April 8th, 2014

Scary Books

Retro Review: Supernatural (2005 - ?) Season 3

3x01 The Magnificent Seven
The brothers hunt down the demons that escaped the devil’s gate at the end of season 2. Other hunters blame them for the demon war. Both concepts now long forgotten. Dean sold his soul to bring Sam back to life in an astoundingly inappropriate decision. Ruby 1.0 shows up. Dean drowns a lust demon in bath filled with holy water and rosaries. This was okay.

3x03 Bad Day At Black Rock
A cursed rabbit’s foot is stolen, Sam is held hostage by hunters and the toxic sludge that is Bela debuts. This was funny and very good. Why did John never tell his sons about his storage locker full of curse boxes or about other hunters?

Best Lines:
“It has to be in a cemetery, under a full moon, on a Friday the 13th.”

“Bunch of obsessed revenge driven sociopaths.”

“I think you’re a truly awful person.”

3x05 Bedtime Stories
People are being killed Grimm fairy tales fashion. This was very good, Sam gets murky.

3x06 Red Sky At Morning
A ghost ship, mysterious drowning, a Hand of Glory and the belligerent Bela make up this good episode.

Best Lines:
“How do you sleep at night?”
“On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.”

3x07 Fresh Blood
Crazy Gordon escapes jail and Bela sells out the Winchesters for her own selfish purposes. Gordon becomes a vampire; cue a brutal fight in a creepy warehouse. Sam gets disgustingly violent in this okay episode.

Best Line:
“Sam Winchester’s the anti-christ!”

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas
The Winchesters take on pagan gods of the winter solstice in this non-poignant episode. It is okay with soppy bits.

3x09 Malleus Maleficarum
Sam and Dean encounter evil witches. Ruby shows up and despite her being extremely dubious everyone trusts her. Teeth, maggots, blood and hints of Lilith are present in this good episode.

Best Line:
“Remember all those dark demonic forces you prayed to when you swore your servitude? Just who did you think you were praying to?”

3x11 Mystery Spot
Dean dies; Sam goes nuts -sadly by season 8 Sam disconcertingly didn’t care that Dean was in purgatory. The Trickster shows up and screws with Sam who stares blankly. This was okay.

3x12 Jus In Bello
The schemer Bela hands the brothers over to the FBI (which makes no sense concerning a later season 3 revelation that she and her Caligulan appetites was trying to escape a demonic deal). The brothers are arrested, demons show up and Agent Henrickson finally believes. Lilith rises and there is a vociferously downer ending. This was good. No wonder everyone was glad when Bela was later on eaten by hellhounds and sent to hell never to be seen or mentioned again. She was a preposterous barely comprehensible character with no authenticity. Ruby showed up to rant and be fairly odious, she was evil in plain sight yet it took until season 4 for Sam to cop on.

Best Lines:
“Think Hannibal Lector and his half wit little brother.”

“They’re satan worshipping nut bag killers!”

“Your daddy brainwashed you with all that devil talk and no doubt touched you in a bad place.”
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Trailers, Quotes and a 1998 Tape Tale

‘Fargo’ promo
They’ve turned the movie into a TV show with Martin Freeman as a put-upon loser. After his risibly over the top appalling and unappealing shrew wife puts him down one time too many. He grabs a hammer, which is a not unreasonable response in the biblically grim town. I’ll watch.

Best Line:
“Sometimes I tell people you’re dead.”

‘The Quiet Ones’ TV spot
This must be good!

‘Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This’ promo
This ITV bio-pic looks okay.

‘Undeniable' part 2 promo
I’ll be there.

‘Urban Legend’ TV spot
WTF happened to Tara Reid? How did Jared Leto win an Oscar?

‘Grosse Point Blank’ TV spot
I once liked this movie. Not anymore.

Best Line:
“Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for money.”

‘Star Trek: Voyager’ Quotes:
“You wish to copulate?”

“We’re the higher form of life!"

‘16 and Pregnant’ Quote:
“Broke doesn’t fly with a baby.”

‘Moving’ Quote:
“Give me back my furniture!”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Cops are called, fight breaks out.”

“You were just dumber than a box of rocks.”

“You have three children and no ability to provide for them.”

The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“A troop transport is landing on the front lawn as we speak.”

“That felt good. Let’s do it again.”

“That’ll hold him for a while, I hope.”

“Have at thee!”
“Have at this!”

“One of Rusk’s hit squad is pounding on my door.”

“Which psycho we ticked off this week?”

“Never turn your back on an Avenger.”

“My mercy has its limits brute!”
“Mercy? What’s that?”

“You poor misguided outdated soul.”

“This was all for your benefit.”

“Eat your heart out Hawkeye.”

“I hope they’re looking into exactly how a psychopathic Hydra war criminal could get appointed Secretary of Defence.”

“That cloud is toxic. Get rid of it.”

“Not this. Not him.”

‘Endeavour’ Quotes:
“I don’t really care for museums.”

“Fighting and general incidents.”

“I ain’t done nothing.”

“The only poison here is you.”

“Every house has its secrets.”

“Bloody Charlotte walks the halls in the dead of night.”

“Before or after you fell on your nut?”

“Back in the world of real policing.”

“You’re on the dip.”

“Decent Christian raising.”

“When in doubt, blame the Irish.”

“Her father had her quietly and permanently committed.”

“Died a broken drunk in a cheap rooming house.”

“Alone and un-mourned, the last of her blood.”

“Lock your door until otherwise instructed.”

“Family went into terminal decline.”

“Could have been his, should have been his.”

“How did you meet?”

“Something malign going on up there.”

“The past can only hurt us if we let it.”

“Half mad most of them.”

“You find whatever did that.”

‘Return of the Black Death’ Quotes:
“The dead have returned with a warning.”

“A dark shroud was falling on his kingdom.”

“Pretty rubbish frankly.”

“Our priority is to the living.”

“The plague itself has never changed.”

Between the time it was discovered and the time it was declassified as a planet, Pluto did not complete one revolution around the sun.

Reviews of ‘Fargo’ and ‘Crisis’ forthcoming.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Trevor and Grace want to leave their lives of violence, feuds, weapons and drugs behind them. Freddie confesses to Lindsey all the lies he made up about Joe. Lindsey with no self-responsibility allocates all the blame to Freddie and then hurls herself into Joe’s arms in cloying fashion. Joe knows Freddie left him for dead. Joe wants the bohemian degenerate Fraser gone. Freddie with his usual unwillingness to accept reality makes ill-advised snafus that see the diabolical Fraser blackmailing him over porking Lindsey. Freddie’s egotistical intransigence and morosely bugged out eyes have done for him. Freddie is a lame, weak, unaccountable character. Maxine learns that Patrick lied to her about his vasectomy after he threatened to whip her with a belt. Dodger is a pompous, flawed, sneering liability.

Cleared out a 1998 tape. It began with ’The Joining’, the ’Earth Final Conflict’ season 1 cliffhanger that killed off Boone, had bad CGI and had Siobhan (Kari Matchett of ’Covert Affairs’) doing a truly terrible Irish accent. People speak very slowly, Siobhan and Sandoval have romance and the inconsistencies in Lili’s life are finally noticed. An alien named Ha’gel arrives. Zo’or expresses disapproval and is a stupendous ass. TPTB whittled away any positives this show ever had with this episode. Doors is gross, Siobhan nearly finds the Resistance’s HQ and that subplot isn’t emotive just silly. Ha’gel more less rapes Siobhan and that is where Liam came from in season 2. Boone faces peer rejection as Sandoval watches Zo’or murder him. This was dreadful dull melodrama with inaccessible jargon. I’m sure there are ’FX: The Series’ episodes that were better than this.

Then came an ’X Files’ episode ’Travelers’ in which it is 1990 and professional jockstrap Mulder is still a pig-headed swaggering profiler, has awful hair, wears a wedding ring, smokes and speaks like Shatner. He looks up an old former FBI agent named Dales who tells him of mysterious goings on in 1952. Young Dales (Fredric Lane of ‘Supernatural’) ran into a murdering thing named Skur (Garret Dillahunt) during the philistine hysteria of the red scare. Daddy Mulder shows up. The red scare is actually an alien experimentation cover up. Dales found his commitment shaken by this, his partner was a stupendous jackass, Ray Cohn shows up to condescend and utter unflinching threats. There is a serious incident, venom is spat, old Dales provides a disruptive voice-over and people glare. Skur causes trouble wherever he goes, Daddy Mulder constantly argues and there are moral failings, gore, goo, pretentious men in suits, disproportionate response, a sassy secretary and Dales becomes uncomfortable, disaffected and alienated.  Things get doomy, people are denounced, Skur sweats, ‘The Hidden’ is ripped off and Daddy Mulder was an instigator. This was okay in places despite all the nasty goings on.

Best Lines:
“Communist mind control can strike anywhere at anytime.”

“My father and I don’t really speak.”

“That’s what they said he was.”

“You’re not supposed to understand, you’re supposed to follow orders.”

“Unsolved cases. I file them under X.”
“Why don’t you file them under U for unsolved?”
“That’s what I did until I ran out of room.”

“They’ll bury you too.”

Then came a ‘Nash Bridges’ episode ‘High Fall’ in which Nash drives his pimp mobile and talks loudly. ‘Comedy’ takes place. Kelly Hu wanders around. All Nash’s money is lost in a pyramid scheme, something the show forgot about a few eps later. Nash’s nemesis Tamara Van Zandt shows, she is the truckstop-hooker looking type. Even she can’t reinvigorate this bastion of sexism conducted with the opposite of aplomb. This was a complete fail with bad wigs.

Then there was a season 2 ‘Millennium’ episode ‘Anamnesis’ which means Patti Smith songs, a school shooting, a bleeding statue and Lara (Kristen Cloke) smoking and staring evocatively into the middle distance. She went mad at the end of season 2, never to be seen again. Why is her hair bleached blonde? What is with her visions? Girls have holy visions at a school. The ergonomic Catherine shows up to be the Scully. This was TPTB’s token once a season female centric episode. There is 90’s fashion, possibly delusional girls, Catherine continuing to disengage from her marriage and a boy angry that unworthy teenage girls not idealised girls saw visions. Catherine is capriciously resentful. This was a good episode; this show was over-hyped and thus was always institutionally secondary, completely unnoticed and miserable. Anyway the girls are the bottom feeders of the social aquarium but only one is important in the end.

A preacher’s kid has dark pools of rage. Catherine eye rolls, Lara stifles hysterics, the townsfolk exude dreariness only Lara sees authenticity in the visions. The preacher’s kid has bad emotional health and is irritating and ill-judged as he screams a lot. A misanthropic teacher with boy band styling loom. Lara’s boss shows up to be comically off putting. There is chromatic overkill in this ep; we fail to feel Lara’s pain. The vision girl has an important role to play. Catherine is too busy being a miserable mess of corrosive resentment to care. In-between lots and lots of staring, Lara reveals vision girl’s big secret which is a rip off of ‘Holy Blood, Holy Grail’. Catherine is callous, flip and fundamentally idle. Lara is as histrionically bizarre and emotionally ensnared as ever. People whisper prosaically. Catherine is monotonous well of deep stupidity. The Millennium Group has no accountability. What was their purpose or were they just crazy fantasists? This was okay. The socially dysfunctional preacher’s kid takes a precipitous fall. Catherine reacts with banality. Human wreckage is left everywhere. Lara is so put off by the ramification that she ignores her pager.

Best Lines:
“I do believe them.”

“Now everyone thinks she is divine, but she’s not!”

“Religious hostility is following predictable gender lines.”

“That is not from the Bible, that comes from satan!”

“Devil girl! Devil girl! Devil girl!”

“She’d never believe what we know.”

“This is what happens when you allow denizens of hell into your heart.”

“I can’t just watch this happen.”
“We’ve watched worse things happen with less reason.
To Light The Way To Bed

Undeniable part 1 + Star-Crossed (2014) 1x01 Reviewed

Undeniable (2014) part 1
This ITV drama opens with a 7 year old girl witnessing her pregnant mother being beaten to death with a rock by a man who was never caught. 23 years later she has grown up into Jane (Claire Goose) who despite a long history of depression, overdoes and insatiability has a husband and two children. She’s also pregnant and off her medication. When visiting the hospital for antenatal care, she sees a doctor (Peter Firth) who she accuses of being the murderer.

It is not the first time she has made this accusation, she has falsely accused men before so has zero credibility with her family. The doctor has his own family and his legal eagle daughter reacts with indignation to the accusation when her father is questioned. Is this another of the troubled Jane’s pathetic stunts? Will reputations be ruined and built over this? Jane unravels, the police woman who investigated the case 23 years ago is on the verge of forced retirement and the doctor has an OBE. Who to believe? Jane has no credence due to her preoccupation and obsession with the murder. But is the doctor just a yuppie scum type in a BMW or is he the murderer? The evidence leans towards Jane being on another falsely insisting mission. DNA evidence does not give Jane any validation. The doctor’s daughter spews hate at Jane but Jane is not humbled and in the cliff-hanger vows to fight on. This was okay, I’m thinking the brutal harsh murder has made Jane crazy and the doctor is innocent. We’ll see in part 2.

Best Lines:
“Walking away from me like I was contaminated.”

“Leave him alone you mad bitch!”

In 2014, aliens crashed on Earth in a total ‘Alien Nation’ rip-off. 10 years later the heroine jogs in slow-motion. There is ill-feeling when some alien ‘teenagers’ attend high school despite the fact they look middle-aged. Anyway only the principle has a liberal-consensus about this. The aliens are kept in a sector due to their highly questionable behaviour. People are particularly angry about the aliens going to school despite the fact they look just like humans apart from some skin tags. Rugged alien ‘hero’ who looks about 35 stares at human heroine amidst the tussles over school integration. This was a trudge to watch despite the cute five minutes into the future technology. The messy plot isn’t helped by the fact the aliens are all whiners and listening to them is like being trapped in a lift with a member of the Socialist Workers Party. Why do the aliens look human? Why did they flee their planet? How did they crash on Earth?

Best Lines
“Or worse, Glee club.”

“Our skeletal system is made up of 10,000 centipedes holding hands.”