February 16th, 2014

Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Wrong House aka House Hunting + Keeping Mum

The Wrong House aka House Hunting (2012)
Marc Singer of ‘V’ stars in this utterly abysmal ‘horror’ film. He goes house hunting with his bitch new wife and bratty daughter. They end up at a creepy old farmhouse along with a miserable blue collar family and a girl with no tongue. It seems the ghosts of the previous owners have imprisoned them there for some punishment. They can’t leave, annoying piano music plays, bad acting is displayed as characters exude either bored indifference or cloying platitudinous.

Ghosts lurk, time passes, canned food just appears, characters indulge in shouting, staring and hallucinating. This was boring, the characters were obnoxious with a deplorable appetite for conflict and this film was lethargic, ineffectual, lacked pace and was full of nastiness and stupidity. I didn’t care about their secrets or for the toxicity and dysfunction of low-life white trash who act distant and don’t give a damn. This was half-assed, incohesive and full of coffee table angst. Don’t get me started on the non-twist. This was awful.

Best Lines:
“Her? Is that how I’m referred to now?”

“Does any of this seem reasonable to you?”

“Is he your only one?”
“He is now.”

“We tried to leave 23 times.”

“Do not make me angry.”

Keeping Mum (2005)
A Vicar and his idiot clan get a housekeeper (Maggie Smith) who spent 43 years in jail for murder. She improves their lives by getting rid of annoyances. This was slow and utterly awful.

Best Line:
“We do not say that word on a Sunday.”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Witchboard 2: The Devil’s Doorway’ (1993) trailer
Aimee Dolenz stars in this awful movie, the trailer is delightfully cheesy though.

Best Lines:
“Some games should never be played.”

“One soul has taken another.”

‘Mask Maker’ trailer
Looks good and the dad from ‘Everwood’ is in it.

‘Hamish Macbeth’ opening credits
Robert Carlyle’s old show had bad credits.

‘The Kiss’ Quotes:
“This aunt, mom like hated her, comes from nowhere with all this creepy stuff in her suitcase acting like she owns us.”

“I feel like I swallowed a blender.”

“Straighten the bitch out.”

“They’ve only seen blood like her’s when they’ve exhumed a corpse.”

“Go to hell.”
“Not yet.”

‘Unseen Academicals’ Quote:
“Forgiveness is the name of Pastor Oats’s double-headed battle-axe. For Mister Oats the crusade against evil is not a metaphor.”

‘The Black Guard’ Quotes:
“Randall was used to his master being drunk, but the previous evening he had broken several more chairs and tables than was normal.”

“Is the ground somehow offensive to important people?”

“I know you’ve been at the ale, but just stand there blocking his escape and try to look mean.”

“You’re not as dangerous as you think you are.”

“They call them the dark Young of the Dead God. I suppose they’re afraid of them, as if they’re not exactly what they seem to be. They just looked like ancient, strange-looking trees to me.”

I am reading ‘The Black Guard’.

Juice of a Seville orange = bitter!

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Ruby left and is gone from the opening credits. No-one cares. Tegan is just asking to be murdered. Peri Lomax is Sienna’s long lost daughter. Oh FFS. Jason sees Fraser kissing Tegan. Sandy and Tegan scream at each other in the street. Fraser lies. Freddie is a loon and Lindsay isn’t as dim as Sinead hopes.

Best Lines:
“I thought I saw her doing a walk of shame through the village.”

“You little tramp!”
“As if Grandma!”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Protectors + The King's Demon

Star Trek Voyager: Protectors by Kirsten Beyer
The VOY relaunch gets back on track after the awful ‘Children of the Storm’ and ‘The Eternal Tide’. Janeway is alive and she must face accusations about her role in provoking the Borg’s final and greatest attack on the UFP as well as criticism of her command skills, or lack thereof. Meanwhile in the Delta Quadrant what remains of the Full Circle fleet encounters old enemies and a new world and a new civilisation.

Seven is oblivious to the fact her boyfriend is a psycho, Tom Paris finally faces consequences for his idiot choices and there is unexpected fallout from the Caeliar’s transformation of the Borg and things look ominous for the next book in the relaunch ‘Acts of Contrition

This was good, for once Janeway is no wild-eyed rampant loon but a woman bogged down by cold fear and a continual refusal to own up to her mistakes. It takes being scapegoat and accepting stinging criticism for her ridiculous choices for Janeway to have a personality transformation. Considering how she was portrayed in the TNG books ‘Resistance’ and ‘Before Dishonor’ this is a good thing.

The King’s Demon by Louise Cooper
This 1996 novel has a cheesy cover and the contents inside aren’t much better. Sefira wanders the moor land suffering from amnesia and acting like an idiot child. Grendon is a shouting, sneering dudebro working for the vile King Karel. There is a forced marriage, a vampire ghost demon thing, magic, characters who suffer from philistinism and a plot that is relentlessly undermined by the idea that good writing is epicene self-indulgence. Don’t even bother with this.

Best Lines:
“They and their ways are anathema to any living soul who values his life and his future. Fear them, hate them, and never stint in declaring the depth of your hatred to everyone you meet.”

“We who are sanctified pledge vengeance unsleeping.”