June 12th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Oculus’ TV spot
A mirror posses and kills. Yay!

‘Walking On Sunshine’ TV spot
Hell no!

‘Jersey Boys’ TV spot

‘Crisis’ 1x08 promo

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Were these boys thugs?”

“The prosecutor had it out for their sons.”

“Everyone is to blame.”

‘The Distance’ Quotes:
“Their masters turn over a stone and find something they don’t like.”

“He has the dark, depthless gaze of the psychologically damaged.”

“Occasionally they scream abuse at each other.”

“He doesn’t want to remember her at all.”

Had a gin, honey and lemon cocktail - nice.

Rewatched season 1 of ‘The Walking Dead’: They never explained how civilization was toppled so quickly. Andrea whined constantly. The scenes set in the ruins of Atlanta were good. At Shane’s camp, everyone sat on their asses and only Dale of all people kept lookout. Shane sought validation. If Shane and Rick were friends, then Rick was never a good person. Rick riding a bike and getting hit by a shovel was hilarious. Rick was a joyously thankless ass. There were some scary images. Merle Dixon was an efficaciously awful character in every way. But then all the characters were careless and dumb.

Also why haven’t they tried the smearing themselves in zombie guts trick since? The Rick/Lori/Shane drama with $500 dollar hairdos was undercut by Shane’s face-numbing-awkwardness and Lori being an intolerable frumpy whore. Daryl mocked Dale’s stupid hat. No-one ever wondered if the squirrels Daryl hunts are rabid. Andrea’s sister Amy was as stupid as her. Andrea never stopped talking or whining. The group of survivors encountered in 1x04 have never been seen or mentioned since. Shane’s camp was attacked because no-one was on look out.

The useless Carol took a pickaxe to her dead husband. Andrea drama queened over her zombie sister. The CDC scenes with Dr Jenner (Noah Emmerich of ‘The Americans’) were bizarre. The gang act like face pulling morons. Shane upped his dudebro creepiness even more. Andrea will not stop whining and yelling. I wish they’d all been taken out by the Thermobaric fuel air explosive. This season was insufficient and puzzlingly boring, no ember of hope that it will improve in season 4. They still haven’t explained the how and why of the outbreak. Is there no government structure at all?

Best Lines:
“I would not risk that.”

“The light switch, you see, goes both ways.”

“It weren’t no man.”

“The wrath of God.”
“There is that.”

Watched ‘Being Farrah: A Teen Mom Special’ and what a sly brat Farrah still is. It is imperative that liquid projectiles be thrown at her. Her poor parents and child.

Best Lines:
“She looks like evil.”

“I live without regret.”

On Hollyoaks’: Holly is billy no mates. Jason acts crazy, pops steroids and yells “I’ll have ya!” at a bouncer. Phoebe informs Darren that Nancy is sleeping with his half brother Robbie. Patrick gaslights Maxine and Patrick some more. No-one notices how Maxine went from a gobby chav to dressing and acting like she is in the WI. Grace manhandles Mercedes. Freddie has no remorse over anything, nor does Jason. Dodger hates on Dirk. Jason screams, cries and wants to be burly. Dirk hates on Holly and Cindy. Lindsey lies her way into getting back with Joe mainly because Freddie is diddling Mercedes. Dodger takes his shirt off. Nobody notices or cares about Jason’s precarious mental state.

Best Lines:
“Tell me how I can make it up to you and I will.”
“Start by leaving.”
Scary Books

Ghost Issue #4 Reviewed

The gang look into Elise’s past and learn her idyllic childhood was ruined by a really unpleasant incident. In the present, Elise hunts people engaging in vile dishonest conduct. The interspersing of past and present is okay by the grinding whinge narration bores and Elise’s preternatural revenge for obvious injustices just seems like spiteful delight. I was unconvinced and TPTB are not evoking any mood whatsoever. TPTB have made the phantasmagorical Elise tiresome and infuriating. I would however be receptive to read more if TPTB sort themselves out and stop the corrosion.

Best Lines:
“Why are clowns so creepy?”
“Because you grew up in Chicago post-Gacy.”

“I never forgave myself for not running faster.”
Scary Books

True Blood 6x02 + Hannibal 2x06 + Star-Crossed 1x10 Reviewed

The Sun
Jason realises creepy guy is his Fairy Godfather. Warlow is the dreaded naturally Sookie is too stupid and languorous to notice she has met him. The vampires are stupid as they yell and murder. Bill has visions of Lilith. Sookie walks around in short shorts. Characters are stringently stupid which is not unexpected and this was exorbitantly boring which was sad. Sam is told he needs to come out of the shifter closet. Sam isn’t canny and gets beat up. Jessica makes grossed out noises after a call to the Human Edibles Service goes awry. Andy can’t cope with his quads. Eric proves everything the vampire haters say is demonstrably and incontrovertibly true. More Fey crap happens as Sookie learns she is a Fairy Princess and Jason learns he has no Fey genes at all. Sookie has a last resort power. Bill sees the future. This was of scant enjoyment as TPTB have lost the knack of it.

Best Lines:
“Juicy porn under your bed.”

“That ain’t my GD problem.”

“A tyrant is rising.”

“Where’s it go?”
“To a terrible place.”

Jack finally stops being misguided and starts suspecting Hannibal. Will does perfectly pitched manipulation. Hannibal babbles. A man is grafted to a tree. Jack looks into Hannibal. Will and Gideon (Eddie Izzard) chat as Dr Chilton (Raul Esparza) listens in. Hannibal bangs away on a harpsichord. Alana is pervasively stupid and sings Hannibal’s praises. I’m sick of Will’s visions. Hannibal keeps up his pretence as he and will have a counterintuitive chat. Gideon gets beat down. Chilton coins the phrase: “Hannibal the cannibal.”

Chilton has no competency. Hannibal sees through the indiscreet Jack. The non-prescient Alana ends up in bed with the devious Hannibal overlooking all the insinuations he makes. Alana is dumb. Hannibal grabs Gideon and serves him his own leg cooked in clay and Gideon EATS it. The FBI FINALLY realise Will isn’t a murderer. Instead of at once getting Will let out, Jack heads off to explore a murder hole alone at night in the dark and makes an unexpected discovery. This was ridiculous. I’m tired of Hannibal’s omnipotence and Alana being a fool.

Best Lines:
“He’s eating them?”

“You and I probably sipped wine while swallowing the people to whom we were trying to give justice.”

“He’s in a dark place where the shadows move and it’s not safe to stand with him anymore.”

“Anyone who gets too close gets got.”

“Abel Gideon is a lunatic.”

“He’s not scared. Not anymore.”

“Pointing fingers in the dark.”

“He found him alright.”

“There was no copycat. Never was.”

“Experience in a mental hospital. But not as an employee.”

What Storm Is This That Blows So (What Storm Is This That Blows So Contrary)
Roman and Emery have hooked up. What about Grayson? The Trags pull crap. Drake and Roman are buddies now. This show is not gloriously bonkers, just meandering and weird and full of unfulfilled promise. Roman’s uncle is unlovable, embittered and tetchy. Emery has discomfort. Grayson has psychodrama. Julia is in trouble and the plot is simplistic. Roman snots like he applied too much groin balm and the Trags create a hurricane that puts the school on lockdown. Roman attacks Grayson while tripping. There are various boring romantic dalliances.

The Trags plan conquest or something. I have no enthusiasm for this chaotic loopy mess that is full of nauseating characters. This show is a joke. Emery looks perimenopausal and can’t express any emotion as she dumps Roman. The rawness and affecting angriness free Roman sneers and there was nothing to extol here. This unruly mess is about as deep as a Brazilian blow-dry. Grayson restarts the Red Hawks after nearly being murdered by the Trags.

Why do all the female characters look like worn, ailing, syphilitic prostitutes? Why is every ep so hoary, horrible looking and failed? Why does this show have no compellability? Teenagers living in a hole in a forgotten part of the US have to save the world; you think TPTB could milk more drama from that. But no, instead it is empty wooden soap opera populated by spasmodic characters with no personality filmed in cave like gloom. The Trags plan war against the humans because they’re testy showily bland degenerates.

Best Lines:
“Helping you always comes at a cost!”

“You’re the last thing that I need.”

“If I was, you wouldn’t be alive.”

“For a nice girl, you sure don’t kiss like one.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: Pumpkinhead (1988)

Directed by Stan Winston. This good horror stars Lance Henriksen of ‘Aliens’, ‘Millennium’ and ‘Damien: Omen II’ as Ed, a country hick and loving father who is pushed to breaking point by the actions of the selfish vile city ‘teenager’ Joel (John D’Aquino of ‘Seaquest DSV’).

Inspired by a poem by Ed Justin, this cult classic has a bevy of irredentist sequels. This opens in 1957 with a prologue featuring young Ed learning the dark secret of his scuzzy hillbilly town, the sort that never existed and never will. He hears the Pumpkinhead demon being sent after a man. In the ‘present’, Ed is all grown up and has his own son Billy and dog Gypsy. His wife is dead and his glaze eyed son is an adorable moppet. Naturally six annoying city folk ‘teenagers’ who look about 30 and wear Rambo headbands, hoop earrings and way too much denim while driving too fast show up.

Their leader, Joel, has no moral code as he rides around on a dirt bike looking and acting like a bottom tier pimp. He has an inability to even contemplate anyone else’s feelings or arguments. In a demonstration of his utter irresponsibility Joel runs over Billy albeit inadvertently. This causes Joel no self-revelation instead he runs off, remorse free, bullying his friends into coming with him to hide out at a cabin in the woods. He’s a repeat offender with accidents so he rips the phone chord out of the wall and smacks around his friends and their perms. Why do they hang out with this jerk?

The incensed, stressed and profoundly upset Ed doesn’t take the dying Billy to a hospital. Instead he yells at another hillbilly who has a bevy of barefoot grandchildren one of whom of played by Mayim Balik of ‘Blossom’ and ‘The Big Bang Theory’. Ed wants to know where to find the backwoods witch so he can unleash the Pumpkinhead demon for vengeance. Ed gets directions to the witch who offers scant consolation but says he must pay a powerful price for his revenge.

Ed demands his arcane revenge and looks forward to the undifferentiated duplicitous city jerks paying for their inappropriate acts, silly provocations and indiscretions. Ed ignores all the warning signs and the demon (a rubber monster) is called and starts killing the now guilt ridden ‘teens’. Joel finally comes to realisations about his indefensive dissipation but it is too late. Ed is not mollified or comforted by the ravages he thought a necessity but it is too late. This is an evocative and sublimely creepy movie set 90% during Hollywood night.

As the ‘teens’ die, Ed learns he can’t just change his mind and yells inconsolably. Joel gets desperate. Ed stews on the price of vengeance but has recanted too late. Vengeance is not what he envisaged and the weak Ed tries to save the surviving ‘teens’. The survivors are standing around not doing anything constructive but there is another twist to come. There are no beneficiaries from calling up Pumpkinhead and the full price for doing so is very, very high and is a further cruel twist. Soon enough someone will call it up again and the whole cycle will begin all over again.

Best Lines:
“What about old Mr Foley?”
“He moved away.”
“Uh uh, Pumpkinhead got him.”

“Should I be afraid?”

“Please open the door.”

“Why doesn’t daddy let the man in?”

“Get away from my door.”

“I don’t know nothing about that and I don’t want to!”

“I got my shotgun here.”

“These people can get pretty weird.”

“There ain’t no Pumpkinhead.”

“He’s just a jerk jerk.”

“It wasn’t the devil.”
“It was!”

“An old graveyard way back deep in them woods. My own folk used to bury kin in there. Kin theys ashamed of. Bring a shovel. The thing you’re looking for is in there.”

“God damn you! God damn you!”
“He already has!”

“It’s a thing!”
“What thing?”

“Get off my land!”

“It only kills what is was called upon to kill.”

“You must’ve done something bad.”

“Get away from me and my kin.”

“Nothing can call it off.”
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Book Reviews: The Cats of Copenhagen + Operation Star Hawks 1-6

The Cats of Copenhagen by James Joyce
This children’s book from the author of ‘Dubliners’ and ‘Ulysses’ is short, bizarre and meant to be whimsically anti-authoritarian. Reading it, one wonders if the theories about Joyce suffering from syphilis are true.

Operation Star Hawks 1-6 by Sean Dalton
This pulp sci-fi saga about a Special Operations group who do daring deeds in outer space is wonderful fun. Sean Dalton is the pen name of Deborah Chester. Oddly Books 1&2 are called Space Hawks and Books 3 - 6 are called Star Hawks. No explanation is given for this. Our heroes are Bryan Kelly (hero with tragic past), Dr Beaulieu (testy), Samms (loyal dolt), Phila (lady of war), Siggerson (doubting Thomas), Operative 41 (half alien mercenary) and Ouoji (sentient ship’s cat). Dalton also wrote the crappy ‘Time Trap’ novels.

1. Space Hawks
This 1990 novel sees Kelly head off a mission, get betrayed by the obvious traitor, face the alien Salukan and be subjected to the mind sieve. Operative 41 fancies Kelly’s sister, something never mentioned again. Good.

2. Code Name Peregrine
This 1990 novel sees Kelly and his gang infiltrate the Salukan home world to smuggle a defector back to Alliance space. The mission goes to hell in this very good adventure.

3. Beyond The Void
This 1991 novel sees Ouoji pad around. A squadron of Alliance ships vanish into a void. Kelly and his gang encounter the body snatching Visci aliens. Okay.

4. The Rostma Lure
This 1991 novel sees Kelly and co go undercover on a slave world. But their cover is blown leading to violence, treason accusations and a cliff-hanger. Good.

5. Destination: Mutiny
In this 1991 novel sees the gang under investigation after their disastrous last mission. Operative 41 is a renegade on the run and Kelly is locked up in rehab. But the gang get back together, steal their ship, elude a galactic dragnet, rescue Operative 41 and restore their honour and glory. Good.

Best Line:
“I’ve been screaming at imaginary spiders on the wall.”

6. The Salukan Gambit
This 1992 novel is a nice finale to the saga. The event of Book 2 come back to haunt the Star Hawks. Kelly and Operative 41 get an unexpected task and the humans and Salukans have unexpected rapport.

Best Lines:
“Pompous lout.”

“Had taught her to conceal all things from her voice except pleasant, willing submission.”

“You piece of cowardly dung.”