June 3rd, 2014


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Mega Piranha’ trailer
This 2010 film looks stupid as Paul Logan kicks killer fish in the face.

Best Lines:
“It was giant piranha!”

“They will never stop!”

“Florida is being attacked by giant fish with teeth!”

“You’re fish food!”

‘Mega Python v Gatoroid’ clip
Debbie Gibson (stick insect) and Tiffany (white trash with syringed lips) throw down via some bad acting leading to a cat fight with T&A and cake.

Best Line:
“Gator baiting bitch!”

Tootsie Roll = nice, but what is it?
Traditional Lemonade = good and sour.
Garlic & Mixed Herb Crisps = yum.
Pate on Sourdough bread = yummy.
Georgian white wine and cheese = nice.
Chocolate cupcakes = excellent.

Bill Maher Quote:
“The culture war is over and we won.”

‘Hawaii Five-0’ Quotes:
“How does that happen?”

“Do you think we’re the only ones? We’re not. There are many more like me.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quote:
“The answer is in your mouth.”

“We have no minds of our own.”

“These land apes.”

“It’s his home, forever.”

“Mired in controversy. Mired.”

“If you see the stork what brings us babies, kill it!”

“I endorse this tirade.”

“Our corn on the cob has become self-aware.”

“This is the pinnacle of conversation around here!”

“The boy bands of the art world.”

“They’re all ugly because you’re in them!”

“Write an autobiographical novel trashing the rest of them.”

“Your friend will always be part of our drinking water.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Diane is stupid. Social corrector Finn menaces Blessing. Mercedes shows up to lick a beer bottle. Nancy deduces that Esther stole the exam papers. After many demonstrations that Ste’s parenting is affected by his sue of the sniff, Sonny reports him to social services. Ste has no concept of responsibility. Where is Amy? Tony does not want to know Ste. Tony is ever the nice good guy. Is the drug raid on Tony’s flat not recalled? Ziggy wears obscenely tight shorts to woo Leela.
Scary Books

The Americans 2x12 & 2x13 Reviewed

Operation Chronicle
I missed 2x10 & 2x11. Kate is dead; Paige is berated as spoiled and ungrateful by her dumbfounded parents. Paige and her parents exist in an overwhelming state of mild panic and mutual hatred. Is Paige’s church group really a church group? Elizabeth’s expression is stuck in resting bitch face. Philip is florid, sour, growly and leery. The callow twerp Jared knew what his parents were, somehow. Nina and Stan have fetid, near-camp delirium. Stan’s son shows up for one scene.

Martha stole files and knows her husband wears a wig. Is she really the simpering living disaster area she seems? Philip implicitly assumes she is less conscientious and less effective, but is she? Stan is on tenterhooks over Nina. As for Nina, she contorts and doesn’t know emotional support when it is offered. 80s spy craft is on display. Philip’s wig has a tenacious hold on his head. Martha wants to add kids to her horrendous existence. She’s not a beautiful wreck. This was unwittingly meticulously dull with no tantalising moral ambivalence.

The imperious Philip and Elizabeth derive no satisfaction from their work and there are no witty ripostes as the duo wallow in their critiques of global consumerism. Stan’s wife is going to move in with her lover, she wears a tight slag outfit and seems slightly worse for wear. The Navy SEAL tracks the duo disconcertingly.

Best Lines:
“Back and forth a lot, she had a gambling problem.”

“I don’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths.”

“I don’t really understand the computer stuff.”
“Who does?”

“Where the hell are we sending him?”

“They’d be dead in an alley in a week.”

“One day it’s coming. You know it is.”

Elizabeth’s faded youth and wounded soft quiet quality doesn’t change what she is. Paige is gauche. This was not zesty or cosseting. The duo’s ‘moral code’ unravels spectacularly as Elizabeth can’t reconcile herself to certain events that eclipse her control. She and Philip discuss their interminably unbearable Russian childhoods. They get a man killed, no benevolence here as their spy skills hit a sharp decline. Dark agents of chance, mad behaviour, yakety yak, forced laughter, contrived jollity and grimly dogged spying can’t hide the fact that things are falling apart.

Stan’s ostentatious faking of caring is tiresomely shrill. Incipient lunacy, careless production, easily triggered trouble and an endless torrent of non-edifying agents are in his future. This was commendably egalitarian. The garrulous Paige is inspired by anti-nuke protest. The blowhard Claudia pops up to have one of her ingratiating default luvvie conversations and give unfathomable orders, Elizabeth has paroxysms of histrionics, there is an obliteration of sense and it is the 1980s - where are the perms?

Philip inflicts inner turmoil and small humiliations on the psychologically odd Martha and she has got a gun. In season 3 she might be nightmarishly challenging and Philip will be the one whimpering. Jared spews risible gruff and the murderer of his family is revealed in a way that does not ratchet up the drama. Nina is dismissively treated by everyone. Philip has an inability to lie to his children properly. Plus with all the honey traps Elizabeth had to do. How do they know Paige and Henry are Philip’s?

The pan scourer faced Stan edges ever closer to that psychotic breakdown as he dreams and gibbers. The murder plot that kicked off everything turns out to be banal and the main plot arc of them lying to their children is geologically slow and taking an ice age to unfold. Characters are stoically sullen and meandering in the chintz atmosphere. Philip is gloomily menaced by the righteous Navy SEAL. Henry’s stupid as he spews hackneyed phrases and ritualised observations. Elizabeth goes on and on to Jared about his amazing parents who were never seen or mentioned in season 1. Yeuch. The SEAL somehow handcuffed Philip and stuffed him into a car boot. Philip and Elizabeth despite being handcuffed and Philip still in the car boot manage to kill the Navy SEAL.

Mistruths, obvious secrets, arrogance and controlling behaviour are revealed in brutal fashion. The duo is hypocritical in response. The ending is bleak and rather dull. It failed to be superlative or raw because Jared has the personality of a frozen turkey and was a self-centred, loudmouth, dysfunctional, mean spirited git. Philip and Elizabeth are uninspired and unlikeable as they sit around in the communist era bleakness brooding on the fragility of family. The oafish Stan does a banal betrayal. Enmities are set up for season 3. Especially as the duo are ordered to inform Paige of who and what she really is to set her up to join the FBI or CIA. Philip knows that would only be a destructive influence on Paige, but he has no choice. That is a good hook for season 3 after the bewildering downward spiral of season 2.

Best Lines:
“We know what civil disobidence is.”

“Some stupid children’s story about heaven.”

“If she said one more thing about non-violent resistance, I was going to punch her in the face.”

“Our corkscrew Clark.”

“Where’s mom and dad?”

“If they’re coming back.”

“Until I can get the hell out of this lunatic asylum. Go to college, be with normal people.”

“Drop the wood.”

“Walk! Walk!”

“I didn’t start it.”

“My family was a lie.”

“Great trip, can’t wait to do that again.”

“I would have fought it.”

“You need to tell her who you really are, who she really is, get her ready.”

“She belongs to the cause.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Coma + Ten Little Indians

Coma (1978)
Clean cut girl and boy next door doctors (Genevieve Bujold and Michael Douglas) talk in non compelling fashion as medical techno babble is uttered. At a hospital, a lot of patients fall into irreversible comas. The female doctor asks questions and bad things happen to her. This film connives at its own irrelevance and it invokes impatience and misgivings as it is non-effective at creating tension or interest. Moral turpitude, scurrilous lies, indignity, a creepy coma ward, increasingly depraved acts, outright hostility, murder, denunciations, stony faced nutters, sheer madness and reputational damage are on display. But the moral pulchritude, ire and blame apportion is extraordinarily boring with dated dialogue and it leaves one unfulfilled. There is no social realism as the female doctor uncovers incentivised comas and suffers for her insubordination and whistle blowing against the goblin faced doctors. This was egregiously and appalling bad.

Best Line:
“He’s the wrong man to cross.”

Ten Little Indians (1989)
This is yet another take on Agatha Christie’s ‘And Then There Were None’, this time set on an African safari in the 1930s. There is scenery and a cast of no names and neverweres. Everyone has gone on safari at the invitation of an unknown host, weird dolls are on the dining table and the idiots schlep around being self-obsessed and treating spooky events as whimsy. It must have taken significant effort to set up this painstaking murder trap, but that is ignored. A gramophone record is played accusing the safari goers of murder and promising retaliation and injury on the injurers. This was void of talent and disastrously silly.

This was all bleak dimness as characters vacillate between hysteria and flatness. Oddly they don’t leave, they just sit around and soon they start dying. The murderer is one of them. It is obvious who the murderer is as he’s played by Donald Pleasence. Characters show off cholers, wild idiot behaviour and hostility in the self-enforced isolation. This was meticulously, incomprehensibly crepuscular as the litigious killer strikes. Vera takes a shower. A General stomps around. A spit-take is taken. The guide Lombard (Frank Stallone) polishes his gun. A game of croquet is played and there is bad acting, screaming and the intrusive soundtrack is ripped off from ‘Jaws’. What are they doing with all the bodies? There is yelling, revelations, crying, the killer whips out a silly outfit, Vera faces off with the killer and doesn’t try to fight him off, Hemlock is produced and the ending is ridiculous. Two characters escape, hook up and get away with their crimes. TPTB try to deflect their guilt for a hasty wrap up of plot and disposal of baddie. I abhorred this barely coherent mess.

Best Lines:
“You know what Napoleon said about defeat?”
“I can’t remember.”

“This is strange.”

“I forbid anyone to insult our host.”

“Devil is amongst us!”

“I think we should leave right now.”

“Damn you Owen!”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Bird Box + Border Princes

Bird Box by Josh Malerman
For four years Malorie and the children have hidden in the house, wearing blindfolds to hide from the things outside but today they are leaving. They are escaping somewhere better. It is a desperate, essential journey but also one of continual risk and the evil feared things are not to be underestimated. This is an excellent creepy novel of people forced to live by insane rules in a world gone mad. Flashback chapters to before their flight show how people initially responded to the danger and how they were lulled into a false sense of security. This could almost be a mythos novel as the things that have capitulated humanity into a nightmare existence are never explained and it is never established how they do what they do. This is a wonderful novel.

Best Lines:
“Blankets cover every window in the house. The front door is never left unlocked and never left open. Reports of unexplainable events have been surfacing with alarming frequency.”

“Malorie held on to a pinch of hope that this would all simply go away. But it didn’t. And it got worse.”

“If we needed to secure ourselves.”

“Be as careful as you’ve ever been in your entire life.”

“He’d take the garden axe to you all.”

“A house she only calls home because she cannot leave.”

Torchwood: Border Princes by Dan Abnett
This 2007 novel takes place in season 1. The team are acting out of character and team member James is treated like he’s always been there. Rhys and Gwen have issues in their toxic relationship. Bad things prance around Cardiff. This is not whimsical and it doesn’t invoke nostalgic feelings. The team of incompetents take ages to notice the guilelessly, relatively vague menace in their midst. Add in demented melancholia, deranged people prowling and this has all the interest of grouting.

Best Lines:
“Owen snorted, and then wished he hadn’t, as snorting made his nose bleed again.”

“You’re the best friend we never actually had.”

“Nobody’s here. Nobody comes here. Nobody would come here.”