a revelation. Is Wells doomed to be misunderstood or is the shock final scene showing that Wells has a spiritual disease?

Best Lines:
“Who are you?”
“You know who I am Barry.”

“It is your destiny to lose to me, Flash.”

“Metahuman psychos.”

“I’m the Reverse.”

“He’s gonna kill Wells.”

“I warned you not to hunt me.”

“Don’t look for me again.”

~
Doctor Who: Last Christmas (2014)
This unwatchable ep is a symptom of this show’s visible and invisible damage from not getting rid of Clara and her bitter grudges. The reviled Nick Frost makes the sitch worst by vexing viewers as he prances around as Santa. The prevailing sitch is that Moffat decided to see the intellectual consequences of mashing up ‘Alien’ and a 90s ‘Outer Limits’ ep entitled 'Tempests'. This was terrible in every way. Die Clara die.
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Book Reviews: Growth + Burning Paradise + Abracadaver + Before The Kilt

Growth by Jeff Jacobson
It will eat you alive.
From the author of ‘Sleep Tight’ comes this tale of unbound frankenfood. Genetically modified corn contains a strain of fungus and anyone exposed becomes a hapless incubator for the pestilential substance. The small town of Parker’s Mill is ground zero for an outbreak that is almost Becketian in its starkness. This is a good horror, reminiscent of early Stephen King.

This has GM corn as a terrible idea, a hard belly female police chief killing monsters, a bereaved father has a strange martyred kind of logic, a bully is a domineering presence, a fixer lies and tries to make it alright and then resents those who refuse to be rescued and a sheriff has an iron belief in his own verbosity. This enjoyable novel has a nicely ominous ending.

Best Lines:
“Men are on their way. And we do not want to be here when they come.”

“We going to some kinda weird sex party?”

“Of course it isn’t legal. We have three.”

~
Burning Paradise by Robert Charles Wilson
From the author of ‘Mysterium’ comes this tale of world at peace since the Great Armistice of 2014. A world where human progress has been interfered with and directed by something otherworldly. Despite an intriguing premise, this bores. Various people systemically stalk and harass while conversing in snippy, irritated and impatient tones. There is hostility, paranoid fantasies and self-aggrandizing gestures by an unappealing slut with no redeeming features.

There is no palpable sense of suffocation just a lot of people with unshakable convictions that random events are a secret code to them alone. I felt coruscating disappointment. I don’t care about the petrifaction of humans or this unfocused heavily concepted mess. I felt disaffected after reading this and nothing in it is genuinely menacing.

Best Line:
“Beware the attention of strangers.”

~
Abracadaver by Laura Renick
After the rancidly bad ‘The Misfortune Cookie’, the ‘Esther Diamond’ series returns to form as she and her gang hunt down a corpse reviving demon. Also sadly Esther continues to be forever vulnerable to being a wretched victim of the astounding awful Lopez who acts like Esther should have grateful delight that he deigned to speak to her, gets angry at her voicing resentments, suffers embarrassment disorder that he had sex with her and makes it clear her role is to make him feel good about himself. Why does Esther keep placating him? Why is she still inexplicably chasing a man who is absolutely wrong for her and is mentally unfit? Lopez misinterprets her every deed, unceremoniously dumps her every other week, discredits her every word and is a fulsome ass. Apart from Lopez, this was good.

Best Lines:
“Almost as elegant as the floor of a public bathroom.”

“I got squat’s rejects.”

“A car breaking down is a sign of the demonic?”

“I didn’t conspire!”

“Aging out of the underwear game.”

~
Before The Kilt: How The Irish and Scots dressed in the 16th century by Gerald A. John Kelly
This is a badly written ranting take on Gaelic dress. It is full of author tracts, out of focus pictures, misspellings and is a sadly typical self-published embarrassment.
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