November 30th, 2014

Scary Books

12 Movie Reviews

Money For Nothing (1993)
Based on a true story. Bags of money fall off an armoured truck in Philadelphia and are found by unemployed waterfront worker Joey (John Cusack). He decides finders’ keepers. Joey starts spending, lying and is unable to comprehend money laundering. His idiot best friend (Michael Rapaport) is dumb, his gal pal (Debi Mazar) is dragged in and a cop (Michael Madsen) looks for the money.

There is arrogance, hypocrisy and a rotary phone joke. A jerkass barfly (Philip S. Hoffman) lurks, a thug (Bencio Del Toro) wears a purple puffa jacket, has an anchor around his neck and sports 90s hair. Joey is truly stupid and his bad boss is his brother (James Gandolfini). There is fighting, wryness, Joey pulls a gun and tries to escape loser town. There are no tender souls and this wasn’t that good. The real Joey killed himself just before this movie was released.

Best Lines:
“You don’t find that kind of money just lying on the street.”
“Just did.”

“It ain’t against the law to find money.”
“Just to keep it.”

“They’ll handcuff you to a desk.”

“It costs money to find money.”

“Take your husband to bed!”

“I want you out of this house!”

“Your very own key to the toilet.”

“Don’t be a punk.”

Firefox (1982)
Clint Eastwood has to steal a stealth plane from the USSR. He dislikes wearing shirts and is miserable. This is a premise squandering, glum and joyless film that is totally devoid of meaning or any potential statement. This is not coherent, purposeful or a sage commentary. It is just risible noise with bad SFX, plane stealing and death. Give me the ‘Iron Eagle’ quadrilogy or ‘Flight of Black Angel’ instead.

Best Line:
"They know now."

The Day of the Triffids (1962)
Unfaithful, silly and sees the Triffids defeated with salt water.

The Pacifier (2005)
I wish Vin Diesel would stop being in stuff.

Demolition Man (1993)
Very very loud.

Striking Distance (1993)

Scrooged (1988)
Only the Lee Majors cameo is funny.

Romancing The Stone (1985)

The Village (2004)
It has a twist don’t you know.

Predator 2 (1990)
Ridiculous and populated by the biggest idiots in the galaxy.

The Mummy Returns (2001)
Rick v The Scorpion King, silly.

Planet Terror (2007)
Dumb and has Freddy Rodriguez on a tiny bike.
Scary Books

Book Review: Game of Cages

Game Of Cages by Henry Connolly
Book 2 in the ‘Twenty Palaces’ saga starts out well as lowlife thug Ray tries to redeem himself by fighting evil using dark magic. But the plot is slow and meandering and the hardboiled dialogue Ray utters is ridiculous. Also the world building, magic system and motives are contradictory and this was exhaustively dull. No wonder this saga bombed harder than Dresden. I have no interest in the other books in the saga: ‘Child of Fire’, ‘Circle of Enemies’ and ‘Twenty Palaces’.

Best Lines:
“What’s wrong with it? Rabies? Why is it blue?”

“While you were carrying your books in the halls and complaining about homework, I was on the streets stealing cars and getting high. I was doing time in juvie for shooting my best friend.”

“I knew someone named King. I hoped to God it wasn’t the same guy.”

“I didn’t deserve to be safe.”

“Is this conversation going to take long? Because my socks are wet.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ teaser
The crucifix shaped lightsaber offends me.

‘Olive Kitteridge’ promo

I will review ‘Empire of Dust’.

I am reading ‘No One Gets Out Alive’.

An ‘Independence Day 2’? Why?

‘Foul Deeds Will Rise’ review delayed.

Ah, the Great Schism of 1054.

Meta Incognito - limits unknown.

RIP P.D James.

‘Father Ted’ Quote:
“Don’t tell me I’m still on that fecking island!”

‘No One Gets Out Alive’ Quotes:
“He looked and smelled as if he had been sleeping in the street.”

“They are aware of you.”

‘Cuckoo’ Quotes:
“Why would you agree to that? You’re supposed to love me.”

“Kind of like.”

“She is un-mounted.”

“Your predatory no-hoper son.”

Lemony lemonade - yum.
Salt and black pepper cashew nuts - ok.
Apple sausages - ugh.

‘Bejeweled’ is apparently crystal meth in video game form.

Recalled some more old UK comic stories. ‘Balloon of Doom’ in which an evil balloon menaces a girl. Stupid. Then there was ‘Nothing Ever Goes Right’ about a girl whose bad luck starts with her pony falling into barbed wire. The accident causes her face to be scarred and her pony has to be put down. It ends with poverty, her parents dead, the neighbours hateful and unhelpful, she’s homeless and then dies and is buried in an unmarked grave. Depressing.

Then there was ‘Young S.J’ which was a prequel to ‘The Honourable S.J’ in which the wicked spoilt brat schoolgirl is a tween and blackmails and bullies at her boarding school before being unmasked and disgraced. Then there was ’Is It?’ which was a sequel to ’The Honourable S.J’ in which S.J’s nemesis Ann suspects her new schoolmate is S.J with a bleach job and horn rimmed glasses. She’s right. Okay. ’The Siege of Sydney Street School’ was originally published in 1967.  Finally there was ‘Sandra of the Secret Ballet’ in which a woman abducts girls and takes them to an island to train them to be ballerinas. Nobody has any problem with this, at first. Okay.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Diane disowns Sinead again.

On ‘Neighbours’: I’m sick of Paige’s whining and self pity. Josh has got away scot-free with his coward punching. Josh and Brad’s dad finally notice Terese’s dispersing. Brad makes a reassessment of his marriage. Brad’s dad doesn’t like Terese. Karl buys ugly art. Paul is nice; remember when he was the local psychopath? Brad’s distorted representations of things are exposed and he obviously is still panting after Lauren. Paige barges in where she’s not wanted. Lauren and Brad have another private chat. Everything is Paige’s fault. Brad has no regrets. Terese reveals that she was Brad’s mistress when he was married to Beth. Terese got knocked up with twins and so Brad and Beth’s marriage of less than a year ended. Brad has a son with Beth he doesn’t seem to care about.

Paige shoves her nose into other people’s business. Brad’s dad won’t leave. Josh skips out on probation. Remember Lauren and Matt’s rancid thug son Mason? Paige wrecked Brad and Terese’s marriage and gets away with it. Sonya whines. Brad doesn’t care. Brennan is always sticking his nose into other people’s business. Brad complains about Terese to Lauren. Paul thinks Terese can do better. Josh gets away with not doing community service. Josh issues moral declarations. Sonya is reported for child neglect.

Best Lines:
“So explain.”

“This is because of Paige?”

“You don’t walk out.”

“The place with the pig.”

“Their marriage was fine until you arrived.”

“I’m judging me.”

“Brad on the other hand, is useless, lazy and a cheat.”

“Forgave your philandering husband over and over again.”

Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1985 - 1989) 3x09 + Arrow 3x05 + Reign 1x18 Reviewed

If Looks Could Kill
Katherine (Michelle Phillips of ‘Knot’s Landing’) has plastic surgery to resemble the lost love of a wealthy man named David (Duncan Regehr of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’). David and Katherine like each other but he is obsessed with his 'lost love' Anna (Andrea Roth of ‘The Club’ and ‘‘Ringer‘). Katherine is bored of her husband and life. So she gets magical plastic surgery to look just like Anna. She goes to David’s mansion whilst he is drinking and unveils herself to him. Scare chords play and David’s crazy. He whips out a gun. Katherine doesn’t run. There is death, a twist involving Katherine’s secretary Kelly (‘Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou’) and an utterly blasé reaction at the funeral. The real Anna shows up to gloat. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Photos, photos, all of her.”

“You gave em one.”

“Everything you want and everything you wanted before.”

“I’d lie in his bed and hate her with all my heart.”

“Your first love and your last!”

The Secret Origin of Felicity Smoak
There is a fine line between charming and irritating, Felicity crossed that line long ago. Something is up with Roy. Thea and Laurel train. Ray babbles. Felicity brushes her teeth and drinks coffee. Felicity’s mother shows up and is disrespected by her ungrateful brat. Thea rents a loft with Malcolm Merlyn’s money. Thea and Oliver don’t care about Tommy. Thea is selfish. Brother Eye causes a blackout. Felicity is an eye rolling snoot. Malcolm Merlyn stares.

Laurel yells and her extensions twitch. Felicity isn’t appreciative. Did Roy kill Sara? Oliver yells. Felicity needs a slap and accuses her mother of dressing like a porn star. Felicity dresses like a porn star and doesn’t wear a bra. Felicity is arrogant and DNA is not worth this. Felicity and her mother are in peril. There is ranting and a wifi watch saves the day. This was okay despite the sap and obvious baddie. Flashbacks to five years ago give Felicity’s back-story of being a Goth hacker and her idiot boyfriend Cooper. I don’t care about the vagaries of Felicity’s past and her hysteria. Felicity changed her personality overnight and I wish she'd go away.

Best Lines:
“Smart wearables.”

“You escalated it Laurel!”

“Tell me you’re not boozing again.”

“Secrets hurt.”

“I drive a hybrid! It’s blue!”

“Advantageous for me to be dead.”

“I flew some motivation into town.”

“Who worked 60 hour weeks in 6 inch heels for tips.”

No Exit
Lola is married, Kenna whines, Henri showboats and Francis peacocks. Moray - Mary’s bastard half-brother - shows up. Catherine is determined to alleviate Penelope’s influence. Mary is asked to make an intervention in Scotland. Francis has grudgingly lost unity with his wife. Nostradamus has politically toxic visions. Amour propre. The squalid Penelope wants it all and Henri has lost all care and socialisation. Catherine and Kenna plot. Kenna is tempted by commodity aesthetics. Francis has deep reserves of self pity. Lola suspects her husband, which is a grim overture to marriage.

Nostradamus wants out. Catherine is erosive. Francis makes ultimate positional demands causing a precipitous decline in Mary’s love. TPTB sanctify the kitsch and cloying. Penelope prances, Francis goads, Nostradamus has privations, Henri has quirks and incongruities whilst Mary is tantrummy and screeching. Mary’s suffocating self importance shows how Moray would have been a better King of Scotland. Francis has facetiousness, Lola won’t hand over her dowry, the unremitting Penelope oversteps, Olivia leaves and Mary is locked in tower. Well she better get used to that. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“This is blasphemy!”
“Then close your eyes!”

“I see no righteousness here.”

“We’re married, we can’t be unmarried.”

“There’s a Queen Mary on this coin, but not my Queen Mary.”

“You’d be rotting by now.”

“We fund her troubles.”

“A plan to get rid of her.”

“The years have been long and dark.”

“Sad old habits.”