May 13th, 2014

Sergio Balleseros

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Gotham’ trailer
A young Gordon (It’s Ryan from ‘The OC’!) and the origins of Catwoman, Penguin, Riddler and Poison Ivy. A young Bruce Wayne lurks as well but is Rachel in this?  The infamous city will be explored and this show looks good.

Best Lines:
“Fear tells you where the edge is.”

“This is not a city for nice guys.”

‘Sacrament’ (2014) trailer
This is NOT the Ti West movie. A road trip goes wrong in this dumb looking low budget film.

Best Line:
“When you do wrong, be afraid.”

‘Elementary’ 2x24 promo
Sherlock needs to take responsibility for his actions.

‘24: Live Another Day’ trailer
Stephen Fry is an expy for David Cameron isn’t he?

‘The Blacklist’ 1x22 promo
Tom v Red, mmmm.

‘Hannibal’ 2x02 promo
This show so wants to be feted.

Best Line:
“The person suit that you wear.”

This is the End’ clip
Channing Tatum pops up as the gimp and this isn’t brilliantly filthy. It is the zenith of crassness and the coarsening of sensitivities.

3 Musketeers bar = nice.

I am reading ‘Fangirl’.

I'll be reviewing season 4 of 'The Walking Dead'.

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“He wasn’t paying the mortgage; he was using the money for hos!”

‘Fangirl’ Quotes:
“There are guys in our dorm who wear cowboy hats, like all the time, even when they’re just walking down the hall.”

“Levi could read (sort of.)”

“Seriously, why aren’t you on drugs?”

“Do you remember when he bought you a laptop power cord for your birthday?”
“That was a good gift.”

“Wandering the grounds nefariously.”

“I have a right to get upset about upsetting things.”

“His chronic gittishness.”

“He’s always plotting.”

“He said it smelled like good intentions.”

“Eggnog reminds me of mucus.”

“He’s probably had sex. I mean he looks like he has.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“That’s what pens do.”

“Were you thinking it?”

“I believe in you yet again.”

“You’re going bad.”

“I was just telling stories to forget me consumption.”

“Dick Fiddler!”

“I’ve stopped taking those pills that keep me nice.”

‘Agent Carter’ is a go. Yawn. ‘Helix’, ‘Person of Interest’, ‘Sleepy Hollow’ and ‘Supernatural’ renewed. Mmmmm. I only care about 'Person of Interest'.
Scary Books

Movie Review: Underworld: Evolution (2006)

This 2nd film in the lucrative franchise opens with an exposition dumping text scroll and then a prologue set in 1202 as desperately pleased with themselves vampires overact and make pointless exposition dumps. In the ‘present’, Selene is in a quandary and needs to escape Marcus, the last remaining Elder. The doleful and scruffy Michael and the black condom clad demented meercat looking Selene wander around with grim determination. Kraven the repugnant villain of the 1st film is marginalised by being killed off in minutes. There is no fairness in this permanently pessimistic world in which everything is blue tinted. Marcus and his pronounced judgy air stalks around being accursed, egocentric and murdery.

The disaffected Michael walks around being impetuous and hopeless. Everything in this film is implausible and rendered so lifelessly it makes you cry. The events of this film may be why humans became aware of the non-humans and were purging them by the 4th film. Michael’s blundering inexperience causes problems, the Sophia Myles character from the 1st film seems to have been killed off by the rancorous bucolic Marcus. This film is not credible despite the blood feuds, crumbling cavernous sets, mythical mythos, frenetic bewildering fight scenes and the torrid yet cold relationship of Selene and Michael. Scott Speedman of ‘Last Resort’ gets his shirt off for the gazers and I’m indifferent to this shambolic ephemera that is uninspiring, emotionally-stunted, soul-destroying, appalling awkwardness.

An old trout immortal contemplates stuff. The irritating couple engage in a rigidly desterilised sex scene, this horrible image is cynical publicity seeking for the hornier lewd persons. Is this when they conceived their daughter who popped up in the 4th movie? After this they visit Tanis the historian vampire who’d pop up in the 3rd film. The scrapper Tanis is puerile and discloses the misreported history of the vampires and Lycans. William was the 1st Lycan and he was imprisoned by Marcus. The curt helpful old trout immortal is Alexander (Derek Jacobi) the father of William and Marcus, but he stays above the fray being curt and unhelpful. A flashback shows Selene as a human. It is all connected somehow cue a loud, unemotive final fight. A farce from beginning to end.

Best Lines:
“We found him.”
“We need more men.”

“The stench of Viktor’s blood still lingers in your veins.”

“Betrayal was something he did very well.”

“No I think not.”

“Disgusting though your brethren may be.”

“The havoc my sons have wrought upon each other and upon humanity.”

“You are unwelcome in my presence.”
Scary Books

Book Review: The Circle

The Circle by Dave Eggers
This is a good novel about technology’s deconstruction of privacy. In the near future, Mae goes to work for the Circle (a sinister smiling Google like company). Soon she is a brainwashed drone, part of a fearsome tech revolution that will dictate the future. The troublingly dim Mae has a sincere interest in the eroding of social rights and the trauma and shame she inflicts on her family and friends as she obliterates their privacy whilst demoralising and degrading them doesn’t register with her. Everything must be known by everyone in Mae's ideological quest for clarity and a virtuous future. The world is going to crap but Mae has no remorse. The Circle is a tool of surveillance and purification and in the view of the superficial self-absorbed hyena pack who work for and use the Circle, this is a good thing. This witty dystopia will shiver the bones and The Circle has no conceptual end-point.

Best Lines:
“They suddenly become ensnared in some terrible sex-porn-witchcraft controversy.”

“Secrets are lies. Sharing is caring. Privacy is theft.”

“She was liberated from bad behaviour.”

“We’ve sent over 180 million frowns from the U.S. alone, and you can bet that has an effect on the regime.”

“How dare they disconnect cameras!”

“You have a right to know who lives on your street.”

“The criminality of privacy.”

“Release the drones!”
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Scary Books

The Americans 2x09 + Hannibal 2x01 + Star-Crossed 1x06 Reviewed

Martial Eagle
Philip and Elizabeth are distressed and pushed to their tolerance levels by their attack on the training camp. Being on team costs them and they take it out on each other and their children despite their unnaturally easy escape. Stan pays for rubbishing his wife Sandra and not treating her with respect as she goes off to explore a salacious emotional connection with another man after listening to Doctor Ruth. Stan is scuppered by this.  Paige is tired of her perverse and tiresomely eccentric parents. This was shamefully bad with no acclamation. People worship at the altar of stealth tech.

The Jennings attend Paige’s church which results in a rage and hatred tantrum from Philip. Gaad is discarded. Stan conveys snideness. Elizabeth is moribund. Events are at a bloody intersection. Paige is freaked out by her father’s aberrant yowling and tenacity. Elizabeth is slutshamed by her fake husband. Result: misery. Still the duo break out more seriously silly wigs and moustaches for a mission. Each side rants about the other’s malicious intent. Gaad is overbearing and deeply unhappy. Stan is dreary. The FBI is defensive and arrogant. Paige stews in sulky bitterness. Stan connects a few dots. Elizabeth carouses an AA meeting. The notoriously sensitive Martha is dazed by a cruel trick of Philip’s. She is under the yoke of self-loathing. Philip menaces the head of Paige’s church; somehow social services are not involved by the craftier churchman. This was tedious and all this fuss over opposing ethno-national aspirations.

Best Lines:
“I feel responsible, Sir.”
“You are responsible.”

“They’re better at it than we are.”

“You respect Jesus but not us?”

“Clean the refrigerator!”

“Nothing came easy for us, ever!”

“I thought it was a Charles Manson thing.”

“Life gets pretty boring when you stop drinking.”

“Is he in more trouble?”

So this has been renewed for a 3rd season. Mmm. This opens with a 12 week flash-forward that shows Hannibal and Jack beating the piss out of each other, Hannibal wins. In the present Jack makes ill-judged remarks and implicit endorsements of Will’s guilt. Hannibal has no shortage of ego and a righteous sense of entitlement. Will is now a bitter and intractable tough. Dr Chilton is vicious and unjust and sees Will as something to be smoothed over and ignored, he‘s recovered from the nadir of nearly being murdered in season 1. Alana is morally offended yet fickle, transient and unreliable. A federal examiner (Cynthia Nixon) pops to bury Will some more.

How will Will escape the malicious charges? Why have all his so called friends abandoned him? Hannibal may miss Will a little bit, after all Will is the closest thing he has to a friend. His shrink is spaced out, sad, inane, asinine and you chafe every time she shows up. Why did Hannibal subject Will to a relentless campaign of systematic harassment, abuse and intimidation? Will carries out a reappraisal of the oily Hannibal. He could start by asking how Hannibal affords his extravagant lifestyle.

Conversely, Hannibal wants to share his appalling barbarism with Will. The FBI barely investigate Hannibal and admit this. The FBI is nauseatingly stupid. Hannibal helps Jack investigate bodies that popped up out of a stream. This ep was tedious guff and bland though TPTB want you to see it as transcendent, edgier and full of iciness. The FBI couldn’t give a damn about Will. Alana cares for Will’s dogs but is irretrievable as a character as she thinks he is mentally ill. Will’s illness has been cured off-screen yet he can’t escape his infamy and detractors. A profane rube is murdering people in a horrible way. Hannibal is a self-obsessed and ruthlessly high-minded shark as he dwells on his profound connection with Will. Dr Chilton is folksy and grandiloquent. Will is forbidding and commanding but the problem is no-one is listening to him as he’s on the wrong side of the glass. Jack is unbearably tacitum and prissy. Will recalls some of the psychological bullying that tarnished his life. Things will get tumultuous we are promised which is good as this isn’t remotely as clever or interesting as it thinks.

Best Lines:
“My bloodhound went mad.”

“I never feel guilty about eating anything.”

“This is going to get ugly.”
“It already is.”

“Probably dead beavers.”

“I am intrigued.”

“Will is my friend.”

“Rotting from the inside out.”

“Putting me in a position to lie for you, again.”

“One can grow to love beets.”

“You are dining with a psychopathic murderer.”

“Memories are all I have.”

“I can’t hear this anymore.”

Stabbed With A White Wench’s Black Eye
This ep was trite and I’m not reviewing this show anymore after this. The trags are tendentious and have no moral legitimacy as they admit their plan all along was for invasion. Then they get disgruntled that their invasion makes humans disgruntled. A sleazy reporter wants a story from Emery. Roman is acrimonious. Emery is not assertive. This ep is not engrossing and is full of inaction. Drake’s plan is destabilising to Grayson (the cute Grey Damon of 'The Secret Circle'). A charity ball is held but brings no camaraderie. This show is depleted and the writing is the detriment. No-one acts convincingly, no-one wants to be inclusive and Drake’s cohorts are morons. Sense is stifled probably because this show is skewed to tweens who can’t even spell sci-fi. The plot is not concise and everything is bogus. Julia is disparaging and my quotient for teenagers with big mouths is done. Belatedly, I’m done and this show is cancelled.

Best Lines:
“Parents like mine.”

"He punches things like a lot."
To Light The Way To Bed

Retro Review: Growing Rich (1992) 1x02

Work Isn’t School You Know
Retro pop songs play, Laura wears too much blusher and she is pregnant after her ill-advised tryst with Woodie. Her dad, Kim, who ran off with poison Poppy only cares for his fish, Kubrick, so isn’t paying the mortgage and her mother is a shrill malingering harpy. Laura’s petulant, Carmen is a bad tempered no talent and Sir Bernard is beholden to his driver who he seems unaware is the devil. Driver wants Sir Bernard to marry Lady Rowena. Mr Bliss obsesses over his horses and the driver mulls on Carmen.

Carmen has no ethical issues with driver’s dodgy antics. Why did he bite her arm in 1x01? This has no nuances. The trio are stuck in Fenedge and are off to the callous job centre in socio-economic need. Annie (Claire Hackett) gets a job as a maid at Sir Bernard’s hotel for 75 pence an hour but no-one will hire the pregnant Laura (Caroline Harker). The pregnancy discrimination is open, blatant and admitted. But as Laura is the least sympathetic character who ever lived with her crimped hair and whining, you don’t care.

The devil is a tit man apparently as Carmen’s bra size is restless. Social services aren’t involved with the pregnant Laura. Carmen wears fingerless gloves in the summer and the driver wears his tight white t-shirt. Ah 1992 fashion. The driver is predatory and menaces the trio with bees. The acting is unsatisfactory. Lady Rowena is dogmatic and a disgusting human being. Sir Bernard is the richest man in the UK apparently. Sir Bernard’s awful housekeeper Mrs Haverill won’t hire Carmen.

Sir Bernard is a perv who likes looking at younger women’s knickers. Carmen meets Ronnie (Wayne Morris), who is the one who got away for her. There is a prolonged scene of statue painting for some reason and a door knocker is truculent. Annie rants about how Carmen is bad and Laura is a broodmare. How is Carmen bad? Being perved over by a dirty old man makes you bad does it? The driver makes Carmen’s knobhead family into exemplary citizens.

This was overwhelmingly bad with bad blue screen. Carmen has zero self awareness as the driver takes her to an endless table in the forest and makes her a deal. He poses and is tawdry. Martin Kemp way overacts. Laura and Woodie (Pierce Quigley) marry, she is disillusioned and he has sense. Annie meets the kiwi Tim (Jamie Foster) at the hotel and falls in love. Carmen is badgered into a date with Sir Bernard during which she eats like a slob and turns down his marriage proposal. The driver reacts badly to Carmen reneging on their deal by hurling around CGI fire, sporting black contact lenses and blowing up a church, temporarily. The roof haired idiot Carmen is doomed by the twisted and vindictive driver. This show is a bit of a debacle and Laura’s voice over anecdotes grate.

Best Lines:
“They need you up there to take no notice of.”

“After Poppy, he loves his fish.”

“You have contacts in amazing places.”

“You can’t pass an exam you don’t sit.”

“Slammed a door so hard, another was bound to open.”

“Nobody could be that wrong by accident.”

“Something dreadful!”

“Naughty, naughty Carmen.”

“What Mrs Baker said, came true.”

“Taken our A Levels, failed the lot.”

“You should never say that kind of thing aloud, in case the devil overhears.”

“Who’s going to do it if girls like you don’t?”

“Carmen, you do know some weirdoes.”

“Nothings going to work.”

“See you later.”
“Mind you do.”

“It doesn’t do to disappoint me!”

“I’d rather work in a chicken factory for the rest of my life!”
“Then that’s exactly what you’ll do!”
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