August 3rd, 2014


Retro Review: Lost 2x19 & 2x20

Jack wants to trade Henry Gale to the Others for Walt. Rose and Bernard have flashbacks. Bernard wants to build a giant SOS symbol. Henry manipulates Locke. Only the Henry plotline is interesting.

Best Lines:
“No food. No water. Nothing to say.”

“Since you are one of them.”

Two For The Road
Henry tries to strangle Ana-Lucia. What did he have against her? Ana-Lucia has flashbacks. Henry is tied up and full of tranquil fury as he lies some more. Michael has returned and lies about the Others. Henry lies to Ana-Lucia who plans to kill him. Michael kills Ana-Lucia and mortally wounds Libby. Only the Henry bits are interesting.

Best Lines:
“I forgive you for hitting me with your crutch. I’m so glad my head didn’t break it.”

“Now that’s a broad question.”

“A day later, I saw one.”

“Dirty, worn clothes, no shoes, simple. Just like the rest of them.”

“They live in tents.”
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Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Rose of Sebastopol + A Century of Creepy Stories, part 4

The Rose of Sebastopol by Katharine McMahon
The Crimean war rages and Mariella travels to the ravaged war zone to find her fiancé Henry and her cousin Rosa who volunteered as a nurse. Once there her world crumbles and she learns much about secrets, faithfulness and love. This was a dull tale; I didn’t care about Mariella’s contented world falling apart or the subsequent fate of her feckless fiancé and idiot cousin.

A Century of Creepy stories, part 4

The Rocking-Horse Winner
A tale of playing the ponies that is a total misnomer.

The Lovely Lady
A silly tale of a pretty woman encumbered by something.

A gentle tale of a haunting. Okay.

The Killing-Bottle
A tale of death or something.

The Travelling Grave
A tale of shoes or something.

A Visitor From Down Under
An Australian visits and stuff happens. This was boring, no exemption.

The Cotillion
A woman is slut-shamed in this almost ‘King In Yellow’ like tale. Okay.

Best Line:
“I didn’t want to blast his happiness and wreck his life, or whatever he says I did.”

The Prince
Sexist tosh. This collection is strangely selective regarding what it sees as creepy.

The Last Man In
A stupid mystery written in irritating vernacular.

Not sure what this heinousness was about.

Beauty And The Beast
An uncongenial corruption of the fairy tale.

Those Whom The Gods Love
A middle aged woman wishes death on a younger, prettier woman. Okay.

The Birthright
An unloved son is unloved, disrespected and dismissed more after his father’s death. Dumb.

The Haunted Man And The Ghost’s Bargain
An overly long tale of ghosts. Crap.

The Villa Desiree
She died on their honeymoon. But why? Okay.

The Duenna
A wife has an assignation which leads to significant loss. Okay.

Best Line:
“I thought you - fool that I was - a good woman.”

The Unbolted Door
A couple lost their son in WW1 and their mourning has ruined their marriage. Okay as the son returns to stop their hostile exchanges.

The Apparition of Mrs Veal
A ghost story. Dull.

The Lost Tragedy
A lost Shakespeare play is found. Dull.

Spinster’s Rest
A bizarre sexist tale.

Circumstantial Evidence
A dull murder case.

A Descent Into The Maelstrom
A man fell into a whirlpool and whines about it. Yawn.

The Fall Of The House Of Usher
A man calls on the hypochondriac Usher siblings. Disproportionately negative consequences and opprobrium ensue. Okay.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Midnight Madness+ I AmNumberFour+ GuardiansoftheGalaxy+Great St Trinian’sTrainRobbery

Midnight Madness (1980)
Girls wearing boob tubes roll around on roller skates passing out invitations to a treasure hunt whilst bad disco music plays. Five teams of college students compete at the whim of Leon an unwashed hipster serial killer looking type who comes across as a creepy stalker. This is not ’Scavenger Hunt’. There are a team of fat bastards led by Harold and his room temperature IQ (Stephen Furst of ’Babylon 5’ and ’Animal House’). A team of nerds led by Eddie Deezen. And a boring team led by some blank faced wannabe cool guy jackass who speaks in a whispered monotone and whose little brother (Michael J Fox) tags along. This is so very 1970s looking.

Harold has shrieking hysterical rage, a huge car phone and a computer in his car that allows him to play pong. Beer drinking football players break stuff. Various idiots do bad acting. Leon’s handmaidens Candy and Sunshine worship him and have no agency. The treasure hunt has impossible clues. People wear white jeans, giggle and one character is named Armpit.

Leon is selfish. The cool guy jackass bullies his little brother. There are dated pop culture references. Harold is body shamed. People overact; cool guy jackass is an awful person and has forgotten his brother’s birthday. This is dated mediocrity with airport brochures, pinball, colour coded teams and a video game. People have serious discontent, brothers are fatally divided and there are moral messages.

The little brother is taciturn. This has about as much substance as a shopkins ad. There is cheating, an arcade fight, sex jokes, vandalism, property destruction, stonewashed denim, huge walkie talkies, domestic abuse and a cameo by Paul Reubens. It all ends with a party as the horrible squirmy annoying people celebrate being them. This was terrible.

Best Lines:
“You could be a regular Burt Reynolds.”


“Don’t but Dad me!”

“You, student!”

“My kid’s studying Venus!”

“Two giant melons!”

“Not my poor tires!”

“Leave me alone Kojak!”

“Bikers! Hells Angels! They’ve taken over the lobby!”

"Harold you beached whale!"

I Am Number Four (2010)
Another failed adaptation of a young adult novel. A blonde alien (played by the git from ‘Tormented’) romances Quinn off ‘Glee’. There is high school crap, endless darkness, fights, magic powers, a dead protector and a rock. This is murky, incoherent, glossy and empty crap.

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Marvel’s latest offering sees a sexist jerk, a tree, a racoon, a “green whore” and a violent idiot take on two underwhelming baddies over an Infinity Stone. One is a purple floating Titan (Josh Brolin) and the other is a blue Kree (Lee Pace). I cared not. There is an orgy of violence, SFX, sap and incoherence in this stupid and indefinably boring mess.

Best Line:
“I hated you the least.”

The Great St Trinian’s Train Robbery (1966)
Train robbers rob a train and hide their loot in a building that becomes the new home for St Trinian’s. A hairdresser (Frankie Howard) has to send his two vile brat daughters in undercover to case the joint. But the grasping con woman headmistress and her delinquent charges are no pushover. This has outdated technology, creepy politicians who love sneaking around a girls school at night, sex jokes and was not funny sadly.

Best Lines:
“Ordinary respectable kids.”

“Me and Monty’s getting groovy.”

“BBC bottle washer.”

“School? What the hell for?”

“You’ll have to dress properly and wash.”

“Followed by the Strip The Willow.”
“I’m not playing!”
“Be quiet Willow.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Person Of Interest’ season 4 trailer

Best Lines:
“Five. Six if you count the dog.”

“This is war.”

‘Arrow’ season 3 trailer
Brandon Routh. Diggle yells. Canary shows up. Oliver and Felicity coo over each other. Red Arrow. Detective Lance is back. Ra’s al Ghul looms.

Best Line:
“A man cannot live by two names.”

‘The Maze Runner’ promo

‘Deliver Us From Evil’ TV spot
Eric Bana stars in this okay looking horror.

‘What If’ trailer

‘The Expendables III’ trailer
Mel Gibson?!?!?

‘Blackwood’ trailer

‘Constantine’ trailer
Demon fighting. Mmm.

Best Line:

‘The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies’ trailer

The 2015 ‘Star Trek’ books sound good.

I will review ‘The Moving Finger’, ‘Death On The Nile’ and ‘Vampire Academy’.

‘Lost’ Quotes:
“These people that you seem to think are your enemies.”

“Where’s your beard?”

“Sayid and his fists.”

“If you could leave this island, why would you still be here?”
“Yes, Jack. Why would we be here?”

“And yes, we do have contact with the outside world, Jack.”

“I think your people are idiots.”

“This is where I came from John. These are my people. The Dharma Initiative.”

“I did what I had to do.”

“Why did you do this?”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“What should be the consequences for shooting somebody in the face with a 357 magnum?”

“A discontinuation criteria.”

“Why did you shoot your husband in the face?”

“All the horrificness started.”

“My ass is gone.”

‘The Thick Of It’ Quotes:
“I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.”

“You look like a week old party balloon.”

“Dead-eyed stare of the zombie army.”

“I’ll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful like a spare toilet!”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Dodger is arrested for battering Patrick. Maxine leaves, for now. Darren is stupid. Sam and Danny plan to emigrate to New Zealand. Ziggy poses in his underpants.

Nikita 4x02 + The Honourable Woman 1x05 + The Walking Dead 4x09 + Psych 7x03 + Reign 1x03 Reviewed

Dead or Alive
Ryan guesses that Amanda has replaced various VIPs including FBI deputy director Graham with doubles. Nikita goes after Graham. Meanwhile Owen is a twit; the plane flies on autopilot and Amanda stages a fake assassination attempt. Cue a twist, bad acting, a Shop plot of some kind and Michael kills the fake Graham. Also Michael dumps Nikita and Alex is framed as Nikita’s funder. What is the Shop planning? Why should I care? Another twist. Dull.

Best Lines:
“All clearly compromised. How?”

“Prove? This is America. All they have to do is hint, vaguely insinuate.”

“Hint their way into a nuclear war.”

“Don’t send guys!”

“Psycho bitch.”

“I am done fighting for us.”

Two Hearts
8 years ago Nessa and Atika made their bargain to pretend Atika was Kasim’s mother whilst far away Ephra threw tantrums and was weak and useless. Kasim is born as security services manipulate over cable. What are the plans for Nessa? Her abductors let her and Atika be rescued via rappelling Special Forces. Lies and threats are made. 7 years pass.

Why was Kasim kidnapped? Ephra responds to the news of Kasim’s true parentage with sneering. Nessa cries and there is another revelation. Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle broods. Nessa plots. A college lecturer uncovers something and is murdered for it. There is something hinky in the Stein Group’s communications cable. Nessa stomps around. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“Where will I have it?”

“Unaware and uncompromised.”

“What baby?”

“Secrets are weird. People think you share them. But you don’t.”

“This secret owns her.”

“I know how I am.”

“What he’s actually done is far far worse.”

Michonne has a boyfriend and a child before the rising. Were her boyfriend and his friend the two zombies she had with her when she met Andrea? Carl has responsibility and resilience as Rick lies on the sofa. Some zombies have very clean hair. Carl does badly acted ranting. There is a jump scare and idiot actions. Carl has hostility for his perpetual screw up father. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Shane taught me. Remember him?”

“12 OZ of pudding.”

“I don’t need you anymore.”

“He knew where we were and you didn’t care!”

Lassie Jerky
Shawn, Gus, two cops and two film students run around the woods doing a ‘Blair Witch’ spoof as they hunt Bigfoot. What they find is a recluse (played by pro-wrestler The Big Show) and murderous Serbians. This was okay and amusing but Shawn is seriously annoying.

Best Lines:
“I am borderline furious.”

“Suck it Shawn.”

“Going for a low, ominous angle.”

“John Lithgow is never writing you back.”

“Have you guys seen ‘Cannibal Holocaust’?”

“It’s just the default excuse people give in found footage movies for why they keep shooting no matter what happens.”

“Guess where she worked the pole?”

“Can you pull this axe out of my spine please?”

“You lost faith in humanity. Gus and I thought about doing the same thing after we saw ‘The Village’. But then we didn’t because that movie was horrible.”

The intro goes “Long may she reign” - well she won’t. The Scottish border is menaced. Nostradamus has visions. Mary and her Ladies act in a way that would have them declared harlots in Renaissance times. Tomas the bastard son of the King of Portugal romances Mary as Greer also romances him as she is desperate for a noble marriage. Claude de Guise, Mary’s uncle, shows up. Mary needs to get troops for Scotland and King Henri won’t help. But when did Mary ever care about Scotland?

There are exposition dumps, Mary’s dog is still AWOL, stupid contemporary songs blare, Tomas looks up Mary’s dress and Henri and Bash smack each other around to a pertinent song. Francis the tool sulks - wasn’t he an underdeveloped, unhealthy midget? Greer stomps around the kitchen arranging a picnic, like a Lady of her status would set foot in the palace kitchens.

Henri pervs over Kenna. There is slow-motion riding beside what is obviously the cliffs of Ireland. Mary does not seem to ride side-saddle. Mary wears a poufball dress of black netting and is a snot. Tomas praises her wildness, yeah the wildness that would see her get her head chopped off. Nostradamus fortune tells. Tomas and Mary dance the tango. Francis whines. This episode was mediocre, grating and full of bad acting. Mary plots while boating on a lake, Greer has to marry well for her family’s sake yet kisses a kitchen scullion, coffee is drunk and Bash bleeds after being wounded. Francis is a weed and hadn’t Mary I of England lost Calais by this point? Also what is with the dragon emblem?

Best Lines:
“A Crown Prince would never marry her.”

“I sense a refusal.”

“Breasts like two pigeons.”

“Guess what? I’m King.”

“Scotland has trees too you know.”

“Who are you and who do you serve?”

“You do have a way of leaving chaos in your wake.”

“Your Medici wife...your French mistress.”

“If I rise, they rise.”

“Not goat’s milk cream.”

“That’s the only way to rule.”