March 20th, 2014

Scary Books

Book Review: No Time Like The Past

Star Trek The Original Series: No Time Like The Past by Greg Cox
This crossover tale that sees Kirk meet Seven of Nine is a boring, lamentable piece of derivative tosh. The 20 year old ‘Federation’ is way better than this crap. This book has exposition dumps, an annoying frantic agitated ambassador, unnecessary call-backs to ‘TOS’ episodes and bad writing. The Trek TPTB need to develop an aversion to hiring Cox. This was terrible and I can only hope the upcoming ‘Tower of Babel’, ‘Serpents in the Garden’ and ‘One Constant Star’ are good as a reparative for having to read this book with its ass-pull ending and Voyager still lurking in the Delta Quadrant.

Best Lines:
“You blew up their god.”

“There are numerous humanoid remains, lying unburied in the ruins of the cities.”

“Everything is under control.”
“Not from where I’m standing.”

“May you and your crew fly into the path of a black star!”

“Every code needs a key. Every map needs a legend.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Following’ 2x10 promo
Joe blathers about his holy army; oh will he just shut up.

‘Secrets and Lies’ promo
This Australian drama looks interesting.

Got a box of Black Magic chocolates, a brand around since at least the 80s.

‘Savages’ Quotes:
“Isn’t there anything to drink but beer? No Perrier?”

“What a great place! Too hot to sit on the beach, and if you went in the water you got sunstroke.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Why don’t we just lock her out?”

“Your evaluation of your parental conduct?”

“I know you’re a freaking liar. So leave! Leave!”

“Get out of our lives, we want you gone.”

“This time we let him in the gates.”

“I wanted to hit her like a man.”

“Cindy should be afraid of me.”

“You seem agitated right now.”

“Ratchet your mouth down.”

“I’m the man here.”

“Anger didn’t say that.”

“I can’t make him believe me.”

“You need to go.”

“That’s a lie.”

“Some JFK level conspiracy here.”

“I go to jail because I give up my own marijuana!”

“My mom needs to confess to all she’s done.”

“Sign your fricking paper and leave!”

“So if someone here is creating a problem, it’s you.”

“It is delusional.”

“What I fear, I create.”

The Centre’ Quotes:
It’s a litter tray with a banner.”

“It’s King Kong in a thong.”

‘Awkward’ Quotes:
“Do I look like a hooker?”

“How does it feel to mock the homeless?”

“I’m not a hoochie and I don’t wear tangerine well.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Fraser riles Trevor up to kill Ray. Which goes awry as Ray causes Trevor to crack. Trevor decides that Fraser needs to die. Peri, Tom and Holly are awful. John-Paul has more bad judgment. Finn still hasn’t been murdered.

Watched another before they were famous type show in ‘You Saw Them Here First’ which showed off a punk Peter Capaldi on ‘Crown Court’ in the 80s, a one off 80s comedy called ‘Pratt out of Hell’ which was about a dispatch centre run by Hells Angels that starred Lenny Henry. Sir Tony Robinson’s naff early shows were shown. Clips of Michael Sheen in 90s TV show with awful 90s hair were shown as was a clip of James Blunt still in the Household Cavalry on 90s TV. One of the Girls Aloud lot showcased her terrible acting work on ‘Adam’s Family Tree’ and ‘Focus Citizenship’. There was a bizarre clip from 1979 showing Joan Rivers talking to Bernard Manning. There were excruciating clips from a dreadful 1996 chat show called ‘F2F’ which was hosted by Borat. We saw an old ad that had Bryan Cranston advertising Preparation H and clips from the dreadful looking 1993 show ‘The Boot Street Band’ that starred Idris Elba as a ludicrous school bully.

Elementary 2x14 + Revenge 3x13 Reviewed

Dead Clade Walking
Manky Holmes is a terrible sponsor. Desperately needy Joan looks into a cold case involving a fossil of an infant mini T-Rex. Holmes uses the phrase “gyno-difficulties” and boasts about another of his prurient hobbies. The fossil is destroyed. Gregson is a schlub. Joan and Holmes unravel a case involving ELE, the KT boundary and the enormously controversial theory of dead clade walking. It is all very quaint and contrived as the obvious suspect is the killer. Joan comes across as a prissily controlling poor sad thing, Gregson is 100% dumb bemusement and Holmes is an unrepentant clammy walking patronising attitude.

Best Lines:
“I’m Gay.”
“I’m not.”

“Before I ended up in the gutter.”

“All the tedious histrionics.”

“I’ve got Instagram photos.”

Emily has Niko cauterise her pulled stitches with a hot poker. Patrick is twisted and sick. Nolan dresses like a 1970s man ho. Jack and his French chick bore. Conrad and Emily have a bizarre alliance. Ungallant Daniel and louche Sara are smirking smugness as they flaunt their affair. Emily’s self-justifying soliloquies bore.

Niko moves into Nolan’s house, Conrad sabotages Voulez and Daniel, Sara is defiant opposition, Victoria is highly lacquered and Patrick is caustic and voraciously self serving. Emily has psychopath eyes, Daniel is all bombastic contemptuous hypocrisy and Patrick sob stories and tracks down his birth father (Brett Cullen). Emily tries to be resilient but has blackouts, Aidan has no integrity, Conrad exacerbates, French chick is under duress and nobody is listening to anyone.

Niko speaks truisms, Jack is malleable, Patrick induces apathy and is all exclusionary insensitivity, Victoria sob stories and retcons the past. Where have the flashbacks gone? Emily tells Sara’s mother her daughter is a dirty ho, Sara’s mother disowns her daughter after Sara demeans herself some more. Niko finds something under Aiden’s bed because Aiden is a moron. Patrick fire starts and Daniel gets violent and non-conciliatory. The first Mrs Grayson (Gail O’Grady) finally shows up. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Stay on your side of the river.”

“That’s when I learned what hatred was. And that it would greet me each day to come.”

“I’m trash?”

“Don’t you think this is sad Emily?”

“I really don’t care what some old bat from across the road is saying.”

“You’re poking a dangerous bear.”

“I dismantled Conrad’s first wife.”

“I assume satan will want the corner office.”

“My father trained you to be what you are today.”

“You are no longer a daughter of mine.”

“There will never be an us.”

“Sterilising you was my gift to the universe.”