May 25th, 2014


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Supernatural’ 9x23 final scene
Dean’s a demon, finally. Maybe in season 10 he’ll stop dissembling and kill Sam and Castiel.

'Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return' promo
Not venerable.

‘Mom’s Night Out’ promo
Sean Astin. Bikers. A baby. Not enthusiastic.

Best Line:
“Doing something ugly to your face.”

‘Frank’ promo
No flourish.

‘Bad Neighbours’ promo
Complied of Seth Rogen having undignified things done to him.

‘Edge of Tomorrow’ TV spot
Will TPTB stop indulging Tom Cruise?

‘A Million Ways To Die In The West’ TV spot
Okay, ha!

‘3 Days to Kill’ trailer
Bless Kevin Costner for still trying.

‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ trailer
Marky Mark and the Dinobots. No.

‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ trailer

‘Without A Trace’ Quote:
“Are you smoking pot again?”

‘3rd Rock From The Sun’ Quotes:
“I’m leaving.”
“Thank God.”

“I just can’t have nice things.”

“Mom found all my Playboys and you said they were yours.”

“Giant hovering thing.”

‘The King of Queens’ Quotes:

“Does he touch you?”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“That wasn’t the question.”

“You’re not very good at this.”

“Colonoscopy and I wasn’t afraid to go that far.”

“On her wedding day, people should pay attention to me.”

“What part of that do you not understand?”

Futurama’ Quotes:
“What you been up since you left the orphanarium?”
“Livin’ in a box, fightin’ the shakes.”

‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’ is a stupid title.

Dark chocolate with orange and almonds = yum.
Orange chocolate = yum
Beef salad = good.
Watermelon taffy = divine.
Rhubarb taffy = nice.
Lebanese red wine = yum.

‘Sherlock’ series 4 to film soon?

My review of ‘The Americans’ 2x11 ‘Stealth’ is delayed.

I will review ’The Three’, ’Masked’, the ’Veronica Mars’ movie, ‘Arrow’ season 3 and ‘The Blacklist’ season 2.

On ’Hollyoaks’: Ste’s on the sniff and passed out on the floor looking like a used floor mop. Patrick is angry that Sienna is incompliant and arranges a cruel trick. He lets her think she’s found her daughter and bribes the adoptive mother to lie and say Caroline (aka Sophie) ran away a year ago. Sienna freaks out and Patrick is laudatory of himself. It would have been Katy’s first birthday and only Sinead remembers. Sinead gets one over on the low descent Lindsey and Freddie by at last exposing their insufferably smug adultery to Joe. Freddie, Joe and Lindsey are in shock at the compromising behaviour. The disingenuous and compromising Lindsey scuttled Sinead’s happiness and marriage with no perceptible guilt so Team Sinead! Lindsey has had discomfort coming for a long time. Darren takes his shirt off and sprays whipped cream on his chest to welcome Nancy home only for Robbie to barge in. The comedy - it frizzes. Darren is so stupid it’s hilarious.

Joe punches Freddie and dumps the faithless ho Lindsey. Sandy is on Freddie’s side until Joe orders her to throw Freddie and the ho out. Sinead gets her Emily Thorn on as she targets Diane, Tony and Finn and cries through her huge fake eyelashes. Grace calls Ste a “demented meercat” and calls Sinead Freddie’s “trashy wife”. Everyone’s countervailing opinion is to diss and dismiss Ste and his sniff habit. Sandy is tired of Freddie and Lindsey and their foibles. Lindsey whines and doesn’t want Freddie, the ruffled Freddie sulks. The noxious Lindsey loses her job as Sandy’s is saved. Joe has got his balls back. Sinead inveigles her way back into Diane’s house. Sienna knows Patrick has been battering Maxine. Patrick calls Maxine stupid and orders her to take off her lucky necklace. Maxine learns their unborn baby has Down’s Syndrome.
Scary Books

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 10 Issue #3 Reviewed

New Rules, part three
Xander and Dawn get Dracula to help the gang with the new vampires. Dracula is camp, Andrew bores and nobody feels any obligation to stake Dracula which is a shame as he betrays them. Buffy is an idiot, Spike bores and there are plot contradictions about magic. Xander and Dawn discuss their participation in sexual roleplay in public. Willow flies, Giles acts as an approximation of a 12 year old boy instead of someone who died and came back. Dracula does bad things (duh) and has a concordat with Xander. Dawn’s unease with Xander leads to trouble. Co-written by Nicolas Brendon, season 10 is finally interesting amidst the cacophony of Buffyspeak.

Best Lines:
“Stoker and his damnable book. Manservant, remind me to urinate on his grave.”

“Have your child bride pack my trunk.”

“He doesn’t control the lightening, he just senses it coming. He’s not Thor.”

“The neighbor who practices his Olivia Newton-John drag show all day.”

“I guess when you don’t have to black out the windows you have more pride of ownership.”

“Rob that hooker. You need money.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

It is 2023 and mutants (and humans) have been hunted to the brink of extinction by the Sentinels. Professor X (Patrick Stewart and his ham acting), Magneto (Ian McKellen, looking bored), Wolverine (Hugh Jackman, looking roided up), Storm (Halle Berry, looking tired), Shadowcat (Ellen Page), Colossus, Blink, Bishop, Iceman, Sunspot and Warpath use time travel hoodoo to send Wolverine back to 1973 and the age of lava lamps, waterbeds and polyester to stop Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from killing Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage of ‘Threshold’ and ‘Game of Thrones’). Wolverine has to get the drug addled Xavier (the really annoying James McAvoy), the hand waving Erik (Michael Fassbender), Beast and Quicksilver to help him avail upon the roving Mystique to stop being bendy and murdery.

This is based on the 1981 classic storyline, which has been reworked to make Wolverine steal the spotlight again. This allows for an inter-generational mash up, a reset, resurrections and a sequel set up. The Sentinels look ridiculous, the Nixon look-alike is a Nixon look-alike and Erik stares and waves his hands a lot. How does Erik fly? Has it ever been explained? Mystique shows off dexterity and gets way too much plot time. This was okay, I didn’t bother watching ’The Wolverine’ but this alleviated the foul taste of that film. But where was Moira?
To Light The Way To Bed

Crisis 1x06 +Arrow 2x23 +The Walking Dead 4x01 + Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D 1x21 + Hannibal 2x03 Reviewed

Here He Comes
So ’Crisis’ went on hiatus and was reworked and reshot and then cancelled. Not exactly a resounding surprise. Gibson’s plan is all about exposing a super solider drug or something. Suzy is indecisive and totally unqualified to be an FBI agent. Gibson leaves his choices unexamined. This ep was not rousing, has no verve and it is astonishing how TPTB threw away any interest in this scenario. Kyle tries to implement an escape plan. There is a decoy mansion. Gibson is really pretentious. Jonas and Meg stand around. Jonas has indemnification and a wife he would have left for Meg. The CIA hauls Jonas off and tells Meg who the kidnapper is. Meg is unmeasured. Finley and a kidnapper fight incompetently. This show is at variance with sense and I am not compelled to watch more. Gibson is little Mr All About Me and is obviously unbalanced. The CIA has a hit squad or something. Suzy and Finley have complacency and even a guest turn from Fred Dryer of ‘Hunter’ was insufficient to make me care. Bye show.

Best Lines:
“I’m guessing none by natural causes.”

“He doesn’t seem capable.”

“I drop you down.”

“I got the death penalty coming, so aim higher!”

“What they will do.”

“Extreme measures were needed.”

Shut up with your bitch talk Felicity. If only TPTB had killed Laurel instead of Tommy. The clock tower is blown up. Layla shows up. Roy is cured. Oliver is an impeccable ass. Malcolm isn’t dead and disparages his dead son. Quentin gets internal injuries and may die. Nyssa and the League of Shadows show up. Oliver won’t shut up. Sara decides to run off with Nyssa. Abundant bad decisions are made all around. Roy puts on a silly red mask.

Why is Malcolm there for Thea but never was for Tommy? Nyssa kills Isabel. Everyone lies to Quentin. Laurel and her camel polo coat is in peril, again. Sin is nowhere to be found. The distressed Thea ditches Roy and their unhesitatingly boring relationship to run off with her bad mad dad. Felicity and Oliver plan civil co-existence. This ep was not valid and is a symbol of endemic stupidity. Deadshot shows up to help. It’s all been leading up to this. Layla’s pregnant. Waller pulls faces and Oliver has no regret for driving Slade mad. Sara passes on the canary mantel to Laurel. Piss off Sara. Quentin falls over. Oliver dumps Slade in a supermax prison on craphole island and plans to send other people there to join him. Fascist. Oliver concedes no remorse. Instead he plans to get back his company, despite being poor and needing a job. Oliver is still lying. Flashbacks show how Sara 'died again' and Oliver deciding to kill not cure Slade and ending up in Hong Kong with Amanda Waller and her hooker shoes.

Best Lines:
“Slade’s goons are here to kill us.”

“My psycho-villain dad.”

“Tick tick boom.”

“I pity them.”

“I keep my promises.”

“Either way I win.”

“I’m deciding my own fate.”

“Don’t try to find me, you won’t.”

30 Days Without An Accident
The gang live in the prison, zombies are at the fences and a pig is sick. Carol and the unwashed greasy looking Daryl have a thing. Rick is still too ranty. Glenn and Maggie bore. A horse, comics and petrol are in abundance. New characters wander around. Everyone facilities Rick’s latest tantrum. There is a council. Rick won’t use a gun. Rick runs into a dirty crazy woman in the woods. Rick is the moral arbiter. Annoying kids annoy. Daryl and co find an overrun army camp next to a supermarket. Shame they didn’t check the roof before going in. Reckless behaviour leads to walkers falling through the roof. An idiot gets chewed on and he is just left to die. Yes, the gang are still adamant jerks. The dirty woman is a nutter. My interest in this show has decreased even more. Rick just wanders off. Carol gives the kids knife lessons. The sick pig dies. Then a new character also gets sick and falls down dead leaving to the inevitable happening. Where is the water coming from? This was dull.

Best Lines:
“70 miles of walkers, you might run into a few unneighbourly types. Is it?”

“They eat people. They kill people.”
“People kill people.”

“We should probably go now.”

“Being afraid is what's kept us alive.”

Flashbacks show was Ward was in a juvenile secure unit for trying to kill his brother. Garrett rescued him and trained him by leaving him in the woods for five years. Ward’s family didn’t care. Garrett didn’t care either and got Ward to shoot his beloved dog. Garrett is a jerk. Ward will probably be redeemed in season 2.

Meanwhile the gang sit around in a motel whining. Quinn rises from the ashes. Coulson rants. Garrett eschews sanity. Skye, May, Coulson and Simmons have turned on Ward in a New York second only Fitz cares to redeem him. Coulson is an idiot. Trip breaks out his grandfather’s spy stuff. Coulson and May talk in silly voices and May does unnecessary back flips. This was padding with wooden acting and rapidly encroaching boredom.

Raina and Skye are connected. A file cabinet is hurled out a window. SHIELD have a commitment to being jerks. May is plotting vengeance. Garrett is dying. Skye’s parents are literal monsters. Any burgeoning interest in this show has been lost. Garrett is an unimaginable jerk. Fitz and Simmons are morons and everything they do is a bit of a disaster as they are blundering weirdoes. Due to Garrett ingraining loyalty into him, Ward ejects Fitz and Simmons off the plane. Garrett is rigidly crazy and this was dull and tasted of despair.

Best Lines:
“Don’t trust anybody, ever.”

“It makes me not like you.”

“Sleepy sleep gun.”

“How far back does this thing go?”

“Garrett was the first Deathlok.”

“Stop being weak.”


“I stuffed my intestines back inside, duct-taped myself shut.”

“You lose, we win.”
“You’re dead.”

“Better, stronger, faster.”

Nobody on this show talks like a normal person. As Will’s trial begins someone tries to get Will off the hook by murdering someone, it doesn’t work out. Will’s awful co-workers have no equanimity about deriding him. Freddie lies on the stand about Will and Will’s sassy lawyer dismantles her. Chilton also lies on the stand. The judge is an ass and gets killed too. Hannibal has his own plans for Will and Jack is a moron. Okay.

Best Lines:
“Now death has followed you home.”

“That man is a fiction.”

“You get all scary and non-blinky like that.”

“He ate a girl’s ear. It was in his stomach. God knows what else of her was in there.”
“We should have taken a stool sample.”

Book Reviews: The Mutant Files + Miskatonic University + Authority + The Burning Dark

The Mutant Files edited by Martin H. Greenberg & John Helfers
This 2001 anthology is about those born to be different.

A woman wants to help a homeless man, he tries to help her too but virtue is not its own reward. Bleak.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice
By Tanya Huff. A four year old girl is far more then she seems. She manipulates her playmates (still unable to concentrate or socialise) into helping her commit murder. Excellent.

The Great Deep
Family legends are real. Unnerving.

Paint Box
Annie only wanted to help Cassandra, but her diligence leads to disaster. Menacing.

The Killing of Bad Bull
A slot machine player has too much luck. Nice.

In The Dark Valley
Careful who you love. A newlywed desperately tries to escape her husband and his hometown. Unnerving and disturbing.

Behind His Gates of Gold
A reworking of ‘The Tempest’. Nasty.

Lucky Guesses
A man learns his capacity to be a hero. Sweet.

Mutant Mother from Hell: A Fizz Smith Story
Lurid David Lynch weirdness in a post-apocalyptic society.

Rednecks have gothic secrets. Okay.

Rite of Passage
Mutants are sentenced to planetary exile. Solid.

Art can read the secrets of pennies. Sweet.

Fire and Rain
Never annoy a rainmaker. Brisk.

A tale of acceptance and secrets.

The price for telepathy. Dark.

Miskatonic University  edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Robert Weinberg
This 1996 anthology is inspired by H.P Lovecraft.

Kali Yuga Comes
A teaching assistant (and member of STOP-NOS) goes head to head with a cult of Kali. Good.

Scavenger Hunt
Just what sort of student would want to attend Miskatonic? Hearty.

Black Celebration
Music has a secret message. Creepy.

To Be As They
Love and human sacrifice. Tangy.

Second Movement
A man manages to ruin his life all over again. Bleak.

A Dreaming of Dead Poets
Artists learn the truth of Lovecraft’s work.

Best Lines:
“Inexplicable losses from the student body were not good for enrolment.”

“It’s this or head in the oven time.”

The Smile of a Mime
Two dredominant students open a doorway to a very, very bad place. Good.

The Sothis Radiant
The college’s Sparhawk observatory reveals a horrific secret hidden in the stars. Excellent and scary.

Best Lines:
“Neither did Sparhawk at first.”

“Sparhawk had discovered something so terrible that he went to the federal governed to warn the world.”

“If only he used standard stat charts like everyone else!”

“I understand he died in a madhouse.”

The Play’s The Thing
A vile ascetic teacher bullies his students during their one-man shows. One student desperate to put on a robust performance enacts something he read in a dread tome. His acting turns out to be too effective. Excellent and coldly comical.

Best Line:
“Cold as a breath from a newly-opened grave.”

Authority by Jeff VanderMeer
Book 2 of ‘The Southern Reach Trilogy’ isn’t as good as ‘Annihilation’. Following the twelfth expedition, John Rodriguez is the new head of the Southern Reach. It is in disarray and Area X is still a mystery. Nothing in his lived experience can prepare him for what is emanating from Area X and what is already hiding at the Southern Reach. Notwithstanding a few Lovecraftian hints, the compromising of the Southern Reach is obvious and progressive. But there is no trepidation in his book, nor value either. In comparison to ‘Annihilation’ it is boring and the ending is ridiculous.

Best Lines:
“He wondered if he’d subconsciously been trying to keep something out.”

“What is a box of accusations?”

“No other place safe enough to look.”

“Putting trust in a word like border had been a mistake.”

“Figuring it out had exposed him to something that had then figured him out.”

“Had been manifesting for much longer than anyone could have guessed.”

“There may not be anything we’d recognize out there very soon.”

The Burning Dark by Adam Christopher
From the author of ‘Hang Wire’ and ‘Seven Wonders’ comes this sci-fi/horror misfire. Captain Abraham Idaho Cleveland has one last mission, to decommission an outpost orbiting a toxic star. Once aboard he gets no respect from the hostile marines, so he listens to an old fashioned radio and hears the disembodied voice of a long dead woman. What is going on? What is the secret of the star? Why has the captain’s great victory in the spider wars been erased? This is an unprecedentedly bad novel as idiot behaviour is revered, ass pull plot points stifle any interest and the big reveal is confusing. This is an immense waste of time and expectations and patience. This book continually refuses to be readable.

Best Line:
“Was what kept you from being visited in the night and taken away to somewhere very dark and cold.”
  • Current Music
    Loving Arms- The Dixie Chicks
  • Tags