August 10th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2002 Tape Tale

‘Gotham’ promo
Catwoman, Riddler, Jim Gordon, Penguin and a hint of the tired Joker. Looks good.

‘Hot Tub Time Machine 2’ trailer
The sequel no-one wanted. The timeline has changed and the trio of morons (no John Cusack this time) go to the future of 2024. Looks offensive and stupid.

Best Lines:
“Smells like hatred.”

“A Scandinavian gay bar.”

“Like ‘Fringe’.”

‘Ouija’ trailer
Idiots play with a Ouija board cue shadows and weirdness. Looks okay.

Best Lines:
“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“She woke something up.”

“It will keep coming for you.”

Sleepy Hollow’ season 2 trailer
John Noble, the Horseman and the end of days approaches. Ho-hum, I really don’t care.

Best Line:
“The Horseman of War is my son.”

Supernatural’ season 10 promo

‘A Touch of Cloth III’ part two promo

‘Sin City 2’ TV spot

'The Brotherhood’ (2000) trailer
Bad acting, pretty boys in PVC, axes, underpants, slapping and bad bleach jobs. Cheese.

‘The Negotiator’ (1998) trailer
A cheesy 1990s trailer. Danny Roman is the self declared best hostage negotiator in Chicago. Then he takes hostages to prove his innocence after being accused of bad stuff. He demands Chris Sabian come talk to him. The trailer spoils the movie a bit.

Best Line:
“Now you’re going to have to deal with both of us.”

‘Consenting Adults’ (1992) TV spot
Richard doesn’t suspect his best friend (Kevin Spacey) is a diabolical nutter.

Best Line:
“Come to poppa!”

‘From Hell’ TV spot
Depp = a sad man.

I’m not even going to bother with the new Rob Thurman novel ‘Downfall’.

There will be no review of ‘Reign’ 1x04 ‘Hearts and Minds’.

I will review ‘Elizabeth of York’, ‘Frostbite’ and ‘Shadow Kiss’.

I am reading ‘Murder Most Unladylike’.

A ‘King Kong’ sequel called ‘Skull Island’? No.

Chris Pratt in ‘Jurassic World’? No thanks.

Kyle MacLachlan in ‘Agents of SHIELD’? Mmmm.

Nutty Chicken and Waldorf Salad Sandwich = yum.
Chicken kebabs = lovely.
Semolina cake with Rose Water = lovely.
Lemon Sherbets = okay.

Kevin Spacey movies I have seen: ‘Horrible Bosses’ and ‘Swimming With Sharks’.

‘Psycho Bitches’ Quote:
“It’s a fine line between being charming and being irritating.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“The gypsy skunk seller lied!”

“Devoted my life to second rate science fiction.”

“There’s a skunk in there!”
“Scottish steak!”

‘Murder Most Unladylike’ Quote:
“And who goes for a walk after dark unless they’re doing something nefarious.”

‘Neighbours’ Quote:
“I’m pretty sure if Terese could get away with it. She’d run me over with her car.”

‘The Thick Of It’ Quotes:
“I’ve got the lead question, I’ve got the follow up sarcastic question and I’ve got the withering putdowns.”

“Nicola with a plan. That’s like a toddler with a harpoon.”

“All right dead-o’s.”

“Abandoned barn of a brain of hers.”

“I’ll be talking, you’ll be nodding.”

“Hag pack.”

“Give us your dinner money.”

“We’re lovers, deal with it.”

“Now I’m standing in a cupboard with you.”

“Pushed me up against the wall and called me noncy Sinatra.”

“What’s that film that you love?”
“What film?”
“The one about the f##king hairdresser. The space hairdresser and a cowboy. The guy, he’s got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father’s a robot and he’s f##king f##ked his sister. Lego! They’re all made of f##king lego!”
“Star Wars.”
“That’s the one.”

“Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.”
“They’re Ewoks.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Unrealistic worry.”

“Exclusive use and possession of the house.”


“Distinguishing yourself in the negative.”

‘Strike’ Quote:
“Up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush!”

‘The Brotherhood’ Quote:
“I don’t have to use the door if I don’t want to!”

‘Phantasm II’ Quotes:
“He destroys towns and plunders their graveyards to enslave the dead.”

“You think that when you die you go to Heaven. You come to us!”

Poison Ivy’ Quotes:
“Everybody hates me.”
“Well everybody hates me too. Do you want to come over?”

‘Ghostbusters’ Quotes:
“It’s right here Ray. It’s looking at me.”
“He’s an ugly little spud isn’t he?”
“I think he can hear you Ray.”

“No job is too big! No fee is too big!”

“I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.”

“Mouldy Babylonian god.”

“Dickless here.”

“I feel like the floor of a taxicab.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’; 40 something saddo Tony continues to shag his stepdaughter/teenage prostitute Sinead. Sam and Danny die in a car wreck. A new gangster named Big Bob shows up to bother Trevor. Controlling, neurotic crazy Cindy bores. The new opening credits debut: Cameron, Peri, Tom, the Osborne’s and Nico are either added or have new moments. Sam and Danny are gone. Nice.

Cleared out a 2002 tape. It began with a season 6 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Life Serial’ in which the tracking was way off. The Trio bother Buffy. There is sexism, dullness, bad diction and general gibberish like one of Kanye West’s tirades. This was not true and authentic. Then came a season 3 ‘Angel’ ep ‘That Old Gang Of Mine’ in which Wesley bores, Gunn bothers his old gang, Fred sings, Lorne lurks and this was crap and near unsustainable.

Then came an ‘I-Man’ ep ‘Brother’s Keeper’ in which Darien is stricken by Quicksilver Madness and his employees are arseholes. Darien gets his starkest worst idea yet to shoot himself up with Kevin’s RNA and cure himself. Naturally it all goes wrong admist howls of criticism, even dead Kevin manages to instigate further crap, Darien combs his hair in a silly way and his inept ‘arch nemesis’ shows up. This was crap with bad SFX and ignorance.

Best Lines:
“Why are you shaking your head?”

“Why does the weather get like this every time someone tries to screw with the boundaries of science?”

Finally there was a season 1 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Jitters’ in which Clark acts impaired and a trip to the Luthorcorp plant goes awry. Is Clark supposed to be 14? Where did Lex’s love of fencing go? Lionel bores. Jonathan won’t shut up. Guest star Tony Todd is wasted. This was appalling as Lex wears a purple shirt and Clark lies. Kevin Spacey was a more menacing Lex in 2006.
Scary Books

The Honourable Woman 1x06 + The Walking Dead 4x10 + A Touch of Cloth III part one Reviewed

The Mother Line
Nessa and some cave beast get it on until she ends up in another appalling situation. Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle bothers Nessa and her cut glass accent. She is too ripe with torments, ennui, madness and crudeness to care. There is plotting, a sniffer and various despairing nihilistic intellectuals. Ephra and Nessa yell. The plot is literally incomprehensible. Nessa cries and is bombastic. Rachel bores and yells. This is not a heady stew as no-one has a moral compass and everyone is deranged. Nessa is lewd, mad, devastated and ecstatic. There are more revelations about Gaza and how Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle slept his way into his job. Ephra roars and Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle stalks his ex-wife some more. Crap.

Best Lines:
“Any comment on anything.”

“People think I’m very stupid.”

“Am I safe?”

“How long are you staying?”
“Until I leave.”

“Lie down for it.”

“Wait and see who comes to fix it.”

“I though we’d agreed to look away from that particular direction.”
“I did. I looked so far the other way I seem to have come round full circle.”

“A hero that nobody thanks.”

The scattered survivors whine in non-resilient fashion. This show’s creative ardour is naught but squandered potential. Women are shrill, people get eaten, kids wail, Carol shows up and people are unamusingly cretinous in this dull and unimaginative ep. Are TPTB hinting at partial redemption for Carol? A wounded man is abandoned. There is a mention of Terminus. Maggie is not objective but is characteristically damaged. We are meant to care about the priapic Glen. A woman with bitter regrets (or does she?) pops up.

A Touch of Cloth III (2014) Too Cloth For Comfort, part one
Is this the last ever ‘Cloth’ saga? Oldman drinks vodka out of the toilet, Jack Cloth’s never before mentioned identical twin brother Terry is murdered and Kerry Newblood (Karen Gillan of ‘Doctor Who’) shows up to be inept. Jack Cloth’s hook up with his boss Tom Boss (Julian Rhind-Tutt) seems forgotten. There are overdone black and white flashbacks, staring, mediocre jokes, a cult, melancholy, Kerry and Des have UST and a sinister guru from The Healery may be the baddie. This was okish but not as good as series 1&2.

Best Lines:
“So angry, so Scottish.”

“This tells me nothing!”
“It’s printed on the other side.”

“They’ve found a body.”
“What kind?”

“You sicken me.”

“Three separate dogging hot spots.”

“Frigid and right.”
To Light The Way To Bed

The Keeper’s Chronicles trilogy + Betrayal + The Haunted Book Reviewed

The Keeper’s Chronicles: Summon The Keeper by Tanya Huff
The 1st in the saga. Claire is a Keeper, a descendant of the lineage of Adam and Lilith, gifted with powers to keep the universe in one piece. Now she and her cat sidekick Austin journey to the Elysian Fields guest house to face all manner of peculiar things in this hilarious fun read.

Best Line:
“We could have been eaten by something out of a bad Lovecraft pastiche!”

The Keeper’s Chronicles: The Second Summoning by Tanya Huff
In the 2nd in the saga, Claire and her boyfriend Dean visit her family for Christmas. A rip in the fabric of reality causes the battle between good and evil to take on a decidedly different tone in this hilarious and wonderful tale.

Best Line:
“Have you forgotten what happened last Christmas when the Star of Bethlehem went supernova?”

The Keeper’s Chronicles: Long Hot Summoning by Tanya Huff
The 3rd and sadly final novel in the saga. Claire’s sister Diana learns a shopping mall is the focus point for darkness to stage a hostile takeover. Cue a rollicking excellent read.

Best Lines:
“Things. Bad things.”
“Worse than this?”
“Much. Season finale of Buffy kind of worse.”
“Which season?”
“Does it matter?”

The Secret Diaries #2: Betrayal by Janice Harnell
Love can be so dangerous. Joanna is obsessively and utterly in love with Penn despite his secrets that involve concealed manslaughter. Joanna goes along with the cover-up because of her love for him. But when Penn’s unstable ‘friend’ Casey begins blackmailing and making threats, something has to be done. This is a fascinating, well written and chilling tale of obsessive love and amorality.

The Haunted Book by Jeremy Dyson
This is an epistolary novel from the co-writer of the deeply scary West-End show ‘Ghost Stories’. A man is bequeathed a collection of ghost stories and well nothing happens. This was an utter disappointment.
Scary Books

Movie Review: The Conspiracy (2012)

This mockumentary horror is presented as two documentary makers - Aaron and Jim - making a film about street corner ranting conspiracy nut theorist Terrance. He has walls of crazy newspaper clippings and goes on about internment camps, secret forces, chemtrails and Big Brother. Unease builds as it seems Terrance is actually right and then he vanishes without trace.

Jim and Aaron’s search for him leads them to the secretive and elite Tarsus Group who hold meetings before major world events take place. The pensive and forlorn Aaron knows Terrance’s arguments make a certain sort of sense and is determined to uncover the truth about the Tarsus Group. There is muttering about Mithras and things get creepy as they decide to infiltrate a Group meeting.

Sadly this film falls down on the denouement as the ending is inadequate and ludicrous. Events spiral out of control and even paranoids can have real enemies and street corner ranters who issue dire warnings are actually on to something. This was so disappointing and oddly gave me flashbacks to that weird movie ‘The Bulldance’.

Best Lines:
“The illusion of freedom.”

“A society that’s conditioned to deny.”

“Slaves! Slaves! Slaves!”

“It was people agreeing with him. Like, a lot of people.”

“Who are they?”

“I wish we had never listened to him.”

“You can’t disprove them. You can’t prove there aren’t secret masters trying to control and manipulate us.”

“Very dangerous consequences. As it did in this case.”

“See what came out of the woodwork.”

“New World Order.”

“We live in a world that has been built and guided by cultural forces that exist behind those we see in the forefront.”

“No-one will touch this stuff.”
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