April 10th, 2014

Scary Books

Book Review: The Well

The Well by Peter Labrow
I’m disgruntled because I read this self published ‘horror’. It is a boring, badly written tale of how two idiots fall down an old well. Add in a dead witch, whimsically evil lesbians and the elusive local pervert and you have a stark reminder that just because someone self-published something, it doesn’t mean they can actually write. Use your discretion and avoid this unprecedented piece of crap. I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the worst book I’ve ever read. Pray that Peter Labrow never writes another cack-handed, lazy, contrived unreadable, wretched, septic ‘book’. This was HORRIBLE.

Best Line:
“If the press handle it in the wrong way, Rebecca and Matthew become latchkey kids with uncaring parents.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Following’ 2x13 promo
Joe nuts, I’m tired of him.

‘24: Live Another Day’ promo
I’m tempted.

‘Intelligence’ promo

‘Made In Jersey’ opening credits
This looks like a show from the 80s, no wonder it was cancelled.

‘The Other Woman’ TV spot

‘Star-Crossed’ Quotes:
“A little cool with their drool.”

“Armed guards, mandatory curfew and barbed wire. Not exactly my idea of home.”

“His problem. Not ours.”

‘Made In Jersey’ Quotes:
“How was the cult farm?”
“Charming, yet creepy.”

“The advantage of free cult labour.”

‘Bones’ Quotes:
“She made it seem like, like I was crazy.”
“Well you were. You killed her.”

‘Game of Thrones’ Quote:
“I will do what Queens do, I will rule.”

‘The Third Victim’ Quote:
“Rampaging suspected murderer with more tattoos than morals.”

‘The Simpsons Movie’ Quote:
“You smiled, I’m off the hook.”

‘Don’t Trust The B---- in Apartment 23’ Quotes:
“What happened to it?”
“It burned down.”

Blue Raspberry Turkish Taffy = okay.

I am reading ‘Dark Mirror’.

‘Lost Animals’ was the most depressing TV show ever made.

‘Bones’ season 9 is utter crap.

The ‘Covert Affairs’ prequel ‘Sight Unseen’ had bad acting and bored.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Freddie tears up over Joe and Lindsey, he’s a morass of self pity. Even Robbie thinks Freddie’s solipsism diminishes him. Sandy is incomprehensibly stupid, it‘s debatable how she got into nursing school. Patrick is viciously cruel to Maxine; his slow poison has reduced her chillingly to nothing. Sonny tries to talk to Lindsey about Katy; Lindsey is smug and denies pinning murder on Sinead. Lindsey’s flawed narrative has to come back to bite her soon. Lindsey accuses Freddie of ruining her life, an ignorant, blatant and transparent attempt to shift blame. Her incomprehensible unprofessionalism has had negative connotations for too long. Her glaring weaknesses need to be exposed especially her lies about Sinead fabricating Katy’s illness. Lindsey is irredeemable. Fraser has Grace arrested for nearly killing Joe, unhistoricity! Sandy is flabby and indecisive. Lindsey festers. Patrick spews lies. Sinead contemplates suicide when she is barred from Katy’s funeral. George, Blessing and Esther are suddenly Sinead’s friends. The psych ward lets Sinead out for the funeral even after Sinead tried to jump off the roof.  Lindsey tells Joe she aborted his child. Diane is her usual atrocious self as she won’t let Sinead attend the funeral and accuses her of dressing like a tart. Finn is ignorance personified and Tony is spineless and you can hear the crunch as Diane breaks his balls. Sinead howls in the street as no-one will listen to her until Sonny shows up with post mortem results. Katy was sick, Sinead was right all along!
Scary Books

The Ray Bradbury Theater 4x12 + Elementary 2x17 + Revenge 3x16 + Covert Affairs 3x15&3x16 Reviewed

The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985 - 1992) 4x12

Boys! Raise Giant Mushrooms In Your Cellar!
This show had nice theme music. This classic tale is introduced by Bradbury himself. A boy who looks like Harry Potter reads a mail order catalogue and decides to use his family’s empty dirt basement to grow mushrooms. What could go wrong? An eccentric neighbour rants about
aliens as the boy gets his Abyssinian mushrooms in the mail. Everything in their neighbourhood is so clean and perfect it is creepy.

The boy’s father hears a radio report about radio static and his friend has ennui and makes a long creepy speech about dust and strange weather. The boy is keen as mustard about his shrooms in the cellar. But the father sees suburbia become a nightmarish setting with ominous shots of satellite dishes and weird noises in the telephone wires. It is a shame the acting is so wooden; the cast are a petrified forest.

The father’s friend makes a weird phone call and there is ambiguous melodrama. The father suspects the mushrooms are aliens taking over the planet. All the women are unhelpful as they get angrier and are hysterical and unrealistic. Is humanity’s dominance of the planet unchangeable or is the father’s paranoid speculation of doom right?

There is ranting about alien spores, a meteorite and who or what is really sending out the mushrooms in the mail. The father gets super anxious especially when he finds his son has made up ugly mushroom sandwiches for them all. Then coerces his father into eating them while hinting at the inevitable abolition of man. This was okay but the bad acting and jaunty soundtrack were a tactical mistake.

Best Lines:
“Mushrooms are a growth industry.”

“Mushrooms, this week’s project.”

“Afraid of the dark and there’s nothing there.”

“Something awful is going to happen to all of us.”

“Think I’d feed all of us poisonous fungoids?”

“Panic, uh?”

“Nobody accept special delivery packages!”

“Warn everyone!”

“What if we’re being invaded right now?”

"We're sunk and lost."

“Health food!”

Ears To You
Lestrade (Sean Pertwee) is still living in the brownstone. A man whose wife vanished four years ago gets a special something in the mail. Gregson is unreasonable; Holmes and Joan are tirelessly rude. Joan is not reflective about why she and Holmes are inseparable. Lestrade is made into a grumping alcoholic to make Joan feel superior and make Holmes look good. This show is such a slave to tyrannical cool. Joan is an incomprehensibly crunchy derivative idiot who is pejorative against the husband. This is not genial feel good TV, it’s a boring mess that had me half asleep with boredom. TPTB have frittered away my interest in this show. Joan has a high opinion of herself; Holmes suddenly cares about meetings and his NA chips. Holmes is a ferocious, horrendous, superficial, crude, ignorant intellectual who doesn’t care about anyone’s plight. The plot is a rip-off of ‘Gone Girl’. This had Windows 8 product placement, general recklessness and a plot with no hint of rationality. Lestrade hints off to assist the Irish National Police and Joan stays with Holmes. This was crap.

Best Line:
“I’ll pluck it! I swear it!”

Victoria and Daniel are horrendous, Nolan wears the tightest shorts known to man and Emily’s latest hastily cobbled together plan is protracted. Margaux’s untoward dad Pascal (Oliver Martinez) shows up. Jack warns Emily away from his mother. Pascal is also in love with Victoria, sigh. Jack shows his mother his cheap looking wedding album. Things were more interesting when Emily had the outward trappings of unimpeachability. Daniel has no humility. Stevie rummages for the truth.

Marrying Daniel was Emily’s biggest mistake; she has squandered her in with the Graysons. One of Nolan’s hot prison mates, Javier, shows up. Pascal begins on onslaught on Victoria’s heart. Nolan and Jack rob a snotty law firm. Victoria finally notices Emily’s David Clarke connection. Emily is exacting and I didn’t mean that as a compliment. Victoria vamps in tarnished fashion during a trip to the opera. The monosyllabic and corrupt Pascal doesn’t care for his daughter. How old was he when he had her? Margaux and Daniel plot, again.

Emily’s medical records are leaked; Victoria spews revisionist history and denounces Emily in a loud carrying voice. Cue a frenetic onslaught of media bullying that obliterates Emily’s good name. Nolan and Javier have connectivity, Nolan seems reinvigorated. Jack finally wants justice for Declan and Amanda. Emily finds yet another conspirator in the David Clarke frame up. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Your own worst Emily.”

“A free fall of disgrace.”

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough to Jack?”

“It’s beneath you.”

“You’re too fixated on your own continent.”

“I think I’ve done enough for you.”

“I want her out.”

“Why are you married to Daniel?”

“This is worth fighting for.”
“I don’t know that it is.”

“5,4,3, later.”

“What kind of lunatic are you?”

“You are done here.”

“I sort of gave my parole officer your address.”

“I understand you don’t hear no very often.”

Auggie is off to Iraq to be a Battle Buddy. Annie shows off her boho hair in the Grand Duchy of Luxemburg as she does stagy actings but she’s walked into a trap. So she asks Eyal for help. Henry has shrewdness and aspirations. Annie and Eyal run around Switzerland. I didn’t care about the Auggie in Iraq plotline. Eyal is not Mossad anymore. Nobody is candid. The drone strike plot twists. Annie is reckless and the misconceived latter half of season 3 improves. Why do TPTB always vindicate Annie? Eyal is ensnared and faces adversity, Auggie should be silenced and someone dies. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Dirtier than dirt.”

“That’s your future as soon as you’re deemed unnecessary.”

“We’re five storeys up, there’s no way out of here.”

Lady Stardust
Annie’s in Amsterdam and she’s all solemn substance. Eyal is a hostage and Annie takes obligation seriously. Henry walks out of prison and is patronising. Arthur has no transparency. The drone strike plot twists again. Annie has no humility. There is canal drama. The plot twists and a CGI helicopter flies around. Joan won’t wear a blouse. Annie’s heart seems to have gone cold. Henry makes Annie an offer. Auggie makes a hearty love confession. Annie responds with solemn compassion. This was okay; I will get onto season 4 eventually.

Best Line:
“They are never coming for him, no one is.”

“That doesn’t help me because I have no idea what it means.”

“How insignificant you are.”

“I’m sorry for your loss Henry.”
“No, you’re not.”