June 23rd, 2014


Star Crossed 1x12 Reviewed

This Trick May Chance To Scathe You
It is Mardi Gras, groan. Roman is an ingrained jerk. Emery annoys. Grayson is collaborative as Roman needs help. Emery still wants a relationship with Roman. Castor plots. The students build a float. The Trags continue their adoration of evil. Roman attacks Grayson, a pre-eminent abstention from sense. Drake’s mother attacks him. Terri is a twit, Roman can’t emote and this show is not reminiscent of ‘Alien Nation’ or even ‘Roswell’. Roman is a liability and nobody has any strategic thinking. Roman gets stabbed by Castor and then Castor gets stabbed by Terri. Sadly Roman lives, damn his resilience! There is nothing to appreciate in this stupid show at all.

Best Lines:
“You always expect the worse from me.”

“If you do this, you will start a war.”

“Shouldn’t have picked a fight they can’t win.”

“There all better.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Common’ promo
Another BBC left wing drama. YAWN.

Chilean Miners bank ad
Is it just me or is this tasteless?

The ‘Daredevil’ TV show sounds good.

I am reading ‘One Constant Star’.

Cheryl Cole’s new song ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ is naff.

‘The Social Network’ Quote:
“There’s two of me.”

‘Ultimate Spiderman’ Quotes:
“He is the man of spiders.”

“Annoying cosmic bucket head lad.”

‘Glee’ Quote:
“Urban campers.”

‘Cribs’ Quotes:
“My pimp gear.”

“This pimp’s palace.”

‘Scandal’ Quote:
“You want me? Earn me!”

‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ Season 8 Quotes:
“You think I fear the cross?”
“Might wanna start.”

“I feel a little weird about using a crucifix to kill someone.”
“Yeah, dunno much about religion do yeh?”

“At least tell me they had the decency to go insane.”

“You can’t mean they --”
“Try not to picture it.”

“I’ll buy a race of teddy bears with unstoppable tree-trunk technology over that outfit on a leader. That outfit gets you beat up, is what.”

“She just wishes I’d go away.”

“Buffy, you are the dark.”

“This lint is so Scottish.”

“This is the crappiest sacrificial dagger I’ve ever seen.”

“You’re a chaos-worshipping wannabe sorcerer.”

“Are you evil again?”
“It’ll fade.”

“Twilight is falling. You’re going to need all the help you can get.”

“Where are my mystics?”

“Bring me back a witch.”

“No. Panic.”

“Twilight. Is coming. For all your monstrous spawn.”

“Where do you think your power comes from? Oh wait: You already know.”

“God help us, if you win then you’ll decide the world still isn’t the way you want it and the demon in you will just say one thing. “slay.””

‘Carrie’ (book) Quotes:
“They stepped back from her as if she was plague, but they kept laughing.”

“They were yelling for them to go out the back fire doors. Some did. Those were the ones who lived.”

“Margaret White was before my time, for which I am profoundly grateful.”

“Someone ran past, blabbing that Carlin Street was on fire. Good for Carlin Street.”

‘The Battle for Stonehenge’ Quotes:
“Will there be any Druids there?”

“Those who are laid to rest, should stay to rest!”

“This ground is hallowed to us.”

“It’s a field, it’s organic.”

“You have no escape.”

“The largest Neolithic bronze-age cemetery in the country by far.”

“Nobody was Druids then.”

‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ Quote:
“Very dark stuff, very dark indeed.”

‘This Life’ Quotes:
“You’re a corrupt self serving bastard.”


“I’m off to get some cock.”

My mother ate a Fish And Chip Pie and liked it.
Dark Chocolate with Italian Orange = yum.
Pistachio & Almond cookies = okay.
Salted Creamery Butter = perfection.
Sherry Trifle = okay.
Pomegranate Aloe Vera Drink = lovely.
To Light The Way To Bed

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 10 Issue 4 Reviewed

New Rules part 4
This was co-written by Nicholas Brendon. Buffy only cares about Spike so it takes her a while to notice that Dracula kidnapped Xander. Andrew is stupid and Giles is despondent. Xander is Dracula’s manservant. Dawn has a good cry. I wish Buffy would stop coddling the interloper. Xander is stupid, Dracula undergoes a transformation and an old threat resurfaces. Where is ghost Anya? Where did Tumble and Root go? This was good.

Best Lines:
“Dracula’s got a new toy. He won’t go far before he wants to play with it.”

“I can’t work with your incessant toadying.”

“Something very wrong is occurring up there.”

“Cross it out! Cross it out!”

“And I hunger.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Carrie + The Unborn

Carrie (2013)
You will know her name due to the iconic book, the 1976 movie, the 90s sequel ‘Carrie 2: The Rage’, the 2002 miniseries remake, the musical and now this utterly superfluous remake. You know how this story goes. Carrie (Chloe Grace Moretz) is bullied at school and by her crazy religious nut mother Margaret (Julianne Moore). But Carrie has the power of telekinesis and is about to be driven too far. Sadly this troubled production which was reshot, recut and given a new ending does not redefine the story and is not illuminating or exploratory.

School bully Chris looks like Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ and her friend Sue reads the air. Carrie is on outcast. This remake pays no homage to the book’s quasi-fictional take on the story instead it is a shot by shot remake of Brian De Palma’s version with way too much CGI. Carrie has no expectation of happiness and when she gets her first period in the school shower, Chris and her mean girl posse take salubrious delight in intimidating her. Sue develops a disdainful mindset toward Chris and her constant instigating of trouble and inert navel gazing. So Chris turns to her boyfriend Billy Nolan (Alex Russell), who looks like a 38 year old hustler for help in ruining Carrie.

Margaret has mad religious fervours. Carrie is pleading and self-conscious but gets no reassurances only abuse. Carrie is not safe anywhere. I was unimpressed by this inconsequential and vacuous remake. Chris and Tina are idiots, Tommy is a bland cut price Channing Tatum type, Billy has unintelligent cretin friends and even the teachers’ ferment trouble against Carrie. Everyone save Carrie is fixedly awful. Sue comes up with her idealistic atonement plan which Chris exploits. Chris looks like Wayne Rooney in drag and painted with Ronseal. Chris’ dad isn’t upscale.

Tommy takes Carrie to the prom and they are voted the Ewen High prom king and queen. Then Chris dumps two buckets of pig blood on them. How did nobody smell the blood? The blood dump looks like cherry coke splashing on them and is black. Also Carrie’s prom dress is pink like De Palma’s film not red like in the book. The awful prom goers laugh as the bucket lands on Tommy’s head. They just stand there and then the prom goes to hell as Carrie unleashes her powers. The prom scene is way too short. Carrie was harmless and now she routs all the bullies and enacts revenge by waving her arms around.

All Carrie wanted was inclusion; she heads home killing Chris and Billy enroute. But her mother is lurking with a knife because she sees everything Carrie does as punishable. This movie is interminable and crucially you don’t care about a single character. Sue shows up for no reason and she’s pregnant. Stones fall. The White Commission features for about 30 seconds and thankfully the director does not rip off De Palma’s famous final jump scare. This boring film should not be spoken of again, put it under interdiction.

Best Lines:
“There are no witches.”

“This is criminal assault.”

“No, never again, momma!”

“Let’s go inside little girl.”

“They threw things at me.”

“Go to your closet and pray.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are any of those girls good?”

“It’s too late to go back now.”

“Don’t ruin this for Carrie.”

“Let her have this.”

“What the hell?”

“Run her down. Kill her. Kill her Billy! Kill her Billy! Kill her!

The Unborn (2009)
A woman sees things, boring things. She runs around in too tight clothes whining and freaking out. This film has no aspirations to be good or even tasteful. Gary Oldman shows up. People emote in the murk and this was emblematic of all that is wrong with Hollywood.

Book Reviews: Kindling The Moon + Dying To Win + Cross Your Heart Hope To Die

Kindling The Moon by Jenn Bennett
Sometimes you wish your parents would just stay dead.
This is book 1 in the ‘Arcadia Bell’ esoteric urban fantasy series. Arcadia Bell is a bark keep/magician living an incognito life. She is really Selene Duval, daughter of two infamous occultists and fugitive alleged serial killers. Now people want her parents found, the deadline is literally that, so Arcadia goes on a quest involving an elusive demon, a mysterious murder weapon, a demon lover who practises sex magic, the Hellfire Club and a bounty hunter. This was good, a sparkling tale of magic, baser instincts, entrapment and secrets. It is a shame that the ‘love interest’ is such an old-fashioned dreary unreconstructed caveman.

Best Lines:
“It smells like a brothel back here,”

“I knew Arcadia Bell couldn’t have been your real name.”

“We looked like homeless people who had stumbled across evening wear in a trash bin.”

“You loved me - I know you did. Why did you stop?”

“Horrible, repugnant smiles.”

“Why the hell had my parents drawn down from the Aethyr when they conceived me? Did they even know?”

Who Killed Peggy Sue?
#1: Dying To Win created by Eileen Goudge
One Will Win, One Will Die
This 1991 four part series is set in the small class and race obsessed town of Paradiso. It is the sort of town where the Peach Blossom Festival is the biggest event of the year and the Peach Blossom Queen gets a college scholarship and a Hollywood screen test. The four nominees are: Lacey Pinkerton, the rich racist mean girl who drives a Ferrari and gets Madonna tickets but is regularly beaten by her alcoholic father. Raven Cruz: a poor girl determined to protect the scrublands from having a mall built on them. Kiki DeSantis, Lacey’s BFF/minion who at last is rebelling against the toxic Lacey. April Lovewell, the preacher’s kid who is pregnant by the brooding poor Spike and scared.

Paradiso has one radio station, April’s cousin Hope is seemingly the only person at school with a personal computer (a Commodore) and there is only one industry - the Pinkerton cannery. Various suspects, red herrings and motives are set up as are various ugly secrets in this small town with a ‘Twin Peaks’ vibe. One of four is voted Peace Blossom Queen and then she is murdered. But why and by who? This was very good.

Best Lines:
“We had just seventy-seven cents to our name and that’s only because I checked under the couch cushions before Calvin Pinkerton’s thug kicked us out.”

“Lacey had a feeling that maybe a girl who sewed her own clothes shouldn’t be trusted.”

“Doug didn’t know about the attempted barbecue-fork matricide either.”

“She’d promise him a couple of hours in the backseat of a car in the scrublands.”

“Art is false worship,”

“Lacey Pinkerton, in one way or another, was doomed.”

“Reigning mistress of the Paradiso social scene, such as it was.”

“Lacey had dome up to her on the playground and said, “Get off that swing right now. My father bought it for the school, and I want it.”

Who Killed Peggy Sue?
#2: Cross My Heart, Hope To Die created by Eileen Goudge
April Lovewell was voted Queen and now she is dead. April’s awful poisonous parents exploit her death. Raven wears blue suede ankle boots to the funeral. Lacey wants the Queen vote rerun as she wants the Hollywood screen test as she wants to be a singer. She never sings once, she just has alcoholic parents. The police investigation is inept and almost non-existent. Paranoia is predominant but the revelation of the killer’s identity in Book 4 does create inconsistencies upon rereading.

The Peach Blossom Festival is still a sideshow, there is no CSI and the pejorative Lacey is inculcated with a quasi-Electra complex. Paradiso is a harsh and unforgiving place where many just humbly submit in perpetuity. The malicious Lacey feels elevated with her own air of respectability but like everyone else in Paradiso, she is guilty of stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. Nobody has the concept of free will or individual responsibility and nobody is castigated for their absurdities, vanity, carelessness, self indulgence and undignified refusal to grow up. Lacey will soon graduate High School and her power, dominance and options will be limited and on some level she knows this and is terrified by it.

The reporter Willa Flicker is all egotism and no regret, Kiki wears lavender high tops, a teacher is creepy, Hope is stupid despite being accepted at MIT, Raven is not as transgresive as she thinks as she campaigns for social justice and there is no lamenting for April. Menace shrouds Paradiso as all power resides in the hands of Lacey’s appalling father Cal and his moral blindness. There is more brutalism in the Pinkerton demesne, various characters are lost and bored, the killer is obvious and Lacey shows abject deference to her abuser.

Vaughn and Jess, two indistinguishable dudes romance Raven and Hope. April’s parents have excessive grief. Lacey has contempt for the common good and Cal is not a misunderstood pillock. There is mention of an electronic bulletin board and interterminal communication. This was okay but had silly ‘cliff-hangers’.

Best Lines:
“Spike - a motorcycle-riding auto-shop student who lived in a trailer way beyond the wrong side of town.”

“One of us might be the next one to fall out of a locker,”

“Can you imagine having to be the one to clean that thing out?”

“Can you imagine what kind of sicko stuffed her in there in the first place?”

“Mrs Pinkerton was done up in some thing that poufed in the middle and made her look like a tulip.”

“It wasn’t the first time Daddy had thrown his whiskey bottle against the fireplace.”

“You guys don’t want to have a mall like the rest of America? Is Raven teaching you how wonderful it is to be deprived?”

“Vaughn, remember who your father is? I’m surprised he even lets you into the house.”

“Why else would that man take my daughter to a deserted place at Sunrise?”
“To draw it?”
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