January 28th, 2014

Scary Books

The Musketeers 1x02 + Banshee 1x09 Reviewed

Sleight of Hand
D’Artagnan ends up in prison as part of a cunning plan by the smug, self-satisfied musketeers. The All For One motto has yet to appear. D’Artagnan has to befriend a prisoner named Vadim (Jason Flemyng of ‘Primeval') and find out what he is up to. Constance and her dork husband lurks. This show is giving me nothing; I feel only outright distain for it. Milady is awful and continues the oversexed presentation of herself. There is foreshadowing of the French Revolution and this show is all wrong and all empty.

The Queen flirts with Aramis. Milday tries to outporn herself as she tempts d’Artaganan to the dark side. Why does everyone incessantly pander to the unintelligent twit? This show is a public dissolution of talent. The menopausal Barbie looking Richelieu looms being ineffective. The palace seems clean and under populated. Milady steals the Queen’s diamond pendant which will be important later on I’m sure. TPTB don’t know what they’re making or who this grilled spam of a show is for. TPTB have no talent and can’t do anything right. This sucked.

Best Lines:
“I hope you’re very proud.”

“Mutton is the one that goes baahh and has wool on it.”

“Some fantasy of a peasant revolution.”

“Is this a threat?”
“Not yet.”

“Any time you want your sword polished.”

“Common sense is for commoners, not for kings.”

“Gutter born.”

“Base ingratitude.”

~
Always A Cowboy
This was ridiculous with Carrie running around bleeding, her kids being kidnapped by her crazy father, Lucas and Kai bonding as they beat on each other and Mr Rabbit showing up to menace.
To Light The Way To Bed

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Only Lovers Left Alive’ trailer
John Hurt, Tilda Swinton, Tom Hiddleston, Mia Wasikowska and Anton Yelchin star in this tale of bored vampires looking unwashed. There is blood, uncombed hair, sunglasses, nudity and big hair. This looks weird.

Best Lines:
“Yeah, what a drag.”

“I have what you need.”
“Not what I need.”

‘Oculus’ trailer
This 2013 horror stars Karen Gillan in a tale of sheets, a creepy poem and a mirror. This looks creepy.

Best Lines:
“Window, portal, darkened door.”

“My soul you’ll hold forever more.”

The Musketeers’ 1x03 promo
Uh.

‘Big Tips Texas’ promo
WTF?

Cherries = yum.

Stephen Fry is to play the PM in the new ‘24’? WTF?!?!?!?

I am reading ‘Peaceable Kingdoms’.

I will review ‘Priest’ and ‘Horrible Bosses’.

The Beatles reunion at the Grammy Awards was a bit underwhelming.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Fraser yells. Jason is stupid. Tegan is a fool. Jim is thrown out on the street by the McQueens when the truth about Myra faking her death is revealed. Leela annoys. John-Paul screams. Maxine’s favourite movie is ‘Clueless’. Holly makes things worse. Jim tells Trevor that Fraser murdered his father. Patrick menaces Maxine in front of Sam who fails to notice. Maxine blames herself for everything and so does everyone else. Patrick has her brainwashed. Tegan neglects her baby, Sonny is awful, Freddie lets a secret out and Trevor decides to turn on Fraser.

Best Lines:
“How stupid are you, eh?”

“I want to be the man she thinks I am.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: City of Bones

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)
The movie franchise of Cassandra Clare’s books seems to be stillborn. I love the books even if Clary abandoned her passion for art and poetry to coo over Jace.  Clary (Lily Collins) and her friend-zoned friend Simon (Robert Sheehan) go to a skeevy club and sees something. This leads her to Jace (who looks like a meth dealer with his crusty blonde hair) and his gang of Shadowhuners who look like Francis Bacon paintings with their runes and leather.

Clary’s mother Jocelyn (Lena Headey of ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’ and ‘Game of Thrones’) fights an evil doer (Kevin Durand of ’Lost’) with a frying pan and a fridge door before being left comatose due to her lack of transparency. Demons lurk and Jace (who looks like he is on the paleo diet) is visible yet isolated. Clary is delusion fatigued. Alec and his endless sense of rage lurks, he is one of the many impossible men in this saga. Valentine (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers of ‘Dracula’ and ‘The Tudors’) seeks The Mortal Cup. The Silent Brothers loom. Isabelle lurks. Magnus Bane wears too much glitter.

Simon’s emotional well being is in peril as he feels he deserves Clary, Alec has a vitriolic reaction to Clary‘s cover girl sheen, werewolves led by Luke (Aidan Turner) show up and the intemperate, vituperative Valentine shouts. There is a portal; Jace and Clary make out to a power ballad - oh the love cube. Tarot cards belonging to Dorothea (CCH Pounder) are important, Clary is stolid and vague, Jace can’t take peer critique because he has the loudest mouth and is selfish, oafish and irresponsible. Hodge (Jared Harris) has pious pity.

There is no tension in this film, but it is good. It’s a shame they won’t make anymore, I would have liked more of the mesmerising Valentine and his ecstatic malevolence. The film ends with sequel hooks and unresolved plot threads. Is Hodge deal? Will Jocelyn resist psychic death? Will Alec wake up? What will happen due to Simon being bitten by a vampire? Would Idris have featured in a sequel? The exact nature of Clary and Jace’s relationship is left vague and why can anyone stroll into the Institute?

Best Lines:
“Yeah, we’re fitting in.”

“It’s a Mortal Instrument, one of the three holy objects of my people.”

“You’re hanging around with some dyed-blonde wannabe Goth weirdo? Where’d you come across this guy?”

“I’m not stupid, am I? Don’t answer that.”

“Is this the part where you start tearing off pieces of your shirt to bind my wounds?”
“If you wanted me to take my clothes off, you should’ve just asked.”

“It became definite when she didn’t die.”

“A war that can never be won. But must always be fought. Demons don’t die easily.”

“This is a top.”
“It’s a dress.”

“How is being dressed like a hooker gonna help me find my mom?”

“She looks like someone whose phone number should be on a bathroom wall.”

“Bach was a Shadowhunter?”

“The broken make the best followers.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Independent Study

Independent Study: The Testing 2 by Joelle Charbonneau
Book 2 of ‘The Testing’ trilogy is a good continuation. Cia and Tomas have won places at the prestigious university. But there is a menacing tone to their studies. Failure will be penalised. The spoiled Tosu City students undervalue colony students and the endless tests continue. Cia is determined to excel at whatever is thrown at her and slowly but surely she learns the bitter truth of the secrets of the United Commonwealth and the price that must be paid to succeed. Cia has choices to make, but can she make them? This dystopia is cold, dark and very enjoyable.

Best Lines:
“Names of countries and people long dead.”

“There will be consequences to this night.”

“Students know failure requires a price.”

“Questions will be asked. Questions we do not want to answer.”
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