July 13th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 1998 Tape Tale

‘Doctor Who’ promo
Go away Clara.

Best Line:
“Am I a good man?”

‘The Honourable Woman’ 1x03 promo
Nessa is hysterical some more.

‘The Walking Dead’ 4x06 promo
Staring! Staring! Staring! No.

‘Batman: The Complete Series’ sizzle reel
No sizzle.

‘The Five Year Engagement’ TV promo

Best Line:
“Grandparents do have a tendency to die.”

Lemon & Spirulina glucose and gluten free raw chocolate = nice.
Orange & Passion fruit drink = ugh.
I made Eggy In The Basket and singed it. Made it again and it turned out okay.

‘Futurama’ Quotes:
“My gambling diaper.”

“What’s rent?”

I will review ‘Masks’, ‘Tiger Shrimp Tango’, ‘Christopher’s Diary: Secrets of Foxworth’, ‘Disavowed’, ‘Jugface: The Pit’, ‘Burning Paradise’, ‘Tainted Blood’, ‘The Devil’s Promise’, ‘Abracadaver’, ‘Sherlock Holmes: The Impossible Cases’ and ‘A Century of Creepy Stories’.

Caught the end of a ‘Hollyoaks’ episode and Patrick threw Maxine down a flight of stairs.
Cleared out a tape from 1998. It opened with an ‘Earth Final Conflict’ season 1 ep ‘Pandora’s Box’ in which Lili wears a very short skirt and there is babbling about Taelon violence. Boone has visions. Nigel Bennett’s guest appearance is wasted and there is awful SFX, gurning, muttering and a murderous Taelon. This was not only boring but plain awful.

Then there was an ‘X Files’ ep ’Unusual Suspects’. This was a whole episode flashback to 1989 which shows how the Lone Gunmen came to be and how they met Mulder. Byers met Suzanne, Richard Belzer appears playing Detective Munch, Suzanne wants a mysterious file and there is hacking. The FBI and men in black run around. There are ancient internet and printers. Suzanne has a bugged tooth and is paranoid and goes on about an engineered biological operation. This had promise but was oddly dull and Suzanne was treated as an irrelevant bipedal vagina.

Best Lines:
“You hippie jerk!”

“Shut up ya narc!”

“Up yours narc.”

“John Fitzgerald Byers. 11-22-63.”
“I was named after JFK. Before the assassination my parents were going to call me Bertram.”

“If you want a converter that’ll short out and burn your house down. Definitely talk to this guy.”
“That was a one time fluke.”

“Daddy needs a new Sword Of Wounding.”

Then came a ‘The Pretender’ ep ‘A Stand Up Guy’. Jarod and his stubble pretends to be in the mob. Miss Parker continues being repellently needy for her father’s scraps of affection. Lyle does stuff and yaps. Miss Parker wears an indecently short skirt. This bored.

Then came a season 3 ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Maternal Instincts’ in which Solan, Callisto and Gabrielle wander around. Centaurs trot around, Hope shows up as a bad child actress and Solan still doesn’t know who is mummy is. Gabrielle is stupid and yells a lot. Hope kills Solan and Gabrielle poisons Hope but not very well. This was bad and about as dramatic as a dead fish.
Scary Books

Movie Review: Deadline (2009)

Whatever happened to Thora Birch? This and ‘The Hole’ are the last films I saw her in. Alice (Brittany Murphy) a struggling writer is recovering from a breakdown brought on by her crazy husband Ben. She retreats to a remote house to write to the worry of her BFF Becky. The fragile Alice wanders around the huge house, dreams, worries about Ben finding her and never seems to do any writing. In the attic she finds stuff belonging to previous occupants of the house. She plays tapes that David (Marc Blucas) made of his new wife Lucy (Thora Birch). David alleged stuff, complied tapes and things got tumultuous between them. David’s creeping frustration caused the relationship to deteriorate into an endless cycle of jealousy and recriminations. This is an uncanny parallel of what happened with Alice and her husband. Alice’s obsession causes her to crack up. Do the strange events have something to do with ghosts or something else? There is a twist and an eerie ending. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Something bad happened here.”

“You’ve been in this house all along.”

“I don’t feel safe here.”

“He’ll try and find me. He always does.”
Scary Books

The Honourable Woman 1x02 + Crisis 1x12 + Person Of Interest 2x03 - 2x06 Reviewed

The Unfaithful Husband
MI6 planted a bodyguard on the dead behind the eyes Nessa and she shagged and dismissed him. There is non-linear storytelling. The overly complicated kidnap plot is investigated. Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle and his throaty voice has no jejune. Who is the woman who hangs around with Nessa’s family and who is the father of her kidnapped son? Is she the nanny? A distant relative? Nessa’s sister in law annoys.

Eight years ago, Nessa and the mysterious woman were abducted in Gaza. Events are misinterpreted. Various advisors to various people mumble respectively. Either the communications industry is really competitive or something else, something deeper is going on. Nessa is tinged with sadness. There is lots of staring and while you can’t immerse yourself in this I am getting intrigued. There is a lying woman who is secretly an FBI agent. A lurker lurks in a lift. A Black Cab driver isn’t what he seems. There are wheels within wheels. Nessa’s brother shags someone who is not his wife. This is okay and what is Nessa’s secret?

Best Lines:
“A team that leaves no trace. At all.”

“It’s all vanity.”

“Just because you think you’ve got the protection of the playground bully, doesn’t mean that people won’t be waiting for you on your way home.”

“A fence is only a fence until it turns into a spike.”

“Take my child out of this room now!”

“You think everyone is like you?”

“Who’s them?”
“That’s what I’m waiting for her to tell us.”

“Your operation is off-book and now your cover has been blown, they’re going to cut the trail.”

“I don’t have to tell you what that’s for do I? There’re here to clean up, you.”

“No Max, I don’t think we’ll be doing that.”

“If I don’t know where not to look, how can I tell other people not to look there?”

This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen
The hostage takers finally recall Hurst’s abducted daughter. The mansion is set on fire, the hostages find it expedient to sit on their asses and Gibson’s plan is amended by his contentious mercenaries. Finley tries to verify Gibson’s story. Ostensibly Gibson’s gambit to fake being an innocent seems to be working. Finley talks to himself. People type at each other. Jonas wanders off. The kids are finally rescued. Suzy is stupid. Amber is damaged or something. The law enforcement mole escapes. Gibson isn’t under arrest. Mrs Gibson shows up. Beth Ann is missing. Days suddenly pass between scenes. The dude from ‘Hunter’ is framed as being the mastermind of the kidnapping.

The law enforcement mole is Alicia Dutton a State Trooper. Why she got in with Gibson is never really explained except for the reveal of a secret relationship. Gibson lies and stoops to new lows. Mrs Gibson still hasn’t acquired a brain. There is bad green screen. Meg sneers at Gibson as he confers with her. Suzy finally talks to her child and it does not go well. What is the new plan? Where is Jonas? Why does Beth Ann have no agency? The First Son continues to be moronic. Gibson looks constipated. People die and Suzy and Finley are gun happy. This was crap; this is not how life works.

Best Lines:
“I’m not playing this game Mr Gibson, I don’t believe you.”

“We’re three minutes from the burn.”

“Go start the fire in the east wing.”

“How’s jail?”
“I’m getting by.”
“Getting by. But never getting out.”

“Nice of her to let you back in the house.”

“No more mansions, no more downed drones.”

“To who?”
“To the people that shot me.”

“Names get you dead.”

“Screw it.”

So the machine is an AI but nobody cares. Reese is a bodyguard to Sofia, a snotty diplomat’s daughter. Sofia dances to Sia. Reese does his menacing stroll. Agent Snow resurfaces and he’s in trouble Finch has PTSD. Sofia is mixed up with drugs and gang bangers. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“It’s sleeping here now.”

“Having seen the kitchen, I’d advise you to stay away from the shrimp puffs.”

“Give us the money or go out the window.”

Old Celtic Irish gangsters do stuff. Reese looms. A mob enforcer and a widow are in peril. Carter annoys. Finch visits Elias the rubbish gangster in jail. This ep forfeited my interest and was laughable.

Best Line:
“Mr Tall, Dark and Fearsome.”

Bury The Lede
A reporter, Maxine, is the POI of the week. She is looking into HR. The FBI doesn’t know who the head of HR is. Finch sets Maxine and Reese up on a date. Someone dies. There is a massive screw up. Zoe and her newly blonde hair lurks. Reese must keep his cover. There is a hostage situation. Fusco can’t be trusted. The HR boss is revealed to the viewers and it is the person no-one suspected. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Remember when you led that meth-lab raid and accidentally busted into the wrong house?”

“We’re fugitives getting information from a secret government machine John. The last thing we need is publicity. You must protect Miss Angelis, but you have to do it without giving her any more proof that the man in the suit exists.”

“When I do it in the park, people look at me funny.”

The High Road
Flashbacks to 2004 show adulterous Nathan (Brett Cullen) calling Finch an introvert and the machine setting the emotionally annoyed Finch and Grace (Carrie Preston) up on a meet cute. Meanwhile the polemical Reese and Zoe (Paige Turco of ‘The 100’) pretend to be a couple as they look into a hardware store owner and his wife (Alicia Witt of ‘Urban Legend’) in the burbs. Some old buddies of the hardware store owner have shown up and they’re brutal and lack morals. This was not assiduously boring but was not that interesting either.
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Arbella + The Best Horror of the Year Volume Six, part 1

Arbella: England’s Lost Queen by Sarah Gristwood
This biography covers the contumacious life and death of Arbella Stuart: niece to Mary, Queen of Scots, granddaughter of Bess of Hardwick and cousin of James I. She was born and bred in the sure and certain hope she would inherit her cousin Elizabeth I’s throne. Instead her fate was instead to die squalidly on hunger strike while imprisoned in the Tower of London. This is an excellent biography of a woman who had the ill-judgement of her aunt and no luck at all. She was prone to illness, damned as a near-hysteric and her royal blood and ill-timed ambitions disqualified her from living the life she wanted or even mattering during the twilight of Elizabeth I’s reign and the beginning of James I’s reign. Still she managed to make a mark until she was erased for flouting the will of the vile James I who never trusted her and seemed to hate her. He arranged her exclusion, imprisonment and death and Elizabeth I ignored her. This was a must read.

Best Lines:
“That beast Waad.”

“Much was unusual about Arbella’s captivity.”

“Very good bread rolls,”

“King, Court and Council forgot her all too happily.”

“Continues crackt in her brain.”

“Her career had been a series of mistakes.”

“It was never wise to cross a countess of Shrewsbury.”

The Best Horror of the Year Volume Six edited by Ellen Datlow, part 1
The cover of this year’s anthology is terrible.

I read this in ‘Black Static’ magazine and I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. A man looks up an old acquaintance for revenge. This was obvious.

Mr. Splitfoot
A tale of the foul blasphemy of the Modern Spiritualism movement as told by one of two infamous sisters. Very good.

The Good Husband
A man tires of his Black Hole of neediness wife and ignores her suicide. Then she re-animates as a zombie. Mediocre.

The Tiger
This is a ridiculous terrible tale of demon worshipping child molesters or something.

The House On Cobb Street
This is an excellent creepy tale of a ‘haunted’ house.

The Soul In The Bell Jar
A tale of filthy creation in an AU world. Okay.

Best Lines:
“You’ll freeze in the Abyss! Forever and ever! The second Ghost Scroll says -”
“Don’t quote scripture at me, girl it’s tiresome.”

Call Out
A vet is called to an unusual birth. Okay.

The Tiny Flutter Of The Heart I Used To Call Love
A boring tale of a crazy family and their sacrifices. This was so self-consciously arty it was painful.