December 31st, 2013


Trailers, Quotes and a 1997 Tape Tale

‘Sherlock’ promo
Is Sherlock really so obtuse that he can’t accept that John won’t forgive him at once? Looks okay.

Best Lines:
“It is just possible that you won’t be welcome.”
“There isn’t any.”

‘Bitch Slap’ trailer
This exploitation film seems to be about a group of women who bend over a lot, fire guns and fight. There are jail breaks and Iolaus from ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ swearing a lot. This looks trashy and weird.

Best Lines:
“Next stop: brown town.”

‘Delivery Man’ TV spot
Just when you think Hollywood had scraped the bottom of the barrel, they scrape through the barrel.

‘Pacific Palisades’ Opening credits
This 90s failed soap had cheesy music, orange tans, duck lips, buck teeth, big hair, someone named Lucky Vanous and Joan Collins. No thanks.

Ginger biscuits = okay.
I like salted caramel cream with caramel liqueur.
I do not like cherry liqueur chocolates.
Sausage rolls = a classic.

There will be no review of ‘Banshee’ 1x05 ‘The Kindred’.

I may review ‘Hostages’ and ‘Charlie Bartlett’.

Reviews of ‘Fearful Symmetries’, ‘Serpents in the Garden’, ‘Don’t Look Back’, ‘Plague World’, ‘Sparrow Hill Road’, ‘Cuckoo Song’ and ‘We Were Liars’ forthcoming.

The Shadow Tracer’ Quotes:
“His vision of the law now brooks no dissent and no mercy.”

“They collect wives like Happy Meal toys.”

“Saw what the Worthes actually are. Creepy meth heads and polygamists.”

‘The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole’ (book) Quotes:
“Ask Sita to tell me how to work our electric kettle.”

“The dog on the other hand, had one of its mad fits, and had to be restrained with a rolled-up Guardian.”

“The best thing about the evening was the interval when Pandora played her viola in the refreshment room.”

The Simpsons’ Quotes:
“This is praying?”

“I spilled my pills.”

“Please don’t use that word in bed.”

“What if I homeschool?”
“You’re bluffing; I’ve driven by your home.”

“Who here wants to touch radiation?”

“Every rap sheet has a first line.”

“That innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog faeces right into that monster’s mouth.”

“Are you dating this boy?”

“You two are the worst dressed gay men I’ve ever met.”

‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ Quotes:
“I’m about to stop it.”
“Oh, that’s new.”

“That was a cow.”
“Udder destruction.”

“That’s right pretty boy.”

“It’s going to take us days of pain and crippling physical effort to get there.”

“You won’t be getting any sleep tonight.”
“Thought you were tired, oh.”

“It’s got that scary, don’t-look-under-the-bed kind of feel to it.”

“You tell me I’m wrong.”

“Am I dead? Again?”

“You let him go and I’ll stake you quickly.”

“Hercules versus a chicken?!?”

“Baywatch BC.”

“I’ll change my ways I promise! I’ll only drink when I’m awake!”

“We’ll be combining corporate re-engineering techniques with ancient Navaho rituals to enhance the efficiency of your overall group dynamic.”

“We’re going to kill Herc’s little buddy Iolaus.”
“How original, we’ve only killed him twice already.”

“What a pity.”

“Hang in there buddy.”

“I’m presupposing that spirituality is unique to personifable deities.”

“My mistakes kill people.”

“I can’t think of any offhand but I’m sure they’re out there.”

“Play one round of naked leapfrog with you, please.”

“I gotta go find something that looks like Iolaus.”

“I’m here to wipe the floor with your face.”

Cleared out a tape from 1997. It opened with a ‘Star Trek Voyager’ ep ‘Worst Case Scenario’ in which Paris plays a holonovel which depicts a Maquis mutiny. Do TPTB recall the Maquis? Seska bores even in a holonovel, Paris bores, Chakotay was a great character and then he wasn’t. This was febrile with ridiculous plot twists.

Best Lines:
“No talking.”

“That is an entirely implausible plot development.”

Then came a season 1 ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘The Black Wolf’ which had bad acting, endless fights scenes and Xena teaching people not to be haters. This ep floundered.

Best Line:
“Those boots, that leather, those legs: Xena.”

Then came the ‘Pilot’ ep of ‘The Burning Zone’. This show had bizarre CGI, great opening credits and starred Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Tamlyn Tomita. Marcase (Morgan) is a jerk and Shiroma (Tomita) doesn’t like him. Hailey is Defence Intelligence and Cassain is not in this ep. Paul Guilfoyle of ‘CSI’ and Peter Frechette guest star as the hosts of a sentient virus. A sealed tomb was opened allowing the sentient virus to escape. This show had weird religious overtones and bad acting but it had appeal. The virus tells Marcase how it sealed itself away to survive the Great Flood. Hailey is in peril, Shiroma uses ancient computer technology, a flamethrower is turned on Frechette’s character and the ending shows the virus is still out there. This show was axed and so much was never followed up on. This was good; will ‘Helix’ be like this?

Best Lines:
“Someone’d better get down here before I start throwing furniture.”

“You’re that weird, uh?”

“A nightmare from hell.”

“We were very glad to see you. Humans are our natural hosts. Through you we express our consciousness.”

“We are god.”

“What I saw was fever-induced psychosis.”

“There’s a diagnosis straight out of the 13th century.”

“Which meant cleaning out the victims body cavities by hand!”

“The biological makeup of ancient oceans.”

“Now we are in you too.”

Finally there was a ‘Babylon 5’ ep ‘Atonement’ in which Zack is security chief, Delenn wears a bathrobe and emotes on the floor. Lennier is a tool. The idiot Sheridan/Delenn romance drags on. Delenn recalls her genocidal role in the Earth/Minbar war, I’m sure Sheridan is proud to be publicly loved up with a war criminal. Marcus and Franklin head to Mars. No-one gives a toss about Garibaldi. Delenn tantrums, to her nice is just a place in France. This reeked.

Best Line:
“Don’t. Even. Ask.”
Scary Books

Moonfleet + The Thirteenth Tale Reviewed

Moonfleet (2013)
This two part adaptation of the classic novel had promise in the first half, but the second half was brought down by smug self satisfaction. A grizzled smuggler named Elzevir (Ray Winstone) foils Customs & Excise. While John a young orphan (Aneurin Barnard of ‘The White Queen’ and ‘The Facility’) hero worships him. Then a mean magistrate named Mohune comes to town to end the smuggling, John has a religious nut aunt, a crypt is flooded, there are stories of a legendary diamond and John broods in the corners of rooms. Grace the evil magistrate’s daughter is irritating and has no concept of social norms. John is attracted to her for some reason. John also goes swimming naked for some gratuitous arse shots. Then he goes diamond hunting, ineptly. John is annoying, the smugglers are awful and inexact psalms and a rusty locket provide clues and then Mohune meets his end. John is an idiot and people jump off the cliffs of Dorset (actually this was filmed in Kildare).

The drip Grace is an idiot, sneering crone. John’s diamond fever takes him down a 50 fathoms deep well. John has a lack of comprehension of ordinary social interactions. No-one asks how the diamond got down the well in the first place. There are supernatural hints which are never important. Things get chaotic and squalid. John is charmless, cold, sour and superbly irritating. A man in a silly wig mischief makes, people end up in a desolate prison and then on a ship to slave away on sugar plantations. Moral messages are hammered home, a CGI storm blows and Grace unwittingly does something useful. This was okay despite idiot characters and plot holes.

Best Lines:
“We are the King’s hammer.”

“Damn them all.”

“Don’t get it shot off.”

“Let him die there.”

“I’ll see you in hell Mohune.”
“Yes, but you shall be there first.”

“There’s not a well in Dorset, let alone Moonfleet that is fourscore deep.”

“I think I’m frightened.”

“I’m trembling.”

“Your greed will kill us both.”

“Get yourself a husband and get one quick.”

The Thirteenth Tale (2013)
This BBC2 adaptation of the gothic novel wasn’t that good. Dying famous writer (Vanessa Redgrave) invites hatchet faced biographer Margaret (Olivia Colman of ‘Broadchurch’ and ‘Bad Sugar’) to write her life story. In Vida’s remote house, she tells the misery faced Margaret her tale of her bizarre family, child neglect, terrible twins, decay, men in white coats, an ominous governess, a creepy doctor, incest and death. Margaret is oddly enthralled by this dark and disturbing tale of a household that resembled crazed caged rabid ferrets and spews out her own sob story back-story. Vida responds by telling the rest of her tale of downtrodden seedy lowlifes. It is a tale of insanity, half wits, an over sexed gardener, murder and there is a twist. This wasn’t good at all. How were the authorities so supernaturally indifferent to what was going on up at the big house?

Best Lines:
“I can’t abide politeness.”

“I see.”
“No, you don’t.”

“I don’t think we can allow that.”

“She seems impervious to any kind of human emotion.”

“There was a ghost at Angelfield all along.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: The Mummy + Rogue + Paranormal Activity 2

The Mummy (1959)
This Hammer Horror stars Peter Cushing as one of a group of tomb raiders who open a tomb. The grave robbers pay for their desecration as a venal evil guy in a fez lurks and a forceful mummy rampages around the soundstages. This has lumpy structure and a cast who chew the scenery like it’s built from custard doughnuts. Flashbacks to ancient Egypt reveal the mummy used to be a high priest (Christopher Lee with eyeliner and fake tan). The 1999 ‘The Mummy’ ripped off this film. The mummy lumbers, a woman looks like a dead Egyptian princess, there is plot illogic, comedy working class chaps and this was dull. Maybe I should have watched Hammer’s ‘The Abominable Snowman’ instead.

Best Lines:
“You must not continue digging here.”

“Confound this leg!”

“There’s something evil in there.”

“After 4000 years the words of the scroll brought it to life again.”

“What was on the cart?”
“A great ruddy box.”

“Have his tongue cut from his mouth so that the cries he would utter during the fate that awaited him should not offend the ears of the gods.”

“This little bunny lying down there.

“Their standard of intelligence must have been remarkably low.”

Rogue (2007)
How fast can you swim?

In the remote outback of Australia, a travel writer (Michael Vartan of ‘Alias’) goes on a wildlife river cruise. He fancies the guide, Kate, as she points out the salt water crocodiles that are living dinosaurs who like to hunt. Idiot tourists gape and Kate’s bogan ex boyfriend (Sam Worthington of ‘Avatar’) shows up to annoy. The atmosphere of dread builds until the boat is rammed by a giant salt water crocodile in a gorge and they end up stranded on a sand bank in a swamp. Escape seems impossible, the unflinching crocodile is ravenous and various characters are whining crow faced idiots who are as rough as badgers. This was good, tense and scary as it comes down to man v croc in the croc’s larder. Mia Wasikowska is one of the annoying tourists.

Best Lines:
“Look at the size of the bastard.”

“How big is this boat?”
“Big enough.”

“This is a tidal river.”

“Stay away from the water!”

“We need light to see, it doesn’t.”

“A steam train with teeth.”

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)
I didn’t like the first film and this film wasn’t much better. An upper middle class housewife (Sprague Grayden of ‘Jericho’) faces demonic territorial threat display. Her husband is useless and could turn milk by staring at it. Her toddler son is in peril and her stepdaughter is a dirty sausage gobbler. This is not appealing, applicable, believable or original. It was incoherent crap populated by whiner babies; I’d rather have watched ‘Bridge to Terabithia’. The ‘twist ending’ was a yawner.

Best Lines:
“How could I put it up wrong? It’s on a hook.”

“How does it get out at night?”

“Weird people came to our house.”

“The more we paid attention to it, the worse it got.”