July 30th, 2013

Scary Books

The White Queen 1x07 Reviewed

It is 1473 and Edward IV and his tiny little legs speeds towards his coming death from cirrhosis of the liver. Elizabeth continues to be the most objectionable person on earth. Richard and Anne brood in Warwick Castle. George sulks, despite having the Earl of Warwick title his perfidy is frustrated. Margaret Beaufort is a Lady In Waiting to Elizabeth and plays a long game. Elizabeth gives birth to her second son, the other Prince In The Tower. This is highly dehistoricised and decontextualised.

Edward is a fat, lazy, wastrel shagger - his primal lusts have made him seedy and debased. Anne’s mother is not wailing for forgiveness. The almost too stupid to talk Isabel has had Margaret (who Henry VIII would have executed) and is pregnant again. Lord Stanley and Margaret plot as she is made nursemaid to the latest York brat. Elizabeth is intolerably smug.

The York brothers head off to war in the armpit of France. But instead Edward makes peace, Richard looks consumptive in black and the King of France is fugly. Richard is cutely tragic as he enjoys the love and loyalty of the north that marriage to Anne Neville brought him. George screeches and plots as he finally recalls that Elizabeth caused the death of his first child. Elizabeth objects to George calling her a witch.

Isabel gives birth to Edward (who Henry VII would have executed) and dies. What did she die of? It is unclear to this day. George makes more accusations of murder and witchcraft. Instead of wilting with shame, Elizabeth plots. Thanks to conflicting ideologies Edward has George arrested. Though Edward does seem sick of his wife and her endless plotting that does not save George. His date with a barrel of wine arrives.

Everyone overlooks Richard and Margaret Beaufort. Duchess Cecily wears a tea cosy on her head and has a meltdown. Elizabeth and Margaret pray and bond as Margaret plots to be greater than Elizabeth. This was twaddle but good.

Best Lines:
“You left me on a battlefield.”

“Good news if the King should fall.”

“I’ll make my peace with George when he’s dead.”

“She just ill-wished our boys.”

“She casts her evil eye on me.”

“George’s ambition is curdling to rage.”

“Our father would cry for shame if he could see us now.”

“Both of them are angry with us.”

“Stay in here and be dead.”

“Don’t listen to her poison.”

“I’ve buried two husbands.”

“It’s one less person who will hate us.”

“Your Henry’s going to have to walk past five coffins.”
Scary Books

Hannibal 1x12 + Once Upon A Time 2x10 + Revolution 1x20 Reviewed

WTF has happened to Ellen Muth’s face and voice? Does she smoke five packs a day or something? Hannibal plays Will some more. Georgia (Muth) picks the worst place to comb her hair and dies in slow motion. The dim whiner Abigail plans to write a book with Freddie. Jack is hostile. Freddie sees killers everywhere.

Jack interviews Hannibal’s inept shrink (Gillian Anderson). Backstory and secrets are revealed. Jack fails to take note of all the dead people around Lecter and instead allows Hannibal to play him. This bored. Hannibal is boringly fiendishly evil and is an improbably well-resourced serial killer.

Will is coming to some realizations, too bad he is still dim. Hannibal gurns. Jack finally uncovers Abigail’s role in her father’s murder spree. Where was Abigail’s mother during all this murdering? Hannibal’s game comes towards the end and Jack just automatically accepts his lies. Will has another convenient blackout. Abigail is stupid and this was stupid.

Best Lines:
“They’ll just know that you’re wrong.”

“It’s not that I think Dr Lecter is dangerous, I don’t.”

“He’s had some pretty strange relationships with some of his patients.”

“This wasn’t supposed to be my life.”

“Whatever you’re doing with Will Graham, stop.”

“What did you tell him?”
“Half truths.”

“This is venturing into the paranoid.”

“How’s the book coming?”
“There’s plot holes.”

“She’s got the taste for it now.”

“I was the lure.”

“Jack Crawford was right about you.”

“There is something wrong with you.”

The Cricket Game
No-one wonders why Cora and Hook (who are dressed like RenFaire hookers) are lurking on the docks. Hook continues to be a crap villain. Charming and Snow bore. Henry needs to learn to knock. Flashbacks show how after defeating King George, Charming and Snow captured Regina and didn’t execute her. Morons.

Dr Hopper (Raphael Sbarge of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ and ‘The Guardian’) is murdered. Regina just can’t stop being evil. Flashbacks show Charming in a pelt, Regina’s idiot doormat father being a doormat and how the awful Regina adopted the motivation and malevolent soul of her mother. They should have killed her when they had the chance. Why did Regina lock herself into Storybrooke with her victims? WTF is wrong with her and her bad acting?

Rumpy prances around lisping and playing his long game. Dr Hopper is described as kind, he wasn’t. Emma has inherited her mother’s room temperature IQ.  Belle is ever useless. There are plot contortions. Regina is ungrateful and rages on about ‘her’ son. There is a plot twist and this was crap.

Best Lines:
“You got your PHD from a curse.”

“Go take yourself for a walk.”

“There’s no telling what she’ll live to do.”

“Who’d want to frame her?”
“There’s a long list.”

“I will not let you poison Henry against me.”
“Interesting word choice, since you already did.”

“What other friends do you have?”

“This cricket will chirrup.”

The Dark Tower
In the ludicrous season 1 finale, Miles and Monroe attempt to kill each other again. Rachel says she knows best and determines to switch the power back on getting Nora killed in the process. Neville has staged a coup against Monroe, Jason lurks around his dad and the dim Danny is long dead. I care not.

Flashbacks show how a bombing nearly killed Miles as he and Monroe bonded over their fascist uniforms and love of hair gel. So Monroe avenged himself on the bomber to the objection of Miles and Nora. In the present day, Monroe has a deranged tantrum and Miles finally seems to accept that he made his BFF into a monster. Miles lets Monroe escape and the M/M sitch goes on.

Rachel and Miles apparently love each other, oh come on. Ben doesn’t seem to matter. Charlie lurks. How did Charlie grow up in the Monroe Republic and never know her Uncle Miles ran it with his BFF? Rachel is selfish, Charlie still can’t act, Aaron hangs out with the people who have lied and manipulated him for years and Rachel turns the power back on.

Which turns out to be a mistake as she was the unwitting pawn of some mouth breather with his own agenda. ICBM’s are launched, there is ranting and a final scene shows a United States colony (with wooden sailing fleet) at Guantanamo Bay. WTF? I think I’ll skip season 2.

Best Lines:
“When the blackout spread worldwide, I don’t think it was an accident. I think someone did it on purpose.”

“It’s the only reason why I followed you into any of this and you tried to kill me for it.”

“You have a borderline erotic fixation on Miles Matheson. There I said it.”

“You asked me why I tried to kill you. You’re asking the wrong question Bass. Ask me why I couldn’t. We’re still brothers.”

“Run Bass.”

“When you burn down the old, new things grow.”

“It’s time to go home Mr President.”
Scary Books

Trailer, Quote and Stuff

‘Field of Blood’ promo
This BBC1 drama looks okay.

‘Amish Mafia’ has to be fake. Since when do the Amish get into buggy pimping, MMA barn fights and menacing?

Read a review of ‘The Wolverine’ that said it had crap villains and a poor ending. I don’t know.

Read more series 3 ‘Sherlock’ info. But does Sherlock still see John as an extension of himself and not care about his needs, rules or boundaries?

Reviews of ‘Paul’ and ‘The Mob Doctor’ forthcoming.

I am reading ‘City of Glass

‘City of Glass’ Quotes:
“I don’t see you running to tell all your friends that you’re a Shadowhunter.”
“What friends?”

Dark Hazelnut choc = divine.

Saw Bear Grylls climb inside a dead camel to shelter from the sun. He also cut into the camel’s stomach and squeezed the stomach contents into his mouth for water. Later on he squeezed fluid from elephant dung into his gob for water. Gross.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Sinead’s cunning plan to blackmail one of her johns goes horribly awry. Browning gets Phoebe to pretend to be a dementia patient’s long lost granddaughter so he can steal her savings. Ste visits his dying mother. Trevor the local hardman is well hard.
To Light The Way To Bed

Movie Reviews: Mary of Scotland + Vampires Suck + Cirque du Freak

Mary of Scotland (1936)
Mary, Queen of Scots (Katharine Hepburn) is the focus of this wildly inaccurate biopic. The wildly confident Mary heads for Scotland, Elizabeth I overacts and there are exposition dumps. The Scots all seem to be disloyal drunken violent Glaswegians who wear tartan and have comedy beards. John Knox firebrands, Mary’s half brother plots and the Earl of Bothwell shows up to be a dashing romantic rogue.

Mary plotted ceaselessly for her cousin’s throne yet had no real concern for her own and was foolish, selfish, wilful, reckless, irresponsible and entirely without sense. But not according to this movie. Mary’s secretary David lurks, complicated clan feuds rage and Mary marries the preening prancing idiot Darnley. Mary is arrogant, Darnley is a drunk, petulant, uncouth, unstable, violent, stupid fool and it is a match made in hell. He murders David. Bothwell shows up declaring his love for Mary complete with his own theme music.

Mary has her son James. Darnley drinks and screeches. Kirk o’field is blown up. Who killed Darnley? Mary does not care as Bothwell is blamed, John Knox thunders and Darnley’s syphilis is not mentioned. Mary marries Bothwell and discusses the deaths of Henry II and Francis II was a smile. The blowsy Mary is overthrown to the great relief of her subjects.

Mary meets her fate. Bothwell meets his, so much for his garrulous machismo. Their damaging relationship is inexplicably depicted as true love. Mary’s lack of critical judgement is white washed. This was factually incorrect and silly. The idiotic Mary had about as much political judgement as Anthony Weiner.

Best Lines:
“I’ve been 13 years away.”

“The ambition of other men married me to a dying boy who became King of France. I wasn’t asked.”

“Jezebel of France!”

“You’re a cold fish; you shall be my Ambassador to Scotland.”

“I’m not going on your account Sir.”

“You say you’re a Queen, be one.”

“God forgive you. I shall not nor forgive myself for marrying you.”

“Afraid my presence will contaminate him?”

“Judge and avenge my cause.”

“Rebellion, how I hate that word.”

“You were born too close to my throne.”

“I learned how a woman may be Queen one day and stand on the scaffold the next.”

“I win. You have no heir. My son will inherit your throne.”

Vampires Suck (2010)
This unsubtle spoof of the ‘Twilight’ saga is oddly entertaining. Becca comes to live in Sporks, overlooks all funny background events and Jacob and falls for surly vampire Edward. The personality free Becca and the Joker makeup wearing Edward have a romance which consists of them making constipated faces to angst music. Becca has more facial expressions than Bella Swan and this was okay with some amusing moments. Bella’s dad fighting Jacob’s dad was hilarious.

Best Lines:
“I go to school on the reservation.”
“Must be fun to drink and gamble all day.”

“That’s what I used to wear when I was a virgin.”

“You’re one of those anti-social long suffering loner types.”

“You seem really boring and frigid.”

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”

“You’re the Black Eyed Peas!”

“I dig the eurotrash heroin chic look.”

“I’m 18 now, I’m practically a cougar.”

“You’re just going to leave me here? Alone in the woods in an area full of vampires that want to eat me?”

“You twitch a lot, it’s kind of irritating.”

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)
Darren is a moron who ends up becoming a vampire and hanging out at a freakshow populated by John C. Reilly, Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek and Jane Krakowski. His BFF Steve (Josh Hutcherson of ‘The Hunger Games’ and ‘Detention') objects to Steve stealing his dream and goes to the bad as he hangs out with Michael Cerveris.

This has stupid narration, Darren is a thieving moron who is a bad son and a worse friend and everyone is mean to trashy Steve. This has bizarre make up, evil carnies, camp clichéd dialogue and a bland idiot lead. Plus the vampires seeking out Darren and Steve has creepy sex offender vibes to it. This was a botched, overwrought, incoherent, awful mess with stupid CGI.

Best Lines:
“I am so excited to be in your anonymous small town which used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums.”

“Didn’t you hear me threaten you at the show?”
“I did, it was awesome.”

“It’s all written down. In a book. You do read books don’t you?”
Scary Books

Book Reviews: Life on The Preservation + The White Forest

Life On The Preservation by Jack Skillingstead
Inside it's always the same day. Outside, there are no days left.

Ian, a graffiti artist, lives in a Seattle that isn’t Seattle. It’s just an endless time looped museum. Outside the world is an apocalyptic ruin where Kylie is one of the very few survivors. She will travel to Seattle and together they will discover the strange reality of the Preservation. This is good and creepy.

Best Lines:
“Kylie showed up to listen. There was pressure to do so, an un-stated threat if you didn’t.”

“He hadn’t actually chopped Dr. Lee’s head off but he had whacked it pretty hard with a baseball bat.”

“It’s too dangerous outside of town.”
“It’s getting too dangerous inside of town.”

“One time when you were drunk you smashed that Pepsi machine with a hammer.”
“That was different. The Pepsi machine deserved it.”

“Ray Preston, whose major accomplishment since the Judgement was burning down what remained of the high school he had previously dropped out of.”

“How’d I look in the psych ward?”
“Like you were home at last.”

“The city was jammed with people, or at least with things that looked and acted like people.”

“That’s ridiculous.”
“Yeah, and it’s not even the weirdest part.”

“He looked like that lunatic in Taxi Driver.”

“That was a long, long time ago.”

The White Forest by Adam McOmber
Jane Silverlake lives on her crumbling family estate in Victorian England. She is isolated due to her unusual ability to see the souls of objects. Her only friends are the cruel Madeline and the obsessed Nathan who she and Madeline fatally romanticise. The trio’s friendship is shattered due to jealously and Nathan’s interest in a cult.

When Nathan vanishes, Jane and Madeline vow to find him, uncovering the primal origins of Jane’s talent in the process. This is a good dark gothic novel that has a touch of Lovecraft, which is enough to overlook the anachronisms in this book.

Best Lines:
“I’d been largely a recluse in our decaying house until my friends came into my life.”

“Return to telling us how you’re going to avoid getting yourself murdered down there in wretched Southwark, Nathan?”

“That sounds rather ominous,”

“We can’t spend all our day wandering the Heath like sylphs.”

“It’s some goddess, but we can’t assign her to any religion.”

“I know what things live in these woods, and you wouldn’t want to meet them.”

“I was the kind of thing that walked alone.”
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