April 27th, 2014

Scary Books

Kings Watch #5 Review

The gang fight Ming’s invading forces. The Phantom reveals his back-story and makes an unexpected revelation. There is death and the Flash Gordon spin-off is set up. This was okay and there could be more stories to tell.

Best Lines:
“What did they teach you at Yale?”

“They did it.”
“Now they’ll have to keep doing it.”

“For hundred of years there has been a Phantom.”
  • Current Music
    Sail Away - Enya
  • Tags
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Following’ 2x13 promo
Ryan is as sharp as a loaf of wet bread.

Best Lines:
“Or Claire dies horribly.”

“You’ve become the man you hate.”

‘The Family’ trailer
Hee.

‘Outpost III’ trailer
No.

Robocop’ (2014) trailer
No.

Worked on LJ tags some more.

Reviews of ‘We Are What We Are’ and ‘Rush’ forthcoming.

I will skip ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’ because well, duh.

I didn’t bother with ‘Ghost’ issue 3.

‘The Simpsons’ Quote:
“Your backed up toilet of a marriage.”

Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“You ruined me, we’re done.”

“You guys are an embarrassment to me. I’m a good person. And you guys made me sound like I’m a violent piece of crap.”

“That would be a yes.”

“The scissor fight was a big fight.”

“My mom didn’t choose to move, he literally threw her stuff out.”

“Who wouldn’t slap you?”

“Bitch white trash whore.”

“Go kill yourself.”

‘How I Met Your Mother’ Quote:
“Security’s going to rough you up a bit on the way out.”

‘The Island with Bear Grylls’ Quote:
“A poo fish is a fish that tastes like poo!”
Scary Books

Book Review: Tower of Babel

Star Trek Enterprise Rise of the Federation: Tower of Babel by Christopher L. Bennett
The second entry in the ‘Rise of the Federation’ saga was a dull tale. The UFP hopes to have Archer entice the Rigel System to join. But various criminals including the Orion Syndicate stir up dissent. The undercover Tucker continues his work for Section 31 whilst being conscious of trouble ahead. Various lugubrious baddies make verbose plans. Captains T’Pol and Reed fade into the shadows as Archer gets all the visibility and cachet. This was just boring and cluttered with plotting centring on the tentative new UFP. I just didn’t care.

Best Lines:
“It was a little unsubtle.”
“As opposed to Garos’s plan? His is so subtle I can hardly tell how I was supposed to work!”
Scary Books

Arrow 2x19 + Crisis 1x02 + Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D 1x17 + The Blacklist 1x19 Reviewed

The Man Under The Hood
Thea was a lowlife kid high on drugs, now she’s high on self-righteous anger. Oliver and co plan a risible attack on the Queen Consolidated Applied Sciences division. Laurel builds a wall of crazy. Quentin claims not to know who the Arrow is. Oliver has a monopolistic grip on grandiose self-righteousness. Isabel reveals the source of her vendetta. The Queens are almost broke, again. How do they still have stately Queen Manor? Slade invades the Arrowcave and administers an invigorating beatdown complete with gloating contempt to Oliver and co. Behold the monster you made Oliver.

Felicity is ever useless. Laurel comes to some realisations. Thea recalls Tommy, making Oliver look like he has gas. Two idiot guest stars who are obviously being set up for the ‘Flash’ spin-off annoy. I am not intrigued by the ‘Flash’ spin-off, the Flash and his gang are ostensibly annoying. I’m sick of Oliver’s bike and Slade’s scare chords. I’m sick of Oliver being a raucous jerk and his endless endless lying. Laurel becomes a secret secret keeper as she develops a resurgence of purpose. Oliver is really stupid. Flashbacks reveal how Ivo said he made a cure. He would have said more but Oliver shot him mid-sentence. This was not gripping and had no concision. Oliver could have saved Slade years ago but instead dismantled his own life and family, his lies killed Tommy and now they’ve driven Thea away. Why does Laurel continue to wander into bars?

Best Lines:
“The longer the chase the slower the kill.”

“I tried to kiss my half-brother before my real father killed him.”

“What I am is the daughter of two mass murderers. Not one but two.”

“He was a fool, not an idiot.”

“Now he’s not busy.”

~
If You Are Watching This, I Am Dead
Meg is dumb. Suzy declines to believe Finley’s story. Suzy looks like she should be working the floor at a car show not working for the FBI. Suzy is snooty and stuck up. The kidnapped kids have no equanimity. Suzy is all studied retrenchment. TPTB nullify any interest in this show. An ambassador (Faran Tahir) is asked to do something to save his son. There is profligate gun waving. Suzy needs to be ousted from the show. The kidnappers are inadvertently ridiculous. Mr Nash is oddly prudent. The betraying Secret Service agent is not a willing participant. Half the cast have been pushed to the periphery. Everything is wrong with everything. Meg isn’t pragmatic and Gillian Anderson really can’t act. It is inconclusive what the kidnappers want. The fat kid espouses sense. Meg lies. Mr greasy grump is bitingly unfair. Something is going on but I care not. This was neither seminal nor commendable.

Best Lines:
“You may speak when I point to you.”

“All airspace and borders still closed.”

“Back off food stamp.”

“Very not right.”

“We need time away from you.”

~
Turn, Turn, Turn
Things don’t de-escalate as the events of ‘Captain America: The Winter Solider’ play out. Crappy CGI drones menace the gang, Skye is Coulson’s lackey, Fitz and Simmons do not listen and defy conventional wisdom in maddening fashion. Coulson is not inclusive to May. ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ plays unsubtly. Hydra, conspicuously, rise. Fitz and his hectoring tone annoy. Simmons is the world’s foremost whiner. Coulson has a high opinion of himself. All the tech they assembled so far this season is on Hydra’s wish list. Hand isn’t Hydra but she thinks Coulson is as his smug arrogance comes back to bite him. Ward asks Skye out, admitting he is boring. Garrett talks too much and reveals he is Hydra. Coulson’s rank incoherence bores. Fitz has a good cry. This was very good, especially the ending as Ward shoots Hand dead concurrently revealing he is Hydra. Ward is interesting at last.

Best Lines:
“If you waver, you die.”

“Hydra always comes back.”

“Director Fury is dead.”

“The sound outside doesn’t bode well.”

“They hide in plain sight.”

“Hail Hydra!”

“This is you being a psychopath.”

“SHIELD has fallen.”

~
The Pavlovich Brothers (no 119 - 122)
A labour camp escapee is in peril as the mercenaries from 1x01 return. There is muttering about a germ weaponry programme. But Liz is more concerned with Tom. Liz acts like she’s on a satanic sugar high. Tom runs. Red has an agenda. Ressler sees something is going on. Liz is smug and hateful and doesn’t invoke any sympathy. Aram is more useful than Liz now. Liz and Tom fight and trash their house. Tom says he is one of the good guys and that Red is not who Liz thinks he is. This was good. What was in Tom’s safety deposit box? Liz is vituperative and incidental to the plot. But was she right to recoil from Tom? Red is unpalatable and yet Liz enjoys the toxic environment and brutish sub-culture around him. Liz is not the heroine here.

Best Line:
“Your husband never existed.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Review: Blood Ties (1991)

This failed TV pilot was later remade as ‘Kindred: The Embraced’. But it has a certain charm amidst the hokum. In rural Texas the SCAV kill a couple with stakes. Their son Cody (Jason London) escapes. The SCAV track him as he runs to Long Beach to his extended kinfolk. The head SCAV guy has a weird Amish beard, Cody has a blood-amber amulet of Lilith and the sinister synthesiser theme music is good.

Reporter Harry Martin (Harley Venton) chain smokes; it is addiction displacement as we later learn. He looks good despite sucking on nicotine in the middle of the workplace at the Long Beach Post-Gazette. He shows up at the courthouse where his distant cousin Butcherbird Vlad (no really) is acquitted of various forms of GBH. Butcherbird and his Shrike biker gang are an obvious and unsubtle Lost Boys rip-off. Butcherbird cannot act to save his life. Harry flirts unsubtly with the prosecutor Amy. She is attracted to him despite his ashtray breath and family links to Butcherbird Vlad and sinister man Eli Chelarin (Patrick Bauchau). She agrees to attend a family party with him.

Eli and Harry stand around in their baggy clothes having an unsubtle exposition filled conversation. They are related but how is never made clear. The boring Cody shows up and runs into Butcherbird. He likes the Shrikes and their 80s clothes. Robia LaMorte of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ dances around in the background as one of the Shrikes. Amy and Harry attend Eli’s party. Eli’s half sister Celia (Michelle Johnson) slinks around making it clear she is doing Harry and Eli too probably.

Harry drops more exposition on Amy. He and his kin are Carpathian-Americans. Oh and his real name is Harlovan Martinescu. Cody shows up at the party and the menfolk sit around to discuss him and the SCAV. The womenfolk of whom there aren’t that many don’t seem to do anything. Via yet more exposition it all comes out, the SCAV are vampire hunters and the Carpathian clan are all vampires. The family of apex predators are also sex gods apparently as Amy really really wants to shag Harry.

Cody gets way too much prominence as he walks around in tight underpants and learns what he and his family are. Celia climbs up the wall of Harry’s apartment building like Dracula so she can shag him. The Carpathians like keeping it in the family apparently. During sex he bites her, but she doesn’t bite him. Harry is a hypocrite. The SCAV are murdering vampires all over the country apparently. Harry does yet more exposition as he reveals the word vampire is an ugly slur.

The SCAV appear on a talk show, SCAV stands for Southern Coalition Against Vampirism. One of the SCAV is Grace Zabriskie of ‘Twin Peaks’ and she gets to overact wonderfully as a vampire hating crackpot. Cody sees this show and overacts badly in response. This wasn’t profound, it was hokum and the madly mismeasured Cody/Shrike scenes didn’t help.

Amy is beguiled by Harry but she does notice the sheer strangeness of him and his clan. The unattractive Cody is awkward, difficult and makes moronic decisions. The plot veers into mild absurdity as the SCAV drag the infuriatingly vulgar Celia off in a fishing net. There is no philosophical breadth or spiritual depth here. Harry is graceless despite his wise old sage exposition. The rotter Eli is hostile, forbidding, uncooperative and absurdly isolationist. Butcherbird is fatalistic and finds humanity a terrible inconvenience.

The SCAV and the vampires are to fight another battle in their 100 generation feud. But first Eli gets to scream at Harry about how he saw Harry’s mark on Celia’s neck. How did he recognise it? Harry is not reticent about the unpleasantness to come. The SCAV do a drab and silly burning at the stake attempt on Celia in the eventfulness free climax. The only thing Celia does is pop off the buttons on her shirt. Why do the Carpathian women have no agency? The SCAV and vampires fight, Harry rescues Celia. The fight between crackpots and apex predators ends as you would expect. Afterward Harry heads back to Amy who seems to know what he is and she kind of likes it. This wasn’t complex or nuanced but it was fun hokum in places. It could have been an interesting TV show. One question remains: where did Harley Venton vanish to after this?

Best Lines:
“There are people living in those hovels Eli, what about them?”
“Oh they’ll find new hovels.”

“Get a job playing a piano in a whorehouse.”

“It’s starting again.”

“They say she had a husband once but she ate him.”

“We have a taste for the melodramatic, comes from too much inbreeding.”

“Celia.”
“Yes Harry?”
“Use the door.”

“My parents, they were vampires and you, you’re a vampire too!”

“They take your parking places! Your wives! Your jobs!”

“Back foul thing!”
“Please.”

“We know who and what you are Mr Martinesque.”

“That’s the one that’s fornicating with this one.”

“The guy with the crucifix really thinks you’re a vampire.”

“What’s behind all those dark Carpathian eyes?”

“Why shouldn’t I kill them back?”

“We’re taking the attack bikes tonight.”

“They’ll be back by the busloads. Singing hymns. Sharpening fence pickets.”

“It makes us what they say we are.”