Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome (2012)
A sequel to ‘Caprica’ and a prequel to ‘Battlestar Galactica’, this takes place 10 years into the first Cylon war. Rookie pilot William Adama is assigned to the Battlestar Galactica. The unnamed Commander (Brian Markinson of ‘Continuum’) sends the hotshot, horny, arrogant Adama on a mission with the drunken Coker. The Galactica is in its prime, it is a shame we never see it in action.
This was filmed on green screen and a lot of lens flare is used to cover up the iffy CGI. Adama, Coker and their mysterious passenger set off on their mission. Their passenger used to work for Graystone Industries (what happened to them?) and is pale and wan. Cylons attack, the trio encounter a ghost fleet and Adama gets his call sign. The trio sneak around on a Cylon occupied winter sports resort planet, encounter a crazy marine and Adama beats a Cylon to death with a pipe. It has to be a running joke at this point, in the ‘Razor’ webisodes Adama beat a Cylon to death with a wrench while in freefall and in the miniseries he killed another with a torch.
While the first half of this was good, the second became bogged down in plot illogic. This was a shiny attempt by TPTB to monetise their bad taste. There was a voice cameo, horrible music and it had unfulfilled promise.
“Thanks. I’d be if I were you.”
“We’re 10 years into a bad war.”
“I’m pretty sure they’re fraking dead too.”
“Do you think because you’re more enlightened than the rest of your species, we hate you any less?”
The Hitchhiker (1983 – 1987, 1989 – 1991) 3x13
One Last Prayer
This HBO anthology was introduced and concluded by a mysterious wanderer in acid washed jeans known only as The Hitchhiker. He explores the foibles and dark spirit of humanity. Songwriter Miranda (Lisa Blount of ‘Profit’) is sick and tired of being a poor nobody. She and her greasy boyfriend have been chasing fame forever, now they have finally got the attention of a record company. Broke, meek Miranda wants to be a rock star and invents an image to get noticed. During a makeover montage she hacks at a dress and her hair with a pair of shears, puts on porno red lipstick and a lot of tacky blue eyeshadow. This 80’s Madonna look gets her a recording contract.
She films a cheapass looking music video for her awful song. Her manager tells her to ditch her boyfriend. Suddenly electronics start operating themselves and things get deliriously hysterical as the illusionary image Miranda created comes to malevolent life and she has an overflow of hate for her creator. The common and vulgar Miranda runs around in a tacky 80s sweater as her echo chamber voiced image chases her while singing her song. It is like a Madonna drag act. Miranda created an erroneous image that could and would succeed; it succeeded in replacing Miranda and is set to become famous. This was okay but the acting was terrible.
“This is all I’ve ever wanted!”
“Kim Lavelle can’t even sing! She sounds like a busted chainsaw!”
“Talent and integrity isn’t always enough.”
“This is not even okay.”
“He’s gotta go.”
“Just shut up, you disgust me.”
“You’ve waited a long time for me.”
“I’m a wonderful creation.”
“You? Nobody cares about you. It’s me everybody wants Miranda. Me.”
A Young Doctor’s Notebook 1x04
The Young Doctor has a flood of syphilis patients and he is now addicted to morphine due to cabin fever. The Young Doctor denies and hides the fact he is a junkie. The Young Doctor is called out in a blizzard because a woman got a gatepost in her brain. The Young and Older Doctor sit in an old tin bath tub moaning. The Young Doctor has morphine withdrawal and swears. The Older Doctor in 1934 is in an asylum drooling on himself. This was not good, it is too bleak and I won’t bother with series 2.
“Can you give me something?”
“I can give you a spade, to dig three little holes.”
“There’s Turkish erotica.”
“Certainly not, you’re naked.”
“They’ve got a whore now.”
“Would morphine help?”
“Where did you last see it? Russia?”
Sherlock Holmes (1984 – 1994)
The Devil’s Foot
The Granda TV show starred Jeremy Brett as the great detective and David Burke and later Edward Hardwicke as Watson. Today only Burke is still alive. This episode aired originally in 1988. The show had wonderful theme music. Watson takes the miserable Holmes who is having a nervous breakdown into the countryside for sea air.
Not soon after their arrival, Holmes is asked to investigate a bizarre case. A man has found his sister dead and his two brothers turned into drooling lunatics. Who or what could have caused the horrific events? Holmes explains it all nearly killing himself and Watson (Hardwicke) in the process. The blighter responsible for the terrible events get got, Holmes hallucinates Moriarty and calls Watson by his first name. This was sadly dull.