July 6th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Mr Jones’ (2013) trailer
This trailer promises scares as a couple encounter an infamous totem artist in the woods. This looked freaky, this lies. All the best bits are in the trailer.

Best Lines:
“You need to stop.”

“Don’t look for him.”

‘Our Girl’ promo
So the BBC has made it into a series? Maybe.

Sky One was supposed to make two more ‘Discworld’ miniseries - where are they?

I didn’t get ‘Angel & Faith’ season 10 Issue 4 - it was all fights and Amy, groan.

I will review ‘Deadly Curiosities’, ‘Only Ever Yours’, ‘Impact’, ’The Conspiracy’, 'A Season in Carcosa' and ‘The Rose of Sebastopol‘.

No review of ‘Frozen Charlotte’ just yet.

I am reading ‘Eat My Heart Out’.

Barbecue Popchips = okay.

‘Emmerdale’ Quotes:
“What’s he doing in Hull?”
“I’m going to go with drinking and erm, fighting.”

“They always end up getting murdered.”

“Jet from ‘Gladiators’, she could chase me up that wall anytime.”

‘Fantastic Four’ Quotes:
“Dying, that’s bad right?”

“You guys look like an 80s rock band.”

‘Eat My Heart Out’ Quotes:
“Saw two white swans, their necks gracefully arched together, swimming in perfect symmetry. They looked utterly in love. When I got closer, I realised that they weren’t swans at all - just two white plastic bags, floating aimlessly across the freezing water.”

“Michel the sous-chef was simulating an ecstatic kind of anal sex with a skinned rabbit on the stainless steel cooker.”

“She reeked of a celebrity-endorsed perfume.”
Scary Books

Crisis 1x11 Reviewed

Best Laid Plans
The First Lady whines. Finley enters the mansion. Needy Beth Ann whines like a faulty burglar alarm - remember when she had promise as a character? Suzy is a moron and a squawking idiot. She needs to drink battery acid. The kidnappers are boors, the FBI are useless and Gibson is obsequious and a professional house guest. Buddy finds his son, who is one of the super soldiers. Gibson activates said super solider. Neither have moral agency.

TPTB have trenchant opposition to logic and all promise has been squandered. Meg is scum as she acts as a mouthpiece for Gibson. The First Son is a prat. Suzy is an impediment. The thug kidnapper has a dispute with Finley. Gibson taunts. This was tawdry and ablated. The CIA director gives worthless assurances. Then he is placed under undue distress leading to reputational implications. Gibson is an unfettered ass, he orders his stupid notebooks destroyed and stages fake heroics to fool the world and Finley. Jonas asks questions, Amber is released and this was craptastic.

Best Lines:
“How you doing?”
“Better than you.”

“A neo-Nazi with a cooler full of blood and half a brick of C4.”

“There’s no going back.”

“Stop that ambulance!”

“Why are you afraid of me Sir?”

“I don’t feel anything about any of them.”

“No-one cares about you!”

“Why are you still here?”

“You shot him with a real bullet!”
“Why would I shoot him with a fake one?”
“Why would you shoot him at all?”
“He told me to.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Mr Jones + Sanctum

Mr. Jones (2013)
The trailer for this was really good. IT LIED! A couple lacking in strategic wit head into the countryside because the obsequious husband Scott wants to make a documentary about something. His maladministration infuriates as he stops taking his meds to the annoyance of his meek wife Penny. Scott is a profoundly corrosive, disengaged, under-achieving tool with no intellectual responsibility. He cannot conceptualise how his pathologising insouciance and callow fecklessness annoys.

The couple find a house nearby, the appalling Scott breaks into the creeper’s house and finds unsettling stuff in the basement which reveals that the creeper is famed totem artist Mr Jones. They plan a coffee table book or something. Penny gets clarity of intention, Scott heads to NY to interview random street ass about the portentously weird Mr Jones. Is Mr Jones misunderstood and misrepresented or is there something creepy about his creepy ‘art’? Why is Mr Jones either reviled or revered? Faran Tahir makes a cameo. Penny encounters the distinctive Mr Jones in the woods and develops ridiculous moral certainty.

There are knowing looks and various theories about Mr Jones. The couple break back into his house again. They have no concept of graduated response. Who assembled this footage anyway? Scott the poor man’s Bradley Cooper does something moronic leading him to have a prolonged nervous breakdown. This was unacceptably boring and crap. There is endless night, weird stuff happens, the found footage format is abandoned for the finale and there is more inconsistency and inconstancy of storyline. This had promise but was unsolvable crap and I feel aggrieved at being tricked into watching it.

Best Lines:
“Trading in your studio apartment for a bunch of trees doesn’t really change anything.”

“What if you came to the woods to find solitude, only you found out you weren’t really alone?”

“Extreme personality shifts, disappearances, housewives leaving their families and moving into the woods.”

“Don’t look for him.”

“If he comes near you, run.”

“There is a ladder and it goes down.”


Sanctum (2011)
Didn’t ‘The Cave’ already do this? The dude from ‘Hornblower’ and other morons get trapped in a flooding cave while yelling, screaming, crying and dying amidst rising water and heavy breathing. There are hard eyes and a fight as well. They find a way out at one point and ignore it. This was a terrible cliché storm and looked like a syndicated show from 1996.

Best Lines:
“A meat grinder down there.”

“I’m guessing the bats didn’t swim down here.”

“Trust the cave!”

Book Reviews: Justice + Moving Pictures

The Tainted Realm Book Three: Justice by Ian Irvine
Hightspall formerly known as Cythe is torn apart by war as various morons yell, scream, cry, lack dynamism and are unprecedentedly incompetent. Book 1 ‘Vengeance’ was good, Book 2 ‘Rebellion’ was unreadable and this curbs any attempt at enjoyment by being unanimously bad. This turns the saga from fantasy into sci-fi and apparently ties it into other books Irvine wrote which I haven’t read. Tali is subject to sexism and becomes a shame sponge. There is a massive exposition dump to end the novel, the war ends, a new ruler is chosen and a sequel is hinted at. No! This was all terrible, no more.

Best Lines:
“What foul sorcery are you up to?”

“Not being the contemplative type, she had never thought about the meaning or the value of their lives. Now she did, and did not like what she saw.”

“It allows perilous choices.”

“Syrten, who hasn’t had an independent thought in a thousand years?”

“They were criminals, banished to die in the void for an unforgivable crime.”

“There are worse worlds than this. Terrible worlds.”

Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett
This 1990 10th Discworld novel is a tale of Hollywood coming to the Discworld via a tear in reality and Lovecraftian horrors lurking. This was okay if dull in places and not as plot dense as later books and the characterisation of various characters is vastly different to their portrayal in later books. The ‘hero’ and ‘heroine’ bore but this is a nice enjoyable parody of Hollywood and Lovecraft.

Best Lines
“Mattresses tend to be full of life too, and no-one writes odes to them.”

“It is a bit like Hell would be if they shut the fires off and stabled a herd of incontinent cows there for a year.”

“Singing a song with words in it that some of the older and more forgetful wizards had to look up.”

“Tshup Aklathep, Infernal Star Toad with A Million Young.”

“Someone who found employment anywhere people needed to be thrown very hard out of places for money.”

“Victor stared at the murky surface of the broth. Borgle worked on the principle that if you find it in water, it’s a fish. There was something purple in there and it had at least ten legs.”

“Prob’ly tentacled fings that rips your face off. I mean, when you finds mysterious doors in old hills, stands to reason wot comes out ain’t going to be pleased to see you.”

“If gharstely creatures from Before Dawna Time starts wavin’ at you from under your beds, jus’ you don’t come complainin’ to me.”

“As wicked a city as you could hope to find in a year of shore leaves, and seemed to have avoided any kind of supernatural vengeance, though it was always possible it had taken place and no-one had noticed.”

“Perhaps there was some ancient stone calendar, down there on the sea bed, among the lobsters.”

“They’ve got no idea of proper dignity!”

“Overhead the star’s changed.”