April 1st, 2014

Scary Books

Movie Review: The Woman In Black

The Woman In Black (2012)
I’ve seen the play and it was far better than this horrifying exercise in diarrhoea. A man (Daniel Radcliffe) goes to an unfeasibly remote house full of creepy toys and a rocking chair in need of some WD40 where a ghost inveigles her way into casing tragedy. Belatedly the hero devises a rather stupid plan to stop the ghost in between lots of staring. The ghost does down people, Ciaran Hinds lurks and the ending is implausible. This was uneven, lazy, apathetic, farcical and grubby. I don’t care about the ghastly little weasel ‘hero’ and his ineptitude or the seething ghost.

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Open Grave’ trailer
Murk, death, guts, people in a house with amnesia, bodies in trees, barbed wire, axes, chasing and a mass grave. This looks odd but interesting.

‘Da Vinci’s Demons’ season 2 trailer
A riot, Alexander Siddig, the Pope, executions, ancient wisdom is sought, the New World is found, there is napalm and plank walking. WTF?

Best Lines:
“The blood of man is on your hands now.”

“It’s time to save the future.”

‘The Quiet Ones’ TV spot
Oh yeah.

‘Muppets Most Wanted’ promo

‘Divergent’ promo

I am skipping the ‘Divergent’ movie, it looks crap.

Sour Cream and Jalapeno popcorn tastes like packing peanuts.

Review of ‘Colombiana’ forthcoming.

Television Without Pity is closing. I can recall when it was Dawson’s Wrap and then Mighty Big TV.

Zac Efron was fighting the homeless with a vodka bottle on skid row?

‘Body of Proof’ Quote:
“I do tend not to take the advice of sociopaths.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“He didn’t want me.”

“I’m on vacation with another man because my husband threw me away.”

“This is not about calendar math.”

“Danny is one that brought the evil into the marriage.”

“Do I trust him? Absolutely not.”

“No! You’ve said enough.”

‘The Other Side Of The Story’ Quote:
“I could not write a sex scene. Dad might read it.”

‘The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!’ Quotes:
“Not exactly standouts in the thinking department.”

“For a price.”
“Name it.”

“This has the stench of dark magic about it.”

“Pity party later.”

“Like I ever miss.”

“What’s that?”
“Our doom.”

‘Modern Family’ Quote:
“It’s my chewing straw.”

‘Elementary’ has been renewed. How? Why?

I’ve read the ‘Southern Vampire/Sookie Stackhouse’ books since ‘Dead Until Dark’ since 2001. I skimmed the final ever book ’Dead Ever After’ and can’t believe what a disjointed, dodgy, detached mess of caricatures it was. The book was utterly offensive to long term readers. I haven’t felt this shocked since the ’Xena Warrior Princess’ finale.

On ‘Hollyoaks’: Diane creates a schism between her and Sinead that could and should never heal. Katy dies. Fraser menaces Ste. Fraser is stupid. Leela and Teegan bore. Dennis ‘flirts’ with Blessing. Sinead breaks down over her dead daughter and the lairy, bellowing, beefy, red-faced Diane calls her a murderer.
Scary Books

The Musketeers 1x10 + Covert Affairs 3x05 - 3x07 Reviewed

Musketeers Don’t Die Easily
Anne of Austria is pregnant and Aramis is the baby daddy and the Cardinal knows and they know that he knows. Milday (who still hasn’t been strangled by her own breasts) acts entitled and is full of psychopathologies. Collateral damage alert! Athos menaces the morally inferior Milady, d’Artagnan’s crude and lewd romping with Milady is revealed which leads to a bro-down. This episode was dull and clankingly catastrophic as Athos lets Milady get away with the crapulence she instigated, again.

I’ve discontentment with this Dumas reinterpretation. Constance is a miserable ho. Milady lies about mistreatment. There is bad acting, a fake rift and d’Artagnan is a lummox. Sean Pertwee guest stars as Milady’s thief mentor/pimp. Milady and the Cardinal spew festering rhetoric and the plot is erratic. When did the lummox and Athos discuss Milady? Wouldn’t that have had a real averse affect on them?

The Cardinal is stupid. Why does everyone on this show have lesser minds? This show isn’t frolicky just dumb. The Cardinal is full on sinister Minster and yet no-one denounces him and his grand vision for France. The musketeers wear blue cloaks and bond. Why did no-one see through their subterfuge and shamming of a rift? Instead Milady and her army of transients are easily defeated because they are dumb.

None of the musketeers adhere to the principles of honour and they don’t always speak the truth. The Cardinal offloads Milady, d’Artagnan seems to have just woken up stupid and Milady is not prone to public shame. Constance is scared into conformity. Why are we supposed to care about the trashy Constance? Or the drama queen Milady? The All For One And One For All phrase is finally uttered and Constance’s vehemently damaging husband outwits d’Artagnan.

Best Lines:
“He hated you, they all did. Your so called friends.”

“I choose him.”

“Aramis and Porthos will never forgive this.”

“Do try not to get blood everywhere.”

“We have honour.”
“I can live with that.”

“I knew you were evil.”

“You understand nothing.”

“Treachery would break his heart.”

“You have been warned.”

“He was a little moody.”

“It seems with are both prone to resurrection.”

“How is your charming husband?”

“This is your doing, not me.”

“Kill me and do a better job of it than last time.”

This Is Not America
Arthur sends Auggie back to the DPD in disgrace for the drunken assault incident. Annie’s resourcefulness is marginal as an Iranian missile causes issues. Joan can’t pronounce Iran properly and is disparaging. Annie and Eyal (Oded Fehr) reunite in Israel. Auggie is ordered into therapy. Eyal and Annie look into a suspect missile technician. Annie is intimidated when she learns she is being investigated. Eyal exudes bragging. Annie has an existential crisis. Joan has malaise and Arthur’s ex-wife Gina (Rena Sofer) offers him a new job. This was okay; Joan has been a source of penury all season.

Best Lines:
“You should see the other guy. I can’t.”

“It’s easier to assume guilt.”

“Why would anyone want to speak Hebrew in Jerusalem?”

“I understand why you broke a bottle over that guy’s head.”

Hello Stranger
Will Joan put on some damn sleeves? The PM of Yemen is in the US for medical treatment and Annie wants to turn someone close to him. She’s impatient and unself-conscious while Joan is debilitating. Things between them are so bad they would spit on each other. Auggie is hangdog and this ep is all brazenly cavalier populism and I was disinterested. Annie tries to talk a guy into turning, getting into trouble in the process. Joan is all minutiae and tedium. Annie is fallible, things go awry and Auggie and his therapist bore. Annie and her near angelic personality burns another bridge. Her idolatry for Joan is long gone.

Best Line:
“I am the one standing in a hostile nation under careful watch.”

Loving The Alien
Simon has his finger in a number of pies, including Annie’s. The disillusioned Annie asks Lena for a fake passport so she and Simon can go to Cuba. Annie won’t wear sleeves. Simon does smouldering looks whilst wearing relaxed fit jeans. Auggie wants back on the Jai murder investigation. Simon mentions he has a sister, which may be important. Arthur and Joan come across as irredeemable grotesques. Simon is up to something in Cuba, his mean handler looms and Annie is not into conflict-avoidance and has no trepidation. What is Simon colluding with? Jai’s dad is the dregs. Auggie is inconsequential. Arthur and Joan are fist-chewingly awful. Jai’s murder is an indecipherable mess and Simon does the unexpected. This was very good.

Best Lines:
There would be no extraction. If you got caught, the Agency would have no recourse. North Korea would be easier.”

“Operatives who get arrested in bar fights don’t get to question their boss’ judgement.”

“The priest and I swear to God this is true, starts leading the church in a prayer for our nation’s safety.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Annihilation

Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer
Book 1 of the ‘Southern Reach’ trilogy is an excellent, unsettling Lovecraftian tale. For over 30 years, Area X has been monitored by the mysterious Southern Reach agency. Area X is an odd place where something happened and is still happening. What that is, nobody is sure.

A 12th expedition is sent in to investigate. The narrator is a biologist, she tells how their mission is to chart and take samples. But that swiftly falls by the wayside as the narrator learns Area X, the Southern Reach and her own memories cannot be trusted. Circumstances are dire and Area X is in a state of uncontrolled escalation. Answers are not forthcoming only hints and suggestions. Is Area X an alien intrusion or are the expedition the wretched intruders?

This new weird tale is unsettling, the narrator is unreliable and deeply troubled, the world outside Area X sounds pretty awful and the expedition leader treats the team with contempt. I await the upcoming ‘Authority’ and ‘Acceptance’ with baited breath.

Something dreadful is in Area X and it is coming to a corrosive crescendo. This is a vertiginous tale of profound impossibility and disquieting, desolating suspense.

Best Lines:
“We were not told what the device measured or why we should be afraid should it glow red.”

“Far worse though, was a low, powerful moaning at dusk.”

“They were not made of stone but of living tissue.”

“The ill-defined Event that locked it behind the border thirty years ago.”

“Any such observation had been stricken from the record.”

“It provided evidence of a very specific kind of insanity.”
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