November 21st, 2013

Scary Books

Thoughts of the Day

San Pellegrino sparkling orange = yum.

I made choc chip cookies.

Sparkling Sicilian Lemonade = nice


I am taking a break from ‘Hollyoaks’ as it is kind of boring.


There will be no review of ‘Under The Dome’ 1x12 ‘The Enemy’.


I will review ‘An Adventure in Space and Time’.

To Light The Way To Bed

Book Reviews: Hide + From A Buick 8 + Strange Candy + Resistance

Hide by Lisa Gardner

A decades old mass grave is found. Annabelle Granger who has spent 25 years on the run suspects the mass grave is connected to why she and her family had to flee their home. This is a taut, suspenseful, excellent novel.


~

From A Buick 8 by Stephen King

Ned Wilcox visits his dead father’s State Trooper barracks. His father’s colleagues tell him about the Buick they have hidden in a shed for nearly 30 years. Except it’s not really a Buick and it’s definitely not from around here. This is an ordinary, everyday tale of other-worldly horror and it is good and creepy.


Best Line:

“If you go in there, you might not come back out.”


~

Strange Candy by Laurell K. Hamilton


Those Who Seek Forgiveness

The 1st ever ‘Anita Blake’ story about a zombie raising gone awry. This was good and dark.


A Lust of Cupids

A woman runs from cupids. This is funny, ever so slightly sinister and good.


The Edge of the Sea

A woman’s friend is murdered by a merman. Creepy and good.


A Scarcity of Lake Monsters

Lake monsters are studied. Okay.


Selling Houses

A real estate agent in the world of ‘Anita Blake’ has to sell a house after the previous owners were slaughtered by a demon possessed family member. This was very good.


A Token For Celandine

Set in the world of ‘Nightseer’, a healer seeks redemption. Very good.


Geese

A woman hides from her enemy. Good.


Here Be Dragons

A woman can enter dreams; she works as a doctor in a prison and uses this gift to help the inmates. She is asked to help a sociopathic young girl with the same ability. This was excellent, creepy and has a nasty twist ending.


~

Star Trek The Next Generation: Resistance by J.M. Dillard

The Enterprise E returns to duty after the events of ‘Nemesis’. Vulcan counsellor T’Lana calls the crew on their crap. Picard hears the Borg Collective and learns they are planning to annihilate their enemies. Admiral Janeway refuses to believe Picard but somewhere out there a Borg cube and its Queen waits. This was very good, gripping and scary. The relentless Borg are planning their massive attack (as depicted in the ‘Destiny’ trilogy) but nobody knows that yet.


Best Line:

“The Borg Collective is regrouping and they’re here, in the Alpha Quadrant.”

Scary Books

Retro Review: The Tudors (2007 – 2010) Season 1

1x01

Henry VIII knocks up Bessie Blount. Sean Pertwee is wasted in a cameo role. A young Anne Boleyn shows up. This was good soap.


Best Line:

French bastards. Bastards!”


1x02

Henry meets the French king. Wolsey (Sam Neill) sulks. Anne Boleyn is suddenly all grown up. Okay.


1x03

Charles V visits. Everyone hates Wolsey. Henry falls in love with Anne Boleyn. The Mary Rose sails by. Henry’s sister Margaret Tudor (who is a bizarre mash up of his two sisters Mary and Margaret) is orange. Thomas More is told he is not a saint. This was okay.


1x04

Margaret Tudor is married to the King of Portugal, whom she later murders. That never happened. Thomas Cromwell shows up to lurk. Okay.


1x05

Henry tells Katherine that their marriage is over. Dull.


1x06

Anne Boleyn revels in being Queen to be as she rides pillion with Henry. She is unaware she has less than eight years to live. Okay.


1x07

The sweating sickness strikes. Henry hallucinates. The idiotic Thomas Tallis subplot drags on. Good.


1x08

Wolsey cannot stop his fall from favour. Anne Boleyn gets Lutheran books from abroad. Katherine insists her marriage is valid. The Tallis plot bores. Okay.


1x09

Princess Margaret Tudor dies of the incurable cough of death. Anne Boleyn introduces Henry to Lutheranism. Boring.


1x10

Thomas More burns Lutherans. Cromwell is ordered to get the King a divorce. Wolsey falls from grace and kills himself. Anne and Henry nearly get it on in a forest but she demands coitus interruptus and Henry stomps around the forest yelling with rage. This was ridiculous.

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Retro Review: Blood Ties (2007)

This series was based on the ‘Blood’ books by Tanya Huff. Canadian PI Vicki Nelson meets vampire Henry Fitzroy and they fight crime. Along for the ride is Vicki’s on/off/on boyfriend Michael Celluci (Dylan Neal of 'Arrow'). This series was cancelled due to a low budget, dreadful CGI, Vicki’s wildly inconsistent eye defect, awful writing and the new character Coreen annoyed.


1x07 Heart of Ice

A wendigo eats the homeless. Celluci is approached by an icily evil baddie (Julian Sands of ‘Warlock’). This was low rent but good. I never liked the smug arrogant snot Henry.


1x09 Stone Cold

Written by Tanya Huff. Celluci is menaced by the oddly tragic Medusa. Good.


1x15 5:55

Vicki is caught in a time loop thanks to Pandora’s Box. Celluci dies during one loop and Vicki must save him. Very good.


Best Line:

“He was killed by the bog monster?”


1x16 Bugged

Coreen gets Vicki to look into deaths at a Goth club. Vicki encounters a demonic bug woman. Henry and Celluci have tension. Okay.


1x17 The Devil You Know

Christiana, Henry’s sire, shows up. Okay.


Best Line:

“How can I miss you when you won’t go away?”


1x21 We’ll Meet Again

A teenage boy wants to find his soulmate. He is half of a pair of star crossed lovers who have been reincarnated together over and over again. But this time his love is married to someone else and doesn’t want him. Things get ugly. Vicki realises she’s alienated Henry and Celluci. This was very good.


Best Lines:

“They all ended in property damage, abuse, restraining orders and death.”


“Even true love has its breaking point.”


1x22 Deep Dark

A demon from 1x01&1x02 returns. Vicki is astoundingly selfish. This leads to Celluci getting fired. Vicki chooses Celluci but he doesn’t want her anymore. He storms off. Henry won’t be second choice and he storms off too. Vicki is left all alone and cries as the show ends. This was good. So Celluci’s abusive father is in hell, the demon has just strolled off whilst possessing an innocent, Henry has decided to leave the city in a hissy fit and Vicki is billy no mates. And there will be no resolution on that ever. Unless you read the books, which took things very differently.


Best Line:

“She told me that if I left, she’d eat my soul.”

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Blood & Chrome +One Last Prayer +Young Doctor's Notebook 1x04 +Devil's Foot Reviewed

Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome (2012)

A sequel to ‘Caprica’ and a prequel to ‘Battlestar Galactica’, this takes place 10 years into the first Cylon war. Rookie pilot William Adama is assigned to the Battlestar Galactica. The unnamed Commander (Brian Markinson of ‘Continuum’) sends the hotshot, horny, arrogant Adama on a mission with the drunken Coker. The Galactica is in its prime, it is a shame we never see it in action.


This was filmed on green screen and a lot of lens flare is used to cover up the iffy CGI. Adama, Coker and their mysterious passenger set off on their mission. Their passenger used to work for Graystone Industries (what happened to them?) and is pale and wan. Cylons attack, the trio encounter a ghost fleet and Adama gets his call sign. The trio sneak around on a Cylon occupied winter sports resort planet, encounter a crazy marine and Adama beats a Cylon to death with a pipe. It has to be a running joke at this point, in the ‘Razor’ webisodes Adama beat a Cylon to death with a wrench while in freefall and in the miniseries he killed another with a torch.


While the first half of this was good, the second became bogged down in plot illogic. This was a shiny attempt by TPTB to monetise their bad taste. There was a voice cameo, horrible music and it had unfulfilled promise.


Best Lines:

“I’m impressed.”

“Thanks. I’d be if I were you.”


“We’re 10 years into a bad war.”


“I’m pretty sure they’re fraking dead too.”


“Do you think because you’re more enlightened than the rest of your species, we hate you any less?”


~

The Hitchhiker (1983 – 1987, 1989 – 1991) 3x13

One Last Prayer


This HBO anthology was introduced and concluded by a mysterious wanderer in acid washed jeans known only as The Hitchhiker. He explores the foibles and dark spirit of humanity. Songwriter Miranda (Lisa Blount of ‘Profit’) is sick and tired of being a poor nobody. She and her greasy boyfriend have been chasing fame forever, now they have finally got the attention of a record company. Broke, meek Miranda wants to be a rock star and invents an image to get noticed. During a makeover montage she hacks at a dress and her hair with a pair of shears, puts on porno red lipstick and a lot of tacky blue eyeshadow. This 80’s Madonna look gets her a recording contract.


She films a cheapass looking music video for her awful song. Her manager tells her to ditch her boyfriend. Suddenly electronics start operating themselves and things get deliriously hysterical as the illusionary image Miranda created comes to malevolent life and she has an overflow of hate for her creator. The common and vulgar Miranda runs around in a tacky 80s sweater as her echo chamber voiced image chases her while singing her song. It is like a Madonna drag act. Miranda created an erroneous image that could and would succeed; it succeeded in replacing Miranda and is set to become famous. This was okay but the acting was terrible.


Best Line:

“This is all I’ve ever wanted!”


“Kim Lavelle can’t even sing! She sounds like a busted chainsaw!”


“Talent and integrity isn’t always enough.”


“This is not even okay.”


“He’s gotta go.”


“Just shut up, you disgust me.”


“You’ve waited a long time for me.”


“I’m a wonderful creation.”


“You? Nobody cares about you. It’s me everybody wants Miranda. Me.”


~

A Young Doctor’s Notebook 1x04

The Young Doctor has a flood of syphilis patients and he is now addicted to morphine due to cabin fever. The Young Doctor denies and hides the fact he is a junkie. The Young Doctor is called out in a blizzard because a woman got a gatepost in her brain. The Young and Older Doctor sit in an old tin bath tub moaning. The Young Doctor has morphine withdrawal and swears. The Older Doctor in 1934 is in an asylum drooling on himself. This was not good, it is too bleak and I won’t bother with series 2.


Best Lines:

“Can you give me something?”

“I can give you a spade, to dig three little holes.”


“There’s Turkish erotica.”


“Certainly not, you’re naked.”


“They’ve got a whore now.”


“Would morphine help?”


“Where did you last see it? Russia?”


~

Sherlock Holmes (1984 – 1994)

The Devil’s Foot

The Granda TV show starred Jeremy Brett as the great detective and David Burke and later Edward Hardwicke as Watson. Today only Burke is still alive. This episode aired originally in 1988. The show had wonderful theme music. Watson takes the miserable Holmes who is having a nervous breakdown into the countryside for sea air.


Not soon after their arrival, Holmes is asked to investigate a bizarre case. A man has found his sister dead and his two brothers turned into drooling lunatics. Who or what could have caused the horrific events? Holmes explains it all nearly killing himself and Watson (Hardwicke) in the process. The blighter responsible for the terrible events get got, Holmes hallucinates Moriarty and calls Watson by his first name. This was sadly dull.


Best Line:

Cornish hospitality."