May 21st, 2014

Scary Books

Elementary 2x23 + Revenge 3x22 Reviewed

Art In The Blood
Why does this show look so muted and soupy? Bell and Gregson have had nothing to do for ages. Holmes is an egoist who can’t see that Mycroft is MI6. Holmes is scabrous, useless, decorative beefcake and the word no is not to be uttered in his presence. He can’t see Mycroft as anything more than a naive rube. Holmes and his moral decadence and monotonic libertarianism is alienating. Mycroft’s handler Sherrington wanders around. Holmes doesn’t really care about Watson except as how she relates to him. He is all disapproving scowls and has monetised shame. This ep was all blasé brusque inaction and Windows product placement.

Watson poses being poised and frigid. UV sensitive ink tattoos are a thing; Watson is misconceived and overlooks the fact that the kidnapping was her own damn fault. She utters a lofty, litany of tremendous crap at Mycroft without uttering a word of thanks. Holmes makes it all about him when Watson tells him she going to move out to have a life of her own. Holmes sulks, a dead man’s ex wife (Emily Bergl of ‘Carrie 2: The Rage’) lurks as does some guy (Jim Norton of ‘Father Ted’). Mycroft’s apartment is numbered 21B and he wears skinny jeans. Watson learns of how Holmes screwed up in his junkie days and Mycroft saved his thankless ass. Holmes has no consideration for anyone. Mycroft and Watson get it on. This ep was bafflingly annoying and strenuously dull. The plot was contrived and Holmes grandstands.

Best Lines:

“I’ve got a nose for traitors.”

“His cover as a clueless idiot.”

“And accomplish what?”

Season 3 ends on a number of idiot cliff-hangers. Aiden is murdered by Victoria so Emily has her locked up in the bug hutch so no-one will listen to her Cassandra truths that Emily is Amanda. We are apparently meant to care about dead Aiden the ostentatious plot device. Charlotte has Jack arrested for her kidnapping, she still can’t act. Why is she exempt from being killed off? Daniel hangs out in the heathen company of Margaux’s brother Gideon. Conrad’s ‘trial’ is inexplicably fast, then he escapes from jail and is murdered by David Clarke. I’ve a sneaking suspicion that season 4 will reveal that the not dead David is the murdering thug he was painted as.

Emily and her gang of fools celebrate David Clarke’s conviction being overturned but was it all for nothing? Victoria sets out deterrents and provocations. Daniel’s palaver is clumsy and empty. Javier lurks having interactions. Nolan has plans for Myclone, has Nolan been bad all along? Another annoying cop who can’t act shows up to be vitriolic. This entire thing could have been unpermitted if David had let his daughter know he was alive. Her commerative revenge was no profound consolation and was unnecessary. David’s return is preposterous.

Victoria’s venal perversity gets her locked up, for now. Dr Banks returns because of Emily’s convoluted demands. Nolan and Gideon plot in potent and non-compellingly punitive fashion. Dormousy Charlotte bores. Conrad keeps up his unabashedly avuncular act even in the interregnum of jail. This episode was ineffective and limiting due to boring infighting and factionalism. Since when did Nolan like Aiden? Since when did they have rapport? Jack the trenchant ass is off to jail due to the notoriously stupid Charlotte. Daniel ends up in bed with a dead whore and doesn’t notice, he is a distasteful nabob. Victoria knows Emily is Amanda Clarke and gets a shovel to the face. Season 4 will be more of the same won’t it? Sigh.

Best Lines:
“You deserve far worse.”

“I’ve just found it, in the toilet.”

“The man that you remember as your father and the man I knew, were very different.”

“I’m fine, he’s not.”

“I despise her almost as much as I despise you.”

“You’re safe now.”
“Am I?”

“You won’t get away with this.”
“Watch me.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Maleficant’ TV spot

‘True Blood’ season 7 trailer
A reckoning is coming, Bill sulks, Jessica whines and Sookie is blamed for it all. Well she should be. A mass grave in Bon Temps? This looks interesting.

Best Lines:
“We can’t go back to the way things were.”

“People blame me for what’s happened to this town.”

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ trailer #2
Peter Quill (Chris Pratt of ‘Everwood’) is the Star Lord. Spirit in the Sky plays over this trailer as a group of loons unite to save 12 billion people from evil. Rocket speaks, Glen Close lurks and Groot sprouts. This looks odd and 80s.

Best Line:
“This might not be the best idea.”

‘Petals on the Wind’ trailer
Cathy faces the grandmother. Bart looms.

Best Line:
“I am not my mother!”

‘Petals on the Wind’ trailer #2
A 60s feel and TPTB will film ‘If There Be Thorns’ and ‘Seeds of Yesterday’. I don’t care about those two. Looks good.

Devon style toffee yogurt = lovely.
Whiskey & coca cola = peerless.
Whiskey & Fanta = hee!
Lemon Curd ice cream = too sweet
Pesto on toast = divine.
Dark chocolate butter biscuits = yum.
Black truffle brie = yum.

LJ are messing around again with settings. Again.

The new Danity Kane song sucks.

There are to be two new ‘Flowers in the Attic’ novels?

My review of ‘The Americans’ 1x10 ‘Yousaf’ has been delayed.

I am reading ‘Authority’.

‘Coronation Street’ Quote:
“He’s a weak, lying fraud.”

‘Endeavour’ Quotes:
“Spanish practices.”

“French letter, unused.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“I recently had to drop out of GED school because I had to go to juvenile detention.”

“I was high on oxys when it happened.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“I die! But come back to life after the credits!”

“Date night! I’ll go change my bra.”

“Bye bye money.”

“That’s negative man.”

“I like that James Bond is ugly now.”
“I like that he doesn’t have any gadgets.”
“I like that’s he’s not good at shooting, doesn’t say funny quips or do any James Bond stuff.”

“A country that’s really just an off shore oil platform.”

“I was stealing with my eyes.”

“I wanted to catch serial killers.”

“Steady stream of animated misfires.”

“Set your guns on kill.”

“My childhood has been un-ruined.”

“Is there a fondler in the neighbourhood?”

“I’m here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation.”

“All eggnog is terrible.”

“I’m down to a kiosk.”

“JLO use it.”

“It’s not mistletoe, just cherries and lettuce.”

“My uncle died in your bed.”

‘Futurama’ Quotes:
“I’m a celebrity! I can kill anyone I want.”

“It’s going totally Kanye!”

‘Father Ted’ Quote:
“I’m putting you on my list of enemies.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Finn gets Ste fired for being on the sniff and this destroys Ste’s friendship with Tony. Finn ho-hoes over his over-worn, rancorous mockery. Joe twigs that Sinead is lying about having HIV and he and Sandy commit the dubious act of looking up her medical records to prove it. It is sick how everyone sees Lindsey as a bastion of frailty to be protected and Sinead as dog muck to be lambasted. Joe publicly spews out Sinead’s HIV lies, she‘s 19 leave her alone! The fetid Lindsey eye rolls at Sinead’s pain. The disconcertingly self-absorbed venal cow Lindsey deserves to be taken down by Sinead. Freddie is delusional. Trevor eats pink wafer biscuits. Sandy’s repulsion and records stealing will probably get her fired. Patrick and Maxine return from Naples and the unhinged, oppressive nutter is bullying Maxine again within minutes. John-Paul finds evidence Ste did kill Fraser. TPTB have forgotten Esther after the big bullying plotline.
Scary Books

Book Reviews: House of Bathory + Sparrow Hill Road

House of Bathory by Linda Laffetry
This starts out with promise; in 1610 Erzebet Bathory the infamous Blood Countess rules over vast lands. But her long-ignored defects of character and frightening number of murder victims are about to be exposed. In 2010, a group of self-absorbed people learn that a sinister death cult is operating, worshiping the perfectly abominable Erzebet and awaiting her return. Sadly the promise is but false hope.

The book drags on abounding in volatile idiots who are self-serving and don’t understand moral values or the choices they make and the consequences that follow. The belligerent baddie the ‘goodies’ are pitted against is an unstable, foaming, ponderous, overblown sybarite who wouldn’t seem out of place in a ‘Famous Five’ novel. The ‘goodies’ are petulant, railing, stolid, banal tools who engage in forced camaraderies and seem to regard running around Slovakia looking for kidnappers and murderers as a terrific lark.

This is oddly similar to the 1990s novel ‘The Blood Countess’ which also encapsulated distasteful subjects and a lowly set but was even worse. This book does not address the theory that the stories of Erzebet’s proclivities were a demonisation tactic used to steal her wealth and the unpleasant consequences she faced were undeserved. Erzebet is a mystifying enigma who indulges in night games, wild sex and up until now has been unaccountable. Cue psychobabble, characters with unfortunate family secrets and babbling about a Taltos. It is all phenomenally silly and disgracefully boring. To read this is to regret it, it is not taut rather an unprecedentedly boring, pandering, inconsequential tale of clinical case narcissists and their unapologetic, garish, deluded trashiness. The entire point of this book is elusive and frustratingly unclear.

Best Lines:
“Barbaric Transylvanian who gives his own sister bastards.”

“Why are you skulking around like a thief? Brush my hair!”

“How did they build straight up from the rock like that?”
“Ottoman slaves captured in the wars,”

“The Hungarians threw the slaves into a pit to die the moment they placed the last stone.”

“You’ll be encased in stone, the stones that have witnessed your wickedness!”

“Now I see murder spread out at my feet!”

“What wicked occupation does she practice?”

Sparrow Hill Road by Seanan McGuire
This spin off from the wretched ‘InCryptid’ novels is good from the outset. Rose is the phantom hitchhiker, source of the all the urban legends. She died long before the empty internet age and has been running from the rapacious man who killed her ever since. Told in a series of vignettes, this is a good tale of an unquiet ghost and her travels on the perilously haunted roads of America. This was nice. What are doom-crows, gather-grims and the kindly ones? We don’t find out, maybe in a follow up?

Best Lines:
“The charmingly named FORK YOU GRILL.”

“You’re just another lot lizard.”

“Snow White never learns not to eat the apple, and her spiritual sister in fruit-based stupidity, Persephone, does the same.”

“The world is bigger, and bleaker, than they ever dreamed.”

“Heartbreak never woke the dead.”

“I was born when the Roman calendar still looked like a fad that couldn’t possibly last.”

“I used to wonder how many bodies were buried there. Now that I’ve met a few of the ghosts who haunt the waters of Buckley, I can say with authority that I don’t want to know.”

“You’re going after Bobby Cross.”
“Bobby Cross needs going after.”
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Scary Books

Retro Review: Growing Rich (1992) 1x04 & 1x05

The Deal Was Dinner
Annie’s parents boast about the wedding. Poppy crashes the Peckham trip to Newmarket and Carmen is left behind. Carmen stomps around in a pink lace dress, pink hat, red lipstick, pearl earrings, opaque pink tights, tacky red false fingernails, purple belt and purple purse plus she wields a green compact. All for 25 pence from Oxfam. She is a resounding cow and a virgin. The driver watches her from a mirror and causes a tractor accident; he has an orange tan and is a scene-chewing ham.

Laura looks like a slob and is an aggravating mass of offence and insults. Carmen’s incessant hostility and berating is vile. The driver ratchets up the trenchant dikats. At Newmarket Poppy runs around in a turquoise dress and black cartwheel hat finding another married man to play with and charm. Ronnie seems impaired as he gets punched again. In New Zealand, Tim’s decrepit mother is excruciating as she grinds the limpid eyed Annie down. The family’s antique heirloom dress is yellow and ugly. New Zealand does not have sliced bread and Annie doesn’t understand why her friends are ignoring her. Annie is unsupported, discontented and under-appreciated.

The driver tempts Carmen with sleazy royalty in the form of Prince Leopold (Jason Carter of ‘Babylon 5’) and an actor. Carmen only wants Ronnie. This ailing ep has no momentum; it is all barren and disconnected. Sir Bernard shows up and his Carmen preoccupation is still unresolved. The driver offers provocation, Carmen stupidly breaks the deal and everything falls apart. Carmen never considers the ramifications of her actions; she just does a rictus grin instead. Woodie has an affair with neighbour Angela, Carmen’s vituperative brother and parents show up and take over her house and Annie is cracking up due to Tim and his grudgingly sexist clan.

Sir Bernard plans to remodel the Fens. Carmen hurls herself at the muddled Ronnie even as he talks non-stop about Poppy and her new job at Peckhams. Carmen rubs holy water on the devil’s bite mark from 1x01. Ronnie runs off to placate Poppy and Carmen will not stop with her compromising, grating behaviour as she cries over her awful job, her nice home being ruined, all her money being gone and how she is unfulfilled without Ronnie. Laura cries over her ill-fit crumbling mess of a marriage and Annie finally snaps when Tim mocks her baking. Annie rants about being taken for granted and being tired. The dreadful Tim is a numb nut with no soul-searching or enlightenment. He’s an ungrateful toad. Woodie gives Carmen a slap, Laura further destroys her marriage, Annie is uncomfortable, Carmen wears a black leaf shaped hairclip, Carmen’s dad shows off his he-vage and Laura has no veracity and dresses badly. Everyone is just so stupid.

Best Lines:
“She really thought all our fates depended upon her.”

“She ruined my father, she killed my mother.”

“Spoilt goods that one.”

“You wanted kids, you got them.”

“You’re sleeping with the driver.”

“I can’t act.”

“You’ll rue the day! You haven’t seen trouble yet!”

“Marriage can be hard. But you sit it out and they wear it out.”

“Never dine with the devil.”

“The serpents weren’t just uncoiling, they were ready to strike.”

“One big non-event!”

“On top of everything else, I’m blow drying hens.”

“I want it back the way it was.”

“Evil is something real.”

“I forgot my key.”
“You would.”

“That’s what happens if you spit in the devil’s eye.”

You Need Your Friends
The driver has visions of a 14th century plague. Sir Bernard wants to own Carmen. As for Carmen? She is looking haggard again. The trio sit around ranting in a tea shop. Laura tells Carmen to whore herself to Sir Bernard so their lives will get better. Then she drags them off to see Mrs Baker. Laura wears neon-plaid and looks terrible. Mrs Baker and Mr Bliss have booked up. Mrs Baker instructs about ‘Faust’ and the devil’s orchestarion of things. Plus the hints that Mr Bliss is an agent of good go on.

Poppy wears a purple leaf shaped hairclip and is harsh, emotive and disconcerting but Ronnie is ever supplicant to her. Carmen takes no responsibility for her part in removing his free-will. Carmen still loves the unavailable Ronnie even as her friends yell at her to become Sir Bernard’s concubine. Carmen stomps around in pus-coloured culottes and walks away from her distaining ‘friends’.

Annie’s dad keeps body bags in the camper van, Annie’s mother is a medium again and Woodie ends things with his rotten arm candy Angela the manic pixie dream girl so she makes moves on Kim and he asks her to move in. Annie’s mother overlooks her daughter’s breakdown. Laura is an exceedingly annoying cow with a lack of lovability. Her rarefied air annoys. Annie is dying of anorexia suddenly and she wears a blue leaf shaped hairclip. Did the wardrobe department buy the hairclips in bulk or something? Carmen loses her job; the driver wears a stained wife-beater and leers. This ep was abhorrent. According to Weldon’s gender politics: it is all Laura’s fault that Woodie is cheating on her. Carmen resigns herself to sexual slavery and Annie wants the witless Tim back. Ick.

Laura gives Woodie another chance, Carmen soaks in her old fashioned bathtub as the driver looms around her house. Then she stomps around in high waisted jeans as Laura shouts down the phone to Tim’s mother. The driver walks through Carmen’s door (he doesn’t open it first) and dresses her up in the infamous red dress, a bracelet and pearls for Sir Bernard to defile. The driver has triumphed, their wills are broken. How will it all be resolved in 1x06? I don’t really care, this miniseries is sleazy and it has been hinted from 1x01 on that the driver is Carmen's father. Eew.

Best Lines:
“Annie home in disgrace.”

“All Carmen’s fault and her stupid stupid pride.”

“Can’t I ever get rid of you?”

“Why do things go so wrong for us?”

“You offer Carmen everything and still she isn’t grateful.”

“I told you so.”

“You stole me from Kim on false pretences!”

“Some cheap jumped up shop assistant!”

“You promised me no more body bags in the house!”

“Rejected bride, who will look at her now?”

“It’s your house.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Once I’m in, I’m in forever.”

“You may have over-played your hand.”

“People don’t die from anorexia.”
“They do, I’ve seen them.”
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