November 18th, 2014

Scary Books

Elementary 3x01 + Stalker 1x02 Reviewed

Enough Nemesis To Go Around
Holmes took Joan wanting her own space badly and ran off for 8 months. Joan has her own PI business, a posh apartment and she is caring for Clyde and sporting more hooker shoes. What happened to the bees? This show is still languishing. Joan is all smug defensiveness and stalks a woman (Gina Gershon and her awful cosmetic surgery). This was written by people who had a few too many at a golf club bar. Joan has pathologies and her transitory ardour for Holmes has faded. Holmes returns and is unloving and doesn’t apologise for absconding.

Holmes is an effusive ass. Gregson has an aversion to Holmes’ insouciance. Holmes deserves all the antipathy he gets. MI6 fired him apparently. Holmes seems to have forgotten about the man he was sponsoring. Holmes the dry poser needs to shut up. Bell is disproportionate. Joan meets Kitty, her replacement. Holmes has plans, which don’t seem to involve helping Mycroft. Holmes is pernicious and divisive. Joan is all ignominity and into ho wear. This show creates an uncomfortable disconnect.

Best Lines:
“Her legal dream team added yet another member.”

“I don’t care that you’re back.”

Whatever Happened To Baby James?
Another pestilential stalker shows up. Jack’s ex wife expedites her end by blowing him off for seemingly no reason. A man looks back on his marriage with awful clarity. A stalker is temperamentally capable of empathy. Everyone is all accusement of Jack. There is bad acting and Jack is seemingly persecuted by everyone. He is a sexist and TPTB revolve the show around him and not Beth A perv makes excuses. Jack’s ex wife works in the DA’s office and shows up at the TAU office - but of course she does. Beth’s stalker lurks. TAU totally misread the case at first. A teenage girl is slut shamed and a crazy woman shouts a lot. This show is an international joke. What did Jack do and why does is ex hate him so much? Beth’s stalker ups the ante.

Best Lines:
“It seems too brazen.”

“Is the tree a suspect?”

“We have the wrong victim.”

“Psychotic delusion.”

“I don’t want you to know him Jack.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Elementary’ 3x02 promo

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1’ TV spot
Shut up Gale. Poor Peeta.

‘Horrible Bosses 2’ promo

‘Ghost Castle’ ad
This 80s board game is also known as ‘Which Witch’ and ‘Spook Slot’. Never played it myself, but I kind of want to.

Noel Edmonds Quote:
“I told my friends if I ever said I was getting married again to hit me with a shovel.”

‘The Sunday Telegraph’ Quotes:
But I’d never actually do it. It would be social suicide.”

“If you didn’t have an iphone people my age would think there’s something wrong with you. That’s just how it is. I feel sorry for people who don’t have one, and have a Samsung or something.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“We’ve pulled more plugs than a Dutch doctor.”


“That’s how I bankrupted a pizza hut.”

“Where is it going?”

“Corpse suit.”

“Some fat blob wants to see you.”

“Never stop squirting mayo.”

You want to make American kids work?”

“The thing what ate our chicken.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“My mother violated the restraining order 52 times.”

“Sold it for drug money.”

“The house was burnt down.”

The S Club 7 reunion for BBC’s ‘Children In Need’ was ok. Tina looked desperate, Paul looked fat and Jo has lost her voice and looks like Pat Butcher off ‘Eastenders’.

Chocolate cake - yum.
Hot buttered toast - yum.
Sherry - foul.

‘The Late Late Breakfast Show’ ended in 1986, anyone recall it?

‘Moustache Smash’ is the stupidest looking game.

I won’t review ‘Frozen Charlotte’.

‘Paternity Court’ pretends to have class.

RIP Glen A Larson

‘Being: Mike Tyson’ is bizarre.

Marmots and Snow Leopards are cute on ‘Expedition Tiger’.

10 Movie Reviews

War Horse (2011)
This sap-fest was directed by Steven Spielberg and starred Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. This adaptation of the morose and melancholy play does not work. A farmer ignores the ubiquitous naysayers and sneers to buy a thoroughbred horse at auction. His son loves the horse to the horror of his dowdy, stultifying, mortifying, psychologically unravelling, crass mother. His father is not self-analytical. The son ploughs a field in the rain which is a grovelling low for him.

So much for studied understatement, I felt disconnected, detached and uninterested in this tale of a horse, a boy and ignoramus country folk with hard stares. There is pretty scenery and WW1 breaks out. The farmer sells the horse to the cavalry and the horse becomes the property of an office (Hiddleston). The horse, Joey, heads off the front. The local men head off to war as the villagers cheer them on. The son joins up to get Joey back.

During an ill-advised cavalry charge the officer dies and a posh prat with a moustache (Cumberbatch) is captured. Joey ends up with the vile Hun. An annoying French tween shows up to yell during a bizarre interlude. There is trench warfare. Joey’s horse friend dies. Joey runs through no man’s land - his destiny beyond his control. The sap is ratched up even more. WW1 ends and the horses that survived are to be sold as meat. The boy finally gets his horse back and heads home in a scene lifted straight from ‘Gone With The Wind’. This was dull and the real life Joey did not have such a happy ending.

Best Lines:
“Yes, I’s here.”

“Bugger off you tight bastard.”

“I wouldn’t tell you a lie though I would love to.”

“Good feet and teeth.”

“He’s a horse, not a dog.”

“You’re in the army now son.”

“Pull artillery until they die.”

“He’s my horse.”

“A full practice charge tomorrow.”

“Be brave. Fear God. Honour the King.”

Darkman (1990)

While You Were Sleeping (1995)
A sugar rush of sap.

Look Who’s Talking (1989)
Horrendously 80s.

Talladega Night: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Very funny.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
A one-joke movie.

Volcano (1997)
A combustible non-erudite tale laden with connotations.

Drop Zone (1994)
A sky-diving action movie with Yancey Butler. This was self-aggrandising and misaligned.

The Mask of Zorro (1998)
A dude fights urban poverty with spectacular stupidity.

Never Been Kissed (1999)
A Drew Barrymore rom-com that is proselytising.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: The Mammoth Book of Dark Magic, part 2

The Mammoth Book Of Dark Magic edited by Mike Ashley, part 2

The Rite stuff
A locked room murder mystery set in a magic AU San Francisco full of portentousness and ingrained stoicism. Dull.

Master Of Chaos
A hackneyed dated tale of a barbarian on a quest and a theatrically appalled sorceress. Outmoded in every way.

Seven Drops Of Blood
A new age detective is asked to look for the Holy Grail. This is not cool and subversive as he attempts effective de-escalation techniques. This was like a wet sponge soaked in dish water.

Best Lines:
“He’ll carve out your heart. With his fingernails.”

“He didn't like the sound of that remark.”

To Become A Sorcerer
An overly long tale of an aesthetically sensitive boy and his insular anxieties over his evil father in ancient Egypt. Ok.

No. 252 Rue M. Le Prince
Two hobbledehoys look into a haunted house in Paris’ gilded age. Fervently dull.

Best Line:
“I wish doors wouldn’t slam in houses that have been empty eleven months.”

The Bones of the Earth
A dull tale of ‘Earthsea’.

The Closed Window
An MR James like story. Dull.

Best Line:
“Claudit Et Nemo Aperit.”

A spoilt pampered witch whines about her lot. Boring.

In The Realm of Dragons
By Esther M Friesner. A boy who is overly close to his uncle looks for his killers. This was not inventive.

Best Line:
“She made it mean things.”

By Tim Lebbon. A solider tries to escape the mages he serves. Derivative.

The Wizard of Ashes and Rain
A girl has to save her sister as a high fantasy plays out in modern day San Francisco, but her martyr mother doesn’t make it easy. Ok.

Best Line:
“Why won’t any of you do anything? Why won’t any of you even try?”

The Walker Behind
A mage who has to pretend to be a man fights evil. Dull.

The Last Witch
A little girl is a witch. This is okay even if it is kind of sexist.

Best Line:
“It was like being confronted by a life-size Barbie in kill mode.”

Last Rites
A tale of a monastery of evil magicians. This was dark and excellent.

Best Line:
“Don’t say it. Not in jest, not in heat, not under any circumstances”

The Eternal Altercation
A man hops on a train and nothing of note takes place. Awful.
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