August 31st, 2014

Scary Books

Book Review: Fortune's Pawn

Fortune’s Pawn by Rachel Bach
Book 1 in the ‘Paradox’ series begins well but the plot gets reformulated midway through and the book turns starchy and plasticky and inevitably you just don’t care. Which is what you should have expected from the author of ‘The Legend of Eli Monpress’ saga. Devi is a mercenary in the far future, she signs onto a ‘Firefly’ like ship as a stepping stone to a bigger job. But she gets invigilated into conspiracy and eldritch abominations. Boring conspiracies and eldritch abominations. This is not rollicking, tough or fun. Avoid it.
Scary Books

Movie Review: Faster

Faster (2010)
A man known only as Driver (Dwayne Johnson) gets out of jail after 10 years, he promptly goes on a revenge spree. A junkie cop on the edge of retirement (Billy Bob Thornton of ‘Fargo’) is on his trail as is another cop (Carla Gugino of ‘Threshold’). A whiny hitman known as Killer and his moll (Maggie Grace of ‘Lost’) are also after Driver. Also in the mix are the junkie cop’s ex (Moon Bloodgood of ‘Falling Skies’), the cop’s boss (Xander Berkeley of ‘Nikita’) and the prison warden (Tom Berenger).

The plot isn’t that complicated or coy. The Driver is the dreaded. Killer and his moll officiously plot murder in sugary fashion. It all has to do with the fallout from a bank robbery a decade earlier. Driver does staring and has a plenitude of rage. There is very little integrity in this film. The cop’s ex always seems to be prejudging him or is she? The moll sports a tacky wedding dress. Driver’s mother pops up. The not so daring wannabe cool Killer turns into an idiot. Driver encounters a preacher. There is a twist and throughout it all Driver looks vaguely annoyed and breathes heavily whilst behaving in a somewhat psychotic manner. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Bald headed Precious!”

“A walkalone.”

“No-one would screw with him.”

“He made us do it!”

“The dude’s completely artless.”

“You married your snitch?”

“I hope you kill them all!”

“It’s a long dark road you’re headed down.”

“He owed the wrong people a lot of money.”

“Hate is like a chain around your neck.”

“God can’t save you from me.”

“You’ve got issues.”

“I created my own hell.”
“And I’m the demon who crawled up out of it.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 10 Issue #6 Reviewed

I Wish, part one
The gang are homeless due to their own stupidity; they talk indignantly about rent as Giles bores and sulks. Dawn continues her truck stop chick on the stroll look. Buffy is as stuck up, cold, bitchy, ungracious, prickly and unapologetic as ever. The gang experience the wish-verse or something like it. Xander whines. Anya’s ghost is AWOL. Buffy dresses like it is season 1. Everyone talks quirky. Inner hostilities come out, sort of. This was good.

Best Lines:
“See if anyone else in this city will rent to a gang of weirdoes like you.”

“They felt it important for me to have a stable environment of continuous drunken arguments.”

“Dad -- you’re not in a drunken, racist rage. Mom, you’re not screaming and throwing cutlery.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2003 Tape Tale

‘Exists’ trailer
Morons film themselves on their iphones. They find Bigfoot and he attacks like an MMA fighter. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Best Lines:
“Eeeewww!”

“There’s no credible documented cases of a Sasquatch attack!”
“SHUT UP ABOUT A SASQUATCH!!”
“It’s okay there’s nothing out there.”

A Good Marriage’ (2014) trailer
An adaptation of the Stephen King story. Dorothy (Joan Allen) is happy that her husband Bob (Anthony LaPaglia) has a hobby that gets him out of the house. Until one night in the garage when she finds out his ‘hobby’ is being a serial killer. Cue weepy face and Bob being menacing.

Best Line:
“You just had to look didn’t you?”

‘Annabelle’ trailer
A prequel to ‘The Conjuring’. It is the 1960s and clocks tick, doors creep, an old radio plays and what is either a ghost or an evil dolly or a demon menaces.

Best Lines:
“I like your dolls.”

“What is there left to be scared of?”

“There are things happening.”

“Protect your family.”

‘Gone Girl’ trailer
Amy and Nick, the not so perfect marriage.

‘The Guest’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘Doctor Who’ 8x03 promo
Mmmm.

‘House Of Cards’ season 2 clip
VP Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey and his terrible Southern accent) and his wife Claire sandwich their Secret Service agent Meechum for a threeway. Everyone looks into it even the Underwoods who are lizards who walk upright.

Best Lines:
“Is it painful?”
“Bourbon helps.”

“Let me know if this hurts.”
“Not one bit Sir.”

“You needed that.”

Se7en’ (1995) clip
John Doe the serial killer surrenders. No-one notices the blood drenched freak until he starts yelling. When I saw this film, it was a real surprise who the actor playing John Doe was.

Best Lines:
“You’re looking for me.”

“Keep away from him!”

“I know you.”

~
I am reading ‘Spirit Bound’.

I will review ‘Take This Waltz’, ‘Divergent’ and ‘The Leftovers’ (book).

Tided up LJ tags.

Costa Rica Origin 71% Dark Chocolate - excellent.
Watermelon Margarita - good.
Wild Rose Ice Cream - yum.
Huevos Rancheros - good.

Hollisters is pretentious.

The entire ‘Star Wars: Expanded Universe’ has been declared non-canon - take that ‘Legacy of the Force’ saga, ha ha Jacen.

Hawkeye will be in ‘Captain America 3’? Yay!

Chad Michael Murray and Enver Gjokaj have joined ‘Agent Carter’? Cool.

There is to be an ‘Omen’ TV show called ‘Damien’? Mmmm.

There is to be a TV show take on ‘The Devil’s Advocate’? No.

Anyone else recall the 1988 movie ‘Beverly Hills Vamp’?

Anyone else recall the Amy Irving 1986 miniseries ‘Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna’ which was about Anna Anderson who claimed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia.

They’re rebooting ‘Underworld’? Enough!

‘The Negotiator’ Quotes:
“You see what they’re making me do?”

“You want to shoot him on national television now?”

“They’re not listening to you Chris. So I’m going to show them why they should.”

“You and only you.”

“What if you’re wrong about me?”

“50% of what you don’t have.”

“I’m going to take you down myself.”

“Nice try Sabian.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“His probation officer warned me: don’t marry him.”

“Why is this okay?”

“Mealticket looking dirt bag.”

“That’s bullcrap.”

BBC News’ Quote:
“His dog ate his warning letters from the Council.”

‘Panorama’ Quote:
“I’m not distracting no-one!”

~
On ‘Hollyoaks’: Sandy is gone from the opening credits. Darren and Nancy get remarried in the grotto where Esther tried to kill herself, destroying her liver in the process. Esther is at the wedding. Poor Esther, even now no-one cares. Robbie is locked up. Rick mumbles. Nancy freaks out and realises Finn is the attacker. No-one listens. Diane is a snot. John-Paul finally speaks up. Nancy says John-Paul is her best friend, say what?

~
Cleared out a tape from 2003. It began with a season 7 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Conversations With Dead People’ in which Andrew was ignorant, Jonathan was stupid, Dawn annoyed and Willow was a mouth-breather. Buffy and her souldead gang talk to dead people. Ugly things are said in perpetual darkness. This was illogical as the First Evil was behind it all and Andrew kills Jonathan and got away with it. This ep was overhyped.

Best Lines:
“She’ll think it’s blood.”

“Been in the chronic ward since graduation.”

Then came a season 4 ‘Angel’ ep ‘Spin The Bottle’ in which Lorne is all alone relating via flashback how a spell went wrong. Wesley stomped around whining about being abandoned and sulking. Then a spell causes amnesia and everyone acts like they’re 17. This was tired, lazy and unfunny. Connor bores, Fred craves weed and the Beast makes a cameo. Season 5 would reveal why Lorne was all alone but by then nobody cared.

Best Lines:
“Princess Charles.”
“It’s Wesley.”

“Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.”

“The socially handicapbale.”

“I’m not your friend you English pig!”

Then came a season 2 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Lineage’ in which a crazy woman shows up in town, Lana gets yet another plot and the events after Clark arrived on Earth are shown. Pete takes up space, Lex is in peril also Jonathan and his dem Luthors ranting is shown to be a hypocrite. TPTB destroyed the clex for nothing.

Finally there was another season 7 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Sleeper’. It was a Spike ep. Groan. Spike is murdering people again; Buffy and the gang do nothing about it. Anya is wasted, Giles is in peril and this was crap. This show received far too much unquestioning, obsequious critical acclaim.

Best Line:
Soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half way to happyland by now.”
Scary Books

Doctor Who 8x02 + The Walking Dead 4x13 Reviewed

Into The Dalek
This episode was an unmitigated disaster. An annoying woman meets The Doctor and he and the annoying Clara aid the Combined Galactic Resistance. There is a blatant 'Fantastic Voyage’ homage as various people are shrunk and run around inside a damaged ‘good’ Dalek to fix it. Meanwhile at Coal Hill school, ex solider Danny Pink has issues. Clara is annoying and won’t shut up. The ‘good’ Dalek who is nicknamed Rusty has a mind that is tearing itself apart. There are homages to series 1’s ‘Dalek’ and the ‘dark’ Doctor is not a pleasant thing to contemplate as he makes things worse. Diner waitress soldiers die, Rusty is ‘cured’, no-one has any reflection and this was garish and tautological. Who is Missy? What is Heaven? Should I care? Why is Clara so stupid and heartless? Why did the Doctor reject the solider as a companion?

Best Lines:
“Do please keep crying.”

“Cryings for civilians.”

“You didn’t realise there was a living creature inside?”
“Not until it started screaming.”

“Help me.”
“Why would I do that?”

“The Daleks are evil, irreversibly so.”

“Die all you like.”

“A good Dalek.”
“There’s no such thing.”

“Morality as malfunction.”

“Don’t be lasagne.”

“This is evil refined as engineering.”

“What is this stuff?”
“People.”

~
Alone
The teaser makes no sense. Maggie and co fight walkers in the mist. Beth injures herself in non-constructive fashion. Sasha has no reliability. Everyone heads for Terminus. The cast muster up the bare minimum of enthusiasm to do uninteresting things. Daryl sleeps in a coffin. Beth sings tunelessly. Walkers stumble around like they have swamp cancer. Beth either runs off or is taken. Daryl meets up with Jeff Kober and his gang.  This episode made no sense and was full of imbeciles and was barely tolerable and totally miserable.

Best Lines:
“Self awareness is a beautiful thing - you should try it sometime.”

“I don’t think the good ones survived.”

“It’s far.”

“These things were people, before all this.”

“To not die.”

“That’s a white trash brunch right there.”

“I lost my first group and my second group.”