November 3rd, 2013

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 1998 tape tale

‘XMen: Days of Future Past’ trailer
I didn’t even bother with ‘The Wolverine’ as I am sick of Hugh Jackman. I read the graphic novel a few years ago and am looking forward to this. Time travel, Storm, Beast and an evil midget. Where is Emma Frost? Where are the Sentinels? This looks okay.

Best Lines:
“A darker past.”

“I was a very different man.”

“I don’t want your future.”

‘Dracula’ 1x02 promo

‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ TV spot

Reviews of ‘Quintessence’, ‘No Time Like The Past’, ‘Covert Affairs’ season 3, ‘Banquet For The Damned’, ‘Black Wings of Cthulhu volume 2’, ’Touch & Go’, ’Parasite’, ’Beauty’ and ’House of Small Shadows’ forthcoming.

I skimmed the new Sherlock Holmes book ‘The Will of the Dead’. It was awful, enough with the steampunk crap.

There will be no review of ‘Under The Dome’ 1x09 ‘The Fourth Hand’.

I made fondue: yum.

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“It was a car; they considered the car the deadly weapon.”

“I was her evil older sister.”

“You don’t recall a knife fight that you escaped through a window?"

“Did Quincey ever get kicked by a pimp?”

‘Bromwell High’ Quotes:
“Keisha is like Terminator. Only harder.”

“Like a sleepy turd in the toilet bowl of British education.”

“I’ve got pills to control my violence. I’ll just take them for once.”

“Him looks like a dog’s arse.”

“Maths is as easy as 1, 2, 7.”

“People is intolerant. It is saddening.”

“And no more books. These kids can’t read anyway.”

“I is show you bitches!”

“This is like nasty Germany!”

“I love Valentine’s Day.”
“Yeah I like the bit where everyone gets drunk and your dad fights with policemen”
“That’s Christmas Day.”

‘The Counsellor’ Quote:
“When the axe comes through the door, I’ll already be gone.”

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Ruby is leaving soon. What prompted the massive cast cull? Sienna is keeping Tom prisoner. John Paul calls Danny a “Two-timing closet case.” Doug and Leanne’s joint funeral is held. Darren seems to regret hooking up with the shrill, joyless hag Sienna. Leela continues to be awful. Finn is objectionable. Doug’s mother shows up and mentions Doug’s father is too sick to travel to his dead gay son's funeral. Doug is being buried in Chester. Ste makes an idiot speech about how Doug did his hovering. Leah is at the funeral but where is Lucas? Sinead finally brings up the weirdness of Ste and Danny’s near hook up. What does Will know about Patrick? Martha sees an important locket that holds pictures of little Dodger, Will and Liberty. Dirk is a big, fat space filler.

Best Line:
“Next thing you’ll be using a thing called deodorant.”

Cleared out a 1998 tape. It opened with a season 2 ‘Due South’ episode ‘Flashback’ in which Fraser gets amnesia. This is an excuse for a crappy clip show. Then came a season 3 ‘Forever Knight’ episode ‘Black Buddha part 1’ in which two cast members are killed off in a plane explosion. Nick’s annoying new partner shows up and she meets a vampire (Ben Bass). Why was this show so overlit? Natalie is little miss all about me. And why doesn’t the blood Nick keeps in wine bottles in his fridge coagulate? Plus whatever became of Geraint Wyn Davies after this show? This was a yawner.

Then came a season 2 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ episode ‘Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered’ in which Cordelia dumps Xander. So he gets the non-rat Amy to cast a love spell. It makes every woman in Sunnydale fall in love with Xander except Cordelia. Cue overlit mayhem. Spike and Drusilla bore. Giles bores. Violence erupts and this bored.

Best Line:
“Buffy for the love of God don’t open that raincoat.”

Finally there was another season 2 ‘Due South’ ep ‘Some Like It Red’ in which Catholic schoolgirls are in peril. So Fraser goes undercover at their convent school in drag. It is supposed to make sense in context. This was unfunny. Meg Thatcher annoyed, a nun (Michele Scarabelli of ‘Alien Nation’) used to date Vecchio and a wild child student (Heather McComb of ‘Profiler’) with an inappropriate boyfriend has found a vault on school grounds. The wild child is a moron and Fraser is an ass. This ep was a disappointment.

Dracula 1x01 +Stumpy’s Brae +The Blacklist 1x05 + Nikita 3x13 + The Mob Doctor 1x13 Reviewed

Dracula (2013 - 2014) 1x01

The Blood Is The Life
In 1881 Romania, Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers of ‘The Tudors’) is freed from a prison. In London 1896 Dracula is pretending to be Alexander Grayson, an American industrialist who lives in Carfax Manor. Various women in historically inaccurate costumes run around panting after him among them Lucy (Katie McGrath and her bad bleach job), vampire hunting harlot Lady Jane (Victoria Smurfit) and boring medical student Mina. Grayson promotes electricity while sporting a bizarre US accent, awful people have seriously hostility to Grayson and a group of bad people known as The Order Of The Dragon do bad things and have done for centuries. The goob Jonathan Harker is a journalist. This has nice opening credits, Dracula chews on some people and it is revealed that Jack The Ripper was invented to cover up a vampire rampaging through Whitechapel.

This was okay. Grayson hides his aversion to sunlight, the boring Mina may be Dracula’s reincarnated wife and Lady Jane keeps a vampire in a cage in her cellar. The Order Of The Dragon don’t like vampires and enjoy torturing them instead of killing them. Scenes are copied from ‘Daredevil’ and ‘The Prestige’, Grayson has an unexpected ally and a plan is in motion. I’m intrigued for now. Who imprisoned Dracula in that iron box?

Best Lines:
“After all these long years, how famished you must be.”

“How distressingly American.”

“Interloping colonials.”

“Readily identified by their overtly grotesque sense of entitlement.”

“This empire of lies.”

“I was concerned that as an American that you might not understand the meaning of the word discreet.”
“I had to look it up.”

Stumpy’s Brae (2013)
This BBC2 Halloween offering is an adaptation of the poem by Cecil Francis Alexander.  A bad adaptation with scare chords and incomprehensible lingo. A peasant and his wife have their savings stolen by thugs. An old peddler shows up looking for shelter and they kill him and chop him up. All to steal his tat because the wife wants to go to America. The odious people get theirs and the wife is worse than any common woman. This was rubbish.

The Courier
Keen is agitated and distressed about Tom being low-life scum. The adoption is still on however and the Keen’s are being watched. The scrubber of the week is the courier (Robert Knepper of ‘Prison Break’) who makes deliveries and kills people. There is a car chase with bad green screen, a hilarious “put your hands up” scene and Ressler pretends to be a violent thug. An NSA analyst has been buried alive by the courier. Said courier has a shocking abusive back-story. Tom has found where his wife hid the stash. The FBI dance to Raymond’s tune. Raymond has an adversary and the blacklist is all part of a masterplan to find said enemy. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“They replace trust with fear and the threat of violence.”

“Capable of the occasional moment of tenderness which likely brings on the desire to stay up all night watching Asian porn.”

“You hit?”
“Not my blood.”

“That’s something else entirely.”

“She tried to strangle me with a stocking.”

“You don’t want me to answer that.”

Amanda was humiliated by Nikita not murdering her and wants vengeance. Ari’s idiot son Stefan is stupid. Owen bores. Alex still has no reaction to Ari. Owen shouts. Stefan is dumb. Everyone is stupid and Amanda maybe reveals who made her. This was crap. Alex is in peril from Amanda but I don’t care.

Best Lines:
He therefore had no life to return to.”

“Maybe the real Amanda’s worse.”

“Then we both die a horrible death.”

“I did throw you off a balcony.”

Life and Death
The final ever ep. What happened to Moretti? It’s not mentioned. The shooting does not seem to violate Constantine’s parole. Constantine’s Robert Duvall and some of his crew are dead. Agent York finally resurfaces as does Franco. Grace’s mother dies. Constantine tells Grace he is her father. Grace has no interest in her half brother Luke. Grace’s boss finally points out she is compromised and that he has known all along what she was up to. Grace makes a deal with the cartel on behalf of Constantine. She finally realises what a foul man he is when he reveals he plans to break the deal. So she kills him and runs off to Mexico with Franco. So she abandons Nate who faces 20 years or so in jail, she turns her back on her nurse friend and Brett, her job, her career and her good name all for the lying greaser Franco. This was okay but the ending was awful. Franco was as awful as Constantine. Grace had to face consequences. But this ending was rubbish. Grace was selfish to the end.

Best Lines:
“Be the man you pretend to be.”

“I can’t allow it. Not anymore.”

“You can’t prove anything.”
“Actually I can.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Culled + Kill Or Cure + School's Out

The Afterblight Chronicles: The Culled by Simon Spurrier
Before the publishers wrecked this series, it was good. This is book one and it begins five years after the Blight arose and swept across the world leaving civilization in ruins. A man is determined to fight his way from the ruins of London to a desolate New York in search of the only thing that has meaning to him in this devastated world. This was good full of blood, filth and horror. It also has the trope of a crazy religious cult which was rarely mentioned in later books.

Best Line:
“This was before the thing went airborne, before the mass graves and gasmasks, before they firebombed St Mary's and sent out the A-Vee body carts with the speakers and the flamethrower turrets.”

The Afterblight Chronicles: Kill or Cure by Rebecca Levene
In book two Jasmine has spent five years since the Blight trapped in a bunker. She is rescued by Queen M, a warlord in the broken plague-devastated world. Someone is spreading a new plague and Jasmine must stop him. This was okay, back-story and future plot arcs are set up. Most would be inexplicably dropped. But one thing seems clear: the Blight was deliberate. Shame that revelation was never resolved.

The Afterblight Chronicles: School’s Out by Scott Andrews
In book three the aftermath of the Blight led to a boy’s boarding school becoming a refuge. But school bully Sean has set himself up as a tin pot dictator and is picking fights with vigilante neighbours and a cannibal blood cult. Lee wants to take Sean down but has idea how. This was very, very good with black comedy and references to ’Eastenders’ and the 1970’s ’Survivors'. The ending sets up more plot arcs but the saga took a downturn with book four ‘Dawn Over Doomsday’. After that the only good later books in the saga were ‘Arrowhead’ and ‘Death Got No Mercy’. Sadly the publishers just seemed to have let the saga peter out and end with no resolution.

Best Lines:
“He’d thrown in his lot with a bunch of tweed-clad fascists who probably thought The Cull was all the fault of immigrants.”

“On the whole I try to avoid picking fights with people, especially people who are clearly insane...but now I was doing exactly that, armed only with a detachable piece of flushing toilet.”
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Scary Books

Movie Review: Thor: The Dark World

Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Thor reunites with Jane, Loki pulls the same old crap, Odin is a terrible father, Frigga is dead meat walking and evil elves try to destroy the universe. There are fights, too many explosions and space Vikings in flying longboats fighting elves in spaceships. Jane has shampoo commercial hair, Thor has a gratuitous torso shot, people die, there is humour and a twist ending. This was okay. It wasn’t as good as the first film or ‘Avengers’ but it was entertaining. However the mid-credits scene that sets up 2014’s ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ was rubbish looking despite all the muttering about Infinity Stones.

Best Lines:
“Loki is dead.”
“Oh thank god.”