November 28th, 2013

Scary Books

Trailer, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Battery’ (2012) trailer
Slacker morons survive a zombie uprising as some tuneless Bob Dylan knockoff drones on the soundtrack. No.

I am reading ‘When Elves Attack’.

‘Eastenders’ Quotes:
“I’m the dumb bimbo that everyone leaves.”

“I’m not your salvation.”

‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ (book) Quote:
“No one in this arena was a victor by chance.”
Scary Books

Book Review: Heart Shaped Box

Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill
From the author of ‘Horns’ comes this disappointing substandard ghost story. Aging death metal rock god Judas Coyne buys a ghost on the internet (as aging death metal rock gods do) for his collection of the macabre. It is a bad decision as a malevolent spectre takes up residence in his house. As Coyne tries to rid himself of the ghost, a tale of abuse and magic is revealed. This disappointed, Joe Hill isn’t as good a writer as his famous father Stevie King.

Best Lines:
“Place is crawling with toothless, possum-eating trailer-trash full of weird ideas. You can wear a crown of thorns to your job at the Krispy Kreme and no one will bat an eye.”

“I hope all the pot you smoked in the seventies was worth it.”

“It was like living next to a coffin-maker after a plague.”

Dracula 1x04 + Elementary 2x06 Reviewed

From Darkness To Light
Lady Jane isn’t a very good vampire slayer if she can’t tell she is sleeping with a vampire who has no heartbeat. Speaking of which, if he has no heartbeat, then how do they have sex? Dracula’s accent is all over the place. A vampire minion of Dracula’s shows up to annoy. Mina and Harker fawn over each other, the Victorian equivalent of Katie Price and Peter Andre. Lucy looks like an anime hooker.

The Order of the Dragon wants war against the Ottomans for the oil. Grayson does crap with geo-magnetism. Is Mina the reincarnation of Illona? Does anyone care? The prat Harker reminds me of Charles Saatchi. Mina meddles. Lady Jane is a stick and is turned on when Grayson takes her to a female mud wrestling fight. Peter Woodward of ’Crusade’ guest stars as a General menaced by the Order of the Dragon.

The father of the man driven to suicide seeks vengeance on Grayson and abducts Renfield. Lady Jane nearly pops out of another corset. A vampire fight goes through some glass doors in a good scene, which was the only enjoyable part of this crappy ep.

Best Lines:
“Seems the Order Draco is more forward thinking than I gave it credit for.”

“A huntsman. A female of all things.”

“My wife died four centuries ago. I know. I was there.”

“You call this a success?”

“Flattery is a dull blade.”

“I could smell her stink on you.”

An Unnatural Arrangement
Gregson’s estranged wife (Talia Balsam of ‘The Kindred’) is menaced. A cute cop named Basken asks Joan for help. Holmes says marriage turns people into howling neurotics. Gregson has a stalker and his wife is a harpy, no wonder he did something weird to his hair. The plot goes down various dead ends before being revealed to be all about theft from excavations. This was crap; Holmes has a bad character and makes misogynistic comments.

Best Lines:
“Someone’s knocking over falafel carts.”

“He called me a bell-end.”

“I look shot to you?”

“You’re conscious, excellent.”

“Tea. Tibetan fried bread.”

“Feeling guilty about something, probably the hooker he picked up earlier.”

“No friends of any sort.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Phantom

Phantom (2012)
This ‘The Hunt for Red October’ knockoff is worthy but slightly dull. During the Cold War, a soviet submarine Captain and his many demons (Ed Harris) heads off on a mission on a rust bucket diesel sub. Along for the ride are his loyal First Officer (William Fitchtner of ‘Prison Break) and a greasy KGB agent (David Duchovny). What follows is allegedly inspired by actual events.

The Captain and his sob story back-story broods. The KGB agent is a radical true believer who has a plan and sparks a mutiny. The Captain and First Officer object to the coarsening of culture aboard their boat and strike back. This was okay if dull, but the ending is bizarre. Lance Henriksen and Dagmara Dominczyk have small roles.

Best Lines:
Trying to start the only kind of nuclear war we can win. One we’re not in.”

“What makes you think they’d use it?”
“We would.”

“The irony is a bit excessive.”

“The navy’s an unforgiving place.”

“We’re in her acoustic shadow.”

“I have a bullet for every man on this ship!”

“There are only two reasons why a boat would go rogue. One is to defect and the other is to start a war. And I don’t think we’re defecting.”