November 16th, 2014

Scary Books

Movies I dislike

Hocus Pocus (1993)
This is a terrible film.

Evolution (2000)
Poor David Duchovny and his terrible movies.

John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars (2001)

House of Flying Daggers (2004)
Utterly boring.

Trailers, Quotes and a 2002 Tape Tale

‘Insurgent’ trailer
Ruins, Tris has a bad haircut and there is obvious CGI. This looks ridiculous.

‘The Poughkeepsie Tapes’ (2007) trailer
A mockumentary about a serial killer with yelling that looks cheap.

‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’ trailer
Why is Thor scruffy? Hawkeye broods and Ultron is voiced by James Spader. Thor is shirtless and why does the robot have a mouth?

Best Lines:
“There is only one path to peace. Your extinction.”

“The whole world screaming for mercy.”

‘Stalker’ 1x02 promo
Maybe it’ll improve.

They’re rebooting the failed 2007 ‘Babylon Fields’ pilot with Skeet Ulrich? Yay!

Continuum’ has been cancelled! YAY!

Daniel Bruhl is the villain in ‘Captain America: Civil War’.

The ‘tiger’ in Ferrieres-En-Brie is a silly season story.

WTF is the ‘Cobra Attack’ game?
‘Aqua Dragons’ just look sad.
‘Zoomer Dino’ - WTF?
Anyone else recall the ‘Ghost Castle’ game?

M&S taco - yum.
Milk chocolate - yum.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Blow on it.”

“Bad things happened.”

‘Faith In The Future’ Quotes:
“You’re back.”
“Mum, why didn’t you tell me you’d moved?”

“Your stomach will look like a filleted haddock.”

“Killer underwear.”

‘The Lady In The Tower: The Fall of Anne Boleyn’ Quotes:
“The writing was on the wall and Anne had known it for some time.”

“So long in thrall to this woman he had ill-advisedly married, and who had so grievously failed him.”

‘Psych’ Quotes:
“Feel free to emote now.”

“May I please be having speaks?”

“50 shades of grey matter.”

“People with sub par credit.”

“Not Leo, that’s who Chuck is.”

“Drive yourself Ma! Drive yourself!”


On ‘Neighbours’: Rain lurks like a cult leader. Amber has a hostile response to her. Daniel has unresolved feelings for Rain and looks blankly at people. Karl continues to do raucous omni-bellows about his and Susan’s sex life. Toadie is perennially incandescent and Sonya is misused. I am uncomprehending about the point of Brennan.

Cleared out a 2002 tape. It began with the season 2 ‘Roswell’ cliff-hanger ep ‘Departure’ in which the alien teens plan to depart. Shiri Appleby, Jason Behr, Katherine Heigl, Majandra Delfino, Brendan Fehr, Colin Hanks, Nick Wechsler, Emilie De Ravin and William Sadler star. It is amazing who is still working and who isn’t. This show had nice opening credits. Maria wears her ridiculous waitress uniform. The idiot Liz/Max/Tess love triangle drags on. Liz and Max whisper at each other. There is silly CGI. Tess has no recourse but to leave after her murder of Alex (Hanks) is revealed. Cue man tears, bad acting, jeeping and yelling. This was crap.

Best Lines:
“I saved myself for you!”

“That stupid bitch!”

Then came a ‘The Pretender’ ep ‘Unsinkable’ in which Jarod broods, there is a Pope joke and Miss Parker has a boyfriend (Jason Brooks). I don’t care.

Best Line:
“A vial of mind altering crap.

Finally there was the 2000 film ‘Cherry Falls’ in which the eponymous small town sees mumbling teenage virgins hacked up by a serial killer in this horribly recut and badly edited movie. The characters are awful people and the killer is so obviously that guy from the short-lived show ‘Action’. This movie has a creepy sexual vibe to it. There are faxes, fights, a sex party and sinister skulking by the scraggly killer. This is not gritty unhinged recrimination and revenge but maybe that is because the film is so badly cut. It is averred that old sins cast long shadows and so internalised rage erupts. The ubiquitous killer-comes-back-to-life-for-one-last-scare scene is hilarious. As is the cross dressing lipstick wearing serial killer screaming, waving an axe and crashing a sex party while never once displacing the polyester wig that is said killer’s paper thin ‘disguise’. The killer is full of derision, calumny and hatred for the moral degenerates pretending to be good. The climax of the gravid, crazy loon interrupting the orgy should have been better. This was truly inept and ridiculous and has no motif or subtext. Brittany Murphy (final girl), Michael Biehn (bad dad), Jay Mohr (killer), DJ Qualls and Gabriel Mann (boyfriend) star.

Best Lines:
“How can you be so critically uninformed?”

“What is wrong with you people?”

“Singularly constructive.”

“It’s better than a pile of dead teenagers.”


“I can’t lock my daughter up in a basement.”

“We’re talking hymen holocaust here.”

“All we need is floor space.”
“Didn’t you want your first time to be something beautiful, something romantic?”

“You can not leave saving his life up to that slut Sharon!”

“Why are you wearing lipstick?”
“Cos it makes me pretty.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: The Mammoth Book of Dark Magic, part 1

The Mammoth Book of Dark Magic edited by Mike Ashley, part 1
This is a reprint of the 2004 anthology ‘The Mammoth Book of Sorcerer’s Tales’.

Ten Things I Know About The Wizard
A man unwisely dates a woman who is defiantly opposed to her wizard father. An unprepossessing tale.

Villaggio Sogno
Two girls venture far. There is nothing new here and this has an over-focus on weird and musty shadows over plot.

The Game Of Magical Death
A hilariously dated tale in which a boy buys a text based computer game on disk via mail order to play on his IBM. This was okay and has a twist.

The Infestation
A low level hapless wizard has to deal with a Lovecraftian horror and his own apprehension. Good.

The Witch’s Bicycle
By Tim Pratt. A very wicked witch and her unreconstructed attitude manipulates three teenagers. The witch is a less fastidious and less tasteful prototype of Marla Mason. This was extremely dull.

The Saga of Theare
A dull tale written in a style as thick as treacle.

A magic clock smith brings magic into lives. Good.

The Double Shadow
An over-written tale in which two wizards make a big mistake. Okay.
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The Blacklist 2x07 + Reign 1x16 Reviewed

The Scimitar (no. 22)
Liz yells at Tom in tortured frustration. She doesn’t get a positive response. Red orates like an off-the-peg Hemingway. A hitman heads to the US and this is a man who once aerated a man’s carotid with a fork. Ressler is disingenuous. Liz is corrupt and I doubt that’ll ever occur to her - most things don’t. Liz falls for an old trick. Red makes a move. Exploitation, need and morality as social constructions should be themes but aren’t. Still this was good but has lost the initial impact and intrigue of season 1. There is a big twist regarding the woman Red has been looking for.

Best Lines:
“Chained to the floor.”

“He’s falling from a 12 storey balcony.”

“A tragic and frankly mysterious misunderstanding.”

“Zebra mussels!”

“How you know this?”

“He doesn’t exist.”

“You tell me what’s in the syringe or I will stick it in you and find out for myself.”

“Keep your plumping covered.”

“She’s yours.”

Henri is facetious, deplorable, dreadful and nonchalantly abhorrent. Francis and his Johnny Foreigner hair has no social talent. There is the Queen of the Bean party which is ‘won’ by a kitchen maid named Penelope. Catherine plans to deal with the bimbo cargo but finds herself outwitted by the slut. Bash returns. Francis is imbecilic and simultaneously an offensive dim toff. Penelope plans to join the rarefied social elite on a more permanent basis. There is reconciliation. I am unimpressed by everything Mary does. Nobody uses formal grammar. Greer is erroneous and is repudiated by her intended. Francis and Bash try to end the dastardly crimes of the very human Darkness. There are new engagements arranged in haste to avoid disgrace. Henri forces Bash and Kenna to wed at sword point. Kenna whines. Surely the marriage wouldn’t be valid as it was conducted at sword point? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“A creature from hell.”

“The Bean Queen.”

“Should I feign surprise?”

“He has seven tasters.”

“You stupid kitchen whore.”