July 4th, 2014

Scary Books

Movie Review: Before Dawn (2012)

Before Dawn (2012)
This low budget UK zombie film is directed by and stars Dominic Brunt (aka Paddy in ‘Emmerdale’). An estranged couple Meg the bitch wife and Alex the fat hopeless (Brunt) go into the Yorkshire Dales to repair their failing marriage among the fields and sheep. Meg is obviously having an affair or planning one with a man who has large amounts of money that could be spent on her. Alex is the type who oherwise would have croaked in Blackpool under a fat hooker. After 34 minutes of Meg and Alex bickering, a rabid fast zombie shows up and bites Meg.

There is bright sunlight, the phones don’t work, another zombie shows up and it pauses for dramatic effect before going after the gormless Alex. There are scare chords, kitchen sink drama, Alex has to batter his zombie wife with a flowery saucepan and then another man shows up. Cue swearing, mumbling, emotionally stunted characters who overact like they’re in a lounge act while spewing filth and glaring. This was torpor inducing dullness.

Best Lines:
“It’s what’s going on.”

“It’s the end of the world!”

“She went out and she hasn’t come back.”
“You better pray she doesn’t."

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Honourable Woman’ 1x02 promo
Part 2 of this new 8 part BBC2 drama looks a yawner.

Best Line:
“We know your secret and we know you would do anything we say just to keep it.”

‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ TV spot
Half the planet was wiped out and the apes have evolved. Maybe.

Anyone else recall the 1995 DOS game ‘Mutant Space Bats’?

Spearmint Twist tic tacs = yum.

Yay for there being ‘Sherlock’ in 2015 and 2016.

An ‘Enchanted’ sequel? No.

I won’t review ‘In The After’.

Teen Mom 2’ Quotes:
“You come back here, you’ll be arrested!”

“Don’t show up here, ever again!”
Scary Books

The Honourable Woman (2014) 1x01 + True Blood 6x05 + Hannibal 2x09 Reviewed

The Empty Chair
This BBC2 drama opens with yapping, an assassination via bread tongs and two dumb kids staring. 29 years later one of those dumb kids, Nessa, has grown up into Maggie Gyllenhaal. Cue weird opening credits, a suicide, mumbling, whining and Nessa spewing exposition about how her assassinated father was an arms dealer and how she has changed the family business into a provider of fibre optics. Nessa is idiosyncratic, resolute and an unequivocal nutter. She is made a member of the House Of Lords. Various sour hatchet faced woman loom. Nessa’s brother lurks in corners. Spy Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle (Stephen Rea of ‘V For Vendetta’) has a bitter ex and is being turfed out of his job. He purses his lips and stares. Nessa has secrets which cause her to drink, become hysterical and sleep in a panic room. There is a kidnapping and Nessa runs around dark streets yelling. This was boring as hell, ‘Hunted’ was better than this.

Best Lines:
“Who do you trust?”

“We all have secrets.”

“We hide our secrets.”

“Eli Stern, the sword of Israel.”

F**k The Pain Away
Warlow claims he saved asstrash Sookie from being murdered by her parents. It is a shame the Stackhouse parents didn’t succeed.  Bill shows up to annoy. Andy has only one daughter left alive. Tara swears excessively. All vampires have semi-functional insanity. Willa, Pam, Tara and Eric end up in the camp. Are we supposed to care about the consortium of fawning parasites who are murderers who would attack if they could? Bill’s transformation has him ranting about prophets; he is a silly tennis bum. Flashbacks to 3500 BC that show Warlow’s origins are ridiculous. Jason and Mrs Newlin get it on in radiantly boring fashion. Sookie doesn’t kill Warlow because she’s a moron. The vampires are all crazy and hateful. The shape shifters continue their remit to bore. All the naked asses in the world can’t make this crap interesting.

Jessica proves she is a vampire slut. Eric shouts, Pam is ordered to engage in meaningful conversation and it is apparent that vampires are scum. Terry regresses, Holly stops Andy’s macho revenge mission and Jessica’s murderous activities are covered up for some reason. This episode has all the emotional admissibility of ‘Caddyshack II’. Pam can’t do mimicry of being human, Sam is ad homien annoying and a solider likes she-vamps. Sookie holds a séance and her dead daddy shows up to rebut her stupidity. This was crap and I have no sustained affection for this show.

Best Lines:
“You psycho freak!”

“When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”

“You’re tempting me!”

“Maybe god is Bill.”

“You’re a demon whore!”

“You have defiled it with your vampire loving pecker!”

“You are food, nothing else, not even good food.”

“Pain is a worthless emotion.”

“Haven’t you seen ‘Gladiator’?”

“Ignorance is bliss for a reason.”

“Listen up dead folks.”

“Thanks to you I killed many innocent men.”

“I wish you extinction!”

Where has Jack’s wife gone? Will does his Evil Tastes Good act and Lecter tests Will to see if he’s successfully crafted him into a killer. Will and Hannibal mumble at each other and both advise the FBI again. Lecter wears a silly hat, the brain damaged man from 2x08 shows up and the killer of the week has built a murder suit as he is some kind of killer furrie or something. Ridiculous dialogue is uttered deadpan. Quarry is hunted. Margot Verger is distant. Hannibal is innately awful and Will finally notices how many violent patients he has had. Hannibal manipulated the killer of the week into becoming a cave bear obsessed killer. There is still no mention of Chilton or Miriam Lass. Hannibal sends the killer of the week after Will. But Will turns him into a centre piece. This was a yawn and was desperately lazy, over dramatic, unnecessarily complex and full of petulant whining.

Best Lines:
“Why not appeal to my better nature?”
“I wasn’t aware you had one.”

“I promised you a reckoning, here it is.”

“Somewhere, someone would have noticed this.”

“An animal born in the body of a man.”

“The Verger meat packing dynasty.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Hurricane Punch + The Distance + The Empire Of Time

Hurricane Punch by Tim Dorsey
This 2008 novel sees Serge once again refusing to take his medication. So he and his drug addled pal Coleman decide to take up storm chasing. With a record number of hurricanes set to hit Florida, things couldn’t get any better for Serge. But it becomes apparent that another serial killer is on the loose and this offends Serge on a moral level. So he decides to unmask his rival all the while dodging his FBI nemesis who has finally been released from the lunatic asylum. This is absurdly funny warped slapstick. Serge is wounded by comments he has lost his edge do he goes back to what he does best: killing annoying people in improbable ways.

The Distance by Helen Giltrow
Charlotte Alton is a fixer and a purveyor of information. She is asked to get a hitman into a secure prison to kill an inmate. Cue ulcerous uncertainty as Charlotte wonders who the target is, why such an elaborate death trap has been set up and why the target triggers such an outburst of hatred. She also wonders if the target is really callous, dismissive and deserving of visceral hatred or could it all be a set up? This starts out with promise but quickly goes into vertiginous decline due to the extreme violence, wannabe noir and sheer desperation to be seen as hard and badass. Instead boredom ensues punctuated by bouts of violence for that desperate wannabe well hard noir vibe. Avoid this.

Best Lines:
“They look at this big, clever man with his air of unjudgemental concern, and for some reason they tell him.”

“Get out of here. And if they’re outside, waiting?”

“She was running. Just not fast enough.”

“You think I don’t know what it’s like in there?”

“The only place they wouldn’t look.”

“Back up against the wall, being asked for answers he cannot give, with no one to believe his ignorance and no exits in sight.”

The Empire Of Time by David Windgrove
Book One of The Roads To Moscow. This is a sci-fi tale of an eternal time war waged between what is left of Germany and Russia in a ruined future. Otto Behr is a German agent fighting stalwartly against the Rus throughout the millennia. He thrives on his grim conduct until it all begins to unravel and he becomes unsettled about the impossibility of war ever ending. What is the point of it all? This is a very good bleak tale of a total endless war seemingly being waged over nothing and for nothing. This is an apocalyptic miserable future and I am intrigued.

Best Lines:
“The heathen Prussians eke out their godless lives praying to rocks and trees and demons of the air.”

“One man must learn to become a man of that time in every detail: in look, in speech and in basic mannerisms.”

“The past is an alien country. It is brutal and unforgiving, and you cannot make mistakes-”

“For I am unborn these many centuries, while she, in my time, lies in the earth, long dead, her bones turned to dust.”

“Not everyone who shapes history leaves a mark,”

“Minute by minute what is takes hold, and what was slips from us.”

“For what they were. And what they might yet be.”

“Julius Caesar’s private journals. And lurid reading they make, too.”

“Eternal racial war - Rassenkampf - with Russia. All else can change, but not that.”

“All - all - will be consumed by the coming fires.”

“We get time travel, yes, but at the greatest cost imaginable.”