September 15th, 2013

Scary Books

Book Review: Libriomancer

Libriomancer by Jim C. Hines
Book one in the ‘Magic Ex Libris’ series centres on Isaac, a member of a magical organisation founded by Johannes Gutenberg. Isaac and other libriomancers can reach into books and drawn forth objects. This comes in handy when vampires attack him one day. Isaac, his pet fire spider and his dryad galpal hunt the dark power hunting him and vampires alike. Along the way they uncover Gutenberg’s secrets. This should have been good but it wasn’t. This was boring. I didn’t care about vampires, Isaac’s whining and the stupid big bad bad.
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Bad Grandpa’ trailer
Words fail me. They really do.

‘Runner Runner’ TV spot
Just go away Justin Timberlake.

Saw ‘Amadeus’. What became of Tom Hulce since 1984?

RIP Ann Crispin.

I made White Trash cupcakes. Forgot the pecans but they turned out well.

‘True Blood’ is ending after season 7. Aww, less Alexander Skarsgard on my TV.

Reviews of ‘The Blacklist’ coming soon.

‘Prime Directive’ Quotes:
“I’m a junior grade who’s spent the last year here on the moon defending red shirts for slam boxing in bars on shore leave.”

“Wouldn’t you rather have avoided the publicity of court-martialing the entire bridge crew of one of your most prominent ships.”

“The Constellation’s entire crew had been lost. Decker had destroyed both himself and his ship to avenge them.”
Scary Books

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 9 Issue 25 Reviewed

The Core, part five
Season 9 ends, thankfully, as the gang bring magic back. Buffy walks off a sucking chest wound to defeat Simone. The demon that created all vampires is too easily defeated. There are incoherent fight scenes. Buffy is responsible for Simone and takes no responsibility. The gang somehow get to San Francisco from the Deeper Well. Why can’t they leave Dawn dead? Xander coins the term slaypire as he broods. Buffy finally decides to read the Vampyr book onto to learn she can’t. What did she do down in the Deeper Well? Who is the woman at the end and why should I care? I’m not so hot for season 10. This was okay but flawed.

Best Line:
“You have a hole in your chest.”
“It’s not that big.”

“This staff only has one speed.”
Scary Books

UnderTheDome1x01&1x02+InvisibleMan1x01-1x03+MobDoctor1x06+Nikita 3x06+OnceUponATime 2x17 Reviewed

Under The Dome (2013 - ?) 1x01&1x02

Pilot
A transparent dome cuts the small town of Chester’s Mill off from the rest of the world, it also cuts a poor cow in half. Loads and loads of characters run around. Big Jim (Dean Norris of ‘Breaking Bad’) runs the town. The Sheriff (Jeff Fahey of ‘Lost’) is the dead star walking. Rose (Beth Broderick) lingers in the background. Big Jim’s son Junior is turning into Ted Bundy. Junior’s really stupid girlfriend Angie (Britt Robertson the show killer of ‘Life Unexpected’ and ‘The Secret Circle’) annoys. There is ominous foreshadowing and it bears little resemblance to Stephen King’s doorstopper of a novel. There is dull surprise acting and the ‘hero’ Barbie has been made into a murderous unwashed thug. This was dull and disappointing.

Best Lines:
“I get my news online sweetheart like everybody else.”

“He tried to renegotiate aggressively.”

“You’re military huh?”
“Not recently.”

“Something bad is going on out there.”

“The cable is out; it doesn’t mean it’s the end times.”
“When roving packs of mutants start swarming this place don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I use my phone for work not for sending naked pictures of myself to random boys.”
“For the millionth time that was an accident.”
“That’s what you said when you knocked out that girl’s tooth.”

~
The Fire
The dead Sherriff’s protégée, Linda, can’t act. Angie screams and is stupidly useless as the buck toothed loon Junior keeps her prisoner in his daddy’s fallout shelter. Teenagers map the dome. Reverend Coggins accidentally burns down the Sheriff’s house, nearly creating a firestorm in the process. This had nothing new or original. This show was all rampant stupidity, it’s not even semi-spooky. It’s also not clever, well paced, decently acted or nicely shot. So far TPTB have covered about 174 pages of the book and it’s dull and disappointing.

Best Line:
“We’re all going to die in here!”

~
The Invisible Man (1975) 1x01&1x02&1x03
This isn’t the early noughties TV show that starred the guy from ‘Prey’ who looks like a greasier Gareth Bale. This is the David McCallum (of ‘NCIS’, ‘Sapphire and Steel’, ‘Motherlove’, ‘A Night to Remember’ and ‘The Man From UNCLE’) show. It’s the man from unclear.

Pilot
Sadly only 13 eps of this were made. Daniel Westin (McCallum and his perpetual choirboy fringe) does a lot of panting, sweating and voiceover narrating as he reveals how he ended up permanently invisible. He is a scientist, with a scientist wife named Kate and an evil boss (Jackie Cooper).

Daniel and Kate and her awful perm work for the Klae Corporation think tank. Westin created invisibility using dated technology. His evil boss wants to weaponise it so the impulsive Westin overreacts. He is a lerry control freak rapscallion with a home life that is creepily hyper cosy. He turns himself invisible; his wife accepts this as he is so annoyingly charming. This show has charm which allows you to overlook the hideous 70s interior design, big hair and loud fabrics. There is a dark paranoid theme running through this ep as Westin looks up his plastic surgeon friend who creates him a face mask using Dermaplex. Also contact lenses, hairpieces and tooth caps create the illusion of visibility - how do they fake his tongue though? This has betrayal, Westin ripping his face mask off and sulking in an Aran jumper. This was good. Whenever Westin runs around being invisible he is in the nip, sadly we don’t see this.

Best Lines:
“I realised it was the first time that I’d really thought about what I’d done.”

“That was a 50 dollar pen!”

“I want to use invisibility in positive ways.”
“Name one.”

“I never did anticipate consequences.”

“Build me a face.”

“Suppose it doesn’t work?”
“I’ll sue.”

~
The Klae Resource
Some time after the ‘Pilot’, Westin and Kate are working for the Klae Corporation again. His evil boss, Carlson, has been recast and is no longer evil. The dark, paranoid theme is gone. Apparently nobody is hunting the no longer tragic Westin, his discovery isn’t being weaponised, his plastic surgeon friend isn’t mentioned at all and Westin and Kate work as secret agents to get funds to find a cure. The face mask prop looks like Lady Di. Anyway Westin is ordered to find out if a Howard Hughes like recluse is dead as his underlings are selling stuff to the never named OPEC. Westin foils the corrupt underlings and their huge tape deck computers. There is inept security, Westin helps Kate cheat at roulette and craps and foils a case of elder abuse. This was good.

Best Lines:
“They found him face down in Lake Mead without a snorkel.”

“My husband always does his assuming publicly.”

~
The Fine Art of Diplomacy
Paintings are being stolen by an Ambassador. Westin and Kate must foil him. There is still no progress on a cure. There are ropey SFX shots. Westin and Kate seem to spend more time being secret agents then doing stuff For Science. This was okay but when he rips his face mask off to run around in the nip where do his hand gloves go?

Best Line:
“Can’t you put on your face?”

~
Complications
Franco and Moretti abduct and menace Grace. Brett bores. Grace’s incompetent boss has vanished. A woman has tapeworm issues. Nate’s stupid. Constantine tells a charming tale about how he started out running numbers (WTF is that?) and got beaten up. What became of Constantine’s diabetes? Grace misses a big presentation to Brett’s disgust. Moretti shoots Grace and she has to treat her own gunshot wound with pliers that have been ‘sterilized’ with gasoline. Grace is stupid and Brett is sick of her lies. Why doesn’t she just let Moretti and Constantine kill each other? How does she still have a job? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Tell them to go to the er like the rest of the country.”

“You were run over in the lake.”

“She put background music in it.”

“That is not what I expected.”

“Nobody knows nothing.”

“Start digging the hole.”

~
Sideswipe
Nikita and her xylophone chest wants a smug arms dealer to help her find Amanda. Meanwhile Amanda plots, Ari whines, Alex bores and Nikita is arrogant and selfish. Berkhoff uncovers the mole and lies. There are unnecessary flashbacks, Ryan is Basil Exposition, Amanda bores and Sean is wallpaper paste. This crap had too much talking, bad acting and people being morons.

Best Lines:
“Michael. So paranoid.”

“You will always want to.”

“Nice place you got here. Very medieval.”

~
Welcome To Storybrooke
Flashbacks show how Storybrooke arrived in the real world in 1983. Ruby was slutty, Regina was a nut and got bored of the curse pretty quickly. There was dull surprise acting as she menaced an unlucky camper and his obnoxious son Owen. Back in the present Regina spouts a moral message, Snow White broods and has a good cry, Regina never learns anything and Henry acts as the moral arbiter of Storybrooke. David is useless, junkie takes up screen time, Henry is an annoying idiot, Regina and Mary Margaret have an endless pity party and there is big reveal about Greg’s true identity. This was awful. Henry has taken over this show.

Best Lines:
“What is this place?”

“I did it. I won.”

“Now get off my porch!”

“Beautiful day.”
“Save it.”

“You darkened yourself.”

“I was supposed to be happy here.”

“Thank you mommy.”
Scary Books

Movie Reviews: Insidious Chapter 2 + Eurotrip

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)
Following on from the cliffhanger of ‘Insidious’, once again strange things are happening to the Lambert family. They’ve moved in with Josh’s mom in her huge house where strange noises come over the baby monitor, toys move of their own accord and spectres lurk. The hapless family are subjected to more ghostly goings on. The comedy ghostbusters take up screen time, spirits communicate via boggle, there is timey-wimey stuff going on and Patrick Wilson overacts.  Whilst this isn’t scary it does entertain. But what happened to the police investigation?

Best Lines:
“Bring it!”

“Only you could play it that badly.”

~
Eurotrip (2004)
Four sex obsessed rather stupid Americans go on a trip across Europe and encounter football hooligans, sex dungeons, perverts and create a scene at the Vatican. Vinnie Jones of 'The Cape' features as a hardman football hooligan, Lucy Lawless is a sex dungeon madam and the Americans are geographically ignorant. This was a silly comedy.

Best Lines:
“Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin, it’s a nothing commute.”

“Garlic breath tossers!”

“That wanker’s got a frog football shirt on!”