October 28th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Resurrection’ promo
Resurgam - I will rise again. No.

‘Horns’ TV spot
No.

‘Intruders’ 1x03 promo
No.

‘Hotel Tycoon’ ad
This board game is totally redesigned from the 90s original.

Lemon Tart - yum.
Chocolate Tart - yum.
Pomegranate - okay.
Cucumber, feta cheese and olives with a basil and mint oil dressing - yum.
Coconut, lemongrass & kaffir lime chicken escalopes - yum.

Anyone else recall ‘Duckman’?

I may review ‘Shame’ and ‘Abduction’.

Three actors from ‘Bloodbath At The House Of Death’ passed in 2013. They were Pat Ashton who played the loudmouth barmaid, Graham Stark who played the blind man and John Fortune who played the ghosthunter who got stabbed to death by a murderous teddy bear.

Paul Tobin Quote:
“Doors are scary aren’t they? There’s always something on the other side.”

Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ season 8 Quotes:
“The morons chaos inevitably employs.”

“Oh God! Nobody cares about your wrath!”

“All come back, Billy, but he couldn’t come back because he was dead, so now she was stuck with fat Lee, and that was not what she signed on for, believe me.”

“Uh, cough. Noise of cough.”

‘Sleeping With The Family’ Quotes:
“She dresses like a floozy.”

“I don’t really do rules, period.”

“She’s bringing you down.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“She’s displaced her responsibility.”

“Doritos, everything, all over the place.”

“Boo!”

“Nobody knows my story.”

“Brian paid him off!”

“Did that happen?”
“No!”

“People are coming at me from all angles.”

“Put him in a depression.”

“He’s talking Brian. Shut your mouth for once.”

“You’ve been charged with manslaughter twice.”

“Really listen to me right now.”

“You’re making no sense.”

“That’s a ticket to hell.”

“No threats on my Facebook.”

“You have no soul, you have no heart.”
Scary Books

Agents of SHIELD 2x04 +Intruders (2014) 1x01&1x02 Reviewed

Face My Enemy
May goes on about how she’s not like other women with their dancing, laughing, smiling and FM shoes. Coulson fancies May. The duo plan to steal a painting. Talbot lurks or does he? The SHIELD gang are all unbrindled vileness and don’t get why people are intolerant of them choosing street-brawling as a vocation. Coulson can’t take his status-reduction and has oppositional ideologies. Skye shows off her top and bottom decks of teeth. The alien writing could just be graffiti from some public lavatory. This episode was full of nothing.

Coulson is not being a good taxpayer and trouble mongers. Agent 33 pretends to be May. Fitz whines and gripes. Nobody from Hydra is apprehended. There is an endless fight scene and Fitz does more mumbling recitations. Trip is wallpaper. Coulson reiterates more lies and smugness. I hope Talbot captures Coulson soon. Why is everyone so uncritical of Coulson? Dr Whitehall menaces.

Best Lines:
“Why is it always laser grids?”

“She was a demonic hell beast.”

“The psycho living in our basement.”

“Hard choices are coming.”

“I can find you wherever you are.”

~
She Was Provisional
Immortals, possession, reincarnation, animal abuse and James Frain and John Simm doing dodgy American accents feature in this terrible miniseries. Jack (Simm) mopes when his wife Amy (Mira Sorvino) vanishes and his FBI pal lurks. A bad child actress runs away from home after acting out. A weirdo (Frain) menaces and kills people whilst abetting bad things. This was based on a novel I have no interest in reading. This deserves to be unremembered.

Best Lines:
“When they come knocking at your door.”

“We need to talk.”
“No we don’t.”

~
And There...You Must Listen
The weirdo menaces the missing girl’s oblivious parents. The bad child actress does more badly acted badness. Jack bores. Even John Simm and James Frain can’t keep my interest. This was boring and has an impenetrable plot.

Best Lines:
“Even if you find Amy, she’s gone.”

“In the beginning there was death.”
Cat

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 10 Issue #8 Reviewed

Return To Sunnydale, part 1
The Vampyr book has been stolen - Buffy suddenly cares and unleashes derision. Xander continues to unrepentantly bully Dawn into loving him again. Buffy finally recalls all the bad stuff Andrew did. Then she, Willow and Spike head back to Sunnydale in a state of profound irritation. A monster looms and idiots party over the ruins of Sunnydale. Warren shows up, the unavoidable fight takes place and nobody notices Andrew flouncing off. Enough with the Spike/Buffy pairing. Andrew has a manifestly ill-founded plan. This was good but what happened to the slayer army and body armour from season 8?

Best Lines:
“You off-brand Cthulhu.”

“Xander, you’re the only one with an actual job.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: The Beguiled + Ghost

The Beguiled (1971)
This gothic western horror is overlooked in Clint Eastwood’s oeuvre. During the American civil war, a wounded union solider (Eastwood) ends up taking refuge in a girls’ school in the confederacy. Cue bizarre voiceovers, mournful women and unending misery.

The arrival of this ‘mancandy’ in their put-upon exhausted lives arouses passions as the women fight over their pet thug. This leads to yelling, a sepia patina, depraved and rueful women and the solider makes the combustible situation worse.  There is scheming, counter-intuitive carry on, social upheaval, displacement, diminished lives, reinvention, un-felicitous girls done a disservice and this was dubious, rather irritating and intrinsically boring.

There is no ‘serious acting’ nor is it dark and troubled instead we get bulging eyed hectoring girls who spend a lot of time brooding on rooftops. The solider obfuscates truth and is coolly cerebral as he utters cosmic mumbling. When he finally slips up things get gruesome. Is it just revenge or just witless, abysmal and misbegotten.

Best Lines:
“You beast.”

“That smoke’s sure getting awful close.”

“The war is sounding so close.”

“It’s some time since the corporal had a bath.”
“I noticed.”

“A hussy is a hussy.”

“I should have let you die screaming.”

~
Ghost (1990)
Molly (Demi Moore) and Sam (Patrick Swayze) are a yuppie couple, he is a banker of some sort and she is an artist. They have their happiness scuppered when Sam dies. This is a wannabe frothy confection with vanishing pottery clay, dated SFX and outdated technology.

Sam and Molly’s ‘friend’ Carl (Tony Goldwyn of ‘Traces of Red’ and ‘Divergent’) is hot and evil. Sam is just a gurning dishrag. This has way too much overacting and wince-making sap. Sam wants to learn ghost-powers so he can beat up a member of the underclass and Carl. A medium, Oda Mae (Whoopi Goldberg), shows up to be incantatory and provide much unfunny comedy.

Carl is laundering money for drug dealers or something and wants Molly. Sam has a cunning plan to foil Carl. The supernatural proof Molly has to be convinced to let Oda Mae help her. The bad guys go crazy and die of their own incompetence and get dragged off to hell by demons. Sam heads off to heaven and this was absolutely awful. I think this was made into a flop musical.

Best Lines:
“You were never our friend.”

“You lying snake.”

“You’re going to be fertilizer.”
Scary Books

Book Review: The Mammoth Book Of Best New Horror 25th Anniversary Edition, part 1

The Mammoth Book Of Best New Horror 25th Anniversary Edition edited by Stephen Jones, part 1
The 21st sucked as did the 23rd and 24th, the 22nd was good though. After the usual ranting introduction come the stories.

Who Dares Wins: Anno Dracula 1980
By Kim Newman, this is a vampire AU twist on the famous Iranian embassy siege. This was good but we really don’t want a 5th ‘Anno Dracula’ novel.

Best Lines:
“She’s spotted Paxman, drifting incorporeally in mist-form through the crowds.”

“People like you, people like me, get shoved into locked boxes.”

Click-clack the Rattlebag
By Neil Gaiman. A good cheesy little tale about storytelling.

Dead End
A man and his mistress (?) are on holiday. He is distraught and dissociated. This predictable tale lurches toward its ending quickly.

Isaac’s Room
A good tale of loss, revenge fantasies and soul-killing alienation at a college.

The Burning Circus
A wronged woman takes revenge. Okay.

Holes For Faces
A little boy on holiday in Italy with his parents sees something. His unresponsive mother derides everything. Iffy.

By Night He Could Not See
A toe rag criminal realises someone is out to get him like they got his gang. Okay.

Come Into My Parlour
A boy is troubled by his fey aunt who lacks all graciousness. Okay.

The Middle Park
A couple try to find the end of a rainbow. Oops. This was obvious.

Into The Water
Floods herald the rise of something. This mythos tale was excellent.

Best Line:
“Do you have a god? Pray for its mercy.”

The Burned House
An old woman investigates the creepy house near-by and dies of self-neglect. Dull.

What Do We Talk About When We Talk About Z -
A useless zombie story.

Fishfly Season
A woman moves into a Stepford like community and has a nervous breakdown or something. Bad.

Doll Re Mi
By Tanith Lee. A psychopathic musician is determined to dominate a new instrument. This was good, creepy and decadent.

A Night’s Work
By Clive Barker. A very short tale about dreaming. Okay.

The Sixteenth Step
A battered wife finds help in a mysterious B&B. Very good.

Stemming The Tide
Zombies and a decaying relationship. Okay.

The Gist
A man is hired to translate a book but he really should have wondered about what it was he was translating. Very good.