October 31st, 2013

Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ final trailer
Looks good and best of all no Gale.

‘Penny Dreadful’ promo
Mmmmm.

‘Strike Back: Shadow Warfare’ promo
Ha!

Best Lines:
“I know you’re British intelligence.”
“I’m not British. He’s certainly not intelligent.”

‘The Counsellor’ TV spot
WTF?

‘The Eagle’ TV spot
Looks dumb.

‘16 & Pregnant’ Quotes:
“Has anyone ever heard of frikin’ sophistication?”

“Matt has no job.”

I may review ‘The Eagle’ and ‘The Shining’.

‘Atlantis’ has been renewed. How?!?

They’re rebooting ‘Charmed’? Oh come on!

‘The Walking Dead’ got a 5th season somehow.

They are making a sequel to ‘Olympus Has Fallen’? Heh.

I am reading ‘The Ceremonies’.

Red Berry Granola and Seven Nut Granola = yum.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, the residents naughty, idle and ungodly life and company goes on. Patrick slaps Maxine to the floor after a nice dinner descends into a row.  Maxine has a massive bruise on her face and thinks about leaving Patrick. He manipulates her into staying. The increasingly distressed Maxine will only to be able to placate Patrick for so long; someday it won’t be enough for him. Patrick disowns Dodger. Will is rabid. Dirk is oblivious. Martha mourns Ash and Callum but seems to forget she has a third child: Lacey. Nancy is out of the loony bin. Nana McQueen notices the “pong in the loft” that is Dr Paul decomposing. Dirk offers to clean out the loft so Cindy shags him to keep him out of the loft. Sandy is a nurse of all specialities apparently. John-Paul’s surrogate Chloe shows up to mooch more money. Sienna sees a chance to get a baby. Tom is still missing.

Best Lines:
“You are no longer my son.”

“Dodger, your superhero son who can’t do no wrong.”
“Oh don’t start with that waffle again Will.”

“God forbid you should say hello to your dead girlfriend’s mother.”

“They get up in the eaves and die.”

“Lovely manners for a commoner.”

“Did I honestly just see that?”

“I can smell his stench on you.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: The Goonies

The Goonies (1985)
The over-rated cult classic isn’t that good. Jake (Robert Davi) breaks out of jail with the help of his brother and foul mother. This somehow ties into a group of annoying, eye-rolling, sass talking, screaming tweens (among them Corey Feldman, Martha Plimpton, Sean Astin, Short Round and Josh Brolin) going on a treasure hunt. Also there is Pepsi product placement and people wearing ugly 1980s leisure wear.

The ‘hero’ kids bully the fat kid and enunciate loudly admid sex jokes. Their houses are being foreclosed on to build a golf course and so the tweens set off to find pirate rich stuff to save their homes. There are jokes about moving to Detroit, Cyndi Lauper singing and Josh Brolin riding a tiny pink bike.

There is bad green screen, girls screaming, boys yelling and a Sloth in the cellar. Robert Davi sings, the fat kid is menaced with a blender by three criminals, the goonies are deeply unpleasant people with parents who look dead and there are jokes about Sloth's bad parenting. The film degenerates from there. Logic goes right out the window: who built an organ made of bones? How did they get into the wishing well? Why didn’t the pirate ship rot? Why did someone mention an octopus? Why is the fat kid wearing plaid?

Best Lines:
“Oh wow, a police chase!”

“I would really like the house clean when they tear it down.”

“Oh God, am I depressed.”

“I’ll hit you so hard when you wake up your clothes will be out of date.”

“My mom’s going to yell at me.”

“You always liked him better.”
“That’s right.”

“I hate nature! I hate nature!”

“Really disgusting people.”

“We spent the money on Francis’ toupee.”
“I don’t wear a hairpiece!”
To Light The Way To Bed

Book Review: Once Upon A Time, part 1

Once Upon A Time edited by Paula Guran, part 1
From the editor of ‘New Cthulhu’ and ‘Witches’ comes this fairy tale anthology.

The Coin of Heart’s Desire
A newly crowned Empress makes a bargain with a dragon. Okay.

Best Line:
“I like to eat historians. Their bones whisper the most delicious secrets.”

The Lenten Rose
A sequel to ‘The Snow Queen’. Good.

The Spinning Wheel’s Tale
By Jane Yolen, the spindle from ‘Sleeping Beauty’ tells its tale. Good.

Best Line:
“Foolish acorn child.”
Scary Books

Arrow 2x03 +Dead Man's Folly +The Mob Doctor 1x12 +Elementary 2x02 Reviewed

Broken Dolls
A killer Lance put away years earlier escaped from prison due to the undertaking and now is killing people. Felicity has been sexed up, the scrub turkey face Laurel is allergic to sleeves and has shiny, unmoving skin and a pointy chin. Moira plays martyr. Lance renames the Hood the Arrow and somehow fails to realise the Arrow is Oliver. A woman named Sin lurks. Diggle, Felicity and Oliver don’t seem to have jobs. A plot point revolves around skin scream made from crushed mother-of-pearl. The Starling City cops seem inept, the DA seeks the death penalty for Moira, the Canary hangs out in a clock tower and the sneering Laurel decides not to be anti-Arrow anymore. It seems she finally realises Tommy’s death was her fault. Moira still has secrets and her lawyer (Teryl Rothery of ’SG1’ and ’Profit’) has a horrible haircut. The Canary and her tatas does gymnastics and Ra’s al Ghul is mentioned. Is to be played by Liam Neeson? In flashback Slade growls and Oliver ends up in yet more trouble. This was bad and would the cops really keep a serial killer’s escape secret?

Best Lines:
“He has another shoulder.”

“Maybe you’re an idiot.”

“I’m tired of living here. Aren’t you?”

“Get him! Get him!”

“Miss Queen has languished in the Iron Heights prison for five months.”
“And in those five months did the 503 people she’s charged with killing miraculously return from the dead?”

“A guy with a bow and arrow can’t save a guy who’s had a building fall on top of him.”

“Nice mask.”

“Going after bad guys is so last year.”
“To her I am the bad guy.”
“Since when?”
“Since I didn’t make it to Tommy in time.”

“A sonic thing.”

“Let her play with her corpse.”

~
Agatha Christie’s Poirot: Dead Man’s Folly (2013)
An adaptation of the 1956 novel which I really like. The annoying Poirot (David Suchet hamming it up) is summoned to Nasse House where a planned murder mystery is leading to a real murder. Poirot stomps around as class snobbery is rampant, people with ‘foreign’ accents lurk and people develop word vomit around him.

The characters include guttural growler George Stubbs (Sean Pertwee) who has bad hair and ugly clothes, his really stupider wife Hattie (Stephanie Leonidas), Mrs Oliver (Zoë Wanamaker) a batty writer, an annoying beatnik, a doddery old man, George’s secretary Miss Brewis who hates Hattie, the displaced Nasse House chatelaine Mrs Folliat, the utterly superfluous Sally Legge and Hattie’s visiting cousin Etienne De Souza who can’t act.

The fake victim in the murder mystery is murdered for real, Hattie vanishes, Inspector Bland (Tom Ellis) shows up and is ignored as the carbo-loaded Poirot and his ridiculous moustache solves the over elaborate case of murder and criminal impersonation off screen as someone is wrongly accused and faces a fast trial. This was good even if they changed the ending. This is an improvement especially after Suchet mangled ‘Halloween Party‘ and ‘Death on the Nile’ and utterly ruined ‘Cat Among the Pigeons‘ and ‘Murder on the Orient Express’. However there are plot holes in this: wouldn’t there be photographs of the alleged victim? How does the arrogant, shouting Poirot get away with barging into the case and causing the final tragedy? How could a character just stand idly by as murders were committed? Why does a murder victim’s sister not seem to care their sister is dead? Why didn’t the old soak speak up before he was murdered? How does Poirot get away with being a moral arbiter? What was the purpose of the wannabe posers lurking around Nasse House? So much death, despair and dissolution could have been avoided if someone had just spoken up sooner.

Best Lines:
“Foreigners, can’t read a map.”

“There are some very strange people here.”

“Awfully rich and awfully common.”

"Tea is stupid.”

“Girls in little short trousers.”

“London nonsense.”

“She was fine. Moronic but fine.”

“Working for those lunatics has driven me to drink.”

“I don’t think Cousin Hattie has the mental capacity for writing letters.”

“What on earth possessed him to marry her?”

“We’ve some kind of psychological lunatic wandering freely in Devon.”

“I’ll throttle the ponce with his ridiculous tie!”

“Bon.”

“Hid ‘em in her knicker drawer.”

“He came back.”

“I like sex maniacs. I’ve read about them.”
“I do not think you would like to meet one.”

~
Resurrection
Grace and Dr Wilcox deal with a Lazarus patient. Constantine wants to protect his idiot bastard son Luke but a cartel is after him. Grace learns a mobster’s girlfriend is trans. Franco is still AWOL. Nate is nowhere to be seen. This ep was annoying like Jake Bugg. Luke oozes self pity. The cartel show up and gun down the grizzled face Constantine and several minions. A cliff-hanger to lead into the final ever ep.

Best Lines:
“What exactly happened in there?”
“We have no idea.”

~
Solve For X
Watson tries to be a good friend to an entitled brat, but there is a limit. Holmes annoys. Watson broods. A math problem leads to murder. Watson talks about the patient whose death caused her to stop being a surgeon. The murderer learns scheming is a lonely business. This was dire. Where is Mycroft?

Best Lines:
“About as useful as a pet rock.”

“The river smells like rancid cod.”