June 24th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Passion’ trailer
No. Just NO.

‘Black Rock’ trailer
No.

‘Citadel’ trailer
Aneurin Barnard bugs his eyes out as he plays a young widower father cracking up in a decaying town.

Best Line:
“They can see fear.”

‘Utopia’ series 2 promo
No!

Best Lines:
“What have you got a gun for?”
“It’s for shooting people.”

‘Wentworth’ 1x02 promo
This show is crap.

‘In The Flesh’ 1x02 promo
Shut up Jem!”

Snape’s death scene from ‘Harry Potter
Oh very brave of Harry, rat hair and the ginger git to hide as Snape is killed. Oh wait, he’s not quite dead.

Tided up LJ tags some more.

Raffles lived in The Albany and it is still bachelor apartments. Mmmm.

I will review ‘The Honourable Woman’.

I bet Tim Roth feels stupid about turning down the role of Snape.

‘The New Statesman’ Quotes:
“Seems like a nice whippy one.”

“Stupid trollop!”

“Rich sod.”

“Can I come Alan?”
“I’ve no idea Piers.”

“Suspected witchcraft in Pontefract.”

“They’re made out of recycled frying pans.”

“Jump off something.”

“A Bill to criminalise atheism.”

‘Modern Family’ Quote:
“It’s Gomorrah!”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Kevin Costner used to be a movie star.”

“Untent! Untent!”

“Just going through a liberal phase.”

“Honk your Jazz tube?”

“Begone!”

NHL’ Quote:
“A bench clearing brawl.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I am not talking about that.”

“The police officer broke her out of the car.”

“They’re fining us $250 because of marijuana use in the room.”

“I went out and bought padlocks so I could lock Sadie in my house.”

“When I was first pregnant and I was doing drugs, I only used heroin and crack.”

“No crack!”

“I can smoke crack or do whatever.”

“I feel like my mom likes to play the victim in every situation she possibly can.”

“Sarah is now backstage refusing to come out.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Hills Have Eyes II + The Borderlands

The Hills Have Eyes II (2007)
The 1st film was an okay brutal remake of the nasty original. What happened to the survivors of the first film anyway? This film has unnecessary nudity, swearing and sexual violence. The military are on a search and destroy mission after the events of the first film. The mutant cannibals are full of spite, viciousness and sinister ambitions. Jeff Kober shows up for a cameo. Various idiot National Guards wander around to experience psychogeography, perfunctory plot and various terse, bitter and flat events in this repellent spurious sequel.

There is bad acting as the National Guard idiots end up among the CHUDs. The serried rank of the soon to be dead utter a script that sounds as if it was complied by monkeys banging away at typewriters. This is the sort of film that used to be consigned to the reject bin back when there were videostores. Whoever had the idea to resurrect this franchise should have their Hollywood cred rescinded.

The National Guard have no caution as the clarion clan deem them dinner. They find something nasty in a port-a-potty. Designated heroes Napoleon (Michael McMillian of ‘True Blood‘ and ‘Banshee Chapter‘) and Amber fight the CHUDs while emoting at Olympic level, various people are dragged off by the Fell running mutants. There are various successive preventable deaths due to the fact the National Guards have no peripheral vision and keep moving toward the weird noise. The grunting mutants are a nice beetroot hue and their stomachs are graveyards. The National Guards have no sense as they keep wandering off alone shouting and swearing in loud carrying voices as situationist predators stalk them in the murk.

The un-delineated characters scream and engage in incoherent fight scenes. The survivors have an uncertain looking future.  There is no new attainment in horror here. This was better than ‘C.H.U.D.S II’, but not by much. This was mediocre gore.

Best Lines:
“A stunning display of individual and group stupidity.”

“You are not Rambo resurrected.”

“If I had some steak on a string you’d move real fast.”

“Private crackhead!”

“You will take your dumps behind the cactus with the scorpions! Do you understand me?”

“Stupid bats!”

“We can fight em with rocks and rifle butts if we have to.”

“Sh#t man the barbarian!”

“They’re here.”
“Who’s they?”

“Private crackhead, fish it out.”

“I’m not sure God knows anything about this place.”

~
The Borderlands (2013)
This UK found footage horror film is absolute crap. Two hipster Vatican investigators show up a remote isolated church to investigate an odd event. The fat sexists wander around talking too much while acting like they’re in a ‘Little and Large’ skit. There is yap about Satanists. The priest is a cut-price Arthur Darvill type. The investigators observe and report and then the 3rd annoying investigator shows up. This was worse than ‘Hollow’.

There are weird noises in the medieval church, a dog lurks and the camera shakes in vintage ‘NYPD Blue’ fashion. There is a journal, radio mics and utterly ineffective characters who speak badly and this film is terrible. The characters fall over backwards to annoy. It is quite depressing how useless and bad this is. The morons are not up to the job and this is weak weak weak. The characters engage in conduct endangering life. They are meddling interfering idiots who whinge and are too dumb to do anything right. There is a suicide, a moron punches a hoodie, there is a silly pub brawl and yelling.  The trailer for this promised scares and was very misleading. Evil has a new form my arse.

The objectionable idiots are not attentive. Then the 4th investigator shows up. There is no spontaneity and they disagree loudly and their preconsigned ideas lead to trouble. Who complied this footage anyway?  This has an inconsistent tone and bad acting. Then the morons make a discovery under the church. A few scenes manage to get imbibed with dread but the ending filmed in 95% darkness with yelling and moronic decisions is laughably stupid. Avoid this inane crap.

Best Lines:
“It’s like the Middle Ages.”

“Do you mind if I smoke?”
“Yes.”

“Dude, even so.”

“He looks like an agreeable local bumpkin type.”

“Pointy building with a spire on top?”

“Good luck with Edward Woodward!”

“Can you smell that?”
“It’s cows.”
“I hate cows.”

“This village, a painted façade. He lies beneath, ever hungrier for souls.”

“Dude, that was unnecessary.”

“The church used to be a pagan temple?”

“What is present in this place is older than the church. Older than Christianity.”

“No monsters, no devils.”
PromNight2

In The Flesh (2013 - 2014) 1x01 Reviewed

This BBC3 drama is set an undetermined number of years after a zombie Rising and things are getting back to normal. Pasty Kieren is a cured zombie on medication which allows him to function ‘normally’ and with his flesh-tone mousse and contact lenses, he can pass for human. To a degree. He is leaving the hospital to go live with his family. His vile teenage sister Jem is a loyal member of the HVF (Human Volunteer Force) which was formed during the darkest days of the Rising to protect the remote town of Roarton. The HVF are violently opposed to the Government’s plan to reassimilate rotters back into society.

Kieren looks up the website of the Undead Liberation Army and learns of the Undead Prophet and a drug called Blue Oblivion. He has to take daily medication and there is a Domiciled Care Initiative and the reconfiguration of society is still under way and things are in flux. A Tony Blair like politician is useless in these unstable paranoid times. A Community Care officer gives Kieren’s mother a taser just in case. There is secrecy, shame, a chainsaw and twists. This was good and I would like to see more.

Best Lines:
“I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferer.”

“She doesn’t come included.”

“They must have one too.”

“To the Fallen.”

“Can’t kill himself twice.”

“One of them’s amongst us.”

“Lying bastard Government said there’s no more rabid rotters in the woods, but we know better.”

“Long time no see.”

“Last time I saw your wife, she were in a casket.”
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