July 21st, 2014

Hawkeye

Thoughts of the Day

Tommy in season 3 ‘Arrow’! Yay! Even if Brandon Routh will be there too and Felicity and Laurel.

Wentworth Miller is to play Captain Cold on ‘The Flash’. That could actually have made me watch ‘The Flash’ if Robbie Amell wasn’t on the show.

‘Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ is a terrible movie.

I am reading ‘By The Pricking Of My Thumbs’.

Butter Praline = yum.
Hazelnut Slice = nice.
Walnut Truffle = delicious.
Ho Hos = lovely.

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Can’t we thin this herd with some smallpox infected blankets?”

“My poem has become an elegy.”

“Making nerds cry.”

“I pulled a Jesus.”

“Tonight you can knock me up again.”

“Thinking ain’t drinking.”

“Send in Sugarbell.”

“Honeysuckle! Dewdrop!”

“I won’t take your blood ponies!”

The Real A&E’ Quote:
“His drunken BMX bike stunt went badly wrong.”

‘Predator 2’ Quote:
“It’s like Dante’s hell down here!”

‘Futurama’ Quote:
“He’s been dead since yesterday!”

‘By The Pricking Of My Thumbs’ Quotes:
“The housemaid was called Rejoice-in-the-Lord. Methodist she was. But my Great-aunt Fanny soon put a stop to that. Told her she was going to called Rebecca as long as she was in her house.”

“Aunt Ada did not take this demise with any signs of sorrow.”

“Or a glass of milk perhaps. It’s not poisoned today.”

“Nobody will take any notice at all.”

“A nice old lady sipping milk and talking in a scatty kind of way about dead children and fireplaces.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Night Terrors

Night Terrors by Tim Waggoner
Book 1 of the ‘Shadow Watch’ series from the author of the rather crappy ‘Nekropolis’ novels. Audra is an agent of the Shadow Watch; she polices dreams and nightmares alongside her partner Jinx. He is a psychotic clown born out of Audra’s childhood nightmares and they’re bound for life. No wonder Audra has drug addiction issues. Also a plot is underway to unleash the maelstrom and BTW this is a comedy. There are dreams and nightmares made flesh, the Land Of Nod, amusing injuries, chapters of exposition, plot twists that aren’t and villains with movie villain syndrome. This is an oddly entertaining read.

Best Lines:
“The next move you make will be your last, clown oppressor!”

“You Bet Your Genitals, 3000 Proof Alcohol, Jangles, Adrenalynn’s, Live Necrophilia.”

“The souvenirs ranged from the charming dead-rat-on-a-stick to the unsettling death-scream-in-a-jar.”

“The cotton candy was pink fiberglass insulation wrapped in gleaming barbed wire.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: Rise of the Planet of the Apes + Muirhouse

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)
This is a prequel/reboot to the classic series. Will (James Franco) experiments on chimps to find a cure for Alzheimers via gene therapy neurogenesis. But it goes awry due to events that Franklin (Tyler Labine of ’Reaper’, ’Invasion’ and ’Tucker and Dale vs. Evil’) the chimp handler somehow failed to notice. Will brings a baby chimp named Cesar home to raise. Caesar is intelligent due to the gene therapy so Will also shoots his Alzheimers ridden father Charles (John Lithgow of ‘Raising Cain’) up with the Alzheimers cure. Years pass.

There is a creepy scene in zoo, Caesar can sign, Will shacks up with vet Caroline, Caesar displays aggression and Charles’ cure wears off. Caesar who is an obvious CGI creation is doomed to a nasty ’sanctuary’ run by Brian Cox and his two moron sons one of whom is played by Tom Felton. Will decides to fiddle with his cure by creating an aggressive virus strain which ends up infecting and killing Franklin. Not that Will notices.

Caesar is ill treated by Tom Felton. Apes fight. An orang-utan is taught sign language by Caesar. Charles dies. Will tries to take Caesar home but he won’t go. So Caesar steals the cure and uses it to make the other apes smart. There is mention of a spaceflight to Mars which seems to go missing. Are those the astronauts that would feature in the original film? The apes attack, Caesar speaks and Will’s boss does stuff. Apes rampage on a fog shrouded Golden Gate Bridge. There is death and destruction all thanks to dodgy scientist Will. The apes run off and the nasty neighbour (David Hewlett of ‘Stargate Atlantis’) turns out to be an airline pilot and he spreads the virus Will created worldwide. This was not dark and visionary. More deathly dull and there was no emotional connection.

Best Lines:
“You did what? You did what?”

“He’s not yours anymore.”

“Some things aren’t meant to be changed.”

“Apes stupid.”

“Take your stinking paw off me you damn dirty ape.”
“No!”

~
Muirhouse (2014)
Australia’s actual most haunted house is the setting for this inept ‘horror’. In 2007 Phillip Muirhouse spent the night on the Monte Cristo homestead and ended up a half naked hammer wielding raving murder suspect as a result. Phillip was an author and a ghost hunter. He was also off-puttingly self-congratulatory and full of ranting self pity, entitlement and truculent spoilt monosyllabic whining. Various inane airheads chatted around him. There was a woeful absence of scares as Phillip ran around the homestead screaming at hideous wallpaper and ranting about wind frontage. He did a lot of walking and bad acting and screaming in perpetual darkness. This singularly failed to scare and was rancid. ‘Veronica’s Closet’ and ‘Storm of the Century’ was scarier than this. The ending makes no logical sense.

Best Lines:
What’s with the hammer?”

“Never seek out entities on your own!”
PromNight2

Reign (2013 - 2017) 1x01 Reviewed

Pilot
There’s something about Mary Queen of Scots in this wildly inaccurate show set in France 1557. Mary leaves her convent after her taster dies to go to court (which looks like Ireland) to met her husband to be Francis (who looks like a drug addict), the King (who looks like a poor man’s Eric Cantona) and the Queen Catherine de’Medici.

There is a lurker in the attic. Catherine de’Medici and Nostradamus plot in a cellar. Mary Queen of Scots who in this tale is not six foot tall goes around with unbrushed hair and she and her Ladies In Waiting wear slutty attire. Nobody treats Mary with any royal deference. Her Ladies In Waiting all have American stripper names when in reality there were all named Mary too.

The King’s mistress Diane and her bastard son Sebastian lurk. Sebastian never existed. Mary and her Ladies cake themselves in make up and wear sleeveless dresses to a Royal Wedding. Francis’ younger brothers are not seen or mentioned which is odd and as all Catherine’s sons would be King of France. Mary pets her Irish wolfhound dog. Francis is a jackass. Mary does not seem to have porphyria.

A Lady In Waiting relaxes in an anachronistic bath. Mary is in a moo over Francis. She gets a warning and finds a secret passage. The King’s daughter Elisabeth wears an anachronistic wedding dress. Mary scene steals at the wedding reception and then pervs at the public wedding night. The King shags a Lady In Waiting on a staircase. Francis doesn’t want to marry Mary.

There is no sign of Mary’s powerful Guise relatives or any mention of the fact that she was always more concerned about the English throne then the Scots one. There is a plot to defile Mary which is interrupted. There are rape apologists and foreshadowing of the scandals that would doom and destroy Mary. There is a brief glimpse of possible Musketeers. A head is choppy choppyed off. A Lady In Waiting retracts friendship.

Mary’s wedding is postponed compounding events. Sebastian and Diane plot. Mary’s recklessness and poor judgement is on display. As is her endless supply of Diamond Oil Shatterproof Shine. Events are compounded by various whoreish looks and wanton gestures. This was good, soapy and oddly compelling. But I don’t think French nuns played football and did a nun say Queen Mary I of England was a protestant?!?!?

Best Lines:
“I may not have been born with a crown but this country relies on my money.”

“Here’s the date. When I say so.”

“The opinions you can ignore.”

“How do I control a daughter in law who’s a Queen in her own right?”

“Colin said he’d wait for me.”
“Til when?”

“Alliances can shift.”

“You will sit next to the Pope’s cousin, he has no teeth.”

“My Page is there for a reason.”

“Do not go in those woods!”

“What a rise your people have made.”

“We’re overrun by Scots.”

“We’ve been engaged since we were six.”

“Love is irrelevant to people like us.”

“Gossip poisons too.”

“We’re disposable, all of us!”

“Every meal you’ve eaten has been tested for poison since you left your mother’s breast.”

“I was riding.”
“Who?”
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