July 29th, 2014

Scary Books

Book Review: A Century Of Creepy Stories, part 2

Mrs Lunt
Another sexist tale of a ghastly dead wife coming back to haunt various men with psychosexual issues. Bad.

Best Lines:
“Queer things happen there.”

“She shouldn’t have irritated me as she did - she knew what my temper was.”

The Islington Mystery
Did a man murder his wife? This was okay but is yet another sexist case of a shrew wife ruining a man’s fun and getting got.

The Cosy Room
A man runs from the law after a murder. Dull.

Opening The Door
A missing man goes somewhere weird. Weird.

Munitions Of War
A silly ghost tale.

The Red Turret
A Canadian couple visit their family’s ancestral home and ridiculous events unfold.

When Glister Walked
A dudebro in British North Borneo has an adventure whilst being racist and sexist.

Si Urag Of The Tail
The racist and sexist dudebro has another adventure this time involving a man eating flower. Ridiculous.

The Great White Fear
I’m not entirely sure what this sexist tosh was about.

Sexist burks tell a tale of love triangle and revenge. Icky.

The Apple Tree
Another racist tale of a haunted bride. Dull.

A man kills someone or something. Terrible.

The Cat Jumps
A couple buy a house where a horrific murder too place. Things happen. Unclear things.

A long boring story about nothing in particular.

Trailers, Quotes and a 2002 Tape Tale

‘Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice’ teaser trailer
Mmmm. Why are Batman’s eyes glowing?

‘Cuckoo’ series 2 trailer
Cuckoo is dead and his son (Taylor Lautner) shows up. WTF?

‘The Walking Dead’ season 5 trailer
Rick picks ANOTHER fight. A dude wants to go to Washington DC. People power walk.

Best Line:
“We will make the dead die and the living will have this world again.”

‘The Love Punch’ trailer

Best Line:
“I’m dying for a pee.”

‘The 100’ 1x04 promo

‘50 Ways To Kill Your Mammy’ trailer
Okay then.

‘Doctor Who’ promo

Best Line:

‘A Touch of Cloth III’ promo
Ha! I’m looking forward.

Best Line:

‘Sister Act’ is a pretty bad film: “You sang in the hotel! Badly!”

I will review ‘Ted’.

Roasted Red Pepper Pate with Basil Price = okay.

‘Person of Interest’ Gag Reel Quotes:
“Jesus can you make the wind stop blowing?”

“Remember I’m Jesus.”

‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’ Quotes:
“I got kicked out of ballet school.”

“Here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Their entire family is covering up their dark and twisted past.”

“Nobody was ever buried in our backyard. Nobody was ever murdered.”

“She has murdered people and buried them in your backyard?”

“The truth is knowable.”

“Come across as really hostile.”

“An angry tone.”

“A suggested thought.”

‘Doctors’ Quote:
“He opened his mouth in blasphemy!”

‘Eastenders’ Quotes:
“Your scumbag family!”

“You’ve always been an airhead.”

In ‘Hollyoaks’: Maxine’s middle name is Stephanie. Dodger is a trenchant moron. Maxine has no hen party because she has no friends and no one offers to throw her one. Maxine gets to the airport to escape only to be dragged away. Patrick foiled her escape with sneering delight.

Cleared out a 2002 tape. It opened with a ‘Dead Like Me’ ep ‘Reaper Madness’ in which a portable CD player is listened to. George dates a live boy and it’s all larky. At first. George whines. Dull. Then came another ‘Dead Like Me’ ep ‘A Cook’ in which there is a feud with a cook. George steals a dog and leaves it for her family. Mason wanders around in Union Jack underpants. Dull.

Then came an ‘I-Man’ ep ‘Exposed’ in which Tommy (Armin Shimerman of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ and ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’) lurks. The SWRB baddies play pinball. Tommy recalls that he is the bad guy. Ebrets wears a dirty sweaty vest and tries to be Bruce Willis. Darien is in peril again and there is a ‘Prey’ crossover. This was dull.

Best Line:
“The windows. Oh ha! There are no windows!”

Then came an ‘X Files’ ep ‘Existence’ in which there is bad CGI and muttering about human replacements who will repopulate the planet. Scully gives birth. What was so special about that kid? Nothing! Adam Baldwin lurks playing the exact same role he always does. Krycek won’t stop talking. TPTB ruined his mystique. There are guns, people get shot, a kiss and people come to adore Scully’s infant. This was terrible.
To Light The Way To Bed

Person Of Interest 2x21 & 2x22 + The 100 1x04 Reviewed

Zero Day
The machine is busted. Fusco is AWOL. An obvious HR plant lurks and sets Carter up for a fall. Reese is sardonic. Carter is silently incandescent. Shaw used to work for Northern Lights; the government group that deals with numbers. Root quits her job at Northern Lights. Reese looks around a weird company. Stuff blows up. The machine reaches out. Reese uses Carter’s first name in jarring fashion. The machine is about to do a hard reset. Decima stake out every pay phone. Finch has incalculable plans. Dot matrix printers print. Finch misdirects and knew the machine was an AI all along. Reese learns about Finch’s secrets. Decima want Finch.

Flashbacks to 2010 show Nathan brooding and Harold proposing to Grace. Harold and his endless Kevin Spacey impersonation grates. Nathan set up the library and was protecting people. While Harold was a jerk who didn’t want to know. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Do you?”
“Not particularly!”

“Any suspects or angry family members?”

“What about your loyal protector?”

“Hiding in the IT department of your own company.”

“No more lies.”

“You put a bug on your friend?”

“When I care about someone, I plant a tracking device on them.”

God Mode
The machine chats to Reese and Root. Fusco is still AWOL. Root is smug. The machine sees Shaw as Team Machine. There is causal cruelty as Reese finds out more of Finch’s glacial sprawling secrets. This miserable farce of an ep was kind of a disaster as it was frustratingly perfunctory and had no brio. Reese the lump of boob-meat grunts. Finch and his social experiments bore. Root is demeaning and not fabulously effervescent not matter what TPTB think. There is no devastatingly witty repartee. Elias the rubbish gangster does not die. Finch plays Root. More HR nastiness goes on. Where is the machine? The heavy looms working for a new unknown boss. Root ends up in a nuthouse.

Flashbacks show the government killed anyone connected with the machine. Finch was pompous, unlovely and smug. There is no emotional impact as Nathan’s murder and the cause of Harold’s injuries are revealed. Grace experiences social asphyxiation as she thinks Harold died in the ferry bombing. Harold stops being petty and bitter. This was mediocre. Still I'll be there for season 3.

Best Lines:
“Your recovering dirtbag partner.”

“Sit here and take it.”

Murphy’s Law
The irrational and unreasonable perpetrating of stupidity goes on. Clarke pouts. The gang of tools led by Bellamy build a wall. Wells is dead. There is a near lynching of the suspect in ‘Mad Max’ attire until Charlotte admits to the murder. Bellamy is a bell-end. Finn and Claire run with Charlotte and hide out in a fallout shelter. Murphy the ‘Mad Max’ wannbe who has recovered from his beating and near lynching very fast chases Charlotte in a furry of bad acting and roaring. There is more death. Meanwhile Raven finishes the pod but is it viable? Kane’s mother runs a church to which Kane still seems to have some allegiance. There are bad decisions all round and this was crap.

Best Lines:
“I mean bad dead.”

“You’re the one who got in a knife fight with him!”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Vampire Academy + A Pocketful of Rye + The Negotiator

Vampire Academy (2013)
From the director of the ten year old ‘Mean Girls’ comes this tale based on a crappy teen novel. The Richelle Mead novel was adapted into a screenplay by Daniel Waters who wrote ‘Heathers’. Rose and Lissa ran away from St Vladimir’s Academy a year ago and now they are being dragged back by pasty Russian lump of lard Dmitri. This film was a huge stinking bomb like ‘Teaching Mrs Tingle’ and it is easy to see why as it is incoherent and full of stupid plastic fangs and exposition dumps.

Rose does kung fu (badly) and falls for Dmitri for no clear reason. Lissa seems slow and has a huge mouth. Friendly fastidious elder vampire Victor (Gabriel Byrne) lurks and you just know he is the bad guy because he is the biggest name in the cast. The headmistress shrieks and the vampire Queen (Joely Richardson) prances. This was anodyne and logic violently unspools yet it has a cheesy attraction.

Lissa symptom substitutes or something. Lissa’s former friends aren’t conciliatory at first. Rose acts like a one woman reality show. Vampires go to church and that is where any resemblance of reality went right out the window. There is subplot about a missing teacher named Ms Karp (Claire Foy of ‘White Heat’) which is set up as a sequel hook. A baddie blows in someone’s ear, the vampire mythology makes no real sense and there is an idiot climax with revelations, a twist, a ridiculous speech, sequel hooks galore and Rose making out with Dimitri the 40 something lump and his tiny underpants. This is a ridiculous film that is skewed fatally towards cheese and a sequel full of edginess and loss of restraint in promised in the final scene but that will never be now will it? The alternate opening was much better, this could and should have been better.

Best Lines:
“It speaks.”

“Nothing resembling fun.”

“I have no friends to tell.”

“If you see a Strigoi, I recommend running.”

“Fat lady feeder breath.”

“She writes ‘Twilight’ fan fiction.”

“Jesse has a personality? I didn’t know.”

“He liked to hit my mother. When I was old enough, I liked to hit him.”

“Not everything to be feared roams outside the gates of St Vladimir’s.”

“They say Dmitri is a god. Well I’m an atheist. An atheist with a big gun.”

Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple: A Pocketful of Rye (1987)
Joan Hickson stars in this inept adaptation of a lesser novel. The opening credits are unsettling with lovely music. Rich man Rex (Timothy West of ‘Eastenders’) is murdered. The police investigate. This is different from the book. Prodigal son Lance (Peter Davison of ‘Doctor Who’) returns. He has no emotional maturity and is the world’s brattiest son and looks about 20. Good son Percival wears a costume of machismo. Rex’s second trophy wife is a low culture, pouty, submissive blonde and Mary Dove the housekeeper is greasy looking, literally.

Characters act idiotically and this has a stench of inauthenticity and I felt minimally involved with this dire artless boring mess. Class issues are ignored as Miss Marple shows up to remonstrate and the police let her take over the investigation in asinine fashion. Lance’s concomitant is obvious as is his fecklessness and untrustworthiness. Gladys the doomed maid is way too dim.

What was Lance doing in British East Africa? Everyone has impiety and grave pathologies. The police have no inquisitiveness. Nobody is discomfited by Rex’s murder or any of the further murders. There is corrosion, sadness and isolation as people disparage each other. This was devoid of merit as Miss Marple uncovers the murderer. This was full of mendacity and weak, inept, cowardly, unprincipled types who you don’t care about. Everyone is brash, uncouth, boorish and forments withering contempt. Also the acting is appalling.

Best Lines:
“Godless things.”

“Your father was a rogue and he married a harlot.”

“Matrimonial warfare.”

“An odious man. In fact the whole family are most unpleasant people.”

“A den of iniquity.”

“Bloody grim.”

“A lunatic posioner at large.”

“Great useless chump.”

The Negotiator (1998)
Police negotiator Danny Roman (Samuel L. Jackson) is framed for murder and corruption by corrupt co-workers. So he takes hostages, waves a gun and shouts about his innocence. He will only talk to negotiator Chris Sabian (Kevin Spacey) who is from another precinct and therefore can be trusted. Roman is determined to prove he isn’t a gun wielding maniac by acting like a gun wielding manic. There is active distrust in play as Roman yells and Sabian talks. Both have no indoor voice. There are guns, swearing and deceitful attempts to influence. Sabian has repellent contempt for everyone. Danny menaces and yells constantly to embellish his willingness to do anything to prove his story.

Outdated computers are looked up. Convenient evidence is kept by baddies so the goodies can find it. Stockholm syndrome sets in. There is plot illogic, violence and the surprising head bad guy has impertinence. This was okay with an overblown soundtrack. But why wasn’t Roman arrested for taking hostages? Danny’s co-workers include David Morse, John Spencer, Tim Kelleher, Nestor Serrano and Dean Norris and his hostages include J.T Walsh, Ron Rifkin and Paul Giamatti.

Best Lines:
“You bring tension and emotion to a scene that already has too much of both.”

“There are ways to prove your innocence. This is hardly one of them.”


“What was that? A threat? Did you just threaten me?”

“There is no they, right?”

“They had to believe I was capable of that.”

“Surrender my ass!”