October 12th, 2014

To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: Johnny English Reborn (2011)

Rowan Atkinson is back in the sequel nobody asked for! His love interest from the 1st one has vanished but he gets a new one in a shrink (Rosamund Pike of ‘Gone Girl’). Johnny is back to confound his boss (Gillian Anderson of ‘The X Files’, ‘The Fall’ and ‘Hannibal’) and her bad English accent. He fights a martial arts expert, has a rivalry with MI7 star spy Simon and Burn Gorman of ‘Torchwood’ pops up as a baddie’s sidekick. This film is myopic, disconnected and full of un-reason. There is a threatened assassination, a chase around Hong Kong, Johnny beats up his boss’ mother, searches for a bit of metal, overlooks the screamingly obvious baddie, is subjected to a mind control drug, drives around a product placed Rolls Royce and hops around inside a body bag. Johnny’s continual stupidity is dispensable, the climax is ridiculous, there is bad CGI, dumbness and this was moronic.

Best Lines:
“Am I ready?”

“Great to see what’s left of you.”

“Goes like the wind, only quieter.”

“Anyone seen the voice changing travel lozenges?”

“She’s dead that’s how sick she is.”

“Clearly you got the name off of a box of washing powder.

“Rich. Very rich.”

“That’s what I call dedication.”

“He thinks you’re a moron.”

“Let’s kick some bottom.”

“Let me not die in the hands of the Swiss.”

“The killer cleaner.”

“You five star turd!”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

Mercy’ trailer
This is an adaptation of Stephen King’s Lovecraftian short story ‘Gramma’. This looks creepy but sadly talent void Dylan McDermott is in it.

Best Lines:
“That’s a conjuring book.”

“Something dark and evil.”

“Death’s coming.”

‘Doctor Who’ 8x09 promo
Looks good.

‘The Blacklist’ 2x02 promo

‘Forever’ 1x03 promo
Will Henry put a shirt on? And why is he greased up like a baking tray?

‘Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart’ trailer

‘Wanderlust’ promo

I am reading ‘Not A Drop To Drink’.

I won’t read ‘Allegiant’, ‘The Knight’ or ‘Angel & Faith Issue #7’.

I will review ‘The Emperor’s Blades’, ‘Raising Steam’, ‘Open Grave’ and ‘House of Cards’ season 2.

So in 2000, there was a failed US pilot version starring Eric Thal of the 1998 Channel 4 vampire drama ‘Ultraviolet’.

‘The Walking Dead’ got a 6th season?!

‘Impractical Jokers’ is just the worst TV show ever.

The ‘Spiderman’ movies are being rebooted again?

Its 20 years since ‘Space Precinct’ aired?!?

Saw a good headline on Sky News: Kim Jong gone?

‘Under The Dome’ has been renewed again, how?

Bloody ‘Smallville’ was ruined by Lois and her face full of fillers, Clark and Green Arrow being unable or unwilling to act, the ever present Lana, bad CGI, cheese and way too much Chloe.

Best Line:
“What’s redneck for bite me?”

Strawberry Cheesecake Choc - okay.
Pearl Barley, Sunblushed cherry tomatoes & Mozzarella in a basil dressing - okay.
Vintage Cheddar & Onion Chutney crisps - okay.
Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups - nice.
Pringles Original - good.

‘Raising Steam’ Quotes:
“It’s just a case of remembering their names and refraining from kicking them. They can be extremely helpful if unkicked, although not necessarily likable.”

“He had a reputation to live down.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Ha ha I won.”

“The definition of evil.”

“Very classy.”

‘Suburgatory’ Quote:
“Just because we do sub-secretarial work doesn’t mean we’re subhuman.”

‘16 & Pregnant’ Quotes:
“The internet high school.”

“My dad’s not too happy about it either.”

‘Victorious’ Quotes:
“My favourite toy was a hammer.”

“Their mothers chased me into an alley and beat me with sticks.”

“His special medicine.”

On ‘Neighbours’: Chris has woken up. Josh blubbers. Toadfish won’t represent Josh and then he will. Brad is useless. Naomi still wants Toadfish and his waistcoat. Naomi wears too much makeup and has got her job with Toadfish back. Someone points out to Amber that Daniel is thick. Josh decides to sell his swimming trophies, remember when he was supposed to compete in the Commonwealth Games? Matt puts his foot down over the Amber/Daniel marriage.
Scary Books

Book Review: Maplecroft

Maplecroft by Cherie Priest
An epistolary novel that tells of Lizzie Borden, a pariah in Fall River, Massachusetts after being acquitted of the double murder of her father and stepmother. Lizzie has secrets. She did kill her father and stepmother but only because they weren’t human anymore. And now the malevolence is spreading and Lizzie is waiting for it with her axe. This is a very good Lovecraftian horror mixed with American folktale. It is told via letters and journals by the wary Lizzie, her annoying sister Emma, Lizzie’s useless lover Nance, the friendly doctor Owen and the mysterious Wolf. Will there be a sequel? I hope so.

Best Lines:
“Something that came from the sea, and ought to have stayed there.”

“This time they cannot blame any strangeness on my sister.”

“They do not know how afraid they ought to be.”

“It looked so very human, until it smiled at me.”

“Woman of dubious moral fiber.”

“The day may come when they realize what we are, and what we do.”
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Scary Books

Doctor Who 8x08 + Forever (2014-2015) 1x02 + Last Ship 1x05 + The Blacklist 2x02 + Reign Reviewed

Mummy On The Orient Express
There is death on the Orient Express in space. The whining bint Clara rejoins the Doctor for one last adventure. This starts out nicely eerie but Clara acts exhilaratingly awful. The Doctor ponders supernatural infiltration. Clara is just viscerally awful whilst ruminating on stuff. The Doctor inveigles. Everyone dresses like it is the 1920s for some reason. I could have sworn the voice of the Orient Express computer was Tim Curry but it wasn’t. Passengers talk about the legendary Foretold which if you see it means you have 66 seconds to live. This was good except for being reductive every time Clara runs her mouth and whines irrespectively. The Doctor figures out that everything is orchestrated and also figures out what The Foretold is. There are twists, death, a revelation and Clara decides to stay being a companion. But who was behind it all? This was okay but Clara has a complete lack of participation in anything.

Best Lines:
“Mummy monster thing.”

“I’m very disappointed with your breakfast bar.

“Can we get a new expert?”

“And the façade falls away.”

“He knows what you are.”

Look Before You Leap
A hysterical woman goes off a bridge. Henry’s voiceover drags on. Henry claims bridge woman was murdered. There are flashbacks to 1945 and baby Abe and Henry romancing Cool Girl Abigail. In the ‘present’, Henry really is a dick, dies again, looks into a codex, a married professor shags around and this is just a bog standard police procedural. Henry and Jo are contentious. Stalker dude calls again claiming to have been after Henry for a long time. But Henry still finds time to solve the case in-between some ridiculous yelling. Stalker dude calls himself Adam and claims to be 2000 years old. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“Something I can’t unknow.”

“That word gets abused in our culture.”

“My name? I’ve had a few.”

El Toro
Costa Rica is out, so the USS Nathan James heads to Nicaragua for monkeys. They’re in the jungle looking for monkeys and things jump out from behind other things. This ep was formulaic and nonsensical. Despondent infected types lurk pitifully. A wrecked yacht signals trouble but no-one pays attention until they stumble across inelegant types with guns. The yacht’s owner is a drug dealer turned tin-pot dictator. The plot falters and is full of anti-logic. Tex romances Rachel. The excruciatingly annoying drug dealer turned dictator needs shooting. The XO pulls a Kirk and this has no substance. The utterly loathsome and unlikeable dictator is finally killed off. Yawn.

Best Lines:
“What we’ll be coming back to.”

“Your impotent threats.”

“This cannot stand.”

“We came to hunt.”

Monarch Douglas Bank (no. 112)
Remember that politician framed for the murder of a male escort back in season 1’s ‘The Kingmaker’? What became of him? Berlin menaces Naomi. Red’s daughter was in protective custody until she was lost track of. The bank nobody would ever want to rob is robbed, or is it? Liz and Ressler go to Warsaw. The Mossad agent lurks. Better questions need to be asked. People mutter about The Formula. Berlin’s money was in the bank and he growls. There is a twist and then another. Liz berates Ressler and spreads discomfort. The plot is incomprehensible and this ep was a mon-chrome soap opera. Where is Alan Alda’s character? Why is Berlin so underwhelming in the flesh? Why do women have no agency? Is there someone worse out there than Berlin? Red is playing everyone, again. This bored.

Best Lines:
“Then things got contentious.”

“Five went in, six came out.”

“Yeah, big boom.”

“Enough with the pointing.”

“Spent her entire life chasing something that destroyed her.”

“That’s the sound of your cheques bouncing.”

“I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not, not yet.”

“I don’t have any friends.”

Royal Blood
The girl lurking in the passages is Clarissa, Catherine’s bastard lovechild. Bash tries to protect his two young half-brothers, their sister Margot does not seem to exist in this show. Mary has no camaraderie and is full of self-martyrdom. Clarissa kills a slutty maid. Nostradamus seems to have walked off being stabbed. Catherine is acrimonious. I’m disillusioned with this show. Mary is a presumptuous and stupid fiduciary cow. A Lady In Waiting boffs Francis. Catherine shows her distaste and denounces. Clarissa tries to kill the little princes who are also her half-brothers. Clarissa is nuts and Mary bashes her head in with a rock. Francis whines about his lot and is a man whore. Nostradamus and Catherine plot. There is screaming and ridiculous action. Mary starts talking like her late uncle King Henry VIII when she plans to defy the Pope. This was utterly terrible in every way.

Best Lines:
When the Queen is led out to the executioner’s block, throw this at her.”

“Her Medici money rotting France.”

“That side is yours.”

“Oh good, more sanctimonious talk from my self-appointed redeemer.”

“A landless bastard for a husband.”