July 17th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Hollyoaks’ 6 Weeks Of Summer trailer
Maxine and Patrick’s wedding day arrives. Finn gets his. Sam gets hers. Cindy goes missing. Teegan tries to steal Peri. Nancy is in peril. There is a car crash and Theresa returns. Mmm.

‘Vampire Academy’ (2014) trailer
I skimmed Book 1 of the series and it was crap. I am not surprised this flopped hard. Plastic fangs, wooden acting, Gabriel Byrne, punches, quips and this looks stupid.

‘Doomwatch’ (1972) trailer
Yelling, dramatic turning, digging and Aran jumpers. Looks ridiculous.

Best Line:
“I can’t help you! I can’t help you!”

‘Nikita’ season 4 promo
Nikita is wanted, Amanda is snide and Michael broods. Yawn.

‘The New Statesman’ Quotes:
“Argie Orgy it is.”

“Eur-oblivion!”

“Garlic stained frog horde!”

“Remember jobs?”

“Dog poos through the letterbox every time.”

‘Bride of Death’ Quote:
“Since when do I have cultists?”

So Thor’s a woman now?

I am reading ‘Bride of Death’.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Maxine enters the refuge safe house. Where is Mitzeee during all this? Freddie the tattooed chav does a runner. Lindsey acts holier than thou. Patrick finds Maxine and hammers on the safe house door until she goes home with him. Who is the father of Lindsey’s baby? Trevor is ditched and dismissed by Grace. Nana cleans knickers off of Grace’s mirror ball. Maxine is kept prisoner in the flat by Patrick and is planning to escape again.

Best Lines:
“I can’t do this on my own.”

“I would do anything to be rid of you.”
Scary Books

Omega Factor (1979) 1x01 +Devious Maids (2013-2016) 1x01 + Hannibal 2x11 + True Blood 6x07 Reviewed

The Undiscovered Country
This forgotten BBC 10 part series has dull opening credits and is mostly remembered for Mary Whitehouse having it cancelled. Tom Crane is a reporter for occult magazines and played by some guy who looks like a cut price Robert Powell. Crane has dreams and hangs out with various people who mock Uri Geller and his “mutilated cutlery.” Crane decides to look up infamous psychic Drexel who has a dangerous reputation and was big in the 1940s until people started dying around him.

This is morose, brooding, mysterious and enigmatic and oddly entertaining. It looks extremely dated and the actors are like living blocks of stone but it has an aura of dread about it. Crane tracks down and interviews Drexel who acts weird and drops hints about a woman who went missing in the vicinity. Realms of exposition of dropped and Crane acts bland and flat as the soulless Drexel prances. It is still better than the artless nadir of the genre ‘The Nightmare Man’.

Crane is menaced by 1970s SFX and finds the missing woman dead. Did Drexel kill her? Then Crane and his wife Julia are in a car crash and Julia does not survive. Crane is visited by a man from Department 7 and learns his wife worked for them, that Drexel caused the car crash and that he himself is a psychic. Crane is ordered to come work for Department 7 (the 70s X Files). This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Where were you?”
“Wales.”

“Witchcraft, so passé...bare bums and phoney rituals.”

“No more lubrication.”

“Have orgies every night.”

“Ghastly isn’t it?”

“Nothing is outside my capabilities.”

“Used to be quite famous.”

“How sticky?”

“Something of a Jonah.”

“Nobody makes trouble for me.”

“I should have to stop you.”

“You want me to put fear into you? I can do that.”

“You’ve become a national asset Mr Crane.”

“Power we know too little of.”

~
Pilot
Flora is a maid to a noxious rich couple until she is murdered. Marisol is hired as her replacement and has ulterior motives. Zoila and Valentina are maids to drama queen (Susan Lucci of ‘Invitation to Hell’) and her hot son. Carmen is the maid to a singer and Rosie is the maid to a nice soap star (Grant Show) and his evil ‘serious actress’ wife. Zoila, Valentina, Carmen and Rosie know some secret of Flora’s and Marisol is determined to find out. But first she has to appease various awful employees like the rich doormat (Brett Cullen) and his trophy wife. This is more sap and melodrama from the maker of ‘Desperate Housewives’. This was okay and Marisol’s motive for going undercover as a maid is very interesting.

Best Lines:
“She’s drunk and evil.”

“I say we let it die with her.”

“He will tell you if it is a good morning.”

“The fact that you think that’s impressive makes me want to vomit and weep for you.”

“Lord I have to clean that.”

“I was going to clean it myself, but I wasn’t emotionally capable.”

~
Ko No Momo
Hannibal and Will eat songbirds. Freddie’s body is found. Margot is pregnant. Mason lies to a foster child about being taken away from his foster mother and kitty cat so Mason can drink his tears. Mason isn’t witty, he’s gross. Hannibal sets things in motion as he and Will mutter intemperately at each other. Alana is fazed as things become clear. Mason likes to talk endlessly about his recollections of his even worse dead dad. Hannibal’s wanton malice causes pain for Margot as her hope is rescinded due to Mason‘s evil expediency. All this to buy Will’s fidelity. Jack mutters. There is a twist. A game is being played. Will has tenacity yet this was wholly boring.

Best Lines:
“A rare but debauched delicacy.”

“I don’t hide from God.”

“Freddie had a longing to be noticed. She was noticed.”
“Freddie Lounds ultimate failing was her inability to keep herself out of her own stories.”

“I don’t think Hannibal is good for you and I think your relationship is destructive.”

“It’s a courtship.”

“What God do you pray to?”
“I don’t pray.”

“You’re all lying.”

~
In The Evening
The TruBlood is poisoned. Why are we supposed to care about the murderous Eric and the thankfully now dead Nora? Willa and Pam are judiciously annoying. Eric and Bill whine. There is yelling. Mrs Newlin has plans. Sookie gets naked again, oh put them away. Sookie can’t stop thinking with her pudenda. Arlene cries and rolls around in the cemetery. Sam is selfish. The plot arc is unreasonably long and unhurried. Jessica wants sex with James because she is a brainless slut. Jason gets no consolation and continues to be stupid. James broods. The stupid fangs are flashed. Bill further besmirches himself. Sookie meets Andy’s surviving daughter. Bill menaces people in daylight. Pam gets deviant. Eric has flashbacks to his and Nora’s bonnet action in the time of Charles II (I think). Eric cries and Nora turns to mush. This was terrible.
Scary Books

Book Review: Acolytes of Cthulhu, part 2

Acolytes of Cthulhu edited by Robert M. Price, part 2

Legacy In Crystal
A sexist tale of a greedy old woman who inherits dead man’s things. Okay.

Best Lines:
“He had lived all alone, a gloomy old recluse in a dark old house, spurning all efforts of his relatives to visit him.”

“That shadow on the wall behind. It had a very disconcerting shape, indeed.”

The Will Of Claude Asher
A man goes on a long rant about his evil brother. Good.

Best Lines:
“The charred remains of Jabez Driesen’s bride were discovered, manacled to a stake in the tremendous ancient fireplace.”

“A satanic hatred older than man himself.”

The Final War
This may be a parody. Or it may just be sexist crap.

The Dunstable Horror
An ancient Indian burial ground story. Ugh.

Best Line:
“I have see things far more eerie than a few squirrels bobbing in a millpond.”

The Crib Of Hell
A secret is hidden. Bad

Best Lines:
“Yes, if she can be called - a wife!”

“Wantoning naked through the woods at the fringe of town.”

The Last Work Of Pietro De Opono
A man finds an ancient text and does something stupid. Good.

Best Line:
“Do not experiment with it, do not even read it. Burn it, or God help you and humanity.”

The Eye Of Horus
A tale of an ancient Egyptian tomb. Dull.

The Cellar Room
A séance is a disaster, naturally another is held. Okay.

Mythos
The mysterious Easter Island is explored by an expedition. Dull.

There Are More Things
An utterly ridiculous tale of aliens.

The Horror Out Of Time
A ship encounters a risen island with a long lost and forgotten structure on it. Good and with a cold twist.

The Recurring Doom
By S.T. Joshi. Cthulhu is rising, again. Good.

Necrotic Knowledge
A book scam is revealed as the Lovecraft wannabes move out of 20s and 40s settings and into the decade that taste forgot. It is a shame the tale is cruddy though.

Night Bus
A ghoul gets on a bus. Okay.

The Pewter Ring
A snotty wannabe aesthete experiences time travel. Okay.

John Lehmann Alone
Another Garlock’s Bend story, a companion to the one in ‘The New Lovecraft Circle’. Good.

The Purple Death
An utterly odd bad tale.

Mists Of Death
Killer mist! No.

Best Line:
“I can assure you it is prehuman - certainly it was never made by man.”

Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar
By Neil Gaiman. This much collected comic parody is very funny and affectionate.

Best Line:
“American hippies who wandered about the countryside taking drugs.”

“That building next door is the Nameless Temple of Unspeakable Gods.”

“The black king of the ancients who shall come in the night from the east and you shall not know him, you mean?”
“Of course that’s who I mean.”
“Just checking.”
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