November 8th, 2013

Scary Books

Book Review: The Ceremonies

The Ceremonies by T.E.D Klein
This 1985 alleged classic horror was a thundering disappointment. An evil old man plans rites to unleash horror. He manipulates a sexist, racist, homophobic, rape culture perpetuating jerk named Jeremy into staying on a farm run by religious nutters. Than he manipulates boring virgin Carol into hanging around Jeremy.

I don’t care about the planned apocalyptic nightmare because the characters are so loathsome. Jeremy in particular is a foul perverted misogynist who demands Carol have sex with him, lusts after his host’s wife and thinks Carol enjoyed being raped by an eldritch abomination during the book‘s pitiful big climax. Carol still marries him at the end of the book. This novel was ridiculous, foul, offensive, racist and sexist. It is an utter failure so don’t read it.

Best Lines:
“He’d probably expect such lore to be found only in ancient leather-bound tomes with gothic lettering and portentously sinister titles.”

“Woman! Remember yourself!”

“When you can hear a spider walk across the floor, you know it’s time to keep your socks on.”

“How can we know that the person next to us is as human as we are?”

“Thank the Lord it didn’t live.”
Scary Books

Dracula 1x02 Reviewed

A Whiff Of Sulphur
Dracula is well hard except when he is muttering about Imperial Coolant. Flashbacks to 1881 show how Van Helsing made a deal with Dracula aka Vlad the Impaler. How could a 19th Century Dutchman and a 15th Century Wallachian communicate? How did Van Helsing know where Dracula was? Who put him in the iron box in 1781? Why did the Order Of The Dragon kill Van Helsing’s family?

Grayson and Van Helsing promote geo-magnetic power. Lucy wears more red. The Order Of The Dragon mutter on about huntsmen and seers. Grayson hangs out with people he clearly doesn’t like and hires Jonathan Harker as his PR man and buys him a house. Lady Jane stomps around shouting, Seers smoke opium and Harker can see the flaws in Grayson’s back-story.

Identical evil men with beards mutter. No-one regards Lady Jane as scandalous for being wanton. Harker has suspicions. Mina has a big exam. The seers see Dracula and he sees them. There is a reference to a certain Borgia being a vampire. Lucy does not like Harker. Grayson visits a gay bar to blackmail an Order Of The Dragon member. Mina overhears the goob Harker dealing her a serious slight. Grayson learns Lady Jane is a vampire hunter. This was just dull; Jonathan Harker has no emotional inflection.

Best Lines:
“We must obstruct him at every turn.”

“Nothing adds up.”

“It is possible if he is very, very old.”

“Legions of less broad-minded souls.”

Trailers and Stuff

‘Dracula’ 1x03 promo

‘True Detective’ promo

I think I’ll skip ‘Gravity’.

There will be no review of ‘Under The Dome’ 1x10 ‘Let The Games Begin’.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Will is still in the opening credits. Whatever happened to him attending university? Dirk still has Will’s university acceptance letter but apart from that does not care about Will anymore. Dodger creates fake drama. Patrick lies and he, Dodger and Dirk all hug. Clare’s funeral is to be held and Theresa makes a big, tacky wreath that spells out Clare’s name. Ste and Darren object to this floral tribute. Clare’s older sister Grace who looks like a stewed Julie Burchill shows up.

Sandy learns Fraser has two daughters when Ste smashes up Clare’s wreath and Fraser gets violent. Darren screams. Trevor and Grace prevent Fraser from chasing Ste down with a crowbar. Trevor of all people is Fraser’s morality pet. Ste is loud, obnoxious and deliberately causing fights. Fraser and Grace claim to have loved Clare - where were they then when she married and tried to murder Max? Sam thinks the sun shines out of Fraser’s backside.

Martha leaves. Darren ignores the fact that Sandy is his mother. Ste ignores the fact that the Lomax clan live in Brendan’s old flat. How do the Lomax clan all fit? Tom’s brain seems to have fallen out of his dead. Grace and Fraser make a charm offensive and make evil plans to kill Dr Paul. Said Dr Paul is now hidden in the freezer at Price Slice.

Best Lines:
“My son, the killer.”

“I came this close to shoving him off.”

“And you are?”

“All these loons.”

“That little scrote...he’s the one that should be in a coffin!”

“I’m going to teach Ste Hay a lesson!”

“Trackie wearing lowlife!”

“That scumbag Ste Hay.”

“And a decent man like him doesn’t need a lowlife like you hanging around.”

“That doesn’t make Fraser a bad man.”
“No. But him trying to throttle me does.”

“They’ll never let him out.”
Scary Books

Kings Watch #1 & #2 + The Green Hornet #7 Reviewed

Kings Watch #1
The Phantom, Mandrake and Flash Gordon come together in this adventure saga. It is better than ’Defenders of the Earth’. The trio along with Dale Arden and Lothar look into strange dreams and odd lights in the sky. What or who is behind it? This was good.

Best Lines:
“Silence, demon. You have no knowledge that I want.”

“Africa. That really narrows it down.”
“Perhaps if you had not immolated him for a few more minutes.”

“How many told you to repent on the way in, Arden?”

Kings Watch #2
Flash Gordon flies into the phenomena. There are cameos by Ming and the Hawkmen. The grizzly Phantom runs around the jungle in purple fighting strange beasts that now wander the Earth. Mandrake speaks of a portal and a demon lord. Is the demon lord meant to be Ming? Dale Arden talks about a Quantum Crystal. There is magic and fighting. This was good, I am really enjoying this.

Best Lines:
“The Ghost Who Walks.”
“I sometimes ride a horse too.”

“This seven-foot man with the spear doesn’t look like he’s waving us through.”

The Green Hornet #7
The Hornet gets violent. The baddies are collaborating with Nazis who don’t need collaborators anymore. Reid opens a radio station. Casey is brought in on Reid’s big secret, mostly off-screen. Another man in a mask shows up and Reid predicts the web. This was good.

Best Line:
“Kato and I still argue about that.”