August 7th, 2014

Scary Books

The Omega Factor 1x05 + Devious Maids 1x04 + True Blood 6x10 + The 100 1x05 Reviewed

Powers Of Darkness
A séance goes awry as something emanates and nothing good happens for miserable types with 70s hair. Badness incurs. Tom Crane’s brother Michael wakes up and wants Julia. Drexel’s girl Morag looms. There is casual danger dialogue by overly calm plain talkers. Narcotics are taken. The clinically rational Drexel is still dead. Drexel may have been a minion. Crane looks into Drexel’s signet ring. Silly accents are used, someone goes on fire, a girl thinks she is a witch executed by King James I and there are tirades by ham fisted cows. This was crap and nothing happens and another omega shows up.

Best Lines:
“I don’t want to know you.”

“Made taking LSD like drinking lemonade shandy.”

“We established nothing!”

“She’s a witch!”

“He’s doomed! Doomed!”

Making Your Bed
Genevieve’s brother (Richard Burgi) visits. Marisol has found smoke but needs fire. Rosie worries about Mr Spence as the Spence marriage heads for a blow up. Carmen’s music career plotline bores as her dreams get blown up due to her gutter behaviour. Zoila is ubiquitously awful. Mr Powell and Mrs Spence are vile. Marisol learns how much of a jerk Flora was and that there is a cover-up at the coroner’s office. I had no immersion in this dull episode as Zoila whines regarding her ex non-stop and Marisol is in peril.

Best Lines:
“You’re allowed to medicate.”

“Look at you, you’re emaciated.”
“You always say the sweetest things.”

“Last time I was here, you were married to Phillip.”
“That was three husbands ago.”

“Finish that sentence.”

“They’re two of the at-risk youth that we’re trying to help.”
“And you brought them into my home, delightful.”

“How are you not embarrassed right now?”

“Don’t you care about his feelings?”

Bill takes the trashy vampires to Bon Temps. Anna Paquin may have an Oscar but she can’t act. Warlow is useless even as he gives us a reminder that he is a baddie. What has been the point of him and season 6 in general? Pam broods, Bill stares, Lilith is gone, Jessica whines and the magical blood transfer wears off. Sookie needs saving, again. The Stackhouse family do nothing but take. There is a fight and we are apparently supposed to forget everything that Bill has done. Fairy godfather shows up, Warlow dies and Eric’s naked Swedish sunbathing turns out to have been a spectacularly bad idea.

Six months pass and Hep V infected vampires form into sick hungry packs and roam the countryside menacing small towns. Bill writes a book about all the crap he’s pulled. Sookie has new mancandy and wears an ugly hat. Jason still hasn’t got any from Violet. Sam is the mayor. Tara and her mother reach new depths of creepy in their co-dependant relationship. Andy still hasn’t killed Jessica. Hep V vamps led by Bruno Gunn attack. This show has been steadily deteriorating since season 1.

Best Lines:
“Meet Violet, she’s European.”


“Your friends of low birth.”

“You really are a danger whore.”

“I got him.”
“Did you?”

“I do not complete you.”

“Bill on the TV.”

Twilight’s Last Gleaming
The stupid Finn and the annoying Clarke are post-coital. Then they find Raven’s pod and she is Finn’s galpal. Bellamy engages in a threesome and sabotages Raven’s radio. Why is everyone following Bellamy? Octavia stomps away, falls over and a Grounder (Ricky Whittle) lurks like the Others from ‘Lost’. Are the Grounders vicious indigenous warriors or what? Kane plans a culling. The Chancellor is an idiot. Abby is nasty and reveals the cull plans.

To her and Kane’s surprise, people volunteer for culling to save their families. Kane turns out to have more depth than Abby thinks. A bad child actor blights this under-performing ep. Raven orders the 100 to help her signal the Ark and actually do something. Stupid speeches are made. The cull takes place and the Ark finally sees the signal.

Best Lines:
“Leave humanity in the hands of Kane? Chancellor Kane?”

“You’re a lousy shot.”

“Rocket fuel likes to go boom.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘In The Club’ promo
Stupid new BBC1 show.

‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ promo
I’ll wait till this Richard Dawkins fantasy is on TV

‘Hercules’ promo

RIP Marilyn Burns.

James Van Der Beek on ‘CSI: Cyber’, skipping that.

I am reading ‘The Haunted Book’.

Whole Nut Milk Chocolate = okay.
Lemon Curd Yogurt = nice.

‘Ghostbusters’ Quote:
“Your mother!”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Who are you people?”

“All I want is the truth.”

“He’s really too stupid to lie.”

“Your loyalty lies with me.”

“Two stories in one phone call.”

“That happened?”

“Does nobody care what the hell happened?”

“You miscounted the murderers in your room?”

“Definitely deceptive.”

“I’m tired of this.”

“I’m done with this!”

“Impact you in a negative way.”

“They’re all guilty.”

“She’s throwing knives at me.”

“Two dollar trick.”

“Cheating with a Russian whore.”

“She threw a blender at me.”

“Does it seem reasonable behaviour?”

“This is your marriage.”

“I think he spent it on escorts.”

Neighbours’ Quotes:
“That is sick!”

“What you’ve done is disgusting.”

Movie Reviews: Student Bodies + Ted

Student Bodies (1981)
This lame horror spoof is misogynistic and unfunny.

Best Lines:
“Nurse Krud and Ms Van Dyke. What’s in a name? Everything.”

“Talking? During Horsehead Bookends?”

“Why do they always run away from me? It’s the galoshes. They’re a dead giveaway. Why do I wear them? It isn’t even raining!”

“A man who was once arrested for corrupting the morals of a hooker.”

“She eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens.”

“Malvert sometimes pee red.”

“English teacher by day and English teacher by night.”

Ted (2012)
Lil’John wishes his Christmas teddy would be his best friend. Teddy promptly comes to life. Years pass lil’John is now 35, Teddy’s fame has faded like that of Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz and Justin Bieber’s and Johnny is trying to make things with his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) work. But he spends too much time goofing off and smoking weed with his racist, sexist, homophobic teddy bear. Sam Jones from ‘Flash Gordon’ shows up, Lori’s awful boss Rex is awful, a weirdo and his creepy child kidnap Teddy and there is a chase around Boston. There are cameos, take thats, a break up, a make up and this was okay leaving aside all the sexist jokes.

Best Lines:
“Back off Susan Boyle!”

“I didn’t know you had a baby. Is it alive?”

“Jesus H F##k!”

“He only had three other batches: Gorilla Panic, They’re Coming They’re Coming and something called This Is Permanent.”

“You bastard man.”

“Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!”

“Those gay beat-up clubs.”

“What, like anal?”

“It ain’t hardly had no murders in it. So that’s good.”

“Then he got deported back to Iran.”

“This is art, get it?”

“Man pecs.”

“That was Sinead O’Connor. She don’t look so good no more.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Death on the Nile + Casino Infernale

Death On The Nile by Agatha Christie
In this 1956 novel, the rich and horrid Linnet steals Simon from her best friend, marries him and honeymoons in Egypt In the warm darkness of an Egyptian night, someone kills her. But who? This is a good mystery with attendant sexism, racism and classicism. It is improbable that Egypt seemingly has no law enforcement considering all the defalcations going on on the cruise ship Karnak among the utterly appalling people.

Best Lines:
“Let’s go look at that big ivory crocodile you liked.”

“I wished they’d all go to bed and shut up.”

“That lying French hussy.”

“What on earth should I run about throwing things overboard for the middle of the night?”

“What a poisonous woman! Whew! Why didn’t somebody murder her?”
“It may yet happen,”

“We’ve got a homicidal maniac aboard. We ought to organise a defensive system.”

“He would probably have just bunged arsenic into her and assumed the doctor would say she’d died of gastritis.”

“I’m not really sorry about her, even now.”

“Love can be a very frightening thing.”

Casino Infernale by Simon R. Green
The latest ‘Secret Histories’ novel is a disaster as Eddie Drood and his twit girlfriend go undercover at an evil casino. This was inept, padded and has unnecessary crossovers with the ‘Nightside’ and ‘Ghost Finders’ series. There is violence, the same old jokes, big plot moments are put off for yet another book, there is a twist and a deux ex machina. This was disappointing and nothing new.

Best Lines:
“I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his lungs were on fire.”

“I like Top Gear...It makes me feel manly.”

“I regularly visit clubs where you have to evolve to a more dangerous being just to use the toilets.”

“Pan’s Panzerpeople!”

“Really horribly unpleasant ways.”

“Just to look at him was to hate him.”

Retro Review: Lost Season 2 Eps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 21 & 23

1. Man of Science, Man of Faith
Jack does doe eyed looks as the bizarre secrets of the hatch begin to be uncovered in this excellent and creepy ep. Shannon sees a vision of Walt. Flashbacks reveal Jack’s bitch ex-wife killed Shannon’s dad in the car wreck.

2. Adrift
Michael, Sawyer and Jin are adrift on the ruins of the raft. This was good. Sawyer and Michael whine. The Dharma logo shows up on a shark. Desmond is surprised. Kate finds Apollo chocolate in the hatch.

3. Orientation
Desmond runs off. Jack, Locke, Kate, Hurley and Sayid uncover more about the hatch and Dharma. There is muttering about the incident, the final protocol and Kelvin. Jin, Sawyer and Michael met Ana-Lucia. This was unsatisfying.

4. Everybody Hates Hugo
Ana-Lucia beats up Sawyer. Hurley recalls his friend Johnny and galpal Starla. Ana-Lucia and the rest of the tail section survivors live in another hatch. Bernard shows up. This was good and funny.

Best Lines:
“Guess we can all sue Oceanic together.”

“Driveshaft? More like suckshaft.”

“I thought you said there were 23 of you.”
“There were.”

5....And Found
Jack wails over his ex-wife. Kate is fickle. Jin and Mr Eko hide in the jungle as the Others walk by in a silent parade of barefoot filthy people in a very creepy scene. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Do not open the door for people like you.”

“Seoul. Is that in the good Korea or the bad one?”

6. Abandoned
Shannon gets a flashback which shows how her evil stepmother stole her inheritance, screwed up her career and left her broke. Cindy is taken by the Others. Ana-Lucia screams, berates, yells and shoots Shannon dead. Good.

8. Collision
Ana-Lucia gets a flashback that shows her troubled and angry days in the LAPD. She had a meltdown during a domestic disturbance and now she a meltdown on the island. This was okay filler.

Best Line:
“Anything I say will just make you angry, so yes. I will sit here.”

9. What Kate Did
Kate’s crime (she murdered her white trash violent father) is revealed. The marshal’s dragnet seems over-relentless in retrospect. Michael makes contact with Walt, or does he? Good.

10. The 23rd Psalm
Claire loses faith in Charlie. Mr Eko’s past is revealed. Okay.

12. Fire + Water
Charlie has dreams, kidnaps Aaron, gets beat up and has flashbacks about adult diapers and how his brother stole his piano. This was good. Charlie’s brother Liam was a self-righteous asshat tool.

13. The Long Con
Sawyer is scum and steals the guns. Good.

15. Maternity Leave
Claire recalls some of her abduction. So she, Kate and Danielle make their way to another hatch. Kate uncovers a revelation about the Others. Alex shows up. Nobody really asks who the Others are. Henry Gale stirs the pot like the raving psychopath he truly is. Good.

21. ?
Mr Eko is guided to the Pearl hatch. Libby dies. Henry Gale has run off. Goodish.

23. Live Together, Die Alone
Desmond reveals he caused the crash of Flight 815. Locke causes the destruction of the Swan hatch. Sayid, Jin and Sun see the ruins of a huge statue. Michael and Walt escape the island after handing over Jack, Kate and Sawyer to the Others. The leader of the Others is Henry Gale (whose real name wouldn’t be revealed until 3x02). This was great. Kelvin shows up in flashbacks and the phrase “the hostiles” is used.

Best Lines:
“Who are you people?”
“We’re the good guys.”
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