April 17th, 2014

Scary Books

Retro Review: Jake 2.0 (2003 - 2004) part 1

Show killer Christopher Gorham of ‘Covert Affairs’, ‘Popular’ and ‘Harper’s Island’ starred in this witty show as Jake Foley, nerd turned secret agent for only 16 episodes before it was axed. ‘Chuck’ totally ripped this off.

1x01 Pilot
Jake has the worlds worst haircut, idealises his dream girl Sarah and longs to be an NSA agent. Instead he is mere NSA tech support until an accident fills him with nanites. Now he’s a secret agent alongside Kyle and nanotech expert Diane fancies the oblivious Jake. This was good.

1x02 Training Day
Kyle has disappeared Jake’s annoying roommate from 1x01. Jake isn’t very good as an NSA agent. Sarah lays plot points that were never developed. Jake defeats a baddie who has invaded the NSA. Okay.

1x03 Cater Waiter
Jake goes on his first mission. Sarah continues to be vapid. Kyle and his old flame (Ling Bai) reconnect on a mission. This was okay.

1x04 Arms and the Girl
Jake is assigned to watch an arms dealer’s daughter. Jake learns she is running the family business herself. Okay.

1x05 The Good, The Bad and the Geeky
Jake goes undercover with hackers in Berlin pretending to be hacker legend Dumont. This makes Dumont declare himself Jake’s arch nemesis, which is undermined by the fact Dumont can’t act. Jake makes out with Yori (Carly Pope of ‘Popular’). Kyle goes on about Eurodollars. This was very good and Dumont would return.

Best Lines:
“You, go away now.”

“When I get out with the sole mission to frag your ass for depriving me of that, you’re still going to be the same thrift store clothes wearing, six dollar haircut loser I see before me.”
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To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Oculus’ trailer
Karen Gillan is in this, don’t you know. This film has a haunted mirror, a discharged mental patient and his sister (Gillan) who is obsessed with the mirror that has killed 47 people in the four centuries of his existence. This looks good and it has a Danny Dyer looking type and Karen Gillan eating a light bulb.

Best Line:
“You must be hungry.”

‘The Following’ 2x14 promo
Shut up Emma, Joe gets knives - why won’t Emma die?!?!

‘Gone Girl’ trailer
Nick (Ben Affleck) smarms as his wife Amy is missing. I’m there, I loved the book.

‘The Bold and the Beautiful’ (1992) promo
Shelia lives!

‘Fargo’ promo
Hee.

Best Line:
“Threw up a bit ago.”

I am reading ‘Lovecraft’s Monsters’.

‘Rachel’s Holiday’ Quote:
“All there was at home was meths for the greyhound’s feet, so I drank that. Next thing I know it was a week later. I’dlostawholeweek, cany’believeit? I’veneverdonethatbefore - and I come to, being gang-banged by a crowd of fellas somewhere outside Liverpool!”

‘The Young and the Restless’ Quotes:
“Maybe we could get together some time with our kids. That’s right I forgot, your baby died.”

“How I hate that woman.”

‘Dogging Tales’ Quotes:
“We can’t really do like a lot of things in Terry’s car cos it’s quite small.”

“Let’s have a play with you.”

“Get em down.”

There will be no review of ‘Elementary' 2x18 ‘The Hound of the Cancer Cells’ because I didn’t care to watch the arduous show which has sadly atrophied inveterately in season 2.

Rose and Pistachio choc = not so hot.
Passion fruit yogurt = okay.
Lime Zest & Black Pepper dark choc = not so hot.
Blueberry yogurt = nice.
Scary Books

Monsters (1988 - 1991) 3x10 + Revenge 3x17

The Waiting Game
This show had cute cheesy opening credits. In this episode, soldiers in Barn 39 are ordered to open silo doors and launch. Cue nuclear war via stock footage. The two soldiers, Tyler and Levitt, survive the war and look out Barn 39’s door at the wasteland left by the nuclear holocaust. They learn there are two other survivors in Barn 36: Garza and Knox.

Garza cracks up and goes outside into the wreckage. Something happens to him out there in the dust and dimness. Knox goes to investigate the scary noise and learns there is something out there in the dark rot and ruin. In a flurry of bad acting Garza comes back for Knox with other survivors. Knox unwisely opens the door without asking what could survive on the scoured Earth.

Knox shows up at Barn 39 and despite Tyler waving a gun, Levitt goes outside for her. Knox jumps the Martin Freeman looking Tyler and reveals she is a vampire now. A master vampire in robes has turned her and Garza into vampires and he has a lot of other followers. Due to WW3, vampires are now the dominant species with no sun and radiation an irrelevance.

Tyler is a vampire now and he wants in to Barn 39 to get to Levitt. Tyler’s persistent as he tries the code to get into Barn 39. He’ll get in eventually no matter how long it takes to get the right code. Levitt looks at his gun and sinks hopelessly to the ground as the crowd of vampires wait for the door to be opened. This was okay, but what will they eat?

Best Lines:
“Even the cockroaches aren’t coming back from this one.”

“Nobody won this war.”

“Nothing can live out there.”

“He’s already contaminated, he can’t come back in.”

“The world is smashed flat.”

“Something’s moving.”

“Something’s outside.”

“They’re waiting.”

“You screamed. What happened?”
“Oh that.”

“You should be dead.”

“How did you survive?”
“It’s simple, I didn’t.”

“Nuclear winter gives us eternal night.”

~
Addiction
Pascal and Victoria talk in inflated speech. Emily’s back in her beach house. Daniel and Charlotte plot against Emily’s friends. Stevie and Jack’s blood ties are made public. It is season 3 and the Graysons have suffered no consequences whatsoever. Pascal bores and stalks Victoria like the boring egotistical self-promoter he is. Victoria is witheringly aloof. Morgan Fairchild shows up for one scene as a ‘friend’ of Victoria’s showing off her awful cosmetic surgery.

The Grayson Manor plot is resolved more or less. Societal perception has damned Emily but she has no grim or desperate anger. Charlotte is drab and dry. Daniel has vehemence as he lambastes the repudiated Emily. Javier plans a web-avatar thing. Daniel manipulates Margaux. Emily and Daniel have divorced off-screen and in between episodes. Emily is boringly unflappable.

There is yet another retcon of Victoria’s past. Emily throws a casino night. Aiden is unyielding and won’t accept Emily’s restitutional hand. Pascal yells with his reptilian grin. TPTB iterate Margaux’s importance, she’s not as scintillating as TPTB think. If Stevie was such a drunk, why doesn’t Jack have FAS? Conrad guilt trips Steive into falling off the wagon.

A crowd shows up for the widely mocked and widely disliked Emily’s casino night. Javier and Charlotte bond. Daniel is a mocker. Margaux is disillusioned. Stevie is neurotic and dispossessed, Conrad is so bad. Victoria and Pascal frowningly, floridly and lustfully plot banally and preposterously against Emily. Aiden falls in though an unlocked door to make a succinct observation. This was a jarring drearily boring mess of stroppiness and bewilderment.

Best Lines:
“Emily Thorne is a plague on our homes.”

“We were already sleeping in separate places. Me in our bedroom and you wherever you happened to pass out that night.”

“Victoria had stolen you.”

“I’m hunting her.”

“Pascal was Nixon-ing you?”
Scary Books

Book Review: Night Film

Night Film by Marisha Pessl
When disgraced former investigative journalist Scott McGrath learns Ashley Cordova has killed herself, he sees it as a chance to revive his discredited investigation into her legendary father. Stanislas Cordova is an iconic director of infamous chilling films who has lived as a recluse for years.

When McGrath previously tried to bring Cordova into the light for some scrutiny and accountability, it cost him his career and his marriage. Now McGrath knows if he can find out why the talented Ashley died, he can undo his wrecked career. But his pestering and disproportionate obsession reveals an ambiguity about Ashley and as his investigation gets notably gruelling and traumatic McGrath is sure all his suspicions about Cordova will finally be validated.

Discrepancies, evasions and fan epistles build a disturbing picture of ritualistic cruelty, lack of authorial distance and hints of terrible darkness that the indomitable McGrath cannot rationalise. His quest makes him petulant, hysterical and beyond reckless and he will do anything and risk anything to drag Cordova into the harsh light of day and shame him. This was an excellent and disturbing tale about warped perspective, obsession and it cumulates as you would expect.

Best Line:
“But perhaps that was what happened when one decided to forever orbit a hulking planet with a mass that dwarfed one’s own.”
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