Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (2013 - ?) 1x01
After the events of ‘Avengers’, things are different. Heroes of New York toys are available and all the heroes get mentioned, except Hawkeye for some reason. Meanwhile a troubled man (J. August Richards of ‘Angel’) has gained superpowers and they are driving him closer and closer to the edge. Meanwhile various S.H.I.E.L.D agents run around. Agent Hill bores. Agent Coulson is not dead and he acts like he is high. Coulson’s story of how he evaded death is BS according to S.H.I.E.L.D’s doctor (Ron Glass of ‘Firefly’) and there is our season long arc.
A truly annoying hacker named Skye runs around being annoying and causing trouble. This causes S.H.I.E.L.D to recruit her. Agent Ward is uptight. Agent May has PTSD or something and an annoying married couple do ‘funny’ bickering. The season long big bad show their faces. Coulson has a flying car and while this was good it also had unfunny moments, Coulson still can’t act and there was too much unnecessary slow-motion. But it had promise, like in the creepy throwaway moment where Richard’s character is described as “an unregistered gifted”.
“They’re among us. Heroes and monsters.”
“Your fireplace is broken.”
“Someone really wanted our initials to spell out S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“You get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini, you can tell it your way.”
“I live in a van, by choice.”
“It’s an origin story.”
“Less rigor mortis.”
“You’re what they step on.”
Michael has an artificial hand as three weeks have passed since 3x07. Another rogue agent surfaces to be psychopathic and boring. Owen lurks, ready to steal Nikita away. Nikita is dumb, oblivious, arrogant and makes everything all about her, again. Birkhoff bores. Michael can’t cope with what happened to him. Alex bores. Someone finally asks where Percy got all his high tech toys. Ryan is a hatstand. Owen annoys. The stick insect Nikita really does not care about Alex’s drug relapse. This bored and are we supposed to pity Nikita? TPTB have made her so unlikeable.
“Cleaner class reunion.”
“The day I met Nikita, Michael shot a rocket-propelled grenade at her.”
Constantine’s diabetes is finally mentioned again. Franco tells Grace he is an undercover cop and that the FBI is interested in her. Grace is shocked! Shocked! Constantine looks up an old friend/madam Celeste (Jennifer Beals) who makes a power play. Grace looks tired and greasy. Constantine chats to his old boss Seamus who Celeste is cosy with. Grace has a friend whose daughter is a junkie so she arranges for Nate and his crew to damage the junkie’s dealer boyfriend. Constantine’s Robert Duvall menaces Grace. Franco stalks Grace. This was okay, it is better than ’Boss’ anyway. Constantine indulges his ’Godfather’ like fantasies. Isn’t he on parole? Why don’t they just arrest him? Franco is a moron and the anti-outfit taskforce seems to consist of just him and Agent York.
“Nobody got shot. Nice job.”
“There hasn’t been a sit down since 97.”
Where did David’s evil fake dad go? Belle is still in hospital having about as much depth as condensation on a window. Then Regina triggers her fake Storybrooke memories. Belle is gone forever and all that remains is Lacey, a bar trash slut. Rumpy still wants her to love him, the tyranny of the pretty. There are endless flashbacks to Rumpy emotionally abusing Belle and menacing Robin Hood (Tom Ellis). Meanwhile the boring Greg and Tamara plot. The magic beans are almost ready to be harvested. Emma makes her cry-face. Lacey likes Rumpy’s long term reputational damage. Why hasn’t anyone killed Regina yet? David, Lacey and Rumpy bore. This was a bad ep full of belligerence, incoherence and villainous thuggery. I don’t care about the conflicted, self-doubting, violent, selfish Rumpy or the obnoxious macho Hook. I’m thinking of dropping this show.
“The crying must stop!”
“You always choose darkness.”
“I’m bored of this forest.”
“A night with your wench.”
Atlantis (2013 - 2016) 1x01
The Land Bull
The BBC are desperate for this to be a hit. Jason looks for his lost at sea dad in a personal submarine and ends up in Atlantis. Is he dead, dreaming or has he crossed into a parallel world? I don’t care. Jason shows off his torso and his bad acting. He is utterly blasé about ending up in Atlantis. He caused property destruction and never thinks to ask if he has stumbled across some cosplay LARP. He meets an Oracle (Juliet Steveson) who spews exposition, back-story, motivation and babbles about a gateway and elusive threats. This show is not chillingly surreal or ethereal or very good. Jason and his dull surprise acting fights the Minotaur. He meets a fat middle aged Hercules, Pythagoras, the possibly evil King Minos (Alexander Siddig of ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ and ‘Kingdom of Heaven’) and Minos’ daughter Ariadne. The BBC demonstrate their terror of their core demographic by throwing in a possible love triangle with a girl who may be Helen of Troy, soap opera drama via Minos’ awful wife and unfunny comedy. This wasn’t good at all.
“You’re the triangle guy!”
“He’s under the deluded impression that he’s amusing.”
“They’ve released the hunting lions!”