October 21st, 2013

Scary Books

Trailer, Quotes and Stuff

‘Reign’ trailer
A tween drama about Mary Queen of Scots. Which not only looks historically inaccurate (women running around in their underwear, no headdresses and no jewels) but says Mary changed history. What by getting her head chopped off for being a terrible Queen and a murderous ho?

I tried Katy Perry’s new perfume Killer Queen. I think I now know what mustard gas smells like.

Marilyn Manson to be in ‘Once Upon A Time’ season 3? Oh hell no.

‘Toast of London’ is a dreadful unfunny comedy.

‘Don’t Trust The B---- In Apartment 23’ Quote:
“I made out with two girls while you were telling that stupid story.”

‘The Hills’ Quote:
“A small town with big drama.”
Hawkeye

Movie Reviews: SWAT + Journey To The Center Of The Earth

SWAT (2003)
A violent bank robbery goes awry thanks to hotshot cops Street (Colin Farrell) and Gamble (Jeremy Renner of ‘Avengers’, ‘Thor’, ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ and ‘Hansel & Gretel: Witchhunters’). Street (and his slipping accent) is disgraced and Gamble stomps off to do bad things. Hondo (Samuel L. Jackson) shows up to form a new SWAT team and gives Street a chance to redeem himself. So Street, Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez of ‘Lost’), Deacon (LL Cool J) and TJ (Josh Charles of ‘The Good Wife’) form a new team. After a long dull training session, they have to escort a sleazy French drug dealer (Oliver Martinez) to jail. The evil frog promises $100 million dollars to whoever busts him out. And all the would be claimants come crawling out of the woodwork.

Gamble and a traitor on the team try to rescue evil frog and Street and co must foil their evil plans. It all comes to a climax as a lear jet lands on a bridge and Street attempts to stop Gamble and his permasneer of determinism. Meanwhile their boss Captain Fuller (Larry Poindexter of ‘Blade: The Series’) is unhelpful. This was dull even if Renner plays a good baddie.

Best Lines:
“Busting down doors with J’Lo.”

“You’re like a goddam rash!”

“I’m taking Frenchie here up on his offer.”

“Let’s go hunting.”

“Follow that jet!”

“I saw a Lear jet about to land on the 6th Street Bridge.”

“Here’s where watching ‘The World’s Most Exciting Police Chases’ pays off.”

“Frog’s running!”

~
Journey To The Center of the Earth (2008)
Trevor (the boiled bacon faced Brendan Fraser), his surly nephew Sean (Josh Hutcherson of ’Detention’ and ’The Hunger Games’) and some woman fall into the centre of the Earth whilst trying to find Sean’s long lost dad. Cue bad CGI, Brendan Fraser screaming, killer Venus flytraps, a dinosaur and violation of the laws of physics. This was dull and sappy.

Best Line:
“We’re still falling!”
Richard/Lost

Nikita 3x11 Reviewed

Black Badge
A CIA analyst, Naomi, gets a hard drive which contains files which details Madeline Pierce’s involvement with Division. Amanda has made her move, but it is actually just an opening gambit in a ploy that will see Sean’s life ruined. Nikita causes death, fires and explosions every time she opens her mouth. Sean takes his shirt off a lot and bellows out words. He and Alex both seem to have dyed themselves orange. Nikita has a paranoiac fascination with Amanda. But not paranoiac enough as Amanda murders, frames and Sean’s life is forever changed. Sean’s sisters are unseen, the FBI fail to recognise Alex, there is a twist and this was a very good, tumultuous episode. Poor Sean’s life as he knew it is over.

Best Lines:
“Division is illegal. It always has been.”

“This is bad.”
“And getting worse.”

“He gave the eulogy at my funeral. I can’t even go to his.”

“Questions that can’t be unasked.”

“Kill Sean Pierce. Again.”
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Scary Books

Book Review: The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 24

The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 24 edited by Stephen Jones
Like ‘21’ and ‘22’, this is a major disappointment. It only has one good story: ‘Slick Black Bones and Soft Black Stars’ which tells how the excavation of a mass grave uncovers something terrible.

Best Lines:
“The windows reflected only the empty room, showed not a trace of the darkness beyond the old, old panes.”

“She could no longer see the window. In time she forgot it was there.”

“Some utter, alien elsewhere, so far away its light is older than your species.”