November 6th, 2014

Scary Books

Wiseguy (1987 - 1990) 1x19 + The Flash 1x02 + The Missing (2014) 1x02 + Legends 1x08 Reviewed

Blood Dance
Mel is offered a deal with a Caribbean island in this episode directed by Kim Manners. There is an awkward meeting during which raw meat is eaten and a coup is plotted. Susan wears lots of jewellery and Mel rants about hypnosis, a spirit cult and the devil. Mel is entirely irrational and is being destroyed mentally. Roger and Vinnie have callousness and a gross lack of empathy. Vinnie finds his job a violating experience as he realises Roger is a CIA plant.

Mel rants about toes and this episode is ridiculous. Mel yells, gets a tattoo and there is loathing all round. Mel’s ‘soul crystal’ is stolen and without his power object his personality disintegrates. Roger and the CIA are done with Mel. It seems the whole Profitt arc was just leading up to the reveal of a CIA conspiracy. Roger is self congratulatory and smug. Mel has emotional needs, defensive condescension, self superior gloating and attention ploys.

Vinnie realises too late he is the victim of misinformation flaunting. There is a dead goat, a bad knife fight and there is no sane logical adult reasoning. This episode is like a narcissistic parody of the genre and it is filled with bad acting. Roger shows what an ass he is by smashing the ‘soul crystal’ in slow motion. Susan kills Mel at his insistence. The CIA wanted to gain control of the island all along. Susan gives Mel a Viking funeral. This was ridiculous, she would end up in the loony bin and the CIA would steal the Profitt company. After some good stuff, Mel Profitt goes out in ridiculous fashion.

Best Lines:
“Before my face is stuck to a voodoo doll!”

“I am a sane man!”

“We export sugar cane now.”

“Eventually they get rid of him.”

“I need 100 million dollars.”

“Global hatred.”

“Thanks for your help, I mean it sincerely.”

“Innocent? She’s a communist!”

“This is weird.”

“You had us kill him.”

“Shouldn’t you be out breaking somebody’s legs?”

“Smoke cigarettes after choir practice.”

“I can see the abyss.”

“Nothing’s forever...we always knew.”

“Who are these people?”

“Every tyrant has a hungry right hand.”

Fastest Man Alive
The Reverse-Flash killed Barry’s mother. But why? Barry smugs, Cisco is a snot and Snow is a joy killer. A scene from ‘Watchmen’ is ripped off. Barry steals and lies. There are flashbacks to little Barry (who can’t act) and how nobody would listen to him. Barry is the only CSI in Central City. Simon Stagg (William Sadler of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’) shows up to be evil. Eddie is attractive, Iris is oblivious and Snow whines. Joe nags and will this show get to doing ‘Crisis on Infinite Earths’ already?

Wells (Tom Cavanagh of ‘The Following’) smirks menacingly and is ambiguously evil. Joe is an ass. There is bad acting and the bad guy is a rip off of something out of ‘XMen: The Last Stand’. Iris can’t do her own college course work. Wells intervenes a lot. Cisco makes moron jokes. There is an overload of sap in this ep. Barry is nick named The Red Streak which sounds like a nasty UTI. Wells kills someone. Apart from the Wells scenes, this episode utterly and miserably failed.

Best Lines:
“People are going to die in there.”
“I know.”

“Her own spectacularly angry way.”

“Did Barry run away again?”

“Journalism is boring. I’m bored.”

“In science, we share.”

“He is missed.”

“I am an army!”

“An armed gunman is shooting up Stagg Industries.”

“The lightening man killed my mom!”

“Harrison. Don’t get up.”

“He’s just standing there.”

“He is called The Flash or at least, he will be one day.”

“I worry that you will think this is personal, it’s not.”

Pray For Me
This BBC1 drama centres on how young Oliver vanished in France in 2006 and how his family suffer the consequences in the present day. Drunk, divorced and friendless Tony (James Nesbitt of ‘Jekyll') obsessively searches for evidence with retired cop Baptiste. He’s regarded as mad by everyone. His ex wife Emily married Mark (Jason Flemyng) who was their police liaison officer in 2006 and dotes on her stepson. She also wears a bad wig in the present.

In 2006, a local perv named Bourg was suspected. A construction magnate named Ian put up a reward. A journalist named Suri aggravated things and a cop named Ziane (Said Taghmaoui of 'Vantage Point', Lost' and ‘GI Joe: Rise of Cobra’) had secrets. In the present, Tony wants to uncover the grotesque and terrible truth because it seems he was under suspicion. This was okay but full of coves. Nobody has any bonhomie for Tony. Will he be efficacious and learn the truth?

Best Lines:
“Am I going mad?”

“You pay now.”

“Oliver’s not here anymore.”

The higher ups presuppose guilt. Martin tries to free an innocent woman from a set up. Crystal sulks. There is a cover up and oil rights are more important then the truth. DCO are on the line. Maggie uncovers that Martin’s entire life seems to be fabricated. Martin is in peril as are his family. This was dull. Who sold Martin out? Why is there a necessity to hide his real past?

Best Lines:
“I’m pissed off Nelson.”

“It tends to invalidate my credibility as a journalist.”

“I won’t let you burn for this.”

“This is the kind of story that ends governments.”

Trailers, Quotes and a 2004 Tape Tale

‘Agents of SHIELD’ 2x07 promo
Coulson tried to hand an abuse victim over to his abuser. Screw Coulson and his emotional impotence.

‘Home and Away: The Murder’ promo
Anyone else miss the days of Roo getting knocked up and lying about the father?

‘Arrow’ 3x02 promo

Best Line:
“Suffering is optional.”

‘Hollyoaks’ train crash promo
This promo is better than the show has been lately with Ste off to rehab after nearly poisoning John-Paul with drain cleaner, Carmel vanishing and Cindy freaking out again.

'Atlantis’ series 3 promo

Natural aloe vera drink -ugh.
Pomegranate aloe vera drink - ok.
Mango aloe vera drink - ok.
Peach aloe vera drink - divine.
Raspberry aloe vera drink - nasty.
Sour cream and Black Pepper popcorn - ok.
Steak, eggs and onion - yum.

I read ‘Agents of SHIELD’ spoilers - mmmm.

I am reading ‘The Falcon Throne’.

Are Living going to make ‘The Last Witch’ and ‘The Psychopath Next Door’ into series’ or not?

‘Agents of SHIELD’ Quote:
“Do not give him one inch.”

‘The Falcon Throne’ Quotes:
“I dismissed them as the rotten fruit of jealousy.”

“Mad old men and their ramblings. Throw a stone into any crowd and you’d likely strike at least three.”

“Harald is a cur-dog who sits upon a stolen throne.”

‘Rubenesque’ Quotes:
“The right one’s titanium.”

“They’re all beered up and mental.”

“Wee shag and a takeaway?”

“The full strumpet.”

‘Awkward’ Quote:
“What is with the hooker shoes?”

‘Sherlock’ Quotes:
“Are you wearing any pants?”

“Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on.”

“Have you been wicked your highness?”

On ‘Neighbours’: smug Paige continues being selfish and marriage wrecking. Brad takes no responsibility. Chris tells Josh to take his atonement and shove it. Lauren has forgotten that Amber is her daughter. Amber whines, won’t go to a laundrette and is attacked. Brad isn’t reconciliatory and will never be accused of charisma. Paige has no moral imperative and should just piss off back to adoptive family. Imogen shouts. Brad, Lauren and Paige pull more crap. Terese reads Lauren’s diary and learns Lauren does want Brad after all. And Brad wants Lauren, Brad is a stupid man-slut.

Best Lines:
“Do well at school and you too can live in a car.”

“Doesn’t it get to you? Your wife? My husband?”

Cleared out a tape from 2004. It began with a ‘Charmed’ ep ‘A Wrong Day’s Journey Into Right’ in which Phoebe sits on her ass whining about being stripped of her powers. Leo wears plaid. Paige conjures herself a sex toy. Chris bores and a badly acted illogical plot takes place. This was crap.

Then there was a ‘Maximum Bob’ ep ‘Good Dog Karl’ in which identical twin rednecks yell and one wonders what became of Liz Vassey, Sam Robards and Kiersten Warren. A dog lurks. Various weirdoes run around Deepwater including the local cryptid. This was dull.

Best Line:
“You gotta excuse Dirk and Bogart; sometimes they stay up too late watching that satellite dish TV.”

Then there was the movie ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ which opens with a foul prologue. I recall the old show ‘Freddy’s Nightmares’. Lori (Monica Keena), Gibbs (Katharine Isabelle of ‘Hannibal’) and Kiki (Kelly Rowland) sit around talking like teenage girls don’t talk. Then Jason shows up and kills Gibbs’ abusive boyfriend Trey in semi-hilarious fashion. A cop with tombstone teeth (Lochlyn Monro) shows up. There is a conspiracy on Elm Street to cover up Freddy. Lori has endless dream sequences that show off her huge breast implants. Will (Jason Ritter) escapes from the nut house. A rave in a cornfield is crashed by Jason who is on fire. Quips are uttered. Slack jawed idiot victims die and sexual violence is threatened. There is screaming and rain. This was almost as bad as the rancid ‘Idle Hands’. Jason and Freddy (Robert Englund) fight and fight and fight. Kyle Labine shows up. You know what this film needed? Pinhead. I really didn’t like this.

Best Lines:
“You kids need some assistance?”
“What the f##k do you think?!?!”


“You trying to compensate for something?”
Scary Books

Book Review: Zomburbia

Zomburbia by Adam Gallardo
This is a post zombie apocalypse novel. Courtney Hart is a voraciously cynical high school student/drug dealer in a podunk town. Zombies rose years ago but people have adapted to live with them. Zombies aren’t supposed to be an imposition but they are getting faster and smarter. In between wondering about why that is Courtney deals with her frenemy and her idiot boyfriend. Her initial defiant tone takes on a more pragmatic conciliatory touch as a series of sick and twisted events take place. This was good with interesting world building and I will read the sequel ‘Zombified’.

Best Lines:
“If you see her, tell her it’d be great for her to put in an appearance around here. The lawn needs mowing.”

“You almost looked happy.”

“One minute I was Miley Cyrus after a bender.”

“The world of makeup tutorial videos is apparently a serious business.”

“Asked him how he felt being as evil as Hitler and Lord Voldermot combined."
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