May 18th, 2014


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Postman Pat: The Movie’ TV spot
Sober-minded people came up with this?!?

‘The Walking Dead’ season 4 promo
I hope this is better than season 3 and all its failings.

Best Lines:
“Everything we’ve been working so hard to keep out, it’s found its way in.”


‘X: Men: Days of Future Past’ TV spot
The Sentinels do not look frightening.

‘Victim’ trailer

‘The Man Inside’ trailer

‘The Leftovers’ promo

Revenge’ 3x22 promo
Not caring.

Best Line:
“You are Amanda Clarke!”

‘22 Jump Street’ TV spot
They’re off to college! Wasn’t one film’s ruination of the classic TV show sufficient?

‘Laura Hall: My Battle With Booze’ Quotes:
“She’s been barred from every pub, club and bar in the town.”

“She’d previously climbed a church steeple and jumped off a multi-storey car park.”

“Bye England! Bye drinking ban!”

‘House of Bathory’ Quote:
“The town idiot threw stones at her.”

Peppermint Lifesavers = yum.
Wedge Salad = divine.
Tarragon vinegar = okay.
I really want to try Tres Leche cake.
Sour Apple Candies = OMG.
Chocolate covered Vanilla fudge = yay.
Butterscotch fudge = mfff.
Extra Virgin Olive Oil = yum.
Raspberry & Cranberry yogurt = yum.
Drinking chocolate with whiskey = relaxing.

I am reading ‘House of Bathory’.

So they found the Santa Maria at the bottom of the sea?

No go on ‘Supernatural: Bloodlines’. Ha ha ha ha ha!

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Jason and Robbie’s dad goes out for beer and doesn’t come back. Holly boffs Dodger, no concept of restraint has she? Blessing is transgender. Sienna is psycho-looney. John-Paul gets out of jail and Finn and Sandy are salivating at the prospect of causing trouble for him. Darren is an ass. John--Paul’s prison daddy is revealed as Trevor. Oh and Sinead is brunette.
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Elfie Hopkins + Postcards From The Edge

Elfie Hopkins (2012)
The trailer promised Tim Burton like fun, it lied. Elfie (Jamie Winstone) and her best mate Dylan Parker (Aneurin Barnard of ‘The White Queen’ and ‘The Facility’) spy on the Gammons who are newcomers to the village. The Gammons are emo hipsters and everyone loves them. Elfie dresses like Paloma Faith gone wrong and suspects something is going on. She has self-determination and is reproached by her undeserving stepmother. Mr Gammon (Rupert Evans of ‘Agora‘ and ‘Hellboy‘) mumbles. The local butcher Bryn (Ray Winstone) orates. The excluded Elfie can’t see Parker’s love for her and makes wild assumptions and likes to play detective. She is strikingly annoying, intractable and unreasonable. Mr Gammon is an increasingly virulent dilettante. Everyone is oddly adulatory about the Gammons and their creepy kids. Missing people accrue wherever the Gammons live. The police won’t listen to Elfie’s wild claims about the Gammons.

This was pre-eminently illogical and unedifying. Elfie is stupid and stunned by Parker’s sudden love declaration which leads to a spat. The Gammons strike, Elfie’s dad mans up too late and this was hoary, ludicrous and irredeemably dumb. This film is proof of reports of metabolised cocaine traces in drinking water. The really disgusting Gammons get got. Elfie gets animalistic and stomps around sniffing in the soggy and not distinguished climax. The script is frightful and everyone acts like pathetic foolish shrews. This was shoddy and the ending is beyond abrupt.

Best Lines:
Anger filled testosterone vibe.”

“It looks like someone vomited their clothes onto you.”

“Who do you thinks gonna believe us now?”

“She said we were cannibals. I hate that word, it’s so archaic.”

Postcards From The Edge (1990)
Suzanne a would be actress (a horribly miscast Meryl Streep) has a tawdry OD and ends up in rehab in this fictionalised take on the life of Carrie Fisher. Suzanne’s famous mother Doris is never there for her and never will be. The indignant Doris makes the furore all about her. To keep working and to get insurance, Suzanne must live with her mother. Her absent father is off living a life of models and bottles somewhere else. So Suzanne’s strategy is to stay sober, get out from her eminent mother’s shadow and establish her own bona fides. This has actor cameos, Doris is Cromwellian and Suzanne’s difficulties and search for stability is dull. There are 80s hair and clothes. Oliver Platt wanders by, Dennis Quaid is Suzanne’s sleazy bad boyfriend and a series of humiliations befalls her. This was not substantial and Doris’ rampant alcoholism is ignored as she bats back all criticism. This was tired.

Best Lines:
“Bart does you in his drag show.”

“I can’t possibly compete with you, what if somebody won?”

“I’m tempted to marry him so I can tell people how we met.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Thank you.”
“Except never take drugs again and go to AA meetings for the rest of your life.”

“Everything about you says look what you’ve done to me.”

“Now I just drink like an Irish person.”

“You only remember that my skirt accidentally twirled up!”
“And you weren’t wearing any underwear.”
Scary Books

Angel & Faith Season 10 Issues #1 & #2 Reviewed

Where The River Meets The Sea, part one
Angel ameliorates the fallout from his actions, again. Part of London is now Magic Town. Metal bins just sit around to be used in fights and Angel talks about London having blocks. Have TPTB ever set foot in London?!? Faith is in America working for Kennedy at Deepscan. Giles’ great aunts yap distractedly. Since when does Giles have so much magic? Giles and Buffy fawn over each other. They abstain from greeting or thanking Faith. Giles is so joyous over Buffy, he doesn’t notice the woefully cavalier way he treats Faith. This was crap, probably because the ‘Angel & Faith’ season 9 creative team have been moved to the Buffy comic. I derived no enjoyment from this and the art was ugly.

Where The River Meets The Sea, part two
Giles can’t even say goodbye to Faith, he is too busy fixating on Buffy. Angel is reunited with the transformed Nadira. Angel wanders off to have an internal monologue and hunt pixies. Faith has her first job for Deepscan. Angel meets a cop named Brandt. I’m disillusioned; this is stagnant with no resonance and ugly art. There is no complex plot just crude ham fisted boredom.

Best Lines:
“We’re all standing in a river. Everything flows on.”

“They ate Mrs. Miggins in 2B.”

“Attracting disciples to her cult of crazy.”
Scary Books

Arrow 2x22 +Crisis 1x05 +Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D 1x20 +The Blacklist 1x22 +Hannibal 2x02 Reviewed

Streets Of Fire
Laurel and Oliver are going to hook up again aren’t they? Laurel sums up the obvious. Oliver has less than latent fascist sympathies. Felicity hits Isabel with a van. Quentin gets some fortuitous grenades. Laurel gets to fire Oliver’s hybrid compound bow, Tommy never got to do that. Blood’s ill-defined plan falls apart. TPTB enable Felicity’s laughable behaviour. Things escalate. Malcolm Merlyn (John Barrowman) shows up for no clear reason. There’s no Sin. Sara suddenly shows up to don her ratty wig again.

Oliver’s Laurel obsession needles. Quentin is a detective again and running the cop shop. Malcolm looks like he’s been living underneath a bridge in Detroit lost in a sea of cider cans and the stench of urine. Thea berates him amidst the emotional chaos. Malcolm is not exactly prostrate with grief over Tommy. Thea may have shot her daddy dead. Blood is the least assertive villain ever.

This episode was about as substantial as latte art, this had no credibility and was enfeebled. Sara whines about brutalisation. Oliver has a moral obligation to fix things seeing as it is his entire fault. I’m miffed at how crap this is. Slade circumvents obstacles. Despite TPTB’s insentience, Felicity has no sweetness. Her only contribution to this ep is to scream and earn unmerited screen time. Starling city is a dying entity; also the moody looking cur Roy is still comatose.

Blood is a gigantic moron and earns an arbitrary death. Diggle needs to go away. Things get militaristic as ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ is ripped off. Roy is ‘cured’, there is Windows product placement and Amanda Waller looks constipated. This was terrible and flashbacks showed Oliver’s latest calamitous decision and Sara’s whining and dithering.

Best Lines:
“You’re not invincible.”
“Close enough.”

“I don’t need you right now. Everyone else does.”

“I also teach you to speak Russian.”

“They do not go down.”

“Who’s Shado?”

“Your juiced up jack-boots.”


“I have failed this city.”

“If you tell anyone about my mask. I will tell them about yours.”

“And then Starling City is a crater.”

“I have to think about the people in every city.”

“I lost my name, my wife, Tommy.”

Designated Allies
Gibson is despicable, rotten and deplorable as he manipulates his ex-wife Janice. Suzy and her poker straight hair and fickle whining annoy. The CIA director (Mark Valley) looms. Janice is a sloppy, ill-kempt embarrassment. Gibson’s multifarious plans annoy, he should have grave anxiety as an increasing number of people see though his weak and helpless act to realise he is behind the kidnapping. The hostages are teetering on the edge. Gibson is aggressive and frustrated. There is phone hacking. Suzy kidnaps the soldiers and a doctor from the hospital. The doctor is Jonas, a CIA plant. Suzy is synonymous with carelessness. A kidnapper is ridiculous and pervy. Suzy has an unwillingness to cooperate with Finely. The hostages are morons. This show’s underlying problem is that all the characters are jerks. Finley is a he-man. Meg is involved, yet Suzy keeps this quiet. Various hostages are angry, yelling and cracking up. Hearst the pseudo-disgraced secret service agent promulgates Gibson’s lies.  This was ignoble.

Best Lines:
“We are done with this.”

“They are not coming for them, they’re already here.”

“Don’t yo me.”

Nothing Personal
Maria Hill is a snot about people wanting answers about the corrupt SHIELD. May collars Maria. There are exposition dumps and no eloquence. Trip utters reprimands. Skye left a warning. Ward is affectionate to Skye, she sees through his pretence. Fitz is reactive. Coulson only cares about Skye. No-one is really surprised that Ward is HYDRA. Ward is suddenly vigorously stupid so TPTB can make Skye look good. Colonel Talbot (Adrian Pasdar) shows up. Coulson and Maria Hill are pushy and annoying. Fitz, Simmons and Trip piss people off. Skye abandons Ward, poor Ward so shifty and brainwashed.

Mike shows up, Garrett isn’t that loyal to anyone, Maria Hill needs to shut up, bloody Coulson keeps up the fake death scam for some bizarre reason and I’m sick of him and his personal vendetta. The stupid flying car features in a rip off of a scene from ‘Terminal Velocity’ and the CGI is bad. Any drama this ep ever had was undercut by the stupid flying car. Coulson’s gang hang out in a motel. Coulson learns who was behind TAHITI and that he and Skye will go crazy at some point. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Who or what is a Man-Thing?”

“Impostor homeless man.”

“We’ve had a wolf in the fold the whole time.”

“Ward did this.”

“Ward’s his secret weapon.”

“I vetted Ward.”

“Hail Hydra.”


“I’m not a Nazi.”
“Yes you are.”

“The Red Skull, founder of Hydra, was a big fat freaking Nazi.”

“The cost is far too great.”

“I’m a survivor.”
“You are a serial killer.”

“Maybe they brainwashed him.”

“He is a murderer.”
“Yes he is. Are you?”

“Duplicitous lowlife.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“I never figured you for John Garrett’s lapdog.”

“New plan - run!”

“There is no SHIELD anymore.”

Berlin (no. 8) - conclusion
The season comes to a damp squib ending. The prisoner transport has crashed. Red’s arrested and then gets away, again. Liz’s embroiled in the mess she created. Alan (Alan Alda) lurks and one of the survivors of the plane crash is played by Peter Stormare. You know as soon as you see his name in the credits that he is Berlin, somehow it takes ages for Liz and co to cop on to that.
Meera dies, Red can’t convey straight talk, someone wanted Berlin but nobody asks who that was. Red menaces the Russian ambassador, Red has no resonance anymore. Berlin has a back-story that is a total ‘Usual Suspects’ rip-off. Cooper is dying. Ressler chokes out a guy and does contemptuous nostril-flaring. Red doesn’t know what he did to piss off Berlin. Liz can’t see all the monumental evidence that Red is her father. This was not intriguing or imaginative or pertinent. I hope this show recuperates in season 2. Tom shows up, Liz is a fool and can’t shoot. Red gets away with his crap. Berlin is the big bad for season 2. Tom isn’t dead and nobody noticed the burn wounds on Red? This was a non-event.

Best Lines:
“You’re never going to go on trial.”

“Was she worth all this?”

“How do I know there was a Russian? Besides being able to smell him?”

“Me with this enchanting view.”

“I hope you’re killed in the attempt.”

“I don’t, people do.”

“Then I want you to take care of the ginger.”

“Who on God’s green earth are you?”

WTF is this? A Lars Von Trier movie? A man escapes the human mural coincidently just as the nutter drives up brandishing a rifle. Will’s locked up in a box as the enthusiastic Hannibal cheerleader Alana talks at him and Hannibal mumbles. Will acts deceptively. Hannibal’s shrink quits in deliberately studied fashion. The FBI transcends stupidity. Hannibal is a steadfast crap stirrer and corpse sniffer. Hannibal messed with Will’s head and Will can’t fix himself so he puts Beverly under obligation.

Jack is incensed, Beverly is strident and Will intensifies his attempts to prove he didn’t commit the murders attributed to him. Hannibal dons his murder suit, no one notices. Jack has no integrity and is preoccupied with Will’s assumed guilt. Hannibal sews the human mural maker into his own mural and then prepares, cooks and eats his leg in loving detail. Hannibal’s ex-shrink tries to alert Jack in the devil in plain sight. Jack doesn’t get the insinuation.

Will has freaky potent visions. The FBI investigator orders Will to plead guilty and threatens him with the death penalty as she is taunting, recklessly inaccurate and full of condescending contempt. Will wearily is durable. The credulous FBI just won’t listen. Hannibal’s ex-shrink visit Will and makes intimations but her mandate doesn’t include helping him. Hannibal shows up in his murder suit at her home to kill her, but finds himself at a disadvantage. This was unsatisfactory, it is not bravura just largely vague and the gore detracts. When will the odious Hannibal have accountability for his litany of crimes?

Best Lines:
“I would look just as guilty as you.”

“What I glimpsed though the stitching of the person suit that you wear.”

“Please don’t come to my home again.”

“Maybe you deserve each other.”

“Select patients have taken to urinating on their therapists.”

“There’s not much in there I recognise.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: The Screaming Book of Horror + Moonshine

The Screaming Book Of Horror edited by Johnny Mains
A gallant attempt to return to ill-defined 80’s style of horror.

Christenings Can Be Dangerous
An entitled jerk goes to the christening of his ex-girlfriend’s baby with her new husband. His persecution thingy leads to a theatrical payback. Obvious.

A teen yobbo who is as challenging to live with as possible is one year away from holding up dry cleaners in Staines when he commits a crime that will irrevocably change his life. Okay.

The Swarm
A beach bum has had a realisation about jellyfish or something. Disastrous.

Natural Selection
A famous monster has aims and objectives, bloody ones. Okay.

One Of The Family
An American looks up his extended British family and finds irrefutable evidence that they are all psychos. Good and emphatically funny.

A psycho is hired to play a psycho in a movie. This squandered any promise.

The Christmas Toys
Two yobbos break into a house at Christmas for some robbery; cue a swift and complete beat down from an unexpected source. Okay.

The Quixote Candidate
An odd little tale of movies and madness, the ending changes everything. Okay.

Helping Mummy
A little girl decides to help her tired mother with the fractious new baby. It is a fateful decision. Excellent and morbid.

The City Of Plenty
This is almost like a mythos tale as a traveller gets into difficulties and wanders into a forbidden area. The inevitable happens. Okay.

The Iron Cross
Derring do types fight against neo-Nazis and uncover a long buried secret. Very genteel creepiness ensues. Good.

Best Line:
“I’ll never in my life understand how he crawled as far as he did.”

Sometimes You Think You Are Alone
A lonely woman faces danger, read retrospectively this is a very different story. Mediocre.

Bird Doll
A woman is defensive against a plague. This is an excellently disturbing story with a horribly suggestive ending.

Best Line:
“They passed six houses that had all of their curtains drawn on the way up to the school. There might as well be red crosses on the doors.”

What Shall We Do About Barker?
An elderly landowner and his wife do a favour for their retiring gamekeeper. The difficulties come in the misunderstanding over what exactly he wanted for his retirement gift. This is an excellent deliciously subversive and darkly skewering tale.

Best Lines:
“What was the fish business exactly, by the way?”

“All tastes too, within reason: you know, whips, chains, school uniforms, bananas, dead animals.”

“Knew a fellow once who had a thing about ferrets.”

Old Grudge Ender
This is another mythos like tale as an American writer looks into the brutally abominable history of an abandoned English town. It is a decision that will leave him bitter and numb. August.

Jack And Jill
A man’s exploration of a barrow leads disproportionately to horror. Good.

The Blackstone Dreamer
A couple learn that the exalted local healer is not as benign as he pretends; can they frustrate his torrid plan of attrition? This was banal with an uncomfortably gendered aspect.

An apathetic teenage boy finds no-one will listen to his assertions about the living dead. Excellent.

The Baby Trap
A couple encounters something in the woods. Not meaningful.

The Tip Run
A father and son weekend ritual takes an unexpected turn. Okay.

A man is flustered and then driven dangerously close to the edge as dementia demeans his mother. Okay.

Moonshine by Rob Thurman
This 2007 novel is the 2nd ‘Cal Leandros’ novel. Cal and Niko are being supernatural detectives as Cal verbalises a proliferation of crap. Vampires, Auphe, werewolves, Pucks and word vomit happen. Thurman recycles the same plot in every single novel she has ever written. Feel Cal’s half-monster man-pain! Feel it! Or better yet, don’t bother.

Best Line:
“Sophia’s own knew what she’d done.”
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