January 11th, 2014

Scary Books

Trailer, Quotes and Stuff

‘Collider’ trailer
This odd indie film looks interesting.

‘Hollyoaks’, John-Paul has ugly dress sense. Carmel begs Theresa to forgive her for telling the cops Theresa killed Calvin. WTF? Theresa goes to the big house and doesn’t want Kathleen-Angel visiting her in prison. Robbie pushes Finn over the edge. Chester is all slime balls according to this show. Finn physically assaults John-Paul and then mutters about showing him who the real man is. And so the assault escalates. Ste is an insensitive twit and Fraser turns on Trevor. Pickled brains everywhere in Chester.

Best Lines:
“I’ve had this coming for a long time.”

“Detention, again?”

“You’re beyond help you need locking up.”

I am reading ‘Hellfire’.

Caramelised shortbread = ugh and they smell like rancid cheese.
Cocoa shortbreads = cheap tasting.

I will review ‘Burke and Hare

‘Hellfire’ Quote:
“To ensure that the current war will actually have an end. At least, one we can all live with.

‘Don’t Trust The B---- In Apartment 23’ Quote:
“Respect your therapist/take your meds/our pain is hopefully finite.”

‘The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“Before we peel the foil back from your bounty.”

“It’s more than you did.”

‘Raising Hope’ Quotes:
“I’d rather eat cheese on cardboard than eat a pizza with a whole-wheat crust.”

“Get me a banana and a doughnut.”

“It is you. You know I saw a mousey girl with limp hair and I just took a gamble.”

“I would like you to meet, but not judge me by: my daughter Sabrina, her fiancé Jimmy, his child with a serial killer and his poor parents.”

“We sign a waiver promising not to fornicate.”

“For you I could wait a month.”

“We only have two deluxe cabins. We had three but the methheads got into one and blew it up.”

“Once we got hoarse from screaming and you stopped hitting me with your shoe, we calmed down and we figured it out.”

“All those pretty fountains we stole the coins from until we had enough to bribe the bus driver.”

“This is maw-maw and paw-paws old sex box.”

“I’d assumed there’d be more hot pants.”

“It’s weird isn’t it?”

“Do not wear glow in the dark g-strings you bought on the street.”

“We’re not word people Jimmy.”

“Aren’t you a cashier at a grocery store?”
“Yes, but I do that ironically.”

‘Insidious: Chapter 2’ Quotes:
“She brought something back with her.”
“Not just one thing, many things. And they’re living here in this house with you.”

‘The Inbetweeners Movie’ Quotes:
“They’re all corrupt. Basically if you misbehave and don’t have the money to bribe em. They take you up to these shepherds’ huts in the hills, beat you up and bum you.”
“If they don’t kill you, you kill yourself cos of the shame of getting a boner whilst you were being bummed.”
“Right, couple of things. Firstly the hills here are full of timeshares not deserted shepherds huts. Secondly Crete’s in the EU so I think the standard of policing probably goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.”
“Believe what you want, I’m keeping a bribe up my arse just in case.”
“You’re going to spend the whole holiday with 20 euros rolled up inside your arsehole?”
“It’s been up there since the seatbelt signs went off mate.”

“I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well rather than stay here.”

“At best I am ambivalent towards most of you. But some of you I actively dislike, for no other reason than your poor personal hygiene or your irritating personalities.”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Tracking The Tempest + The Thirteenth Tale + Long Live The Queen

Tracking The Tempest by Nicole Peeler
Book Two of the ‘Jane True’ series is described as ‘captivating and irresistibly kooky’ which is an utter lie. Jane True hones her new found supernatural powers, shags her dudebro vampire lover and investigates gruesome murders. All the while her body is a tourist attraction as everyone wants her in one way or another. She ignores all evidence that her extravagant optimist lover is an interfering tool whose love is a veneer and she keeps up pages upon pages of navel gazing first world problems. While Book One had some promise, it all evaporates here. Jane and everyone in her world needs to just go away.

The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
This was a disappointing tale of mental illness, family secrets and madwomen. Margaret Lea, a reclusive bore, is invited to write the biography of beloved author Vida Winter. Vida tells Margaret her bizarre life story that involves a decaying mansion, eccentric servants and a degenerate rich family whose violence and sexual perversity casts a long shadow. This was an over written gothic mess that was made into a lame BBC drama starring the over actors Vanessa Redgrave and Olivia Colman.

Best Lines:
“All men do not seek intelligence in a wife.”

“Why Emmeline lets herself be beaten (and have her hair pulled out, and be chased by Adeline wielding the fire tongs in which she carries hot coals) I have yet to understand.”

“Anyone who might have known the answer to those questions is dead.”

Long Live The Queen by Kate Locke
The 3rd and final book in ‘The Immortal Empire’ series is not as good as ‘God Save The Queen’ and ‘The Queen Is Dead’. Goblin queen Xandra Varden realises how fragile her society’s Victorian steampunk way of life is, someone is plotting, an unexpected development takes place and things are resolved more or less. It is all just so boring. Humans are obstacles, the big bad is defeated way too easily and the unreal artificial Victorian steampunk ethos continues. This was sadly dull and boring.

Best Lines:
“I think people who say all the right things have been trained to say them.”

“I was worried that they’d eat you.”

“Well, you did have her committed.”

“Close your mouth, girl. It’s unseemly.”