October 25th, 2013


Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Captain America: The Winter Solider’ trailer
Black Widow, no Hawkeye, Robert Redford and a shield catch. I’m not sure.

Best Lines:
“This isn’t freedom. This is fear.”

“Before we get started, does anybody want to get out?”

“All the guys in my barbershop quartet are dead.”

‘Battlestar Galactica’ season 1 promo
When this show was good it was very, very good but when it was bad: it was HORRID.

‘Hex’ series 1 promo
From 2004. Good promo, awful show.

‘The Client List’ promo

Tom Hardy is to play Elton John in a biopic?!?!

Norman Reedus of ‘The Walking Dead’ played one of Paige’s many men in ‘Charmed’? I did not know that.

‘Battlestar Galactica’ season 1 Quotes:
“This is a witch hunt. I will not have it aboard my ship.”

“Adama is a cylon.”

“I’m terminating your Presidency as of this moment.”

Awkward’ Quote:
“My mother’s greatest humiliation - me.”

‘Don’t Trust The B---- In Apartment 23’ Quotes:
“I’m gonna unseat that foot ho.”

“Garden basement trash.”

“I did a lot of plays.”
“And a lot of drugs. And a lot of dudes.”

“Don’t you dare Patrice!”

“She tried to die on me. But I found her.”

“What’s worse than a foot ho?”
“A dead foot ho?”

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Ste meets yet another half sister and calls her a “gobby tramp” Tony is crass about Doug’s death. Leah and Lucas are visiting Ste. Why is Amy letting them stay? Ste has no house because Clare blew it up! Dodger has walked off bricks falling on his face. Maxine is devoted to the vicious ass Patrick who is tormenting her. Where are Doug’s family? Ste has a snot drizzling cry over dead Doug. Danny has three daughters: Peri the tween brat, Tegan who has just had a baby and Leela the gooby tramp. Peri and Tegan accept Ste, Leela violently rejects him. Danny coos over his latest unexpected grandchild.

The Roscoe’s are trash. Ruby struts around in booty shorts, it is kind of demeaning. Leela steals Leah’s candy, I'm tired of her already. Patrick is a violent, scowling bully. Ste was conceived when Danny cheated on Sam. Leela mocks Ste for being a gay widow. Ste lists off his life of woe to her. She mocks harder so Ste stomps off. Dodger wants a baby. Who wants to bet that Tegan’s bastard child is his? Ste tells Tegan how to be a mother. The Roscoe chav, Robbie, tries to gaybash George and Vincent. So Vincent shoves Robbie into some bushes while calling him a “disgusting little boy.” Nice one. But I’ve read spoilers about what Robbie and his chav pal Finn will do to John-Paul in 2014.  Poor John-Paul, Robbie and Finn are awful.

Best Lines:
“Special cuddle.”

“He’s shaved his bum fluff.”

“Anymore secret babies going to popping up from the drain?”

“Go knock somebody else up.”

“My stepdad was a waste of skin.”

“You two need to start your own colony for pig ignorant morons.”

“The little gay cuckoo.”
Scary Books

Movie Review: Starship Troopers

Starship Troopers (1997)
This wonderful sly satire of war movies is based very loosely on Robert A. Heinlein’s novel. In the fascist future pretty but dumb brainwashed teenagers (played by people in their 20s and 30s) sign up to wage an unending war against the bugs. Rico (Casper Van Dien and his scary square jaw) is loved by Diz (Dina Meyer) but he is obsessed with the slut Carmen (Denise Richards). The not very bright Rico’s friends include loudmouth Ace (Jake Busey) and the psychic Carl (Neil Patrick Harris). Rico’s mentor is Rasczak (Michael Ironside) and his love foe who steals Carmen is the noxious Zander (Patrick Muldoon).

The Federation plans a massive (and inept) assault on the bug home world, Klendathu. Along the way we get death, Diz stalking the dim Rico until he loves her, death, goo, humour, bug attacks and the Federation showing they have no concept of tactics, an exit strategy or even first aid. This brilliant parody film and it's War Is Awesome theme has propaganda, war, slightly ropey SFX and Clancy Brown, Rue McClanahan, Brenda Strong and Dean Norris have small roles. This excellent movie was followed by several inferior sequels.

Best Lines:
“Fresh meat for the grinder.”

“I think I got what it takes to be a citizen.”
“Good for you. Go find out.”

“A fully automatic Beretta. Who wants to hold it?”

“Mormon extremists disregarded Federal warnings and established Fort Joe Smith deep inside the Arachnid Quarantine Zone.”

“Most of you will not live to be in the Mobile Infantry.”

“You think that you can lick my navs?”

“Buenos Aires has been wiped off the Earth.”

“Here’s the beer!”

“Pick up the General.”

Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries + Under The Dome 1x08 Reviewed

Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries (2003)
This miniseries was the reboot of the dodgy 1970s show and it was good. What followed, not so much. The cylons were created by man, they rebelled and waged war. 40 years after the armistice, the cylons return.

The Battlestar Galactica is to be decommissioned and transformed into a museum.  Commander Adama (Edward James Olmos) is to retire. Education Minister Roslin and Adama’s utterly annoying son Lee (Jamie Bamber of ‘Outcasts’) are guests at the ceremony during which a brief excerpt of the 1970‘s original theme music plays. Everyone is unaware that the cylons are nuking the Twelve Colonies in a genocidal attack. Dr Gaius Baltar (James Callis) was led to betray the Twelve Colonies by the cylon Six (Tricia Helfer) whose spine glows red during sex. Galactica is soon the last Battlestar (or so they think). Gaeta (Alessandro Julini) is ultra competent, ace pilot Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) gurns, Helo (Tahmoh Penikett) is left behind on Caprica, Lee is a turd, Boxey is rescued and later would vanish never to be seen or mentioned again and Roslin becomes President which was a joke.

The cylon Leoben (Callum Keith Rennie) shows up in Ragnar Station as Galactica hides from the cylons. Adama beats him to death with a torch. Roslin forms a rag tag fleet of civilian ships. But only ships with FTL capabilities can escape to Ragnar. Those without FTL are abandoned to die in a chilling scene.

Baltar is one of those saved and has visions of Six and is only too eager to express no real remorse about his mammoth betrayal. Adama decides the fleet will FTL jump to unknown space to escape. The escape from Ragnar as the cylons mount a massive attack is brilliant. After that Adama claims to know the location of the lost Thirteenth Colony; Earth. But he is lying to give the fleet hope. Roslin is smug and a joke. Sharon (Grace Park) is a sleeper cylon agent. Adama growls, stares and gets angry. His XO Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan) is a drunk. Roslin’s aide Billy is a wet rag. Dualla (Kandyse McClure) has no idea of the crap TPTB would rain down on her. Tyrol (Aaron Douglas) is good at his job but also has no idea the crap TPTB would rain down on him. Cally has not yet become the writer’s favourite character to kick around. This was good, grim and apocalyptic. This led to season 1 which the show’s best season. Standout moments were: ‘33’, ‘Water’, ‘Act of Contrition’, ‘You Can’t Go Home Again’, ‘Litmus’, ‘Six Degrees of Separation’, ‘Flesh and Bone’, ‘The Hand of God’ and ‘Kobol’s Last Gleaming 1&2’.

Best Lines:
“In a few hours, no-one will be left to charge you with anything.”
“What exactly are you saying?”
“Humanity’s children are returning home. Today.”

“As of this moment, we are at war.”

“Why can’t we use the starboard launch?”
“It’s a gift shop now.”

“The tactical situation is that we are losing.”

“There’s no-one left.”

“The war is over and we lost.”

“Anyone of us should have seen the perfectly obvious staring us in the face.”

“This was is over. We lost.”

“We are not alone in this universe.”

“We’ll find them.”
“By your command.”

“The 13th tribe left Kobol in the early days. They travelled far and made their home upon a planet called Earth which circled a distant and unknown star.”

Thicker Than Water
This show is as horrifyingly awful as Richard Dean Anderson’s face. Big Jim disowns Junior. Both Big Jim and Junior are violent, scowling idiots. Norrie and Angie annoy. Ollie is seemingly the only farmer in town. A food shortage looms. This could be any 90s adaptation of any 90s airport paperback, it is that bad. Joe does unpaid emotional labour. Big Jim leads two assaults on Ollie’s farm. Julia is still stupid. Linda and her fellow doughnut hogs are useless. Angie gets yet more screen time as she and Norrie smash snowglobes and discuss teen boot camps. Norrie needs to shut up. No-one on this show can act. Junior does more murdering. Barbie is a non-event and this was crap. I don’t care about any of these people or the orb in the woods. The book was so much better.

Best Lines:
“Faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.”

“Bad things happen when we’re together.”

“The monarch will be crowned.”

“It’s the bitch’s own fault she’s dead.”

“You’re in a snowglobe.”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: The Tommy-Knockers + Universes, part 4

The Tommy-Knockers by Stephen King
This 1988 novel is one of King’s best. Whilst walking in the woods, Bobbi Anderson stumbles over a buried object. She is driven to dig it up and that is the start of a terrible, terrifying transformation of the little town of Haven. Bobbi’s friend Jim Gardner is a washed up drunk with a violent streak. Believing Bobbi is in trouble (and more right than he knows) he pays a visit and gets caught up in the horror of the thing Bobbi has unearthed in the woods. It has been there for twenty five thousand centuries and digging it up is sending the town insane.

This is an excellent chilling novel of aliens, madness, inventions and body horror. The corrupting dark power in the woods is also a metaphor for King’s then rampant drug addiction. The book is however a big dated both technologically (no mobile phones, no internet, no Google Earth and the transformed Haven residents don’t think to invent such things) and politically.  This was made into an abysmal miniseries, so read the book and pretend the miniseries does not exist.

Best Lines:
“Poisonous green light.”

“Following the shouting there was the sound of a chainsaw cranking up followed by a gunshot and a scream.”

“They’ll let him in, but he’ll never get out again.”

“A creature who lived under the glow of a different sun conceived this mark.”

“Touching a symbol made and struck by God only knows what sort of being across a black distance of light-years.”

“They were coming for him, as he supposed he had always known they would.”

“It has a chewed look, that hole.”

Universes by Stephen Baxter, part 4

The Ice War
This alternate take on ‘Anti-Ice’ sees a ner’do’well meet up with Swift, Defoe and Newton for a different take on a War of the Worlds. Okay.

Best Line:
“I never saw before or since three men with a combined age of one hundred and ninety-two years hop in a ditch with such alacrity.”

The Ice Line
In a follow on to ‘Ice War’, the Napoleonic Wars are raging as the ice aliens invade again. Some plucky types plan a Jules Verne inspired fight back against the ice monsters. Good.

Best Lines:
“The Phoebeans come from much further away-”
“And most of us heartily wish they’d go back there,”