November 26th, 2014

To Light The Way To Bed

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 10 Issue #9 Reviewed

Return To Sunnydale, conclusion
The Soul Glutton talks a lot in modern day English. Spike whines. Willow talks to herself and finally figures out the obvious: Andrew is trying to resurrect Tara. Spuffy is hinted at again. Andrew is a whiny ass and complains he isn’t trusted or part of the gang. Yes he is and he does not deserve to be. Andrew gets away with his crap yet again. People hug and console him. How does Andrew afford a house? The final page shows he has learnt nothing. Okay.

Best Lines:
“Less talky! More stabby!”

“Foul fleshing!”
Scary Books

11 Movie Reviews

Eraser (1996)
Terrible.

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998)
Sexist, stupid and stars James Woods. No.

My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)
Diaz and Roberts fight over the fugly sexist Dermot Mulroney - why?

Liar, Liar (1997)
Jim Carrey overacts.

Arachnophobia (1990)
8 legs, 2 fangs and an attitude. Hee.

No Way Out (1987)
Remember when Kevin Costner was a movie star and made decent movies?

Terminator 2:  Judgment Day (1991)
Robert Patrick’s brief brush with ACTINGS.

Top Secret (1984)
Stars Val Kilmer and is crap.

King Arthur (2004)
Directed by someone who couldn’t direct traffic. This stars Clive Owen and is noteworthy only for spawning a short-lived slash fic craze.

Last Action Hero (1993)
A notorious flop that was predicted to be the big ticket for 1993. Ha!

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Bloated, OTT and empty. Also Sadie Frost’s one and only big role.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 1996 Tape Tale

‘Jurassic World’ trailer
Kids, a monorail, aquatic dinosaurs, a hybrid, a 40 foot high wall, Chris Pratt and I’m not sure.

Best Line:
“Something chases you: run.”

‘Elementary 3x03 promo
Gurning.

The Conjuring 2’ delayed until 2016?

Oscar Isaac is to play Apocalypse in ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’.

ITV are doing ‘Jekyll and Hyde’, but BBC1 already did it back in 2007.

‘The Missing’ has turned to crap.

I plan to review ‘The Pyramid’.

Mini beef burgers topped with a roasted vegetable melt on a garlic bread crostini with basil and pesto drizzle - very good.
Chocolate brownie - divine.

‘16 and Pregnant’ Quote:
“Before I get a knife and stab him.”

‘NCIS: LA’ Quotes:
“A fireproof safe under his floor.”

“Commencing shadow mode.”

‘Bad Education’ Quotes:
“How to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark.”

“Don’t tell me. I’ll watch the reconstruction on ‘Crimewatch’.”

“What if ‘The Hunger Games’ came true?”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Jumped up and commenced doing it.”

“Official oppression.”

“Contact and threats.”

“Two court proceedings against them.”

“A false sense of superiority.”

“This woman won’t stop harassing.”

“Harassment that has gone from coast to coast.”

“We conspired with social workers, judges.”

“Crazy assumptions.”

“To change my name and move.”

“So wrong and so adamant that she’s right.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’ TPTB confirmed that Ste is to get HIV. Shrug. Lindsey plans to cheat on Joe with Freddie. WTF is with her historical amnesia? Freddie dumps Lindsey in yet another blatant attempt to manipulate her. Lindsey ignores her newborn son to dwell on Freddie. Sam and Danny’s house is up for sale. Freddie sulks and is jealous of Joe Jnr. Trevor has to bend over to talk to Dennis as he is nearly a foot taller than him. Lindsey is worse than Mandy and her endless whining about her bad dad. Darren returns. Sinead wears hooker shoes and a two inch leather miniskirt to Diane’s hen-do. Teegan screams at Ziggy and weeps. Freddie shoves Grace over a balcony and nobody notices. On her wedding day Diane figures out Tony got Sinead knocked up. Freddie gets away with his crimes, again.

Best Lines:
“He’s done in Mercedes.”
“Says who?”

“You know, when Diane got arrested.”

“My new Vin Diesel look.”

“Gangster wannabe?”

“Wash the smell of baby sick off.”

~
Cleared out a 1996 tape. It began with an ‘Alien Nation’ ep ‘Fifteen With Wanda’ which had unfunny comedy, dated pop culture references, a perv and a guest appearance by Lori Petty. This was bad.

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Syzygy’ which saw Ryan Reynolds killed off in the teaser and two skanky teenage girls weaponize trust, invalidate feelings and engage in severe triangulation. This was dull.

Then came a ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘Messages From Earth’ in which the crew finally start reacting. There are Shadow ships, plot set up, dated SFX, bad acting, a sket and OTT music. There is staring, an EarthGov ship turns up, Delenn war mongers, Lennier snots and there are useless subplots. This was boring and EarthGov declares martial law.

Best Lines:
“There would be unfortunate consequences.”

“It’s awake.”

“Course?”
“Jupiter.”

“With all due respect for your innovative choice of strategy.”

Finally there was another ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘And The Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place’. G’Kar babbles, bizarre alien food is eaten, Londo is awful and religious types show up. Centauri plot with brazen unscrupulousness and this was boring. Even if Londo’s enemy was killed to the tune of a gospel song.
Scary Books

House Of Cards 2x12&2x13 + Stalker 1x03 + The Flash 1x05 Reviewed

Chapter 25
The POTUS’ marriage counselling has come to the attention of the special prosecutor. Walker is finally onto Underwood’s creeping determinism and shuns him. Underwood has done serious damage to Walker’s standing and it goes on. Jackie is disproportional. The pretty and demure Mrs Walker listens to Claire’s poison. More people are onto Underwood as his stealth tactics aren‘t so stealth. Durant has no quaver in joining him. Walker practices exclusionary policies. Tusk blusters.

Doug plays Rachel. Jackie is an ass to disincentive Claire. A travesty of democratic action takes place. Walker is his own worst enemy. The hacker does boring stuff. Remy (Mahershala Ali of ‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1’) lurks. Rachel has to accede to Doug’s demands. Impeachment is brought up. Ill-fitting clothes are worn. Jackie finally realises the extent of the Underwood’s ambition. This was good.

Best Lines:
“This office breeds paranoia.”

“We’re only as strong as the President we serve. We have to rescue him.”

“You are a man without a passport. Whatever assets Beijing hasn’t seized are frozen in every country with close ties to the United States or China.”

“She needs to be gone.”

“Duty doesn’t require thanks.”

“You’ve made a powerful enemy.”

“You and your pills.”

“Lie better than that.”

“You may call them facts.”

“Help us finish it.”

~
Chapter 26
Walker is an outmoded and archaic ass. His pill popping is out. Linda testifies as she and Walker plot against Underwood in an unpragmatic step. It all comes down to Tusk. Jackie leads a charge against Walker. Claire sees consequences. There is not a whisper of the CWI. Tusk swaggers and strikes. The hacker won’t concede. Underwood manages to fool Walker, again. Walker is stupid and an ass. Kern returns. The sly Underwood is a psychopath. The hacker menaces Doug. Rachel finally cracks. There is rescinding and realigning. This was good.

Best Lines:
“He’s lying though his teeth.”

“We spin him as power-hungry and duplicitous.”

“He will replace Walker.”

“I have an out, you don’t.”

“Hubris is giving you delusions of grandeur.”

“He would have been better off in the grave and we would have been better off without him.”

“It elicits fear and respect.”

“Did you offer him something?”

“So we’ll beat him down.”

~
Manhunt
A bride is shot on her wedding day. Her normcore ex is suspected. Jack makes another bad impression. TPTB pander to Jack’s POV. Jack is a stupid, sweaty little git and somehow no-one knows he is Amanda’s discarded ex. A creepy cover of ‘The Breakfast Club’ theme song plays. A nut lurks in a closet. There is bad acting, a twist, gurning, walls of crazy and resentful stalking. This was pretty poor and a waster show. The crazy of the week is ideological. Jack’s ex is a bitch and he stalks her and her toyboy cop lover some more. Are TPTB telling us she is asking for it? Because that is how it is coming across.

Best Lines:
“I was laying it down right.”

“Her father and every cop in LA would come after me.”

“Was that insult accidental or intentional?”

“An underlying psychosis.”

“His rational thinking was thrown off.”

“I don’t want it poisoning my unit.”

“The answer will always be no.”

“You were not even in the top 20.”

~
Plastique
Cisco is a concern troll. Barry whines that he can’t get drunk and that Iris isn’t boning him. Barry needs cognitive reconstruction. Joe cold walls, lies and threatens violence. A menacing General (Clancy Brown of ‘Highlander’ and ‘Earth 2’) shows up. Bette, a metahuman who can blow stuff up, is in need of aid. Barry is an ass and Iris is a dim bulb. Cisco is a dude-bro. Bette and her silly name is befriended. But creepy Wells plays her. Central City isn’t very central as it is on the coast. Barry can walk on water. Barry lies. Snow makes him 500 proof booze. The General and Wells have a history. A flashback to 5 years ago shows Wells having plans for Grodd. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Such a spectacular public failure.”

“Just run really fast.”

“The floor just blew itself up.”

“How the mighty have fallen.”

“We do not want him as an enemy.”

“It will be, when you’re not in it.”

“Vertical suspension.”

“Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.”

“The night the impossible was born.”

“We’re done.”

“Threaten me again and I will end you General. And I am not talking about your career.”

“I’ve figured out your little secret Wells, won’t be long before the public catches on as well.”