April 6th, 2014

Scary Books

Movie Review: Colombina (2011)

A girl is orphaned in the interminable 30 minute prologue. 15 years later she has grown up into an assassin (Zoë Saldana) who is chased by an FBI agent (Lennie James) who doesn’t think a woman could do that. This has orange tans, fighting, revenge, an evil CIA agent, criminals and was a piss poor approximation of a movie. It did have two good scenes: in the first the heroine fakes a DUI to get into a lockup to kill a guy, the second is when she swims through an evil guy’s shark tank so she can infiltrate his house and feed him to the sharks. Apart from that please don’t pursue this.

Best Lines:
“22 times?”

“Everyone dead, down to the dog.”

“Fishie fishie!”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Undeniable’ promo
This ITV drama looks interesting.

‘Prey’ promo
This weird looking whatever stars John Simm. I think I'll try it.

‘Triangle’ opening credits
This soap set on a ferry stared Kate O’Mara and is widely judged to be terrible. The fact O’Mara sunbathes topless in the credits on a North Sea ferry says it all. No wonder there is plenty of admonition for this show.

I made more fondue and guacamole. Yum.
I love Aloe Vera drinks.

I am reading ‘The Well’.

Bruce Forsyth is leaving ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ at long last. He is a national embarrassment - retire!

Recent storms uncovered a late Neolithic drowned forest; it reminds me of Stephen Baxter novel.

According to the news a cute little geep (a goat/sheep hybrid) is gambolling around the fields.

Russell Crowe was on ‘Neighbours’ in the 80s with a mullet and he got into a fight with a dude with a scrunch-dry perm. Cue lots of hair acting as they rolled around on the ground fighting as Paul Robinson watched with amusement. Crowe’s character bigs himself up as the big fat perm guy tries to kick him. It was a wage before he was famous I’m sure.

‘The Plantagenets’ Quotes:
“Soon followed him to the grave.”

“France was lost and the King was mad.”

“There were now two Plantagenet kings in England, but only one crown.”

“Edward’s marriage was a major political miscalculation.”

“This once mighty dynasty ended in oblivion.”

‘Catfish: The TV show’ Quote:
I’m not some crazy, you know, maniac with a gun.”

Sun Sea and A + E’ Quote:
“Me and Alfie are male strippers.”

Animal Rescue’ Quote:
They’ll just keep on breeding.”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“When did everything change?”

“Captain America is behind you.”

“Do you feel smart now?”

“You break the law, I break you.”
“Each statement you just made is incorrect.”

“No-one tells Hawkeye what to do.”

“He’s taken the whole world.”
“We take it back.”

“That was of minimal difficulty.”

“Your end has come betrayers!”

“That’s bad.”

“That’s worse.”

“What transpires here?”

I finally found out why Riker was always striking such stupid poses on ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’, it was to hide how much taller than the rest of the cast he was.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: why aren’t social workers involved with John-Paul and baby Matthew? Why aren’t social services asking Mercedes where her son Bobby is? Has everyone forgotten that Nancy nearly drove her kids off the roof of a multi-storey car park while high on painkillers? Joe appeals to Trevor’s better side to let him escape the coma ward and it works. Despite being in a coma for months after a building was demolished on top of him, Joe arrives back in Chester. Freddie and Lindsey are preoccupied being common, dirty trash bags as they declare their love for each other. Sinead cries through her busted drag queen fake lashes in the loony bin as Freddie desecrates his wedding vows. Maxine and Sienna plot. Lindsey sees Joe and reacts with dull surprise.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D 1x14 + The Blacklist 1x16 + The Americans 2x04 Reviewed

Why can’t they jut let Skye die? Who’d miss her ho stroll? Fitz and Simmons are anxious and demoralised over Skye. Why do TPTB want us to feel a searing sense of loss over the bimbo? Ian Quinn (David Conrad) is beaten up by an unrestrained May. Coulson wants to bring Skye back from the dead the same way that he was. Why did SHIELD save Coulson at all? He’s inept.

May and Ward continue their thing despite her being old enough to be his mother. The team keep on frantically trying to save Skye by breaking the rules, beating people up and killing other people. Why do they get away with this crap? Why is she worth saving? Why aren’t Coulson and co harried and harassed for Coulson’s grossly obvious lack of moral character? Coulson browbeats another SHIELD agent (Bill Paxton of ‘Apollo 13’ and ‘Deadly Lessons’) into bigging him up. Ward beats a fellow SHIELD agent up and gets away with it. Coulson’s team are obviously compromised. Ward acts like a five year old and needs stark criticism.

Ward seems to want Skye to live so he and she can empty his johnny stash. Skye is stratospherically inconsequential despite TPTB’s best efforts. SHIELD act like fascist thugs. Quinn is a groupie to the Charles Manson like The Clairvoyant. Everything is all about Coulson, again. I’m not emotionally attached to these people and I feel unfavourable towards this ep as TPTB lavish ass-licking on the moronic agents.

This ep was inefficient glumness that was short-sighted and simplistic; this show should be causally discarded. Who asked Ward to speak? Who does Coulson think he is? May and Simmons stay on the plane during the big action scene in case their wombs fall out or something. This show is disintegrating. The disputatious Coulson changes his mind on saving Skye when he learns he is a clone or a Kree or something. There is crap green screen. Skye is brought back to life sadly and then an Asgard reject that looks like a dayshift stripper shows up.

Best Lines:
“It’s medically impossible.”

“It all sounds so diabolical.”

“You have no rights.”

“Sounds like some wrestler from the 80s.”

“Quinn shot Skye for nothing.”

“A long, living hell.”

Mako Tanida (no. 83)
The real Tom comes out to play in this sadly boring ep that focused on Red turning Ressler into Red 2.0. Jolene lurks and pot stirs, Ressler broods, Red’s inept sidekick (Lance Reddick of ‘Fringe’) stalks Jolene and the baddie of the week Tanida stalks and kills FBI agents who arrested him.

Meera has been diluted, Cooper is hectoring and Tom works for some unknown people spying on the boring Liz. Everything Red attributed to Tom is true, so who was watching Tom and Liz? Does Tom even like Liz? Why was he sent to marry her? Ressler’s galpal is an idiot and full of low level criticism so she gets shot and dies. Ressler enacts the labour of vengeance.

There is a twist. People die. Jolene is lewd and salacious. Tom takes off his hipster glasses and kills people. Ressler shows instability urged on by Red. A few facts need clarifying. A baddie has no dignity. Ressler gets an extra kick in the guts as he packs away his dead love’s stuff but Red tries to cheer him up in Red fashion. Liz doesn’t notice Tom scrubbing off blood and soil in the shower. Red gets a private ballet performance as there are more hints about his past and lost family. This show has degraded.

Best Lines:
“You will disembowel yourself to my satisfaction.”

“Mr emotional support.”

“Your little coterie of door-kickers who pursued me with such fervour and zeal.”

“You don’t remember me do you? You will.”

“We thought his empire would collapse, it didn’t. In fact it expanded.”

“Bookish boy turned ruthless crime lord.”

“Reddington sent a psychopath with a knife into my house, he cut me like a totem pole and because of that, Liz finds my go bag.”

“All I feel is hate.”

“Says the man tied to a chair.”

A Little Night Music
Paige goes to church with her new friend. Claudia shows up to ask the Jennings to find out who killed their fellow spies. Where on earth do they keep their stash of wigs and fake beards? A Navy SEAL is being blackmailed, the Jennings are to kidnap a defector scientist who is working on Stealth technology and Stan’s murder of the KGB agent in season 1 is going to cause Gaad to be ousted. Stan is deeply unpleasant and turgid, he looks and acts like a poor man’s Gary Busey. Elizabeth honey pots in a record emporia. Stan and Philip bond at a bar, Stan is white trash posing as middle class - he is an unlikebale, churlish, morose curmudgeon. Philip stares conspiratorially.

Oleg schemes. Philip and Elizabeth’s son shouts all his lines and wants a videogame. Elizabeth is pale and wan. Philip stares in a portentous threatening manner. Elizabeth is uncomfortable on her honey trap mission and can’t get bawdy instead she is disrupted and ill-prepared as she fumbles the usual neat narrative. Naturally later on Elizabeth over-reacts when she learns Paige goes to church as she horrified by the very concept of religion which she sees as myth making.

Philip undermines Martha by sending negative projections about her mother and her hair washing. This backfires as now he doesn’t know about Gaad or the fact that a stinging Martha has filled in a form about her husband. No amicably making up for the annoyed newly weds yet. The forced repatriation grab turns into a bristling fight with no plan, no preparation and the situation escalates way out of control. This was good; it is all disintegrating for the Jennings.

Best Lines:
“Might have been good enough to find them.”

“Happy people go on vacations.”

“How did that happen?”

“I can give you a sock drawer.”

“In the future, could you not?”

“Cute boys cooing about Jesus.”

“Something finds it way into your house.”

“The opiate of the masses!”

“Will you stop being so reasonable?”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Pandemonium + Nightmare Park

Pandemonium by Warren Fahy
The long delayed sequel to 2009’s wonderful ‘Fragment’ is an indecisive sullied mess. A mad Russian oligarch has got hold of some Henders Island wildlife and unleashed them in the underground Soviet city he bought. Also present in the underground city is a cave containing an ecosystem isolated for uncounted epochs. Naturally people get eaten. Meanwhile various Henders Island survivors run around uttering self-deprecating ones liners yet failing to explain how a Henders Island disk-ant can grow into a 40 foot tree.

The mad oligarch’s spoilt brat daughter tantrums, gets people killed and is fantastically annoying and beleaguering. Despite fervent hopes the little cow doesn’t die. Also the Hendros (aka Sels) the sentient ancient life forms that were rescued from Henders Island have their own agenda despite apparent conviviality.

As for the fascinating cave life forms preserved in aspic, the ‘heroes’ find a way to destroy another ecosystem in disproportionate response. This was a boring, overly padded, repetitive mess that wastes all the sequel hooks set up in ‘Fragment’. Don’t even get me started on Fahy’s response to what he sees as unjustified criticism of his artistic licence use of biology in ‘Fragment’.

Best Lines:
“Forgive me.”
“That’s above my pay grade!”

“This stuff just ate five men.”

“Do what I ask or I will have you killed.”

“Nothing will live on that island for a million years.”

“They don’t belong on this planet with us.”

“You will not be able to get out. Ever.”

“No! There weren’t any mollusks there!”

Nightmare Park by Linda Hoy
This excellent 1988 novel is about a school trip to a theme park that goes horribly awry. It is an engrossing if dated read. A number of sinister disappearances and accidents have taken place at the huge and famous horror themed Nightmare Park, the police think a bunch of missing teenagers are no big deal and are oddly reluctant to get involved.

Maria and Teresa con their teacher into taking their class to the theme park on the pretext of shooting a movie for her media studies class. As their classmates avail themselves of satan’s staircase, the Iron Maiden, Dracula’s Castle and the Batbreaker, the duo go to the Gingerbread House. They are unaware they are heading into the proximity of a loony who has been fomenting severe reprimands for stupid teenagers for some time. After all at Nightmare Park, a crazy serial killer is practically inconspicuous as they blend right in.

This was an excellent if slender book despite dated references to: letters, a cassette deck, a bean bag, typists, David Blunkett comprehensive, a word processor, making a video, an assessment centre, computer discs, teenagers reading brochures, a video camera,  teenagers wearing training shoes, blue denim jeans and a bomber jacket, a safety officer, a teacher reading an ordnance survey map,  a radical teacher wearing a free Nelson Mandella t-shirt, school children using folders, pen and paper, a teenager using 1000 ASA film, a shop called Chelsea Girl and Teresa planning to develop the photos taken at Nightmare Park. I’d love to read the sequel ‘Horror Express’.

Best Lines:
“We watched him staggering out dripping with bits of seaweed and strips of sodden bog roll on his head.”

“That sounds ominous.
“Yes, well, it’s supposed to be.”

“Please Miss, a tramp’s just walked into the classroom.”

“This ghost gondalizes you across the lake.”

“The idea is that Jez will hide behind a hedge and run up and down with a flashing disco strobe light in his hand and people will think that he’s a police car.”

“The words he uses are so rude that classes all over school are interrupted as nuns cover up their ear drums and run to shut their classroom windows.”

“Well, it doesn’t make any difference to you. You look abnormal anyway.”

“He raises his fingers as if he’s about to make a rather rude sign but, when he sees a nun driving the bus, he crosses himself instead.”

“Roger, a cretinous youth, built like a haystack.”

“When a pair of football boots landed on her head, Roger was looking out of the window.”

“If a maniac is chasing you with a sharpened broomstick, you don’t just sit there.”

“Repent! Repent! Have a Liquorice All Sort! Repent! Repent! Repent!”

“I don’t think Ms Maltby will turn into a psychopathic murderer but, just in case she does, I want my conscience to be clear.”